To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

[Figamol]

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

[Figamol]

Update: Well I went to my sons autism appt and he has one more assessment left before we get a diagnosis. I'm very happy that I did the right thing in putting my son first. I've appeared to lose a friend in the process though. I sent her a wedding card and a £100 voucher for the venue she got married at thinking it would be nice for them to return for dinner. But I've heard nothing. Not a thank you, or how is your son. Guess I had a proper narcissist as a friend. Am not sure how to proceed now. We're awkwardly facebook friends and she's stopped liking and commenting (and she's a total social media queen) so I know I'm getting the silent treatment. I'd like to unfriend her but I think that's immature, so do I just leave it as it is? Or message her asking what's going on or if she got the voucher? I'm happy I've done everything I could in a proper manner so feel any bad feeling at this point is being created by her.

[QuintessentiallyQS]

She is not a friend. Just ignore her. Sorry though.

[waithorse]

I had wondered what had happened with this, I remember the thread. Unfriend her. She's pathetic and certainly not a friend. I hope you get a diagnosis for your son soon.

[hormonalandneedingcheese]

I would unfollow her OP. I wouldn't defriend because if someone is being passive aggressive it gives them validation that their methods work. I'd unfollow and ignore.

[SpaceInvaders]

Wha? What the heck's wrong with being separated from your husband for a day while you go to the wedding?! Are you glued to the hip or something?! Will you expire if you're away from each other too long?! For crying out loud!
I hate to break it to you, but when you get married you are still allowed to be your own person. (I'm married and have been for over 10 years just for the record.)
Why can't your husband take him to the appointment? Or am I missing something?!

[SpaceInvaders]

OK just seen your dh can;t take. Fair enough, Still daft that he's whining on about it being 'bad form' that you're invited somewhere and he isn't though!

[LittleprincessinGOLDrocks]

I think you were generous to send the £100 voucher, and she is rude not to have at least let you know it has arrived. I would be tempted to ask if she has had a chance to use the voucher yet and see if she responds - no response means I would drop her.
But it may be more dignified to just silently drop her.

[Figamol]

Sorry, yes you totally missed something. If you read the whole post it's nothing to do with my husband not going. Culturally it's not the done thing where he's from but he really didn't care. It was just small side issue. It's to do with not going to a wedding because I have to travel to an autism appt with my son the day after the wedding and my friend being thoroughly crappy about it. He was away with work from that morning and I had to get child are for the other two. Trust me after 14 years together we're more than happy to do separate partying sometimes :)

[Aeroflotgirl]

Ignore all the people on here saying Yabvu, your ds he ducal appointment that you waited 6 months for, comes first. Nobody else to take him, so you must. I wouldent have minded if I were the bride, I would have seen if I could cancel your place or get so body else to go.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Medical appointment doh

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just seen your update, she sounds awful, rude and conceited. Like her day is the be all and end all. £100 your too generous.

[MooMaid]

She's not worth it as a friend and sounds up her own arse. Unfollow and leave it be, I wouldn't try to 'make up' with her anymore although I would be tempted to send her an email along the lines of "Hope you enjoy the voucher I sent, I'm assuming you got it. My son's appt went fine thanks for asking" But I wouldn't actually send it - stooping to her level. Dodged a bullet there I'm sure.

[SkimWordsSuck]

You handled it perfectly and I really wouldn't give this anymore thought. I would not delete her on Facebook but you could hide her so so don't have to be reminded of her.

It is possible that she has just been ridiculously busy and has just forgotten to get back to you - (unlikely ....but possible).

I hope everything works out for your lad.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I'd just go quiet for now. She will presumably have loads of thank you cards to write so it might take a while. It doesn't sound very promising though.

[toadhillflax]

I'm afraid I would send a one last passive-agggressive message 'Hi, just checking the 100 gift voucher I send you for you for your wedding arrived safely. I hope you and [DH] can use it for a lovely meal'

[NanooCov]

She's not a friend. You went to the effort and expense of attending a hen abroad. You have a genuine and wholly acceptable reason for cancelling. You sent a generous gift. Unfollow her on Facebook and just forget about her. I'm not surprised she had cancellations from others if her public shaming on Facebook is any indication of her personality.
As an aside, I can't understand why anyone would invite only half a couple to a wedding - it's very odd to me and I think suggests not only are they not interested in your partner (or getting to know them) but aren't actually that interested in you.

[Figamol]

Thanks all, having slept on it, Ive unfollowed her and decided not to contact her again. I dont mind Ive lost her as a friend, after a weird hen do I see we are different people, I am just very frustrated at her behaviour, sometimes people are just so confusing and I can never understand why people behave like they do.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Good on you, she sounds selfish, conceited and very up her own arse. You don't need 'friends' like this.

[Writerwannabe83]

You did the right thing and she is being incredibly childish by shunning your very generous payment. Her actions say a lot about her and as has been said, she isn't a friend

FWIW - my DH declined a wedding invite because I couldn't go so I can understand why some of her other cancellations may have been due to this.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

I think you did absolutely the right thing, Figamol.

FWIW, My son is also due an Autism assessment the week after next (and it did happen that quickly - I saw the school on the Friday we got back, and they moved very quickly to get the assessor in in the next few weeks). The assessor wants to see me as I am an integral part of the assessment process. Both me and my husband will be going, because it is important to both of us. We've both taken time off work, because our son potentially having Autism is fucking important.

A child having autism and going through this is not the same as sending a NT child to the dentist and something that can be passed off to someone else. It just isn't. It's a life-changing, family-changing thing, and it needs to be taken seriously.

I'm sorry your friend can't see that. I'm pretty sorry that some people on the thread can't see that.

Good luck to you. I know the stress and sadness that you're probably feeling right now. It's really harsh to go through, so hugs and sympathy to you.

[Viviennemary]

I think it's a poor show tbh. Why couldn't your husband have taken him. You accepted the invitation and should have gone to the wedding. It costs a lot of money for weddings. And to cancel by e-mail. that's downright rude. Sorry if this is what you want to hear but that's how I'd be thinking if I was your friend.

[Writerwannabe83]

The OP already explained that her DH wasn't in the Country so couldn't take their son to his appointment.

[Viviennemary]

Sorry I missed that. I suppose everyone just has to make difficult decisions at times. And some people are going to be annoyed.

[Stealthpolarbear]

You did the right thing op

[Writerwannabe83]

She's probably pissed off about having to re-make all the stationery and seating plan etc

When I had a couple drop out of my wedding a week beforehand I just cried due to the stress and the thought of my very lovely expensive seating plan being wrong. Thankfully the woman we had paid to do it was happy to make us another one but we had to pay for it again. I also hated having empty seats at the table where everything had been planned to precision

In hindsight it was very silly to get so stressed over it but in the throws of the planning and so close to the date it felt like my world was caving in around me