To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

[Eastie77]

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

Lying- I a would actually say that the parents' views are most important in this individual situation and the OP should not be judging them on how they do this.

It's kind of mind-numbing to be told your child is going to die before their time and it's difficult to put together a coherent thought for a while. Maybe they just wanted to get it "out there" so they could concentrate on worrying about the important stuff rather than letting people know. Feel for them.

I don't really know how facebook works but I woud imagine that a lot of people may not see that update. I don't think there's anything wrong with using it for sending info outif it works for you but I think people need to be aware that not everyone uses it.

magpie... and if the parents post here then I'm sure they'll get the support that they want. OP can post, she's not doing anything wrong in that. I see many posts where the subject being discussed is probably something that shouldn't be but the subject of death seems to polarise some people into attack mode and that's not fair.

Social media might to be everyone's cup of tea but it's none of your business how people choose to use it.. My late daughter was disabled & myself & many in the online special needs community choose to inform of ups & downs in their children's health on FB as well as sn forums & sadly to announce a child has died too...
Although my daughter has died I have many friends with sn children & am still interested in how they are doing so FB is an easy way of keeping in touch.

Try not to judge OP.

If my husband and I were on Facebook when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, it would have made telling people much easier. After telling family and close friends I would have used Facebook to tell everyone else. For weeks I had to cope with bumping into people who would ask after him and I'd have to tell them the news while trying not to collapse with the emotional pain and looking at the shock and pain on their faces. It would have also have saved them the embarrassment of feeling like they'd put their foot in it.

Eastie I think you've had an incredibly unfair response here. I don't see where you've been judgemental or selfish and fwiw, I too would find it a strange way to communicate news but I'm not a big FB fan.

I do get what (the more reasonable) posters are saying about why you would do this and why they did in similar situations. It makes a lot of sense and hopefully might help you make better sense of such awful news. It's clear people use social media in different ways and that's fine. No one should be criticised either way.

The haters are out in force today, aren't they? All rushing to judge the OP.

Perhaps the OP was considering the right of the child to privacy. Not everyone would want their terminal illness broadcast on on Facebook.

There are other good reasons for not making that kind of announcement on FB. FB friends tend to be a mix of relatives, real life friends, work colleagues and people you barely know. Most of us - I think - would want to tell those closest to us first rather than put out a message telling everyone. And you would want people to be in the right frame of mind when they hear the news: to hear it, say, via a private phone call rather than when you're scrolling down through pictures of kittens and links to Buzzfeed quizzes. Facebook is largely a platform for the trivial and the inane, which I think is what the OP is getting at.

My 18 year old son died from cancer. Close family and close friends were told immediately. A FB announcement was made that afternoon. My son had his own friends, his father his own friends and I have my own circle if friends there was no way that we could have rung around and spoken to everyone. It was the only way we could let people know. I have a few friends who live far away and do not have FB. 5 months after the death of my son I still have not been able to ring or write to those friends as the words get stuck.

Please have some compassion for your friend. Having to watch your child die is beyond any horror that you could possibly imagine.

There's no good way to break news like that. And at least this way they save themselves the pain if having to break it to everyone individually.

5 months after the death of my son I still have not been able to ring or write to those friends as the words get stuck.

That's exactly it Minmooch. I'm so dreadfully sorry about your son.

I think SlicedAndDiced had it on the second page. What if the family see your thread, OP? I imagine that would strike rather a sour note with them.

How they decide to communicate this sad news is up to them, you sound very judgemental.

The OP says she understands that people use social media in different ways. She isn't being hateful, she is expressing her own sadness and upset about his situation and asking for other views about the way of announcing it and wondering how she should best show her support, (phone call?).

Other people have explained why the FB post might have been chosen. No need to start a character assassination on the OP. She clearly cares about her friend, (and friend's sister)

I am not a FB user although I have an account. I have used the "tell one friend and cascade the news" method as it is more personal and you know who has been told and who hasn't and because it allows people to support each other at the moment of finding out.

