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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling hurt about Dad's spending

162 replies

LemonadeLady · 04/08/2014 21:52

My mother died a few years ago. She always saved money which she said was for the grandchildren, emergencies and holidays..

Because of the circumstances Dad took power of attorney before she died and all her money went into his account. It was a large sum.

I didn't expect anything after her death but the last few years have been a struggle financially with a young family. My brother is in negative equity and we were both hoping Dad would offer to help out with something for the grandchildren one day.

However it seems that he has spent most of the money... long holidays, a new car, treats to cheer himself up because he is bereaved and lonely. I can understand why he spends but he also has a huge pension and is basically blowing the lot.

I feel so hurt that he hasn't even considered helping us out. If the money was in mum's account when she died it would have been devided between us. She would be so upset about it. My brother & I are struggling to cover the basics while he is buying whatever he feels like.

It is also a reminder that without my mum in this world there is no-one to put me first.

Please tell me IABU.

OP posts:
heraldgerald · 05/08/2014 14:50

I feel for you op. I can't help thinking whatever the legal right to it that he has, it goes against your mothers wishes. his actions seem rather selfish and short sighted to me, I'm afraid.

susiedaisy · 05/08/2014 14:55

Can I ask op if your mum was leaving all her savings to her children and grandchildren what was your dad going to have as a safety net or for a rainy day??

AlpacaMyBags · 05/08/2014 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

auntjane2 · 05/08/2014 15:22

I agree Alpacamybags - a Power of Attorney does not mean you can simply take all of someone's money and spend it on yourself.
On balance, though, it's difficult to sort this out on Mumsnet without anyone here having seen the Power of Attorney, the bank statements, or the will. If I were in LemonadeLady's shoes I would dig out all the written evidence I could, have a word with my brother and seek advice, perhaps from a Citizen's Advice Bureau here in England, if not from a solicitor.
If it was a large sum it's worth fighting for and to do so is not being unreasonable.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 15:41

Of it was a large sun it's worth fighting for?!

What and totally ruining your father and only remaining parent?

I really don't get, how unless you hate each other, why you would do this to your parents

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 15:46

I really don't get, how unless you hate each other, why you would do this to your parents

I really don't get how, if there was a will which bequeathed money to the children, the father could have stolen it Hmm

Trying to get it back might ruin the relationship but the fact it had happened in the first place would have severely tainted it anyway.

If you had made provision for your DC's in the event of your death and your DH took it away from them would you really expect them to maintain a relationship with him?

However, unless the OP comes back to confirm that she was a beneficiary named in the will, this is all academic anyway!

auntjane2 · 05/08/2014 15:48

iamusuallybeingunreasonable "totally ruining your father " . But the OP wrote that the father has a "huge pension" so how would he be "totally ruined"?

susiedaisy · 05/08/2014 15:56

If the op's mother had always let it be known and had written in her will that all/some of her savings were to specifically go to the kids then I think the father has been rather selfish and greedy to completely empty his wife's account before she died and keep/waste the money all to himself without even a token gesture to the children.
But it does depend on whether it was her 'mothers' savings or her 'parents' savings to begin with. If it was her mothers savings then I assume the father would of had his own savings as well and therefore shouldn't of taken all the mothers savings as well.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 15:56

Sorry I meant totally ruining the relationship, because no good can come from fighting over money in a family... For some people money is secondary

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 15:59

because no good can come from fighting over money in a family

It's attitudes like that that allow some family members to get away with things like this if the money is rightfully the OP's.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 16:04

Hmm, having lost a parent quite young, one who was the family saver, I say good on my dad for living a life post losing the love of his life

If it was left in a will, or a trust/account then it would have been with it's rightful owner, otherwise I think we can safely assume that husband and wife had enough mutual respect for one another that they wouldn't question how it was "frittered"

wanttosinglikemarycoughlan · 05/08/2014 16:09

If there was a will leaving you money yanbu
If there was no will and it is what you thought she would do then yabu

auntjane2 · 05/08/2014 16:12

iamusuallybeingunreasonable "I meant totally ruining the relationship". What sort of relationship would this be, if (and I would emphasise if) the mother did leave a will leaving her money to her children, and her husband used a power of attorney to empty her accounts before she died and spend the money on himself? Not a very healthy relationship, I would argue.
Of course I do emphasise the if, none of us here on Mumsnet apart from the OP has seen the original documentation so we are all commenting from a position of ignorance. It would not do any harm to get some confidential informed advice from CAB or a solicitor rather than from Mumsnet

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 05/08/2014 16:20

You get your token gesture when both parents have died. My parents' money is for my parents, for the length of both their lives. I understand it must be hurtful, OP, but if your Dad wants to enjoy this era of his life with the marital assets, that's up to him.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 05/08/2014 16:22

Well if she ever comes back we will see, but I agree with Spoon below, really not worth falling out with your only remaining parent over, you don't get them back once they're gone Hmm

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 16:30

iamusally are you seriously saying that if (and it is a big if) the father has stolen the bequeathed money from the children, they should carry on as if it hasn't happened?

