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Original poster

To want to keep my maiden name?

382 replies

Mitzimaybe · 03/08/2014 11:21

My DP wants me to take his surname when we get married next year. It's traditional and he says if I keep my own name that means I want to keep my independence, so we might as well not get married.

I think it's a leftover from a patriarchal society where the bride ceased to be the property of her father and became the property of her husband, and it has no place in our modern, equal relationship.

I'd appreciate any replies that would help him see my point of view, (not just LTB!)

N.B. We are not young and won't have any children, if that makes any difference.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 04/08/2014 20:21

nomama
you

nickelbabe · 04/08/2014 20:24

nomama sometimes it's useful to go to every eventuality. if i'd not mentioned the 18 thing, some smartarse would have commented on the fact that cgildren don't get to choose. there's no point discussingg name change on marriage if you aren't going to discuss what is and isn't legal in this country.
and being obtuse doesn't help anyone

Nomama · 04/08/2014 20:25

But, from my perspective, it isn't me being obtuse...

nickelbabe · 04/08/2014 20:29

I didnmt mean you

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/08/2014 20:32

Nomama, as saoirse eloquently explained, everyone's surname is a patronym ( by and large) but it's only women who are considered to be borrowing it from their father until they get married.

BasketzatDawn · 04/08/2014 20:32

Marriage 'normal' or otherwise confers the security of inheriting his 'wealth' should he die intestate (which mine no doubt will as after 25 years and 4 days and no name-change in sight we still have no wills Blush). And vice versa. And insurance policies, some pensions, etc. It may not be very romantic but it is practical. Wink

Over the years we've had some corkers, from friends and relatives of all ages - and especially in December Grin - but very many just accept that I got married and didn't change my name. No big deal. It's one area DH and I have always agreed on - and ultimately it IS only our business.

Op, as others have said, you need to have a conversation with the only person whose business it is, apart from you that is. I hope you can sort it out.

Nomama · 04/08/2014 20:38

nicklebabe, apologies.

Ehric, twasn't only saoirse that point out the patronyms. Boys continue the line, the wealth the honour. I know that. The point I was making is that it is daft to get het up about taking one mans name when/if you marry him when you were saddled with the name of a man at birth!

But it is a matter of choice. No one is right or wrong. I'd just be a little less pissed off if my perspective could be acknowledged without any judgment or caveats, as such

squoosh · 04/08/2014 20:45

None of us have any control over the name we're given at birth, all we are in control of is the name we continue through life with. So I'm afraid I don't agree that it's 'daft' to have strong feelings about women taking their husband's name upon marrying.

GrowlLikeMargeSimpson · 04/08/2014 20:45

You know I don't think the name thing is the most important part of the OP's post. I would worry about the idea your fiancé has that you have to give up your independence or it's not worth his while marrying you. Can you ask him to quantify what he means? Does he expect to have the final word on most things once you are married? For instance whether or not you work after DC, will that be your decision, a joint decision or his decision? There are lots of decisions to be made, big and small, where you live, how many DC you will have, how much you save regularly, whether you buy luxury brands or cheapest possible, which family you spend Christmas with, what you do in your free time (assuming you are allowed to have any).

It would be pretty miserable to be married to someone who claims to listen to your point of view, over-rules it because you're 'wrong' and then proclaims it a joint decision.

I didn't change my name btw, I just didn't feel like it. I don't care what other people do, and I definitely don't care about their opinion on my decisions. Having read this thread I think it's a shame that keeping my name doesn't mean that I don't have a proper marriage as I'm getting divorced and it's a pain in the neck. If I could just say, 'hey, look, I have never, ever used my H's surname so I was never really married' and walk away, it would be wonderful.

BohemianCat · 04/08/2014 20:54

I kept my Maiden name and added his, so it became a double barrelled name which suits us all.
Take time to reason... If he truly wants to marry you, maybe he will eventually compromise.

ocelot41 · 04/08/2014 21:01

He said that? Wowzers. He needs to talk through whatever is going on up there.

I would have felt totally weird changing my name - so I didnt. I still hate getting mail addressed to Mrs X - esp from close family!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 21:12

"None of us have any control over the name we're given at birth, all we are in control of is the name we continue through life with."

Yy to this.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 04/08/2014 21:13

"Take time to reason... If he truly wants to marry you, maybe he will eventually compromise."

Err, what?!?

edamsavestheday · 04/08/2014 21:23

Nomama, apparently Brewster is a female surname, because brewing was a female occupation. There are others but I can't recall them right now.

Anyway, my surname is MY name. It's been my name my whole life. It may be one that was handed down from my Dad but it was my identity before I got married and it's remained my identity. It also reflects my roots (never really knew my Mother's family as sadly my Gran died before I was born and my Granddad when I was a toddler).

