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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

246 replies

Eastie77 · 31/07/2014 15:01

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

OP posts:
SqueakySqueak · 31/07/2014 19:38

Yes, when your child is dying you need to consider everyone else's feelings before your own and grieve in a way they feel is appropriate.

Grow the fuck up.

Their child is dying and the only thing you care about is the fact that you didn't find out in the way you deemed acceptable?

Did it occur to you that perhaps they didn't want to have to deal with the same heartbreaking conversation over and over? Having to announce shitty news isn't fun, having to do it over and over is even less so.

Maybe for their sake you should hide them and stop notifications. They don't need people judging them right now.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 19:42

The OP is getting way too much of a kicking for this, considering there is clearly no malice in her post.

I'd be a bit winded if I saw something like that as a status update (I have never seen anything even half that serious) although I have now taken onboard everyone's points and am sure OP has too.

Hope you are ok OP Flowers

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 19:42

Bambio Flowers

hackmum · 31/07/2014 19:43

So many people on here parading what they see as their moral superiority - by posting nasty and spiteful comments about the OP. And they can't even see the contradiction.

Glad there are a few of us who can see that the OP is being kind and well-intentioned.

AyMamita · 31/07/2014 19:44

I do find this sort of thing slightly "jarring" on facebook, so I understand what you mean, but if it that's the easiest thing for the family then so be it. I also find it EXTREMELY jarring when peope "like" bad/tragic posts, although I know they are just trying to show support; FB should introduce some sort of "sympathy" button!

mommy2ash · 31/07/2014 19:46

I never get why people care what others do on their own Facebook page but thing is just something else. ffs their child is dying I wouldn't care if they ran around naked shaved their heads and lived in a tree there is no right way in any of this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2014 19:46

OP isn't a 'punchbag' for bereaved people, she's a person. Nothing wrong with having an opinion yourself but please stop attacking and insulting her for hers, Squeaky et al. You presumably don't speak for the parents so you're merely projecting your opinion which has no more basis than the OP's and you don't know what they need right now.

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 19:49

Hackmum

It is possible to criticise without being spiteful. I agree.

I think feeling run high when a pposter starts an apparent philosophical debate about something so emotional. That is as jarring to some of us as the things she is complaining about

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 19:57

OP isn't a 'punchbag' for bereaved people, she's a person. Nothing wrong with having an opinion yourself but please stop attacking and insulting her for hers, Squeaky et al. You presumably don't speak for the parents so you're merely projecting your opinion which has no more basis than the OP's and you don't know what they need right now.

THIS

morethanpotatoprints · 31/07/2014 20:00

This has to be the nastiest thread ever, and there have been a few.
The OP has no malice, but an opinion, the same as everybody else.

Wickeddevil · 31/07/2014 20:02

OP I am so sorry for this child and their parents. As many many posters have already explained, having to give bad news again and again and again and again and again is desperately painful, and the newsbreaker often has to comfort those they have given the news too, at a time when their own feelings are raw.

If you want to help your friend try to imagine how you would feel in their shoes; Could you really cope with phoning people and telling them face to face? Would you want people ringing you up for more details?

What you could do is to like their post. Yes really. It would show your solidarity and understanding.

What you shouldn't do IMHO is to phone them. Not yet.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 31/07/2014 20:03

This thread is a prime example if why AIBU is so hideous atm

reported

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 20:06

Not really the new kinder AIBU, that's for sure Hmm

phantomnamechanger · 31/07/2014 20:10

when DD3 was stillborn we sent out announcement cards rather like you would for a normal birth. it was a lot of work and very emotionally draining going through our whole Christmas card list and mailing them out. Our parents had relayed the message to close family, but we had many friends and acquaintances to contact. If FB had been around then, I'm pretty sure we would have used it to save ourselves some of the hurt. Once I was up to getting on with normal life, I had a couple of encounters in the supermarket with acquaintances who had not heard and started to ask "boy or girl/where's the baby/how you all doing" type of questions and I just had to pretty much blank them and say "please don't ask me any questions" and run off before I burst into tears Sad

that poor family, my heart goes out to them
ANYTHING that makes their life easier and less painful at the moment is a good thing

phantomnamechanger · 31/07/2014 20:13

and yes don't phone them. if you are close they will phone you when they feel able to, we did appreciate all the cards and letters we received though, which we could read and cry and deal with in our own time

patienceisvirtuous · 31/07/2014 20:22

Bloody hell. Totally agree with Lying on this one...

Hide the thread and forget it OP.

I'm sorry about your friends' devastating news.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/07/2014 20:22

Takemedown... AIBU isn't 'hideous', it never has been. Some of the posters on it are posting quite hideous things. Not everybody does that or, at least, not all the time.

It grates on me a bit to hear some posters relegate AIBU as some kind of bottom-feeders paradise. It isn't. There's no league table here but, if there were, AIBU would probably be heading it up as the most popular board. I often see posters here telling an OP to repost in 'relationships', when those same posters are on this board too. Nobody's an expert, anybody can be anything they present themselves as and everybody should take posts with a large pinch of salt.

I think perhaps everybody on every MN board could do with bearing in mind that people post for responses, for conversation, not punishment. I've reminded myself of that several times because it's very easy to start typing a heated response and sometimes taking a step back to re-read is no bad thing.

Apologies for the rant but if I hear one more time that AIBU-smells-of-poo-and-so-do-you, I'll be able to throw away my low blood pressure tablets.

MyPrettyToes · 31/07/2014 20:30

I, too, think the OP was wrong to start this thread but, like a couple of others have noted, there was no malice intended.

So much unnecessary vitriol and spite. It really is a horrible thread and I have reported it too.

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 20:33

I don't think the majority of this thread has been horrible. The OP chose to post her thoughts, and has received the thoughts of people who understand the situation of her friends in return.

I do not condone name calling or spite, but hopefully it will have made her understand a bit more.

I would not have posted it in her place, though I do undeerstand she was not malicious

Electriclaundryland · 31/07/2014 20:35

I can totally understand why the parents did this. Much easier than having to phone or send notes.

I understand your POV too OP. It could seem jarring juxtaposed with kitten memes and 'what colour is your aura?' quizzes. When Ds was recently ill and diagnosed with a chronic disease I kept it off Facebook. I know the severity and situation is different in our case.

Sallystyle · 31/07/2014 20:38

Horrible thread.

Obviously the OP is shocked and sad. She is exploring her feelings. She hasn't done anything wrong to her friend at all.

Some people here are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves, not the OP for questioning something when she is obviously shocked and sad.

Lots of projecting here.

ICanHearYou · 31/07/2014 20:40

Grobags :( Massive hug.

Hulababy · 31/07/2014 20:40

I suspect close family and friends have already been told, or knew of the child being ill. And this is to let everyone else know. Obviously family and close friends will still see this and will post a reply - they probably still sound surprised and shocked, not because they didn't know before the FB post but because it is still probably very new information.

It is incredibly sad news. And how they choose to tell people is completely up to them.

AppleAndMelon · 31/07/2014 20:41

FFS he's going to lose a child - do you not think he is in total shock? This post is in very, very bad taste.

Poor family.

CallMeExhausted · 31/07/2014 20:43

When we had to make end of life decisions for my little girl, I did use FB to bring those outside of the "inner circle" up to speed, after close family and friends were made aware in person/via phone.

Instead of judging how a family shares what is undoubtably heart breaking and life changing news, maybe offering support in whatever manner you might be able to would be more effective. I can tell you from personal experience, the parents are in hell already.