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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

165 replies

Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:12

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

OP posts:

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 14/09/2014 11:48

OP, YANBU and you've done the right thing backing off now. I always knew I was on the laid back side about my own wedding but some of the responses on here are a real eye-opener. If someone is in tears over their seating plan no longer being perfect how can you possibly really enjoy what should be a lovely day???? And as for offering to pay, why on earth if you have had to cancel in good faith? If the wedding couple have stretched themselves so badly that the cost of one dinner is as a big a deal as that then they should take a look at their own spending decisions, not bitch about other people.

FWIW a friend of mine cancelled by text on the morning of my wedding because she, her DH and DD (9mo) all had stinking colds and it was a two hour drive each way for them. I simply texted back to say we would miss them but hoped they all felt better soon.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 14/09/2014 11:50

Writer I do understand the reaction to stress though - although I was a v laid back bride I have certainly tied myself in knots about plenty of other stuff over the years!

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 12:47

We wanted the seating plan perfect because we were having it framed after the wedding as a memento to the day - we didn't want the names of guests on there who weren't actually at the Wedding

oranges · 14/09/2014 12:55

you have people you can pay to do seating plans??I honestly had no idea (wipes memory of tearing up the seating plan the night before the wedding because of so manny cancellations and letting people just sit where they wanted.)

waithorse · 14/09/2014 12:56

Some people on here need to read the thread.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 13:26

Well I paid the lady who did all the wedding stationery for us (name places, seating plan, table names etc) plan - I.e when I say the seating plan I mean the big one that goes on the stand that people look at to see where they're sitting, lol.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 13:28

Oranges - I think I would have gone into melt down if that had happened. I had one guest not even show up and not even let me know. She asked one of the other guests to let me know when she saw me (which happened to be after the ceremony took place). I was not impressed

UptheChimney · 14/09/2014 14:05

We wanted the seating plan perfect because we were having it framed after the wedding as a memento to the day

FFS

I think I've heard everything now.

OP you've nothing to beat yourself up about, you've behaved generously. Some people have such little lives and brains, they can't see past their own petty concerns.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 14:16

My goodness it took me all but 10 mins to do my seating plan. How can a seating plan be expensive

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 14:19

Because it was done very professionally - it had all ribbons on it, various shades and textures of coloured card/paper, all the text was calligraphy and we had various intricate images over it etc- it took her a long time to do

And all our table name placards and place names were all the same design.

I thought it was the norm to have fancy stationery lol

sizeup · 14/09/2014 14:20

You totally did the right thing. She is the rude one to not even acknowledge your very generous gift. True friends don't behave like that.

Hedger · 14/09/2014 14:22

YANBU at all. I don't think it's even a grey area. Your child comes first, end of story. Autism needs to be diagnosed and therapies put in place as soon as possible - the earlier it is caught, the more effective therapies will be.

I think your friend should have replied to your email saying that she completely understands, wishing all the best for the appointment and saying she is there if you need any support. If she is more upset about you not going to her wedding than she is upset on your behalf about your son possibly having autism, then she is a bad human being!

All the very best for you and your DS - this is one more stress you just didn't need, isn't it? I do feel for you. It's at times like this that you realise who your real friends are.

Having said al that, maybe her FB status was referring to someone else and she just hasn't had time to reply to you yet. I'd follow up with a call maybe to apologise again and see how she sounds - if she's annoyed with you, she is not worth having as a friend.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 14/09/2014 14:23

I'm glad the op has such more self restraint thAn I would have, I'm afraid I would have wrote a message to the "friend" telling her im sorry she's giving the silent treatment, and then inform her I'm sorry I missed the wedding and for her information the appts that were scheduled were actually worth the cancellation! And then I would wish her a happy life

Then block
Then delete

Hope your ok op

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 14:26

well the hotel did ours, I gave them a list of names and what tables they were on and they did it.

Hedger · 14/09/2014 14:27

Oof, sorry - I posted before I had read the whole thread.

Having seen you then sent her a generous present and she hasn't thanked you or asked how the appointment went then, yes, she is officially a bad human being!

Not worth spending any more time over. You haven't really lost a friend - she wasn't a friend in the first place.

Hugs and all the very best for your son. You did the right thing, no question.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 14:36

I agree Hedger she wasent, good friends do not treat one another like this, it is appealling. If I were in the brides position, I would have honestly been fine about it, its a hospital appointment that you cannot miss, thanked you personally for your very generous gift, and asked how the appointment went. What an attention seeker putting it on Facebook, me me me.

Hedger · 14/09/2014 14:40

Oh and for anyone saying OP's husband is being ridiculous for being upset at not having been invited to the wedding in the first place - not inviting a husband or wife to a wedding is very bad form - it's just not done. And anyway, as OP has said, that was just an aside and nothing to do with the main point of the post.

Sorry to post a third time but the posters on here who have written anything critical of the OP have really got my goat!

Holfin · 14/09/2014 14:44

It's a life-changing, family-changing thing, and it needs to be taken seriously.

I am going through the assessment process with my DD at the moment. I just wanted to say how I totally agree with this statement. It is not just a case of someone else taking your child to appointment which could change your life.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 14/09/2014 14:47

I think for most weddings you are better off using a black board for the seating plan

Figamol - I hope this is the start of you and your DS getting the help you need x

rainbowinmyroom · 14/09/2014 14:58

YANBU.

Some people get ridiculous over their wedding, like having a seating plan (adults are capable of finding their own seats), paying someone to do it, having it framed, etc.

Just I follow this cow.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 15:05

You obviously feel badly about it but you probably haven't acted very well and you know it. You've e-mailed (bad) and she's not replied. Leave it. You've said that you're not close friends anyway and that's apparent otherwise you'd have been in touch personally with her.

If you can't be separated for a day as 'man and wife', or just don't want to go for whatever reason, you decline, not accept and then cancel.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 15:09

Bloody pages... sorry OP.

Good idea to unfollow and defriend. It's done now and you tried to make amends but she's ignoring that. You haven't really lost a friend.

Original poster

Figamol · 14/09/2014 15:22

You're right, I do wish I'd phoned first. I had 3 under 3 kids running around and I never felt like I got a good moment so got to the point where I had to email for her wedding organisation sake and follow up with a call. I tried but she wouldnt answer after that.

Since then I havent pushed being in touch with her personally as even though I know I could have handled it better, I also feel pretty stunned at her lack of understanding or thanks for a generous gift that would have paid for my own family to have fab day out. I NEVER cancelled because my husband wasnt invited, I wouldnt have accepted to go if it was a problem. It wasnt to me.

Anyway Im very grateful for all replies, it helps me see all sides. My DS has his final assessment appt tomorrow and I know I have to focus on him now.

OP posts:

Billben · 14/09/2014 15:26

Well, YANBU in my opinion. It's unfortunate, but you have had a very good reason to cancel. If it was me, I would have declined the invitation to start with if it meant my husband wasn't invited. Find that utterly ridiculous and very rude.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 15:54

rainbow - perhaps you could tell me about your wedding so I could find something to slag off seeing as you think that's a perfectly fine way to behave.

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