To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

[Eastie77]

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

I have been bereaved, and this week I find myself having to come to terms with the imminent deaths of two close family members. I think the OP was ill thought out. OP was told in no uncertain terms. OP apologised. Nonetheless, I feel this thread will continue to cause distress if it remains.

I certainly am not telling anyone to:
Stfu about your dead kids

I know my posts don't go unnoticed and I know you are not heartless.
I talk about DD so much and I know that MNers remember her and many know our story because I will shout and shout about it. I am greatful for this space to do so.
But there are legion bereaved parents here that only occasionally whisper about their beloved children and they often DO get brushed over on threads like this.
What they have said on here is SO important and SO relevant.
How they are feeling tonight is just as important as how the op is feeling.
I wish her no ill but bruised as she may feel now she will feel better tomorrow or the next day.

The parents who have taken the time to share, used this thread as an opportunity to talk about their children....their lives will not go back to ormal once the dust fro this thread has settled.

I wish I'd had FB when my DM died, to keep having to update friends that I didn't speak to reguarly was just awful. When DF died we told people who needed to know directly then I posted a pic of my dad a few days later so others not so close knew. It's the simplest way of getting the message out there without having to phone people you usually only see once in a blue moon. Please don't judge without being in their shoes, what a sad situation they are in.

I just wanted to add that I am profoundly moved by the posters who have shared their own stories and I wish there was something I could say that would reflect just how much I feel for them. Unfortunately, the nature of this thread has brought out those stories in a context which isn't primarily focussed on support and empathy, but I wanted to reassure anyone who feels as though they have shared their sorrow into a vacuum that my heart has been battered by reading what you have been through and knowing that the emotions I have experienced reading them are infinitely minuscule compared to your hurt is just mind blowing.

I am determined to take a least one positive from this and promise to myself that I will take the lessons I have learned here with me in real life, and do whatever I can for anyone I encounter who might be going through something similar.

I just wanted to add that I am profoundly moved by the posters who have shared their own stories and I wish there was something I could say that would reflect just how much I feel for them. Unfortunately, the nature of this thread has brought out those stories in a context which isn't primarily focussed on support and empathy, but I wanted to reassure anyone who feels as though they have shared their sorrow into a vacuum that my heart has been battered by reading what you have been through and knowing that the emotions I have experienced reading them are infinitely minuscule compared to your hurt is just mind blowing.

Yes, this. Beautifully expressed DoJo

Can I just say that most people I expect have not ignored the experiences of bereaved parents.

They've been moved, they've imagined something they never will be able to truly appreciate, they've shed tears

and then kept quiet. Simply because they don't know how they could/should say anything that could be helpful to such a tragic loss. But they've wished they could, and wished they knew how. And then they've reminded themselves, that it's just not about them.

I'm so sorry to all that have been bereaved

I should have refreshed before posting as Dojo said it beautifully. please ignore my post.

I'm sure you're right, Choochoo. Fb is one way - perhaps not the best way, but a way that's open (practically and emotionally) to people like me - to share stuff that other people may not often have to think about and may find hard.

Life isn't all sunshine and kittens, and it's okay for people to be reminded of that. Even on fb. Sorry if my fb posts spoil people's day and all that, but I like to think they also help people 'get it' a bit. Friends have told me that they find it easier to talk to us about DD, and to understand our family's experience, as a result of our (mine and DH's) posts.

I used FB to let everyone that I know on there that I'd become seriously ill and was now disabled,because it is so bloody difficult having to tell everyone individually!

Plus it saved me having to see they're faces when I told them and I didn't have to console them when they got upset or started crying which happened a lot.

It's them that's going through it,you can't possibly begin to imagine how hard it must be for them,if telling people on FB feels easier for them(which I'm sure it does)then that's all that matters.

When I had cancer, I put updates on my fb page for everyone to see so I wasn't phoned fifty times with the same questions. If god forbid I was suffering their loss, I'd probably do what they were doing- I'm sure it's hit them in the face like a car, maybe they just want to enjoy the remaining precious time they have left.

So no, don't judge them for it.

Not sure re posting on fb but it could be how the family is coping. Everyone is different. I wouldn't judge. When dm had cancer (and I there everyday through operations etc) I phoned my aunt daily who contacted the rest of the family. She ok now but I still remember that time. It's exhursting phoning everyone up. Maybe fb in that case might help. Hugs to the family xx

I'm so sorry to all of you who have shared your personal stories of bereavement. I think it is very kind and also incredibly useful to understand the different reactions to grief and know that any reaction is ok and normal and should never be judged. I think the OP has learnt that and that is a positive outcome to what she now knows was a misguided thread and an unpleasant initial reaction.

So much sadness and loss on this thread. I am humbled by so many of you choosing to share your own stories of bereavement in the cause of greater understanding of a grief that I hope no one else ever has to experience.

Facebook is just another means of communication these days. People use it differently. There is no right or wrong way.

First of all my thoughts are with all those who have been brave enough to share their stories of loss.

I wish when we had been facing this that FB had been available. I had to tell everyone. Everyone I met for months. My child survived. But they might not have. And the meeting people and them asking and telling was like rubbing salt in the wound every single time. And I always felt I had to be brave and not be upset in front of them.

Not for close family and my dearest friends would I have used FB, but for acquaintances, yes I would.

It would have made my life easier. And surely that's all that any of us would wish for anyone facing this kind of truly horrific event? That we make their life easier in some small way? Whether we would or wouldn't do it isn't what matters - it's what makes the family's life easier that's important?

I think the thread should stay.

Very decent of you to apologise OP.

I was really shocked to wake up to"RIP x" over and over again one day. But how else would I have known? She was an old school friend and we had few mutual chums.

Another friend posted that she was terminally ill. My second thought was " how brave ti just put it out there"

I shared news of my son's cot death on Facebook, because I didn't want to have to tell everyone in person and I wanted everyone to know so there weren't awful questions asking how he was etc. I ended up printing the post and the messages on it out some time afterwards to remind myself about how lucky I was to have such wonderful support from people.
Not one of them, and no-one since, has been "shocked" that I used Facebook to communicate something when my heart was utterly destroyed and I could barely breathe with the grief. My life fell apart that day - I couldn't cope, and I needed to not be expected to for a while. I am glad that I don't have friends that would think only of how my news affected them, especially those that were so "shocked" that they felt the need to comment on an online forum for parents, many of which have lost children or faced devastating news about terminal illness themselves.

I'm thinking of your friend and his family.

OP - I've RTFT and I'm sorry for my comments aimed at you. Thank you for apologising. x

dancing I felt like you after 3mcs and I am in a way glad this thread is staying up. My experience was that nobody, but nobody wants to know about your bereavement and for me it ended up poisoning much of my interaction with friends. Oh did your boss say something dismissive to you in a meeting? Yeah, well my child just died before I could meet her. That sort of thing. I'm glad for.discussion of bereavement on somewhere as public as AIBU (realise not everyone will feel the same of course.)

Regarding the original.post and subsequent fallout, I think the "hurt out, comfort in" model is useful. You offer support to the people closer to the tragedy, and you get support from.the people further away. As a friend of the family, the OP doesn't get to share her hurt with them, and should stay quiet if she is discomfited by the FB post and try to respond to the family in a way that will help (and there is a lot of good advice on here about how to do that). But she should be able to.vent outwards to people who are not affected by this news - us, for example - and get some sympathy.