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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

165 replies

Figamol · 01/08/2014 00:12

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

OP posts:

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/08/2014 01:44

No, I don't think people would cancel because of the 'no plus one' thing, as you say Iffy, they would have declined the invite in the first place if they had a problem with that. I mentioned the plus one thing because where only one person is going, the wedding may seem a bit less formal, a more 'works night out, 'mums night out' feel, which you know you can have again in the future, so it may seem a little less important if you have to cancel going to the reception as you can see everyone again in that single group of friends another time.
But what do I know, I'm stuck in the past with my wacky out of touch 'invite the couple' attitude .

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 01/08/2014 01:51

Yourkids totally agree.
You could just see the question on AIBU...
AIBU to get a friend to take my son to his first specialist assessment to see if he has special needs so that I go to a wedding with the girls the night before? I will be too hungover/tired to travel the next day...

MN: YABVVVVU

SallyMcgally · 01/08/2014 02:49

YANBU. Good luck with your DS's appointment.

MorphineDreams · 01/08/2014 03:04

I don't give a toss, your sons assessment is first and foremost. I'm sure if you explain they'll be fine with it.

Oriunda · 01/08/2014 07:53

We had one couple cancel the day before our wedding due to work commitment (they were from overseas) plus another who just didn't turn up. I wasn't really fussed other than having to run around scribbling out names on the seating plan. We only had to confirm numbers a week before.

You have a very good reason for not going. Can only guess that bride has had several canx hence her fb post. My DH is not English and in his culture no way would someone be invited without partner and children.

Familyguyfan · 01/08/2014 08:09

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who didn't understand how important this appointment is to you and your family. Cancellations happen with weddings, rubbish but true. I wouldn't do anymore than you already have. Best of luck with the appointment!

MyFairyKing · 01/08/2014 08:17

Of course YANBU but I think you were wrong for sending the email. You should have found a way to phone her.

penguinplease · 01/08/2014 08:23

Don't send her another email, call her and talk about it. Yes she might be pissed off but really she'll get over it and I do think a phone call is better. It will also stop the slightly passive aggressive fb comments bothering you if you know you've done the best you can in the circumstances.

I'm sorry but email/letter is cowardly

Only1scoop · 01/08/2014 08:29

Shame you can't re make appointment especially with a private consultation....

I think your friend has been let down by a few people and is feeling pretty annoyed about it. How much notice did you give?

Anotheronesoon · 01/08/2014 08:32

I amazed this is even an issue for her. Kids come first end of. Of course you should go to appointment, and even if your husband was here, then you could go to the appointment together.
If I were you I might ring her to explain.
As for not inviting husband I just do t get it !?!?! I think not is quite rude!

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 01/08/2014 08:36

of course your son's diagnosis meeting comes first - as you say, they will ask a lot of historical information and behavioural details which only you will know - it's not something you can delegate. And it's not something that should be put off to wait another few months for another appointment - the sooner you can start learning how to help him, the better for him and for all of you as a family too.

Diagnosis can be a really tough time - save your energy for yourself and your son - she isn't really a friend if she can't see how important this is to you. I'm another fuddy duddy who thinks it's odd not to invite the partners too. If your DH wasn't invited, then I'd feel I wasn't that good a friend in any case. But regardless of that, family always comes first.

As others have said, send the present and apologise again in person/by phone (probably won't be until after the wedding now but by then she will hopefully have calmed down anyway).

Simplesusan · 01/08/2014 08:40

Go to the appointment.

Send a gift and a handwritten note explaining how sorry you are to have missed her wedding.

I actually agree with your dh,
If you can't afford to invite a couple( regardless of weather they are married or not), then invite them to the evening do only.

VSeth · 01/08/2014 08:41

I got a cancellation 2 days before by means of a cheerful Facebook. I was pretty annoyed given that they had my personal email, work email, mobile number and landline but chose FB, even adding that they would see the photos on fb. Maybe if you wanted an interaction about it you should have chosen another means of communication? Do you know that she has seen the email?

