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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

246 replies

Eastie77 · 31/07/2014 15:01

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 31/07/2014 20:47

She isn't judging, she is shocked and exploring her feelings.

Can some people not read between the lines?

She has just found out her friends child is dying and it shocked her to find out in such an impersonal way.

She wanted to talk about it. You can hear her shock in her posts and plenty of people don't like hearing news like this on FB and that is perfectly acceptable.

I am sure she knows by now the reasons why her friend did it this way.

She wanted to understand and I am sure she now does.

The kicking her wasn't needed.

cricketpitch · 31/07/2014 20:57

Excellent post U2 - that's how I understood it.

MyFairyKing · 31/07/2014 20:57

The OP's had a lot of people disagreeing with her but bar one or two below the belt comments, it has been restrained. She criticised the way a parent of a dying child is sharing their news, what did she expect?! It's in the OP; how she's more worried about how people will receive the news rather than worrying about the poor parents or their terminally ill child. I find this way of thinking really odd.

elliejjtiny · 31/07/2014 20:59

My DS4 has some severe health issues (although not terminal thank goodness). He's had some planned operations and I always announce the dates on facebook after telling immediate family. Before his first operation people kept asking if we knew when it was going to be when I was trying not to think about it. Also I have to be in the right frame of mind to listen to peoples comments (some people can be quite insensitive). With facebook I can read comments when I feel ready and also copy and paste the nice comments for DS4 to read when he is older. I expect these people are using facebook for similar reasons.

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/07/2014 20:59

I don't have a Facebook account. I couldn't imagine posting something like this on Facebook. If I were in this situation those really close who need to know would know as I would tell them in person or by phone or e-mail.

Obviously up to the family concerned but it seems very strange to me.

MyFairyKing · 31/07/2014 20:59

"Exploring her feelings."

Well, sometimes there's a time and a place. This is a parenting site, it is quite obvious that there will be bereaved parents on here.

Honestly, I never fail to be surprised at how concerned some people are with their own feelings, responses and emotions. It's not always about you.

cricketpitch · 31/07/2014 20:59

Callmeexhausted = Thanks

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 21:00

U2

There is only one post from the OP.

Hulababy · 31/07/2014 21:10

Please do not call your friend.

Either reply to the FB message (as this is obviously the way the parents want to do this) or send a PM, text or email. Let them know you are there for them and they can call you at any time. But don't phone them - they may not want to speak to you just yet.

Icimoi · 31/07/2014 21:12

All the people desperate to pile in and be as self-righteous and aggressive as you possibly can to OP: can I suggest you go and read the new MN guidelines on AIBU?

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 21:13

Agree MyFairyKing

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 21:16

Self righteous for expressing an opinion? Hmm

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 21:16

I was trying to find them to link them Ici. Could you do it?

MNHQ
EllenMumsnet · 31/07/2014 21:23

Evening all. First of all, thanks to all who've contributed, many posts are extremely personal and moving, and Flowers Flowers to all who have written of their losses.

We had a few requests to pull this thread, but on balance, there seems to be some really thoughtful advice and we'd hate to delete all of that.

Some posters were concerned that the family in the OP might identify themselves on this thread, and that would be a good reason to delete it. However, we don't think there is any identifying info in that first post, so will leave as is.

Hope that makes sense to all.

Stickerrocks · 31/07/2014 21:33

I can completely understand why the family would wish to tell their Facebook contacts this news in this way, but I also completely understand why the OP finds the "likes" to this news distasteful. Surely it's more empathetic for these "friends" to express their sympathy with a comment than by "liking" such sad news. Perhaps they need to understand what "like" actually means.

zazzie · 31/07/2014 21:42

My first child was stillborn and my reading of the OP was that I should have been thinking of how people were told and that there was a right way of doing it. At the time all I could do was survive from minute to minute and I don't have a clue how people were told. This happened years ago but this thread makes it raw.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/07/2014 22:04

On balance I think the OP is perhaps still getting to grips with her shock as seeing the FB post. It would also be wrong to assume she went from there to straight away post on here. Sometimes our reactions or judgement can be affected when trying to grapple with difficult or upsetting news. The OP has had a good shoeing on here by some posters which I think has been pretty unfair and downright nasty in some cases. IMO she wasn't setting out to be deliberately judgemental or malicious. FB serves a need and people use it as they see fit. We might not always understand but as has been explained so eloquently by some posters it makes sense. Having seen a couple of quite upsetting statuses myself in the past and felt that same sense of shock I can see why the OP may have responded in the way she did due to her bewilderment.

Twunk · 31/07/2014 22:16

I think, as evidenced by personal testimony on here, criticizing a parent who is going through hell (maliciously or not) seems to me a bit off. Many here have had to spread some very upsetting news about our DC and have used various mediums including Facebook.

Understandably many feel personally attacked. I used the same medium to communicate news of my seriously ill child, and would be extremely upset that someone's main thought was "couldn't they have told me differently?"

Any parent going through this hell needs to be completely supported, and my first thought would be "what can I do to help them?"

Original poster
Eastie77 · 31/07/2014 22:22

My sincere apologies to anyone on this thread offended by my post. It was not my intention to cause any upset. My post was meant to highlight my bewilderment at learning some tragic news via Facebook and was written in haste.

I completely accept that my post was insensitive and should not have been written. I am devastated to learn that people who have suffered tragic losses have been left upset by my comments. I have asked for the thread to be deleted but it seems Mumsnet HQ do not think this is necessary.

I am the mother of a toddler and I cannot imagine a greater loss than the death of a child so once again my utmost apologies to anyone offended by my post.

I will be leaving MN and will lurk from afar as I have now learnt my lesson and and think it best if I step away. I have had some wonderful advice over the past 18 months from other parents but will certainly never post on here again.

I have a feeling that my post had provoked so much ire that even this apology will cause offence but I can only say sorry once again.

E77

OP posts:
hmc · 31/07/2014 22:24

There really is no need not to post again E77 - just perhaps take a break?

Most of us have been mauled on mumsnet at one point or another....

PhaedraIsMyName · 31/07/2014 22:26

I can understand how you reacted. I find it terribly strange to announce something like that on Facebook. For me, those who need to know , would know and if anyone wasn't close enough to be told by a conventional method , then there would be no need to tell them.

Sallystyle · 31/07/2014 22:27

Don't keep away.

Or just name change :)

You have done nothing wrong.

ginslinger · 31/07/2014 22:28

E77 - i'm sorry you feel you need to go. It's nit necessary, just have a quiet weekend and hide this thread. You have done nothing wrong

nocoolnamesleft · 31/07/2014 22:28

I don't really like facebook. But making life even a tiny bit less unbearable for parents going through the loss of a child? You know, to me that feels like a much better use for FB than kittens, and cartoons, and political postings. But...if you're only used to using FB for those, then I can see how this might seem odd, and take some getting your head round.

Please, OP. Don't presume that we all think you're being nasty (I think you just weren't thinking, which is rather different). But do take your lead from these poor parents. Don't ring them up. But write them a message. It doesn't matter that it will sound trite. In the face of the impending death of a child, everything sounds trite. But write how sorry you are, and that you are thinking of them. That if there is anything you can do, please say so. And that if at any point they feel they need to talk, you are always ready to listen.

Flipflops7 · 31/07/2014 22:30

OP, YANBU, it really seems social media are put to such unforeseen and unforeseeable uses.

Only a decade ago this would have seemed utterly bizarre, as family and then friends (real friends not FB acquaintances) would have been told, privately and separately. The 'like' button makes it seem even odder.

I think some of your critics are being ott.

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