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AIBU?

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

246 replies

Eastie77 · 31/07/2014 15:01

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 31/07/2014 23:19

I am just glad that I have never needed or hopefully will never need to choose how to tell people my child is dying.

My heart goes out to those parent who have had the endless heartache of losing their much loved children

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 23:21

Stfu about your dead kids

I don't think anyone said that DeVere.

I just don't think anger directed at the OP is any more productive than the pain that causes it IYSWIM.

I'm questioning MNHQ's call on both counts, that's all.

It is not necessary to point out the obvious about the pain of bereaved parents, I hope.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 23:22

Yeah they might "rock up" like it's a party

I was trying to convey unsuspecting.

Deverethemuzzler · 31/07/2014 23:26

Patronising, much?

Twunk · 31/07/2014 23:29

When you're in a hole, stop digging.

The OP apologised but it seems you're incapable Arsenic.

If you have an issue with MNHQ's decision perhaps direct your comments to them, or report TFT.

Deverethemuzzler · 31/07/2014 23:32

hmc don't see why not.
The op is obviously voicing what plenty of others think.
Posters are telling her and those who agree with her the other side of the story.

If it gets deleted, we get deleted.
For what?
To save the op from the embarrassment of being addressed by bereaved parents?

I haven't seen any 'put the boot in'

Deleting posts about our experiences of losing our children is disrespectful and dismissive.

The op asked. We answered.

I can't see the problem.

If there are PAs surely they will be deleted?

Thomyorke · 31/07/2014 23:32

You cannot compare the OP getting a hard time against that of grieving parents. Hopefully the OP will dust herself down, know she probably posted too quickly whilst still in shock whereas there is no pain stronger than the death of a child and the raw emotions that do not fade. This was hard reading without the loss of a child I could not imagine what it was like for someone who has.

QuintessentiallyQS · 31/07/2014 23:33

Flowers so many sad losses.

When my friend died back in October, her husband ensured that all close friends and family were told before FB was updated. Nobody posted on her wall so as not to give a surprise to family before they had been told in person.

When he updated her FB to say he was sorry to announce his wife had passed this morning and he would update with funeral information later, the messages and memories started pouring in from friends and family. It was nice and cathartic to read. He thanked everybody a few days later, and announced her page would be closed, as her children found her feed more upsetting than helpful, as they realized many of us had known their mum longer than they had.

People need to do it the way they find best and easiest for them, when their world is ripped apart. My friends husband had to consider his 3 children first and foremost, as he would be handling their grief before his own.

Death is never easy.

allisgood1 · 31/07/2014 23:34

Wow. This thread is still here? Haven't read it through and can't be asked really. Just ShockShockShock at mumsnet right now for not deleting this!

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 23:34

Not at all DeVere

That OP does not read like there was the slightest intent to offend. A bit unpolished and shocked and 'thinking out loud' maybe. Probably ill-advised. But she doesn't sound like an arse she sounds like an intelligent and sensitive woman, if a bit hasty.

Nobody understands what they would do in that situation unless they have had the unimaginably shitty luck to know first hand. We don't have the first crumb of a clue.

So she fucked up. And she said sorry. Very humbly.

And admittedly I am mainly posting about easing off her a bit and disagreeing with MNHQ's decision. But that's because I think there are more than enough people posting very well making the other points that need making.

And I am worried that one day something unpleasant will result from one of these threads.

I think the OP gets it. And I think she feels really really really bad.

EthicalPickle · 31/07/2014 23:38

Fairplay OP, that was a really heartfelt apology. Thanks Smile

I agree with others. Hide the thread, name change and chalk it up to experience.

Choochootrain1 · 31/07/2014 23:42

I'm with arsenic on this. OP fucked up, and later apologises and clearly feels awful having taken on board the replies and realised how much offence and pain it caused/is causing.

She cant retract it - MNHQ can

The thread should be pulled - nobody seems to be benefiting anymore. It helped educate the OP pretty quickly, and hopefully some others but now just seems to be causing even more pain - for all.

hmc · 31/07/2014 23:44

Ok - thanks Devere. I understand that point - why indeed should the experiences of bereaved parents be deleted

Deverethemuzzler · 31/07/2014 23:46

I have read the op.
I have read the apology.
I have read the posts agreeing with the op.
I have read the post disagreeing angrily with the op.
I have read the flurry of posts defending the op and condemning the angry posts.
I have read the posts from the bereaved parents and those with seriously ill children
I have seen those posts go largely unnoticed.

I think that says a lot. I think it relates to the sentiments expressed in the op.

I am sure the op will be fine.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 23:49

I think that says a lot. I think it relates to the sentiments expressed in the op.

I hope not.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 31/07/2014 23:53

Thanks so many sad losses

This ^^

So sad for the children and all the families xx

Deverethemuzzler · 31/07/2014 23:54

My experience says otherwise.
Behave in the way you are expected to behave.
If you don't, expect judgment.

There is a time and a place to talk about your children. Don't expect you, as the bereaved parent, will be the one to chose that time or place.

ICanSeeTheSun · 31/07/2014 23:54

I bet the op is regretting ever starting this thread, but I don't think it was posted in malice or to be goady.

She made a mistake which have made other people relive a very raw and painful memory.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 31/07/2014 23:56

MrsD there will be countless readers (like me) crying as reading the posts from bereaved parents. Please don't feel we are being heartless xx

HavanaSlife · 31/07/2014 23:58

Agree totally with devere, especially the last post. It is so true even in rl

MerryInthechelseahotel · 31/07/2014 23:58

Or please don't feel your posts are going un noticed

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 31/07/2014 23:58

I am a prolific facebook user but despite that I have never posted there (or anywhere apart from mumsnet) about my four unsuccessful pregancies. 3 MCs and a stillbirth. That's my call. I don't care what other people post, except for passive aggressive secret post crap.

I don't know what it's like to lose a living child, but I do know this. After the sort of bereavement I have had you live your own nightmare, every day. You are in prison. People act as if you are contagious. I have been at parties where people leave the room to avoid talking to me. Words which acknowledge your situation open the door.

ArsenicFaceCream · 01/08/2014 00:01

Well a lot of people have had their easy (subconscious) assumptions challenged by this thread DeVere. Including me. So that's a good thing.

Genuine arses you will never get rid of, mores the pity. I honestly don't think the OP is one of them.

I am very sorry you and so many others have been upset Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/08/2014 00:01

Agree with Arsenic. People are putting the boot in and she has apologised. The same posters come to threads to read them - as is their right - and the threads upset them.

When I lost my son nothing would have induced me to come to thread like this, it would have been too painful and I would have gained absolutely nothing from it. My choice. It's the choice of others to post on this thread knowing what it is.

Knowing that MNHQ has seen the thread - and commented - and the OP wasn't doing anything wrong, why not leave it now or report it again if it should go but leave the OP alone now.

SallyMcgally · 01/08/2014 00:03

Thanks from another one crying at the posts from bereaved parents. And I'm so so sorry for the times when you should feel supported in talking about your beautiful children and you have been failed. I hope that at least this thread might make people more sensitive xx