Your sons needs comes first but did you call to see if the date could be changed? Ideally for when your DH is home from trip?

cricketballs · 01/08/2014 08:42

Op, not about the wedding but about your appointment - check you can take DS. Our first appointment it was made clear not to take DS (our assessment was through NHS) as it was over an hour of gathering history, DS wasn't seen with us at all (cognative assessments done at school, ASD play assessments done without us in the room)

Jinglebells99 · 01/08/2014 08:42

I'm surprised that you can't rearrange the appointment given it's a private one. Is it that the specialist is only in the country for a short time? I agree that your son's medical appointment is more important but think I wouldn't cancel at such short notice. Could you not go to the ceremony and leave earlier if you need to travel. Surely that would be better than not going at all. Where will your ds be on the wedding day if your husband is away?

PinkSparklyElephant · 01/08/2014 08:44

I can't believe she's got a problem with this. One of my guests cancelled because he was getting a puppy - it didn't bother me at all and even if it had I wouldn't have dreamed of moaning on FB!

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 01/08/2014 08:48

cricketballs this one is private, not NHS

but with NHS it may also depend on age of DC/which area you live, as my DS came to everything (actually, the first fact-finding one they did in my home - one of

them was assessing my DS while another spoke to me).

I am guessing the DH was going to have looked after the DS, but then the appointment and work trip came up.

Picturesinthefirelight · 01/08/2014 08:54

Having had two children going through this process I would re-iterate that it is incredibly important that the parent who spends most time with a child attends the assessment. And preferably both parents - not always possible I know.

Yes you can do some stuff beforehand (filling in questionnaires etc) but there will be lots of things they will want to ask you about.

Good luck with it all. Your child comes first.

Picturesinthefirelight · 01/08/2014 08:55

You can wait up to three months for a private assessment. I thought it was better than the two years locally for NHS.

EarthWindFire · 01/08/2014 08:57

I think it was bad to email to cancel rather than call tbh.

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/08/2014 08:59

I can't see what the the bride is making a fuss about. She invited a few people to her hen night days away abroad (which they paid for themselves) and the OP says that she doesn't know her very well. Without disrespect to the OP who has extremely valid reasons for not going to the wedding, if the bride invited people she doesn't know very well, she must have been desperate for invitees is feeling a stretch about having anyone there at all!

BlinkAndMiss · 01/08/2014 08:59

YADNBU, you need to be there for your DS. Even if your DH and family were around to take him, you're his mum - if he needs you then you're there! If the bride doesn't understand this then she's not worth bothering with.

It's rude not to invite spouses, it does imply that you don't care about getting to know them but expect you to celebrate for them. All social etiquette goes out of the window when it comes to weddings.

I think you should have rang the bride to explain though, she's obviously had a few cancellations which she's annoyed about and might be grouping you in with them. Text her and ask if she's free for a chat, say you feel sad that you can't go and would like to talk to her about it. If she's still not forthcoming then there isn't much you can do, once she has children then she might understand more.

Picklepest · 01/08/2014 09:00

Don't send a pm. She's angry as her head is so far up her own ass right now she will not see your distress just her own issues.

I would send flowers to arrive on the morning or a bottle of champagne to drink whilst getting ready (if hotel) and she's a genuine friend (usually). And a note saying thinking of you today sorry cannot be with you.

Then wait. If she contacts you within 3 mths it will be ok. If not, well, one less Xmas card to post.

PicardyThird · 01/08/2014 09:02

The general veneration of weddings - not even of family or good friends of both of a couple, as in this case - as more important than all else bemuses me. Of course your appt about your son trumps everything else and I am surprised anyone would think otherwise. The FB bitching is simple bad manners.

LEMmingaround · 01/08/2014 09:04

She is being a bridezilla. Offerto pay for your"place" as she will lose out but otherwise she needs to get over herself. She is just getting married. She is not being made the queen. Your ds is far more important.

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