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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
RegTheMonkey1 · 04/08/2014 15:38

I got married 18 years ago, I was 42 and my husband was 34. I casually mentioned that I wouldn't be changing my name to his. He shrugged and got on with his dinner. However, parents-in-law have silently disapproved of this for 18 years, and address birthday cards to me simply as 'Reg', no surname on the envelope, because they can't bring themselves to use my own name. I think they somehow think it's illegal, or 'wrong' that we have separate surnames. It causes no fuss or bother in any aspect of my life, passport, bank, driving licence, tax, everything is in my own name. It's entirely every woman's choice.

CMOTDibbler · 04/08/2014 15:46

Reg - my ILs (and my not at all dear brother) address things to Mr&Mrs Hisname or Mrs hisname in spite of the fact I have never been known as Mrs or Hisname. And I am clearly on fb, my email etc as Ms Dibbler, even if they forgot the reminders. Ds is myname-hisname which is also a bit of a hint imo.

We get things addressed to the 'Family myname-hisname' which I'm fine with.

RegTheMonkey1 · 04/08/2014 15:58

CMOTDibbler - when they send joint things, like Christmas cards, or holiday postcards, they address it to Son's First Name and Reg - they just avoid the whole surname thing. When it's something for him alone, then they write Son's First Name and Last Name. I did ask them once why they only addressed me as 'Reg' on envelopes and they pretended to be surprised and said they weren't aware that they did it!

ceres · 04/08/2014 16:18

"would changing your surname have made you less equal?"

this wasn't addressed to me but i'll answer anyway.

Yes - changing my name would have made me feel less equal. just as being 'given away' would have made me feel less equal.

I don't believe marriage is 'old fashioned' but I do think that some of the traditions associated with it are extremely outdated.

prettybird · 04/08/2014 16:25

I didn't change my name when I got married. I have an unusual name and I love the fact that it means that old friends or former work colleagues who I've lost touch with can easily find me again. :) It is very much part of my identity.

My dh fell in love with me , not a name. And vice versa.

Marriage is about sharing a life and showing commitment to each other . It's about learning to compromise - not about giving up your independence. I fail to see how giving up your name is a sign of lack of commitment.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 16:34

You positioned other people's marriages as not "properly" done, mjmooseface. In those circumstances, I think positioning your opinions as "bloody stupid" and "ridiculous" in turn is pretty reasonable, TBH.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 16:44

But neither mjmooseface nor myself called anyone else anything derogatory, I didn't express my opinion on anyone elses way of doing things either. Yet I too was taken to task for posting a similar sentiment.

She has a point, if you don't stand squarely with the apparent MN majority posters don't merely disagree with you, they seem to feel they have the right to be snooty, dismissive or just plain rude.

I still don't understand why changing my name can somehow be seen as making me less independent, or just 'less' I suppose! But that is the sentiment expressed here - "I didn't change my name because I am a real woman and my real man doesn't need to own me" and all that.

Well, I am perfectly happy in my own independent skin, I run the house, the finances as I see fit, DH cooks and tidies if he sees the need first, we don't do the traditional gender division. But I am Mrs HisName...

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 16:52

I think if you cast other people's marriages as Not Properly Done, that is pretty derogatory, and you can't really be surprised that people will react strongly to insults against their marriages.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 16:53

Have whatever name you like, but don't tell other women that they haven't made a full commitment to their marriages if they don't take their husband's name.

merce · 04/08/2014 17:02

OP I am with you all the way. I kept my maiden name. In the same way as I choose to walk down the aisle with my husband rather than being 'given away' like some chattel by my father. Luckily my DH felt the same way as I did so wasn't a problem at all; I think he would have been quite surprised if I'd wanted to take his name. I think I only have 2 friends who have taken their DH's name, actually.

Good luck - you are NOT making a fuss about nothing.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 17:06

I didn't. That was my point. I gave my opinion, my feelings, no comment on anyone elses.... I just said that, having discussed it, we chose to get married in a full church ceremony, that was how we showed out commitment and I changed my name, after some thought and giggling over the daftness of the double barrelled choice.