Dh's family have a tradition of handing down a surname-as-middle-name that we've discovered came from a female ancestor - we found a sampler with her name on, that she made as a young girl in 1796. Lovely story but didn't hand it down to ds as it's a bit embarrassing.

OOAOML · 04/08/2014 21:53

I changed my name 5 years into my marriage. Now, 9 years after that I'm starting to think about changing it back. I've done it on FB etc just to see what it felt like and I'm surprised at how much I like it. I wish I hadn't changed in the first place as it'd be shedloads of hassle to change everything back but am seriously thinking of using my maiden name in day

Shelagh how did you find doing this? I would love to, but fear it would unleash a heap of angst from DH.

TalkinPeace · 04/08/2014 21:57

JUST USE BOTH

FFS
which bit do you all wilfully ignore ????????

have different names for different things

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/08/2014 22:01

Or don't talkinpeace? Maybe we don't want different names for different things? People aren't ignoring your suggestion they just don't find it a good one, clearly.

DarkBlueEyes · 04/08/2014 22:08

Changing your name is just a convention, nothing more. Its historical roots have been well explained on here - of course when you get married you cease to be your father's property and become your husband's Wink and that is certainly why I object to it (for me).

On a practical level, it's much easier to keep your name. I'm so glad I did with my first marriage (no admin nightmares when we divorced). Second time round I have kept my name and added his. It has discombobulated a few people but I don't care. It's my name, it's my right to decide if I want to keep it or call myself something else.

Actually it's his reaction to your plan that worries me. One would hope that there's more rationale to getting married than changing your name!

Good luck with that conversation...

prettybird · 04/08/2014 22:20

I am a bit Hmm at the way statistics are being used here.

The fact that such high (and growing) proportions of people are making the decision to keep their names means that it is no longer the "societal norm" to do so what does that mean anyway? . The majority may choose to do so - but it's like saying that because the majority of people read tabloid papers, then it is the societal norm to do so and you are somehow abnormal if you don't Hmm

I pass no judgement on those that choose to change their names - that is their prerogative. I didn't want to and my dh didn't see the need for me to do so. We did discuss double-barrelling it for a nano-second but it would have sounded like a disease Grin. That wasn't and isn't the basis of our marriage, which is the commitment to be together through tough times and good. If we hadn't been married, I might have walked away during some of the tough times especially before ds - but that bit of paper represents a commitment which we've stuck to.

I was 37 when we got married (met dh-to-be when I was 31) - but even if I'd got married in my 20s I'd still have kept my distinctive name. I'd have serious doubts about a potential dh who felt threatened by my identity. If I wanted to change my name, then fine. But to be told that I needed to do it to prove that I was no longer independent, NO Hmm

squoosh · 04/08/2014 22:21

Why the hell should she use both names? To placate a controlling fiancé? Yeah, good plan!

motherinferior · 04/08/2014 23:32

Methinks Nomama doth protest too much. Grin

OP, just keep your name. Just because you marry the bloke isn't a reason for a rebrand.

motherinferior · 04/08/2014 23:35

Or don't marry him at all, you know. You really don't have to. A few legal documents will sort you out. I get DP's pension if he pops his clogs even though I haven't married him.Wink

CelticPromise · 04/08/2014 23:51

I am amazed by the number of women I know who have changed their names. I have no idea why you would.

DH expressed surprise when we were engaged that I would not take his name, because he thought it would be nice for us to have the same name. I suggested if he felt strongly about it he was very welcome to take mine- never mentioned again...

Gennz · 05/08/2014 00:17

It never fails to amaze me how wound up the people who have changed their names on marriage get about the people who don't. Not all, obviously, but there are some who seem to take it as a personal slight.

I have very strong views about name changing on marriage - I don't agree with it at all, for all the historical baggage and connotatons of inequality that it entails - but I accept that some people aren't bothered by this and have happily chosen to change their name, so I don't force my views down their throats (unless questioned specifically about why I didn't). I would like the same courtesy extended to me, but invariably I get idiotic comments like "what's the point in getting married" (because we love each other and are committed to each other... y'know the usual reasons for getting married) "what about your kids!" (what about them?). I must say of all the children I know who have different names from their parents - whether because their parents aren't married, or because their mothers have kept their names, or another reason - none of them seem fazed or remotely confused about who their parents are - it's the adults who get hot under the collar about it.

DH never had an issue with me keeping my name - he knows my views on things, particularly female equality, are important to me, and I assume he loves me because of my views, not in spite of them. If he was someone who had an issue with me keeping my name, he's not someone I would want to marry.

Nomama · 05/08/2014 00:28

As perspectives go, Gennz, it works the same the other way round. I do take it as a personal slight for the same reasons as you outline. I would like the same courtesy extended to me, words like 'abhorrent' not being used about my legal and perfectly normal life choices, but there you go. People on both sides getting wound up. Opinions will do that...