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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 18:01

Yes, that is what I said. I said 'Chiana, you are abnormal'... :/

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 18:01

Mj, for one thing, because the cheapest way to get the legal protections that marriage brings to both parties is to get married. If civil partnerships were available for heterosexual couples, I expect more would choose that route to achieve the "sharing" that you cite without some of the historic baggage of marriage. As that's not a choice, marriage is the cleanest option.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 18:03

Also - the OP wasn't "should I..." But "AIBU to want to..." She is clear what she wants; her fiancé disagrees.

squoosh · 04/08/2014 18:03

'You take on their name, you live together, you share finances, a bed, you have kids and you all have the same surname... Why bother getting married if you're not going to do any of those things?'

live together - tick
share finances - tick
share bed - tick
have kids together - tick
change surname - nope

Hmmmm, sounds pretty much like a marriage to me.

Please explain why a woman changing her name is the one thing that makes a marriage real and normal in your eyes.

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 18:04

OP and her fiance will just have to work it out between them, then won't they? I don't think he's wrong for wanting her to take his name. I don't think she's wrong for wanting to keep her own name.

I just fail to see how taking on your husband's surname makes you any less of a human being?!

LL12 · 04/08/2014 18:05

I added my husbands surname to the end of mine, I am foreign and thus have a foreign surname that I am very proud of.
My husband never had a problem with it but I know that my FIL does, I don't care what he thinks, even his own wife regrets taking his surname when she married him.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:05

Oh dear!

Is it possible to type anything here without that happening?

Substitute 'usual' for 'normal' if you wish to play the semantic game... but yes, abnormal as, in 1/3 of women in their 20s and 74% in their 30s keep their names when they marry...

Source easily found via Google

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 18:06

squoosh, perhaps you could explain why taking on your husband's surname is so unbearably unthinkable?!

squoosh · 04/08/2014 18:08

It's really very simple. I don't see why my name, my identity, should be seen as a more malleable, temporary thing. I was given a name at birth and I will die with that name.

I see it as an utterly outdated tradition.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:10

Damn, that was 2/3 of women in their 20s... and 3.4 of women in their 30s... about 90% in their 60s... take their DHs name.

so about 30% of young women, about 25% of slightly older women and less than 15% of older women prefer to keep their own names when they marry.

Why was I eating icecream and typing? It never goes well, but getting the figures back assward is unforgiveable!

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:12

squoosh, out of curiosity, did you marry? It being another outdated tradition. Or did you choose a different ceremony?

I am being nosy, I appreciate, but the number of women here keeping their names is so out of kilter with the national norms I wondered if there really is a 'MN woman' and I am just not one them!

Igggi · 04/08/2014 18:12

Marriage is about starting a joint life with someone. You take on their name, you live together etc

Someone had better tell my dh that marriage involves this! Oh, you just meant women didn't you?

It will be interesting as more gay couples marry to see what effect that has on the traditions of straight couples - if a lesbian woman marries another woman, is she still to change her name as "that's a proper marriage"? Will her partner also swap to hers? (Actually, there's an idea - exchange rings and exchange surnames!)

squoosh · 04/08/2014 18:15

'squoosh, out of curiosity, did you marry? It being another outdated tradition.'

Hmmm, I don't think I said marriage was an outdated tradition did ? Aren't you the person who got het up when you were quoted out of context?

No I'm not married, no problem with marriage, just some of the traditions that go with it.

OneSkinnyChip · 04/08/2014 18:21

I kept my name. It wasn't an issue. It's just basic respect. I was a person in my own right for all my unmarried years; that person didn't cease to exist as soon as she got a bit of bling on her finger.

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 18:21

Everyone that's taking me to task on my use of 'proper marriage'? I didn't even have a proper marriage by my own standards! I would have liked my father to 'give me away', but he did not want me to marry my husband! IN fact, he threatened to kill him at one point and tried to get me to leave him. Why should he then get to give me away? We didn't have a church wedding either. Just had a register office ceremony with very few trusted people and it was lovely. It doesn't always feel 'proper' to me how we did it tho!

The things I have pointed out as 'getting married properly' are from the traditions and old-fashioned-ness of it all. I think marriage is wonderful. But my thoughts and feelings on that are based on a man and woman getting married, as that was 'the norm' when these traditions were set.

I'm all for gay marriage. I'm very happy that gay couples can now choose to get married. I don't know what traditions they will have, but as it is new for them, I guess they can make their own.

I like having my husband's surname. It doesn't change who I am as a person. I don't feel any less of a woman or a person. It makes me feel more unified as a family that he and I and our son all share the same surname.

ceres · 04/08/2014 18:30

"I saw my dad walking me down the aisle as symbolic of his having raised me to be a fully functioning adult and having guided her into another phase of her life. Nothing to do with giving me away! Just doing the dad thing..."

fair enough. with the above sentiment in mind, did your dh's father walk him down the aisle too?

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:31

No, it was me who said that marriage was an outdated tradition..

My last post... did you get married. You said you saw taking DH name as an outdated tradition. I asked did you get married, marriage being another outdated tradition.

Never mind. I am obviously way off the beam on this thread. I really must drag myself out of the kitchen more often...

PopularNamesInclude · 04/08/2014 18:32

The numbers that Nomama posted are really encouraging... the trend is towards everyone carrying on with their own names once married. That's nice news.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:33

No, his dad was in hospital concentrating on not dying at the time.

But, as I think I have already said about 10 times, we chose to get married, traditionally. So we did all of the traditional things. If you choose to read into it that I am a downtrodden woman, fill your boots.

You too would be wrong, and again, I appreciate that you won't see that, whatever I post.

sandberry · 04/08/2014 18:33

It's totally normal. I kept my name, my husband's mother kept her name. DH thought it was a given that I wouldn't change my name, not the norm in his family at all. Children take their mother's surname.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:34

Popular read my later post. My typing the figures in the first post was corrupted by ice cream. The vast majority of women change names.

I am looking for historical numbers.... to see if there is a shift.

PopularNamesInclude · 04/08/2014 18:38

Nomama The numbers you posted suggest a shift towards everyone keeping their names. 15% of women in their 60s, 25% of women in their 30s, and just over 30% of women in their 20s. That suggests that taking the husband's surname is slowly becoming less popular. Might even be 50/50 by the time my DC marry... if they choose to do so.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:38

Still looking for numbers but found a great quote...

The conclusion most feminists come to is that the ideal is for women to have the ability to chose what they want and men to go along with it.

An dyes, I do know what will happen next...

happybubblebrain · 04/08/2014 18:43

I think you partner is right - you might as well not get married.

Not because of the name thing, but because I think everyone might as well not get married. What is the point really?

Anyway, you should do whatever you want and keep your name.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 18:45

Ah, the name think seems to bounce every 10- 15 years or so but not hugely.

Over 90% before 1975, down to an average of 80% in the 90s and back up closer to 90% these days.

That together with the stats I typed badly earlier, it would seem that we are all getting married later in life and the majority of us take our husbands name.

That is we, in the UK, other societal mores are available, give up one man's name and take on that of another. A woman never really does have her own name, it seems.

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