But someone still chose to misinterpret/take a line out of context....

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 17:09

I didn't read your post, Nomama, so can't comment on that, but was responding to what mjmooseface wrote.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 17:09

And my dad gave me away. But that didn't really signify much either. When DH told dad we were getting married dad asked DH if he had forgotten something, he hadn't asked for my hand in marriage. DH replied that it wasn't my dad's to give.

Things remained a tad frosty for a few weeks after that!

I saw my dad walking me down the aisle as symbolic of his having raised me to be a fully functioning adult and having guided her into another phase of her life. Nothing to do with giving me away! Just doing the dad thing...

Nomama · 04/08/2014 17:11

S'OK Anna, I am really fascinated by the % of MNers who kept their names. I only know 1 woman in RL who did that - and I don't mix with m/any blue stockings.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 04/08/2014 17:11

I didn't choose to misinterpret, nomama, your post just wasn't very clear, context or none.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 04/08/2014 17:13

I don't know many people in real life that kept their names. A few who use one at work and one at home but only one or two who are categorically still Ms OwnName.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/08/2014 17:27

Nomama if you were raised by a man who believes that men should ask their fiancée's permission before marrying her I'm not surprised you don't see the subtext behind changing names and giving away. It's fine, you just come from a very different place to lots of us.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/08/2014 17:28

I know loads of women who kept their names. Those who changed them are definitely the minority in my circle.

RegTheMonkey1 · 04/08/2014 17:28

No one else in my family has kept their own name, but plenty of my professional colleagues have. Some use their own name for work, as that is the name they have built their reputation on and use their married name for domestic purposes/going on holiday/gas bills or whatever.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 04/08/2014 17:29

Can I join your circle Ehric? Wink

Nomama · 04/08/2014 17:37

Ehric...that would be insulting, if your opinion actually mattered.

You are wrong! But I know that won't make any difference to you assumptions.

prettybird · 04/08/2014 17:42

My friends, family and colleagues comprise of a mix of those that kept their names and those that changed them upon marriage.

Ds has dh's name: for practical reasons, otherwise he, like me, would've had to go thru' life spelling his name Grin and in waiting rooms, listening for the pause when your name is called out, so that you know if they hesitate, then that's you Grin

Part of me regrets not inserting my surname as a middle name just to keep it alive (as I can trace my surname back to early 16th century Germany) but again, practically, it would have been a nightmare and he probably wouldn't have thanked me for it! Wink

I don't mind being referred to on occasion as the

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 17:55

Marriage is about starting a joint life with someone. You take on their name, you live together, you share finances, a bed, you have kids and you all have the same surname... Why bother getting married if you're not going to do any of those things? Why not just cohabit? Or be in a relationship? Why decide to put a label on something and then have to debate about whether to do this, or do that, or anything a marriage entails? You are choosing to enter into a marriage... Why is changing your name such a bad thing to do? I don't think it reduces a woman to nothing!

But feminists people want to come along and ruin a perfectly good thing, such as marriage, by changing it around. If you have to change the whole point of getting married, why are you getting married in the first place?

I'm sorry I'm not one of those women who thinks living with a man, sharing his last name and sharing finances with him makes me any less of his equal. I don't choose to constantly see myself as some sort of victim to 'the patriarchy' just because I am a woman.

If the world was 'run by women' and traditionally men took on their wife's surname when they got married, do you really think all these years later men would be whining about how they lose their independence and they lose their identity because of a surname? I'm not so sure they would. If you don't like the 'rules' of marriage, don't get married. The fact you're asking 'should I keep my maiden name' means you recognise that to keep it, isn't really the normal way of doing the whole marriage thing.

Chiana · 04/08/2014 17:58

The fact you're asking 'should I keep my maiden name' means you recognise that to keep it, isn't really the normal way of doing the whole marriage thing.

So now I'm abnormal? Thanks. Thanks tons.

squoosh · 04/08/2014 17:59

Oh yes, bloody feminists and their hifalutin, fancy notions of doing as their husbands do and keeping their birth name.

It's not normal I tell you, not normal!