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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

165 replies

Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:12

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 01/08/2014 00:19

Why couldn't your husband take him to the appointment.

I think it's pretty rubbish to cancel at such short notice.

angeltulips · 01/08/2014 00:20

V poor form. Get your husband to take him to the appt. it's freaking rude to cancel like that - and by email!

SiennaBlake · 01/08/2014 00:21

Your husband sounds like a right donut Grin HOW DARE THEY SEPARATE A MAN AND WIFE. OMG.

Namechangearoonie123 · 01/08/2014 00:23

I think you probably could have asked on here about the first assessment as you might have got the answer that anyone can take them and they don't do much in the first appointment.

However, I can hear that it's important to you that you go and you have to focus on that.

It is bad manners to back out of going to a wedding, but considering her manners are worse by not responding and passive aggressively slagging you off on Facebook.

Her manners are worse IMO

Original poster
Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:24

I know it's rubbish :(
He's in another country that day for work and I've had to find someone to pay to look after the other two kids so I can take him. We dont live anywhere near any family. I've waited 6 months for this appt and they won't reschedule. Logistically something had to give and it was the wedding :(

OP posts:
geekwitharaygun · 01/08/2014 00:25

Tough call this one, though I can't see how putting DS's needs first could be said to be unreasonable.

I was thinking about what your DH said. Where my family come from in India when there is a wedding the bride and groom tie bands to signify their union, and so do all the married couples invited to the wedding. It's a gesture that makes you feel warm and fizzy thinking back to your own wedding. It sounds like there are other people who would have liked to have their DH's there too.

Hopefully it will all blow over and she'll be fbing about the wedding and honeymoon instead

Littleturkish · 01/08/2014 00:27

She's been rude. Ignore it and stop feeling guilty.

You should have called to tell her, is it still possible to?

ancientbuchanan · 01/08/2014 00:27

I would send her a private email explaining all that. I would also send her the present you were going to take.

Then leave it. You have behaved as well as you can.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/08/2014 00:28

Yanbu to cancel for the reason you have.

The Facebook status may have been made before she read your message.

People have cancelled last minute from my wedding at short notice due to medical issues, I haven't batted an eyelid and certainty haven't thought them "shitty people".

Original poster
Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:28

Ps it's not a standard assessment, I'm paying privately for 3 sessions with one of the top doctors on the subject as theres stuff thats pretty urgent, as his main caregiver there's a whole lot of stuff my husband wouldn't be able to answer.

(I promise he's not a doughnut, he's from another country where culturally, you would just never not invite the whole couple to a wedding, whereas I do get it.)

OP posts:
SiennaBlake · 01/08/2014 00:29

I'll let him off then, sorry. I forget that other cultures have different wedding rules! I retract my donut comment!

Iffy2014 · 01/08/2014 00:32

It does seem funny though, to complain about a wedding potentially splitting up a husband and wife for the day, when he's actually working away in another country regardless!

ICanSeeTheSun · 01/08/2014 00:34

Well I see no way you could go, Shame I bet you was looking forward to it.

Re the appointment, while your head is clear write down all your concerns. I went to Ds 1st appointment with very little preparation and my mind went blank after waiting in the waiting room for over 3/4 with my Ds who 100mph and I was stressed.

Original poster
Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:35

:) The work trip came up at the same time as the appt, long after the invite. Guess the whole couples invites for weddings is a whole other debatable subject!!!

I think I'll let her sleep on it (she's publicly shamed the cancellers a few times this week....) and send her a message in the morning. She's not a close close friend so I can't predict how this will turn out but I can only do my best and hope she calms down.

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/08/2014 00:42

Of course you want to go with your son to see if he has special needs, it is not like it is a trip to the dentist where anyone could take him. The specialists will likely have lots of questions you'll need to answer. Really unfortunate timing but understandable that it has to come first, so for that YANBU.

I am with your husband on the view of thinking it is weird to only invite one person from a couple (whether that's married or living together) to a wedding. Is the future going to be that once you get married, you'd better enjoy your own day together, because that's the only time you'll ever be at a wedding with your spouse? veers off course with thread

Iffy2014 · 01/08/2014 00:42

Gosh, she's obviously had a few "cancellers" then. Wonder why that is? I've not heard of that so close to a wedding before.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/08/2014 00:44

Because she didn't plus one maybe?

EthicalPickle · 01/08/2014 00:48

Has she named you? Or only other 'cancel'ers'. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. It's a real shame you had to cancel so late but it is unavoidable.
You say you are not close but you are close enough to be invited to her wedding Confused. What about phoning her?

If not send the present with a nice card and apology and forget about it.
Hope everything works out with your DS's appointment. Smile

SconeRhymesWithGone · 01/08/2014 00:49

OP, your child comes first, and the bride should understand that.

Iffy2014 · 01/08/2014 00:54

But to cancel within a fortnight of a wedding due to disagreement over plus ones? Surely you just don't accept the invite in the first place.

Agree with Scone, OP, your child comes first to you, and the bride should be understanding of that.

Choochootrain1 · 01/08/2014 00:59

I think its easy to imagine how stressed, nervous, and in turn unreasonable a bride can quickly become - to her, its the most important day of her life, that she's spent planning for who knows how long, and spent who knows how much on.

However you're not BU. It's just unfortunate. In time hopefully she will see that.

Definitely still send the gift. Perhaps along with another handwritten apology. Even after the phone call. Not because you're in the wrong - just because it will probably go a long way to healing the disappointment you didn't make it.

fairylightsintheloft · 01/08/2014 00:59

aside from all the plus one stuff, she probably doesn't appreciate the nature of this appointment, that isn;t just something that can be rescheduled. We had to miss our DS's first one and it wasn't rescheduled until 5 months later. It is important that you are both there because they ask so many qs about examples of behaviour and its actually hard to think on the spot. Let her get past the wedding and contact her afterwards - if you can be bothered - I have very little patience for people who rant on FB about personal issues instead of dealing with them directly and privately.

blanklook · 01/08/2014 01:29

I'd still apologise via letter and explain how important and not-cancellable the assessment is, send her the gift I'd bought and also enclose a cheque to cover her costs of my non-attendance on the day.

wafflyversatile · 01/08/2014 01:32

If she's had a few cancel then I imagine she's getting pretty pissed off and paranoid by now. That doesn't mean she doesn't understand why you have cancelled but if she's getting hacked off then maybe she needs to wait until she calms down before she is able to send a pursed-lipped 'That's ok. can't be avoided. Never mind. We'll miss you' rather than 'you fucker. you're the 6th person to do this. well fuck the lot of you'.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 01/08/2014 01:37

Wow, I am amazed at the comments suggesting that the OP shouldn't go to the appointment, and that she is rude for backing out.

Unless I've massively missed the sarcasm?