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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

162 replies

LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 21:52

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 11:57

Logarythm -us too

We don't expect anything from our parents, our kids will stand on their own feet too

That way no one feels hard done by, they may well get something at the end, but before that life happens and that cost money

He is your dad, you won't have him forever either, forget the money

NickyEds · 05/08/2014 12:06

Sorry op but it seems a bit jumbled. Is it the case that your DM was separated/divorced from your dad (hence the need for PoA) and had a large sum of money in her account which your dad then emptied, leaving no estate for you to split as per your mum's will?

I think if your DM earned a lot of money after a split from your dad, left it in a will to you and your siblings then your dad took it whilst having Poa then YANBU.

If there wasn't a will, they were still together and the money was accrued during a marriage then YABU. You say that you dad paid the bills and your DM saved. Presumably then if your dad hadn't paid them then your DM couldn't have saved. It was their money and now it's his money and YABVU judging how he chooses to spend it.

After my mum died it didn't occur to me for an instant that I would get anything at all as my dad was still here-that's why I ask if they were separated/divorced.

LoveVintage · 05/08/2014 12:18

The poa is academic now as it was only in place when op's mum was alive. Her father inherited the estate on her mum's death, presumably in accordance with her will.

It is his money to do as he wishes with, unless the will stated otherwise, but I understand the sadness about the way he is dealing with it, as it was very possibly in op's mum's mind that the estate would ultimately fall to the children and grandchildren. So yes it is symbolic for that reason.

LoveVintage · 05/08/2014 12:21

Also, who paid bills, saved etc is academic when assessing your estate on death, it is the assets you have regardless of how they were accrued. If they were divorced he would not have a right to inherit unless stated in a will.

cingolimama · 05/08/2014 12:26

I agree with Gatorade. If you're struggling and need some financial help, then say so! Stop hinting or pussyfooting around. He may not be as thoughtful as your mum, but on the other hand, he is grieving and he's not a mind reader.

pumpkin3142 · 05/08/2014 12:26

The OP stated that her mother did write a will leaving her savings to her children in her second post.

Logarhythm · 05/08/2014 13:07

Can a wife decide to leave all her savings to someone other than her husband?
I know a bloke who was tight about money - he wrote a will excluding his wife from all his savings - his solicitor said it wasn't legal because half of his savings belonged to his wife and he could only ever give away his half! He of course didn't believe the solicitor!

higgle · 05/08/2014 13:15

You can leave our money to whoever you like, Logarythm, but if you do not make provision for a spouse or someone else who was dependent on you they can apply to the court for provision.

amyhamster · 05/08/2014 13:16

And i cannot believe some people on here are saying that you should effectively look to shop your dad on the poa, and what will that achieve, another parental relationship loss - god i do hope my kids are not do grasping when they grow up!!

Completely agree with this
Op this is your Dad your talking about! He's lost his wife, who knows your mum might have wanted him to enjoy the rest of his life in this way
Their savings are theirs not hers
Did she work & save separately do you mean?
Your poor dad

mrsbrownsgirls · 05/08/2014 13:23

yabu.
my mum died 3 years ago.
dad was devastated but he us getting back on his feet and has been spending lots of money.

it never once crossed my mind I should get any money when mum died

Rebecca2014 · 05/08/2014 13:25

I would get legal advice. Your mum wouldn't have wanted this...I be furious if my oh put all of my savings into his account so our children wouldn't see a penny AND THEN does not even bother helping them out when they are struggling. He sounds like a selfish git.

TheHighMarshal · 05/08/2014 13:35

No Will? Tough shit.

There is a will? Do something about it.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 13:42

Rebecca2014 - do you also watch a lot of Jeremy Bile?

Is it not enough to lose one parent without cutting off another one through ill will (bad pun), but if my DH passed and the kids said the money we both worked for wasn't rightly mine and should be theirs I'm afraid I would have to walk away from them, horrible horrible grasping attutude

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 13:45

There seems to be 2 possible scenarios here as the OP hasn't made it totally clear which is the case, and the difference between them is the determining factor in whether the OP is BU.

