To cancel going to a wedding for good reason

[Figamol]

Hi ladies,

I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a week ago which is due to take place in ten days. I feel terrible, I know full well that my place could have gone to someone else and they'll have to pay anyway.

But I wrote a good email explaining that I finally have an appt for my sons first autism (suspected) assessment the day after the wedding, and it means travelling, and so does her wedding, and I can't do both. It's a no brainer which is more important to me. She hasn't replied. (I would have loved to tell her in person but I'm on holiday)

My husband (who was not invited, like all the husbands of our mum circle) thinks its no big deal especially as he considered it really bad form to celebrate a marriage by splitting up a husband and wife for the day. He knows they don't know him v well but considers it a firm statement that they don't intend to either. Most of the husbands felt the same way.

That aside as its not the reason and I didn't overly see it as sensitively as others did, I genuinely feel my son comes first even though I have a massive guilt fest over it esp as I travelled to Sain for the hen do. Only now she is publicly Facebook moaning about the shitty people cancelling last minute and well her silence to my email speaks volumes. Obviously I'm not the only one....

I'm not sure how to handle it, my gut is to send her a private Facebook message reiterating how sorry I am, I never intended not to go, I spent a blimming fortune going to the hen do to celebrate and meet the other future girl guests. But my head is actually really offended at her lack of tact and understanding. Would you just leave it and accept that the friendship is seemingly damaged?

We had a friend's partner cancel in similar circumstances.

Our wedding was on a Saturday and they lived in Scotland. On the Monday the bf had an important immigration appointment regarding his right to stay in the country and decided not to travel down in case he had difficulty travelling back on Sunday on the train.

I totally understood. His appointment was more important to him than my wedding. He needed to have a stress free weekend to be in a good frame of mind.

Weddings typically have 50 people at them, you've got to be a right misery to lose your hump over one of them not making it. Enjoy the other 49+ people and expect last minute cancellations when you book it.

Yes yes picardy. I was struggling to find the word but veneration is spot on. The idea that the wedding of a loose friend should in any way be prioritised over something as critical and important as starting the process of an asd diagnosis is very bizarre to me. And I also find it odd that several people were invited without partners.

OP has explained that she emailed because she is on holiday. I think her friend is a complete arse and I would have replied straight away to say don't worry and hope it goes well. We really need to get a grip over this ridiculous attitude to weddings.

Can't you just go to the wedding and drive home that evening?

Family first.

If she wants to throw some bridezilla hissy fit rather that replying to your email and actually understanding how important this appointment is to you and your family then she's done you a favour. Don't give her anymore headspace. She's no friend.

I think you have a perfectly valid reason for cancelling, but I think you should follow up your email with a phone call. If I were the bride I'd appreciate the call, and accept the reason as a perfectly good one. Hope your appointment goes well.

She's sounds like someone who is either really stressed or is a bit of an idiot. Of course you should go to your appointment - surprised anyone would suggest otherwise.
Have you sent her a card yet? Maybe send that, again with your apologies.
I had 3 people cancel on the day ( and we were paying over fifty pounds a plate) but it didn't bother me at all - I just hoped they were ok and got on with enjoying the day.
It says a lot about her to put aggressive comments on facebook.

We had someone cancel the day before for a reason I never really followed.

It was no big deal - I just phoned up a school friend who was coming to he evening anyway (wedding was in my home town) and said "do you fancy a free meal - a family member has cancelled and the is a chocolate pudding going spare" and she said "yes please - yummy!"

Ok - we were poor students at the time so maybe a free meal is not such a big deal now......

Having your son assessed for something that could potentially affect his life forever trumps her 'big day'.

She's being shortsighted and a bit of a bride-to-be diva.

Just leave it, it can't be helped and she's hassled. Do the gift/card/telegram thing and then forget about it.
Hope the assessment goes well for you all.

I had a wedding over two days. We had an outdoor space which could only accommodate a small number of people so only had closest family and friends but not their partners. We explained to them why and also it was on a Friday so didn't want both have to take time off work.

We then had a blessing and a big party the next day for everyone including partners, other friends and extended family. Which included all the speeches and the meal and band.

I also spoke to a few of my old school friends and said I wanted them their but as we were short on numbers I had to choose between having all my girlfriends and not their husbands or partners or to choose between them. They were all fine with this and most said their partners weren't that into weddings anyway.

I actually had some cancelations so was able to extend invite to partners but most already had other plans or were fine to still come alone.

I think if you are up front and clear in explaining the reasons to people they will understand. At the end of the day it is that persons special day and they can do what ever they want really and if you are lucky enough to be special enough to be invited then you can choose if to go or not.

Re your situation. I can understand why although your husband could just take your son this is a big thing for your family and you would want to be there.

