To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

[Figamol]

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

clamitously yes I know - the bit I put was a direct quote from another poster, not me writing ironically about that kind of attitude - she (I assume she) was being utterly serious, and it was too hilarious not to pick up on. Unless of course she was taking the piss too and I just fell for the bait!

[CalamitouslyWrong]

Sadly she probably wasn't. The whole 'special day' stuff has become totally ludicrous and people really do seem to believe it.

[Branleuse]

rearrNge the appointment

[flyingtrue]

YANBU for cancelling OP. From her POV though she may not understand why you've only found out ten days before (usually appointments are a month or so in advance), why your DP can't go etc and it probably has upset her. She's probably not thinking you should prioritise her over your son, she probably just doesn't get that you just found out and you need to be there. Added to that other people cancelling and it just fuels the flames.

SWBU to post on fb about it, very passive aggressive. Statuses like that always say more about the poster then anything else.

I do think you should have phoned though, a lot can be interpreted through writing and it's more courteous when given an invitation especially if you've been issued a day invitation which i presume you have because you say they'll have to pay. Also was the invitation just for you or your whole family? Because tht would cause more panic if a few people then just one.

[Dontgotosleep]

No You're not being unreasonable at all. Your D.S comes before anyone and anything. Her wedding included. Don't you dare feel guilty.
Love and thoughts.x
I can bit thoughtless and harsh wasn't it. She's is mum ffs she wants to be with her D.S. Heaven forbid what would you do if it were your child, you'd want to be there. I know I would.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

You are making the right decision and tbh having been through asd assessment with ds2 even if I could have rearranged his appointments I wouldn't, there is so much to be done and thought about in these early stages and the wheels move slowly so I certainly wouldn't want to slow it down any further.

[SuchSweetSorrow]

She sounds awful.

A decent, caring normal friend would have been back in contact by now assuring you she understood and wishing you luck for your son's appointment. Only a self obsessed tosspot would assume you were being unreasonable for putting your own son before someone else's wedding.

FFS

Hope it all goes well with your ds

[MissDuke]

I don't think you should message her again, but I do think a quick phone call is in order. You don't even know if she has received the email.

However do not let her make you feel bad. Trust me, you will be in no frame of mind for celebrating a wedding anyway, these appointments are a big deal and very nerve wrecking. Absolutely you have no choice but to prioritise that, and it is important that you take him yourself.

Good luck at the appointment. I often say you find out who your friends are when you go through situations like this, it really is tough and takes over your life for a while. I guess you will soon find out if the bride is truly a friend.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

branleuse speaking from experience and as other PP have said, it's not simple to rearrange these appointments - one waits months. Knowing the suffering her DS is likely to be going through, it really is not fair to prioritise the wedding over his needs. I'm guessing that the reason it was so short notice is that OP has been offered a cancelation appointment.

[SteeleyeSpanx]

In general, I would agree that it is bad manners to back out of a meeting at the last minute,...However...

You say that your DS's appointment is the next day? So the wedding is either on a Sunday or a weekday? With people going to work the next day?

I think the B&G need to accept that if you have your wedding on anything other than a saturday (poss a friday) then people might be unable to come due to other commitments...

[SteeleyeSpanx]

Very much off topic but re this appointment - if you are going private, why have you been waiting for 6 months and how come they are being so inflexible with a changing the date?

He who pays the piper, and all that. I'd be very cross at that sort of service level, especially if I were paying for it!

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

steely with ASD wait time even for private is often months - NHS can be a couple of years depending where you live, so often private is the best option. Supply and demand issues mean you don't generally get to choose an appointment and a reschedule would mean extending wait time by months.

[Smoolett]

Yanbu. Your child comes first. I would absolutely do the same. I agree with your hubby on the invite as well. I'd be questioning my friendship with this friend as well.
We had a couple cancel our wedding the day before as their dd was ill. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to think that one of them should have been there.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

But back to the topic had also wondered if it was a weekday one - OP doesn't say, so I'm guessing perhaps not (as yes that would be another factor in it being reasonable to need to cancel), but that as she said that it's travelling times that are the problem, maybe the wedding is Saturday pm, and ends too late to go home that day, and then there wouldn't be time to then get home on the Sunday and off to wherever the appointment is on the Sunday in time for first thing Monday?? For assessment, her DS would ideally need to be well-rested and in a calm mood too, so travelling too late on the Sunday wouldn't be a good idea either.

[Topaz25]

I think the B&G need to accept that if you have your wedding on anything other than a saturday (poss a friday) then people might be unable to come due to other commitments...

Oh a Friday is still unacceptable apparently. I didn't think it was so beyond the pale but some people in our social circle acted like we were BVVVU when we were planning a Friday wedding. I understood people might have other commitments and didn't mind if they couldn't make it, I just minded the expectation that we change our wedding date for them!

[SteeleyeSpanx]

I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding

...it must be a weekday, or a Sunday.

[SteeleyeSpanx]

To be fair, if the Wedding were on a Saturday and the appointment on the Monday, I would think OP were being the unreasonable one if she cancelled - that is perfectly do-able.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

Ah yes, forgot that she did specify actually next day. Though if the wedding were say in Scotland/Cornwall (bride often gets married from family home which is not nec anywhere near where she now loves) and the OP lives say in the Midlands, and the appointment is in London, even Saturday to Monday would not be doable. Particularly since this would be very much out of routine for her DS, and he'd need almost certainly need time to calm down again before assessment.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

Lives, not loves, though that is probably also true!

Also I meant that the travelling itself would be out of routine for her DS and he'd likely need time to calm down again.

[ChoosandChipsandSealingWax]

topaz I had read steeley as meaning Friday was OK - I'd agree with you (same as a wedding abroad) that so long as you don't mind that that would mean some people can't make it, then it's fine. They obviously just really wanted to be there with you, so that's nice in a way.

[hackmum]

OP, YANBU.

I also don't get why emailing is so bad.

I bet what's happened is that she's had a whole load of people cancel and she's panicking - the OP has just been lumped in with other people who might not have such a good excuse.

[thewavesofthesea]

We had someone cancel a day before our wedding, and then who actually cancelled on the day. To me, after she had been to the church service. Said she couldn't make the do as she was going out for lunch with her mum or something.

No good reasons for either and really pissed us off as we had had to trim our guest list and meant that we didn't invite some people that we should have done.

[fluffymouse]

It sounds like you have looked into alternatives and there is no way you can attend the wedding.. not great at such short notice but fair enough.

Still send her a card and present.

In your situation Yanbu.

We had people who just didn't turn up on the day, no reason given. One turned up after the meal, saying they had to work (fine but you could have told us so we could have invited someone else to the meal), then still expected food. That was rude.

[fairgroundsnack]

Surely if some people have cancelled then the 'plus ones' of the people who are going can now be invited?

[Cuteypatootey]

Pretty silly of her not to invite husbands. you should have offered to pay for your place though.