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Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
aurynne · 04/08/2014 10:32

Choos, everyone in Spain gets two family names, one from mum and one from dad. No one changes their names when they marry, women or men. It is actually really easy and simple and has worked for centuries.

Bue · 04/08/2014 10:45

Another interesting one is Quebec, where no one, male or female, is allowed to change their name upon marriage. Some women have tried to apply to the government for a name change, and I think even brought a couple of court cases, but it has always been rejected.

kubbs · 04/08/2014 11:02

Mine felt like this when we first got engaged but he came round in the end. My thoughts are marriage is a partnership, so why should one partner have to give up their surname which is part of who they are and means a lot to them?

I would have been heart broken to give up my surname and glad he came round, I am going to double barrel but the children will have his surname. That way it is obvious we are all related but you don't get an endless chain of double-barrelling! The two surnames don't go together that well but it's worth it to me not to lose my surname.

Examples from your family, friendship groups etc. help if you can find any. With me it helped that my brother and sister in law had done the same thing previously. Conversely, it didn't help that with all his friends, the woman had taken the husband's name. Try and find people that he likes and respects who have done the same thing (it helped that my best friend who is engaged and has two children was aghast at the thought of giving up her name!). Sometimes people assume that it means you don't want to be part of a family, but really you just don't want to give up something that's precious to you.

Also I think it's really sad when people that you went to school or worked with many moons ago with etc. don't recognise you! Having moved around a lot this is quite important to me, but didn't really wash with my other half.

mjmooseface · 04/08/2014 11:20

Of course I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married! What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly? It's like I don't understand the point of people getting married and then living separately. That makes no sense.

kubbs · 04/08/2014 11:21

Slightly off topic I can see why people might think marriage is an old fashioned institution but actually I just think it's flipping sensible especially if you are having kids!

There are tax breaks, there is a measure of financial protection if your hubbie ever god forbid throws his vows out of the window and cheats on you (and I think that works vice versa too). And it's a promise that you are going to make that relationship work even if the spark goes a bit damp-squibby, especially once you have had rugrats - richer, poorer , sickness and health, and all that.

Anyway I've done what has annoyed me previously on this thread by making it about kids when the OP specifically said they aren't having kids.

Back to the OP, just to share with you that I actually went as far as saying I wouldn't get married if he didn't get the whole name thing! It was when I was tipsy so it was in a mock joking way rather than a serious ultimatum, but it did make him realise how it wasn't about him or his name but I genuinely loved and wanted to keep my name.

I don't think anyone can understand what a wrench it is to give up your name until you are asked to do it, is it worth asking him how he would feel if for any reason he had to change his name?

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 04/08/2014 11:28

Thanks nugget and aurynne for the clarification on Spain! I couldn't remember exactly how it worked, just that everyone ended up with different surnames.

Igggi · 04/08/2014 11:39

Nonconformist - all women are automatically entitled to be "Ms" as it just denotes female status. Nothing to do with what surname you have.
In your case either Ms or Mrs would be appropriate.

Igggi · 04/08/2014 11:41

I don't think I got any tax breaks when I got married to dp, wonder if I've missed something!

SarcyMare · 04/08/2014 11:45

my husband wouldn't change his name, so neither did I.

Mitchey · 04/08/2014 11:49

I'm getting married in a couple of months time, I will double barrel it to match our sons although I've just discovered that to do that you have change your name by deed poll - as if I don't have enough to do already!!!!

kentishgirl · 04/08/2014 11:59

I didn't change my name first time round.

Marriage is being discussed with OH - I'm not sure what I want to do this time. He has a cool name I like. I like my name. Double-barreled seems too much of a fag. OH doesn't care what happens - he's said it's not important. And he's right.

OP - I wouldn't be bothered if OH had said he'd prefer me to take his name and could come up with a reason. If he'd said that baloney about independence and might as well not get married, I'd be thinking twice about marrying someone with such an offensive and odd attitude. He wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

BadLad · 04/08/2014 12:03

I wanted DW and me to have the same surname, but didn't mind who changed their name.

flowery · 04/08/2014 12:03

Surely if he thinks marriage means you giving up your independence, and also thinks you wanting to keep your independence is a bad thing, then there are more significant problems than just what you call yourselves?!

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 12:08

I'm with all the posters who say if he's that keen on commitment via same-name, he can change his to yours.

There is NO RULE at all, anywhere, which instructs women to change their names on marriage. It's a custom, nothing more, nothing less, and has been honoured in the breach as much as in the observance.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/08/2014 12:12

Of course I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married! What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly?

Wow, way to be disrespectful of other people's marriages, mjmooseface. Maybe these other people married for love and commitment. I don't think much of your marriage if a shared name is all it has going for it.

squoosh · 04/08/2014 12:46

'Of course I didn't keep my maiden name when I got married! What on earth would be the point of getting married if you weren't going to do it properly? It's like I don't understand the point of people getting married and then living separately. That makes no sense.'

I'd imagine there are quite a lot of things that don't make sense to you sweetie.

Igggi · 04/08/2014 12:49

Badlad - so who did, in the end?

BadLad · 04/08/2014 12:55

My wife did. She is NC with her father, and didn't want "his" surname any more. She was encouraged in this by her mother.

OOAOML · 04/08/2014 12:56

I wasn't sure if I wanted to change my name when I got married, so left it. I tried out double barrelling but didn't feel that was 'me'. It became a bit of an issue between us, and I ended up changing it in most places when our first child started school. I really regret it - there is now so much 'baggage' attached to both names. I'm kind of used to the name I'm using now, but it isn't 'me'. If I use my own name, then it brings back up the rather heated discussions. And don't even get me started on the people who address me as Mrs HisInitial HisSurname - I am well aware that according to various etiquette traditions that is the 'done thing' but it is so outdated now.

Sometimes I think I will just change back, but then that would be a whole other set of 'discussions'.

edamsavestheday · 04/08/2014 12:57

mjmooseface, you need to get out more. There are loads of women out there - just look at this thread - who don't change their name when they get married. Plus a further nearly 50% of the population - they are called men.

In your opinion, what's the point of men getting married if they don't change their names and 'do it properly'?

And do you seriously believe 100% of the population have to do exactly as you do? Have you heard about individual choice? We are all free to make our own decisions, you know, you are not the boss of everyone.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 12:58

"I don't think I got any tax breaks when I got married to dp, wonder if I've missed something!"

You have a double nil-rate inheritance tax band as a married couple, for one.

DidoTheDodo · 04/08/2014 13:02

I kept my name on marriage despite the catsbum faces (and daft comments about "why bother getting married?") by some relatives. (not sure they all got he message though, at a wedding this weekend my place card had DH's surname on it :( )

Anyway, my surname is that of my great grandmother. I changed it myself several years ago. Most empowering. So I have neither my father's name nor my husband's, although I love them both very much.

JapaneseMargaret · 04/08/2014 13:09

Correct me if I'm misunderstanding re the Spanish system, but does it work out that it's the paternal and maternal grandfather's name that gets passed down........? Hmm

JapaneseMargaret · 04/08/2014 13:10

And why does the father's name get first billing? Or doesn't it, necessarily?

OOAOML · 04/08/2014 13:11

I think I read that with the Spanish system it is the paternal names that get passed down, but at a generation's remove IYSWIM.