I totally agree that if there was no will or no mention of the children as beneficiaries in it then it's not worth even raising with the father as it's is husband money to do with as he wishes.

auntjane2 · 05/08/2014 16:35

Why are these "marital assets", TheWholeOfTheSpoon? A married woman can have her own property in her own right here in UK, and this has been the case for over 100 years.
Why does the OP have to fall out with her only remaining parent, iamusuallybeingunreasonable? If someone in my family died, and I received a large sum of money, I would not be surprised if someone dug out some paperwork and took advice and would not necessarily fall out with them over it.

FraidyCat · 05/08/2014 16:41

it's not 100% clear that that is the case as the OP's posts are a little contradictory

Sorry I didn't make myself clear. I didn't mean to comment on where the money should have gone. I am irked that you and others have repeatedly speculated that the will does not exist, after the OP has said it does. It's difficult for the discussion to go anywhere if the most basic facts from near the start of the thread are still being denied 70-odd posts later.

There is nothing confusing or contradictory in the OP's posts as to whether the will exists. Where money would have gone under the will is a secondary issue we can leave until it existence is accepted as a fact.

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 05/08/2014 16:57

This is not "someone in his family". It's his wife, and presumably his wife of many years. It would honestly not enter my head to expect money when one of my parents die, even if it had been suggested. And if it's all gone when they both do, so be it. There comes a time when it's ok for a parent to say, "This is about me now" without it making them a mean bastard.

auntjane2 · 05/08/2014 17:03

TheWholeOfTheSpoon I do hope you do not mean to take us all back to the good old days when married women could not have their own property, when it just all belonged to the husband and that was that. What is supposed to happen if the deceased's husband is not the father of the children, incidentally?

zippey · 05/08/2014 17:06

Normally Id say YABU but if some money was left to the grandchildren in the will, it should be their money, and the OP should think about fighting for them if no one else.

Original poster
LemonadeLady · 05/08/2014 17:14

I am a bit overwhelmed by the response and thank you all for helping me see this from so many points of view.

Yes there was a Will which stated that half the estate be given to my Dad and half devided between DB and I.

My mother gave power of attorney while she was dying and dad 'helped' her sign the form then transferred the money to his account, so it was not part of the estate at her death.

He was a wonderful father to us growing up and is not a bad man. The circumstances were awful....

Whatever the Will says he sees this- some of you would say rightly - as their money. There are two things I can't resolve: 1) he is hopeless with money 2) that mum wanted that money to be used for her grandchildren.

The way he is spending he is actually more likely to become dependant on me at some point- which I am making provision for, converting a downstairs bedroom etc. There is absolutely no way I would take legal action against my father.

Also, I am not a lavish spender or grasping. Just an average middle earner plodding along paying the bills which I think most people would agree has become increasingly difficult for families DH has just been unlucky.

Those of you who point out that the money is symbolic are absolutely right. It would have been so different and I would feel emotionally supported if mum were still alive.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonadeLady · 05/08/2014 17:17

I mean DB has been unlucky, not DH.
Also my parents were not divorced- they were still in love after 45 years :(

OP posts:
pumpkin3142 · 05/08/2014 17:21

Can you talk to your father about this? Especially if you think he will spend everything and wind up financially dependent on you. In your position, that would really irk me, and I would find it impossible to not feel resentful. Better to air your grievances now rather than in ten years time?

Bearbehind · 05/08/2014 17:23

Blimey OP, you have absolutely every right to feel aggrieved - your father has stolen a significant amount of money from you, is watching you struggle and totally abused his position as POA and in turn ignored your mothers wishes.

Having said that, if you have absolutely no intention of persuing your father for the money you are just going to have to let it go as it will eat you up otherwise.

Personally I think he has completely ruined your relationship anyway so I wouldn't hesitate to do something about it- how can you love and respect a man that would do that?