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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
ceres · 04/08/2014 13:15

"Of course I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married! What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly? It's like I don't understand the point of people getting married and then living separately. That makes no sense."

what a silly comment.

we managed to get married 'properly' without either of us changing our names.

marriage isn't about having the same name.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 04/08/2014 14:22

In your situation, no way would I change my name.

I changed mine on marriage because I wanted both of us as parents to share a name with our future children. And, pre-MN, I hadn't thought of more creative ways of doing that than both double-barrelling (which we didn't fancy).

I wouldn't change if I married later in life, or didn't plan children. I find it hard to see why you would. I mean, his only argument is tradition?

JapaneseMargaret · 04/08/2014 14:31

So for all that it's touted as a winning solution, the Spanish system is just as patriarchal. What a surprise...

Igggi · 04/08/2014 14:32

Thanks Blandanddeadly, that'll be why I didn't know about it (as I haven't killed him off just yet)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 14:33
Grin
MrsMarigold · 04/08/2014 14:41

I took DH's surname but it doesn't really bother me - my name isn't who I am - it's just a tool to identify me, it's got nothing to do with ownership.

RaisinGirls · 04/08/2014 14:43

I never changed my name when I got married - why would I? As far as Im concerned the purpose and point of marriage (should you believe in it) is a union of two people, a public declaration of love and fidelity. Needing to change my name wasn't necessary.

Our daughter has been given a double-barrelled name, and when she is older she can choose to keep it, drop one, change it - whatever she wants - it will be her name to do what she wants.

As an aside I would be concerned OP, about marrying someone with such fundamentally different views to yourself on what marriage is about. Or at the very least have a decent discussion about things, and see where else you disagree - and then see if its something you are prepared to live with. I couldn't have married my DH if he had insisted I took his name - but that was because it was important to me to keep my name.

Sapat · 04/08/2014 14:47

If you are older and don't plan on children I would double barrel yours. If it isn't doable I would keep yours professionally and take his socially.

I thought I would change names once I got married but never got round to it. It is a bit awkward though, but then we have young children.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 14:50

"If you are older and don't plan on children I would double barrel yours. If it isn't doable I would keep yours professionally and take his socially. "

Why change it at all?

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 14:51

Sorry, I forgot you're not allowed to have your own opinion on Mumsnet. Especially if you're not one of those awkward feminist types!

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 04/08/2014 14:51

Margaret - someone told me on a thread recently that the law had just changed and you could pass down the mother or father's name.Smile

squoosh · 04/08/2014 14:55

'Sorry, I forgot you're not allowed to have your own opinion on Mumsnet. Especially if you're not one of those awkward feminist types!'

Obviously you're allowed an opinion, but if your opinion is deemed ridiculous people are allowed to say as much.

Yours awkwardly,

InThisTogether · 04/08/2014 14:55

hope lots of these answers are helping you to see there are loads of points of view. personally, my name is my name, simple as that. Marriage (next year) isn't going to change that and my OH has never really thought of it, let alone questioned it.

Good luck to you in your decision OP.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/08/2014 14:57

Mjmooseface you can have any opinion you like but be prepared for people to point out that it's a bloody stupid one.

ShelaghTurner · 04/08/2014 14:58

I changed my name 5 years into my marriage. Now, 9 years after that I'm starting to think about changing it back. I've done it on FB etc just to see what it felt like and I'm surprised at how much I like it. I wish I hadn't changed in the first place as it'd be shedloads of hassle to change everything back but am seriously thinking of using my maiden name in day to day life.

Which of course is no help to you at all, sorry!

maui50 · 04/08/2014 15:03

Firstly, OP "What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." What I mean by that reference is - why is this even a big deal to either of you? Keep it, don't keep it, it doesn't really matter as long as the marriage still enables you to keep your independence but be part of a couple.

But to play devil's advocate, I think your name is very much part of your identity. You wouldn't change your first name when you get married to someone would you?

(DM had a friend who had married a man of a different religion to her, whose mother was ultra conservative. While the ultra conservative mother in law accepted DM's friend into her family, she couldn't bear to call her by her name - which happens to be ridiculously easy to prounounce - and proceeded to call her forever more by a preferred name e.g. the woman is called Rose but her mother in law prefers to call her Jemima. You wouldn't put up with that kind of carry on would you?)

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 15:08

And this is why I don't generally post comments on the talk boards. Your opinions are deemed 'bloody stupid' and 'ridiculous' if they're not exactly the same as everyone else's.

cheerybear · 04/08/2014 15:12

I kept my name and I am proud I did so, my husband never expected me to change my name and that is why I love him so very much, because he is my equal!

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 15:14

cheerybear would changing your surname have made you less equal?

Bambambini · 04/08/2014 15:21

Mjmooseface

Can you not understand why some women want to keep their name? Do you think it's fair that men get to keep their name but women are expected to get used to a new name (and what if it's a crap one?).

motherinferior · 04/08/2014 15:26

I am one of those awkward feminist types who doesn't understand what marriage has to do with name-changing, frankly.

I find the idea of being expected/made to change my name to that of someone else bizarre and slightly sinister. Of course it's 'less equal'. You're changing a chunk of your identity.

Also I have a delightful and very awkward surname which in no way would I exchange for something pronounceable or spellable.

flowery · 04/08/2014 15:27

"Of course I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married! What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly?"

Women who don't take their husband's name on marriage aren't married "properly"? Confused

Well that's a new one on me!

motherinferior · 04/08/2014 15:28

It's not your 'maiden' name, btw, it's just your name.

In the admittedly unlikely event that I take up my partner's invitations to commit a spot of matrimony there is, obviously, no way I'm trading in my name for his.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 15:34

"Your opinions are deemed 'bloody stupid' and 'ridiculous' if they're not exactly the same as everyone else's."

TBF, you did start by saying "What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly?" - which given there are plenty of married, non name changers on the thread, was maybe a touch provocative, no?

Chiana · 04/08/2014 15:36

I didn't change my name, and have never had a moment's regret about that decision.