I am sure your friend understands and just has a lot on in the wedding run up and hasn't had a chance to look at FB or reply.

I would buy a phone card as call her though if it was me.

I hope your appointment goes well.

Yanbu. I thought cancellations were normal for weddings, we have had 7 last minute cancellations, people have lives that ultimately take priority over my wedding.

If you want to preserve the friendship I'd just act as if nothing has happened, send a lovely gift and card reiterating how sorry you were to miss the day and just contact her as you normally would.

"Attitude of veneration":
"I think if you are up front and clear in explaining the reasons to people they will understand. At the end of the day it is that persons special day and they can do what ever they want really and if you are lucky enough to be special enough to be invited then you can choose if to go or not."

Couldn't have put it better myself, straight from the horse's mouth too.

I once had to pull out of a wedding at fairly late notice. These things happen and in your case, your husband isn't able to help out (in which case, he also has a cheek complaining about not being invited because he wouldn't have been able to go anyway).

BUT I rang and explained. I certainly wouldn't have done it by email. I also made a point of offering to pay for my place if they weren't able to get someone else to take it at such a late stage. They weren't able to, so I insisted on paying for it. Weddings cost a fortune and I don't think it right that they should pay for people who cancel for anything other than illness.

I totally agree with you and I would understand you reasons for cancelling. Fgs people thing the world stops on their wedding day. No it doesn't. Life goes on.

I like your husbands thought train too.

Don't fret about it OP. Your child's autism assessment is more important (to you) than someone else's wedding.

Your friend is behaving like a passive aggressive arse on Facebook. That's what everyone who sees it will be thinking.

Incidentally, I utterly loathe all the 'if you are special enough to be invited stuff'. 'Special enough' indeed. .

Yes it is short notice but really I can not imagine anyone not being able to understand how you are feeling

of course this is more important to you a good friend would understand that ignore her for now you have other more important things to concern yourself with

hopefully in time when she is less self absorbed with her special day she will understand

Should her dh cancel his work trip?

Calamitously indeed, I was being tongue in cheek. Can't remember anyone, ever, ever saying/thinking anything like that back in my day! It was more about making sure someone was on hand to make sure Great Aunt Doris could get from the car park up the hill to the church with her zimmerframe - I'd never met her, but she was Family, and that was what mattered. By all accounts she was a bit of a cow rather particilar, if that counts as "Special" though

So I tried to call and she didn't answer, so I sent her a cheery message apologising again and that I do hope she understands. This particular doctor will be off on maternity leave from end of September so time is of the essence for us. I've also asked for her acc details for me to pop some money in to cover costs as I appreciate it's not cool to be left out of pocket for my families medical issues. Told her Id be thinking of her.

Just to be clear, hubby wasn't bitching about not going, he was just trying to ease my guilt and suggest that she is probably never going to be a close family friend anyway. Which I agree with, we do have family friends and male/female friends we see separately without partners. Hubby is a total star and is gutted he's away for the appt. He'll still be looking after the kids on the day of the wedding whilst I travel to the appt and stay in hotel overnight ready. He goes on his trip the next morning. There's nothing he could have done differently.

I guess she'll end up being one off the list, I understand bridezillas, I do, but she has a child herself, and moaning on Facebook that she obviously chose the wrong people to invite is just too bad form for me. I'll send a card and gift voucher for somewhere to cover my head cost and leave it at that.

I do love this forum though, thanks so much for taking the time to give input x

Have you asked for a later date before she goes on maternity leave? There are a lot of specialists in the field anyway.

And thank you for the advice regarding Ds appt. I am pretty stressed about the whole situation and well it's something I need to do ASAP for my own sanity and to plan his little lovely life for the next 12 months. It affects where he will go to nursery and school the sept after so getting him help now is just so important. Especially more important than a non family or best friend wedding. I once had to leave my little girl in hospital while I went to my best friends wedding and well, I'll never do that to our family again even though I don't regret going at all, it was a just a good lesson on who and where ones energies should go in life x

Ps, yes, trying to reschedule was the first thing I did. Where I live (abroad) is v v behind in latest therapies etc but there is this one lady from the UK who is just renowned and everybody wants to see her. I'm v v lucky to have her say yes.

I don't imagine she will have to pay for people she knew weren't coming. Numbers aren't normally finalised completely until a few days before.

I can totally understand why you would want to go to your DS's appt. I know I would. I don't care how little will be done in it.

ChoosandChips: you might have been taking the piss, but the (utterly ridiculous) sentiment crops up with alarming regularity (and those who express it are serious).

I think it's really unfair to call the lady in question 'bridezilla'. Cancelling last minute for genuine reasons is one of those things but to email it is really out of order. I'd not be pissed off if people cancelled on me but if a so-called friend couldn't even find a way to pick up the phone, I'd be pretty damn angry too!