To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

[Figamol]

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

Yes agree those comments were rude ( and I had no interest in our seating plan other than functional). Everyone has something they expend time effort and money on that others would roll their eyes at.

Ignore those people saying you are rude to not go to the wedding. It is rude not to go at late notice if there is no good reason, you however do have a very good reason.

Even if your husband could take your child, of course you would still want to attend!

Ignore the silly cow, hopefully one day she will be faced with a similar dilemma and realise she behaved like an idiot!

You've done nothing wrong op, the appointment has to come first- they'll be loads of other people at the wedding. Don't feel guilty the bride has no reason to be cross with you even if she might be irritated inside!

I wouldn't send another apology now, or take a lack of communication too seriously, brides can be notoriously erm focussed on the run up to weddings. Send card and gift, then a Facebook note on the day of the wedding wishing them well and telling them how gutted you are to be missing out on their special day.

I hope the appointment goes okay tomorrow. FWIW, I didn't read the whole thread (7 pages!!!!) but from your initial post, i knew you were NOT being unreasonable and knew that you not going was to do with your son NOT with the lack of invite for your husband.
As it is, i was invited to a wedding 8 years ago to an old school friend's wedding. I was invited but not DP (now DH). The wedding was our anniversary, I was the only one without a partner invited (and besides the bride, the maid of honor and another guest) knew nobody else at all or hadn't seen anybody in 10 years. Besides, I rarely saw/spoke to the bride as it was and was probably a 'pity vote'. I sent an apology saying I couldn't go, a wedding card and present and heard/saw nothing of her (and maid of honor) since!
I was on a train the same time as her with my mum about 4 years ago and she knew it was me but couldn't look me in the face. In fact, SHE looked guilty. She was even served by my mum at a supermarket and she knew who she was and hastily left - never to be seen in the store again.
Even so, I do not feel any ill-will to her, just pity. I never dissolved our friendship, she did and I'm sure she knows she did over something quite petty

Hi Figamol, just wanted to check how the final assessment went. Hope you are doing OK.

Thank you for asking, my friend hasn't ;) They have decided he is on the autistic spectrum and will be put into an early intervention centre for 15 hours a week. He'll get his own personal clown (therapist/playmate) to try and engage him for 3 hours a day as well as continuing with his weekly speech therapy :) The team looking after him are amazing as even though this is the outcome non of them are labeling him as autistic, they're focussed on getting his symptoms treated so that he can start pre-school next year with any luck. He is a real sociable little chap and huggy and smiley, but whilst he remains happy to do his own thing in his own little bubble, he's not learning language and social skills as he should. We had to pull him out of creche this week as they clocked pretty quickly that he cannot participate in group activities.

Ok, well it's good that things are happening and that your DS will get some help preparing for pre-school. It's lovely to hear your DS is a sociable huggy smiley boy.

Your family comes first obviously. She's being immature and only thinking of herself, she's shown her true colors. I'd honestly write her off, you need supportive people right now.

Yanbu and your husband is spot on:who celebrates a marriage by not inviting their friends' spouses. Weird.

Sounds like they are going to give him some really great help - a one-to-one therapist 15 hours a week should make a really big difference to his communication skills. And as IloveTurnips says, it's lovely that he is huggy and smiley . Hope you're coping OK and all the best.

You have a long awaited appointment that cannot easily be rescheduled. It is an appointment which is important to you and your son, and may lead to much more important stuff too.

Your DH, who is the only other person who could go instead of you, is already busy at something which cannot be rearranged either.

You have, therefore, had to cancel the wedding invitation. It is just one of those things. It wasn't an intentional snub, not pre planned. But obviously your son is of a far higher importance and priority than a friend's wedding.

Your friend is being unreasonable. And incredibly immature and rude with her FB message. To be honest, I would be tempted to reply to her message and then defriend her - she clearly isn't a very good friend to behave in that manner.

Ooops, sorry - now read the thread proper and noticed the dates of OP adnd the follow ups.

Glad that the appointments have led to positive support.

Friend (ex friend?) sounds incredibly immature and rude, plus very ungrateful. Glad you decided to ditch!