If there was no will and the OP just 'thinks' her mum would have wanted her children to have some of her estate then she is BU- it legally belongs to the father and her can do as he likes with it- he isn't required to support his adult children just because he can afford to.

On the other hand, If her mother left a will stating her estate was to be divided equally between her husband and 2 children and the father has taken the lot by abusing his POA status then the OP is NBU at all.

If this is the case I would be seriously questioning how 'close' the relationship was and I wouldn't be afraid to rock the boat to get what my mother wanted me to have- the father has literally stolen from his children in this case.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/08/2014 13:50

the will said her estate should be split between us.

OP has said that there was a will. Op's DF had power of attorney and had moved the money from his wife's account into his before she died. He then spends the money on himself.

Hope this clarifies for some people before they accuse the OP of being grasping whilst not reading the thread properly (she may have a legal right to her mother's inheritance)

Op it's up to you whether you chase this up, like other posters have said this will probably cause a rift between you and your dad. It depends on what you value more I'm afraid.

Also sorry for your loss Thanks

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 13:56

The OP did say that thatwould but she also said i didn't expect anything after her death which contradicts her other point so it would be good if she could clarify if there was a will and if so, what it said.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/08/2014 14:02

Bear when OP said that she didn't expect anything after her death I'm assuming (yes I know) that she's implying she isn't isn't grasping.

Agree with you that what the will said needs to be clarified but tbh she'd need a legal eye to look over that.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 14:08

But she also says they were a unit, that says to me they were on good terms

No one knows why he transferred money over, perhaps he might have needed to, it's often the case that although the man is the earner the woman is the saver, assumed roles, however that doesn't mean he didn't need money for her care, for funeral costs, for living costs etc

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 14:09

That's true thatwould but if she could clarify if there even was a will and if there was, the jist of it, then people could advise if she really is BU or not.

It's difficult not to try and read between the lines on this and my gut feeling, due to the time since her mother died and the fact she would like some financial help now as they are struggling, is that the OP feels her mother wouldn't have wanted her to be in the situation but didn't actually make a will specifying that and making provision for it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/08/2014 14:18

iam I think this is the OP's problem, not wanting to upset or rock the boat but at the same time suspecting that her DM's will hasn't been carried out. Also OP implied that her DF was financially comfortable already with his pension so wasn't struggling financially, so there wasn't an obvious reason for why he's kept all the money legally/illegally.

I can't see a happy outcome either way.

FraidyCat · 05/08/2014 14:18

the OP feels her mother wouldn't have wanted her to be in the situation but didn't actually make a will specifying that and making provision for it

The mother did make a will, leaving money to the children.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 14:22

It's all very subjective as to how you deem money in a relationship I suppose

I deem my money to be my husbands and vice versa, my children are taken care of in childhood but once adults handle their own deal, even if he has a pension it doesn't mean he's not entitled to spend the money they saved as a couple

If it was written in a will that the OP should have x amount and she didn't get it, that should have been dealt with by the executor at the time, I suspect that's not the case

I'm coming from avert similar situation with my mother (dec.) and father, and she always saved with her kids in mind, but as all her children agree, our fathers life while he is here us far more important to us than £ in the bank

mrsbrownsgirls · 05/08/2014 14:37

however as others have said the details you have given us about the will are a bit vague , apologies if I have misunderstood

Numanoid · 05/08/2014 14:43

Your details of the will are quite vague so apologies if I have misunderstood. From what you've said so far, I think YABU, unfortunately.
If it was not stipulated in the actual Will that you should get money, then you shouldn't. It's unfair to say your dad is frittering it away too. Won't you want to go on holiday and treat yourself to nice things if you can when you're older? I would.
I don't get how people depend on their parents for money. At the end of the day, it is theirs, you aren't in any way entitled to it just by being their child. We're adults, and can't fall back on our parents to dig us out of financial holes. :/

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 14:49

The mother did make a will, leaving money to the children.

As I and others have said fraidycat it's not 100% clear that that is the case as the OP's posts are a little contradictory, and I certainly didn't interpret any of her comments as implying all the money was going to the children- 'split between us' would have included the husband surely?

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