Personally I would hate to hear news like this while checking my FB page in the five minutes between meetings at work for example.

It is a valid conversation and I think was prompted by distress and uncertainty. Remember the OP said there was no context given. If I heard bad news I would naturally want to ask all the questions that are normal, (how are they coping? Is there anything I can do? Is he in hospital etc, etc). That is difficult to do in these circs

Thank you thornrose.... just what I was thinking.

My DS2 died last summer in a tragic and needless accident. After we'd told our closest family I chose to announce it on FB as a way of telling as many people as soon as possible so that the truth about how he'd died was known. He had spent the evening with friends and the speculation would have been horrid. I received countless comments and "likes" which I took to mean that people were sympathising with our situation and not, of course, that they liked the fact that our DS was dead. I wanted to let as many people as possible know as quickly as possible and I also posted it on his page to let his friends know too. I certainly didn't have the emotional energy to spare on ringing round.

These days there isn't the time to place an announcement in the papers and also most people don't read them anyway. I put details of his funeral on FB too so that these details were available to as many people as possible.

There's nothing wrong with choosing this 21st century medium for imparting news. It saves time and the emotional effort that endless phone calls would make.

crikepitch

If I heard bad news I would naturally want to ask all the questions that are normal, (how are they coping? Is there anything I can do? Is he in hospital etc, etc). That is difficult to do in these circs

But the point is, it isn't about what you want! The person who is suffering the deepest loss may not be up to answering those questions at that time and will simply want to be with those closest to them. If you've been informed in that way then it should be assumed that you are not, as far as the person posting the status, a close family member or friend. Certainly post on the Facebook your feelings and when they are ready they would get back to you, otherwise you risk upsetting them further.

Why do some see Facebook as a valid option to announce happy news (the birth of a baby, an engagement) but not sad?

I'm so sorry for all those on here for there losses and hope that some day you get some peace.

I'm leaving this thread now as it's too upsetting.

So true stay with me. With something like this you want to let people know but it doesn't necessarily meant you want to hear from everyone and have to speak to them.

in the last year I've had a miscarriage and discovered that my subsequent child would have Downs Syndrome. Interner chat, fb and the like are a very good way of putting things out there, telling people outside your inner circle about what's going on.
Having to repeat yourself 347 times, listen to the same questions, platitudes, clichés and we'll meaning sympathy is soul destroying.
Being taken for weird/inappropriate is the last of your problems.
Putting it out there, normalising things, and having the buffer zone of cyber space for me was really important. There have been times when there was no way that I could talk to people face to face, but speaking online meant I could express my feelings without fear of hearing or seeing the pity in people's voices/faces.
I think in times of crisis, people do whatever they need to to get through. If that means posting on for, then that's fine. If you don't like it, quite frankly, don't read!

Hackmum

I think if the OP was thinking about the child's right to privacy, she'd have said that.

She talks about the "sour note" being the means of sending the message, not the message itself

And she makes assumptions about who the message is going to, and you are making assumptions about how the people in question use Facebook.

I am sure the OP is shocked by the news, but it's ironic that her first thought is to rush to the internet to broadcast her judgment, not the shock of the child's illness.

I just don't get why people get judgy about FB.

I don't use it anymore but it is not just a platform for inanity. For those of us with families spread across countries and even continents, it is a great way to keep in touch easily and cheaply.

My parents have talked about having to phone all the family back in the UK when my sister was diagnosed with a potentially terminal cancer as an infant. Having to wait till everyone over here was up and about, ringing, getting the surprised and pleased reaction at an international call.... Then having to say.....

I'm sure if FB had existed during the 80s they would have considered it.

Our little son died recently after being terminally ill for six months. We chose to tell most people when he was diagnosed by a mass email, simply because it would have been too much to bear to face telling everyone individually. I couldn't face having to deal with their reactions, shock and grief as well as my own and that of my partner. We told family and very close friends in person and that nearly broke me. I do appreciate that having the email appear in the inbox would have been a shock, but it was the kindest way for us. Basically I'm saying that I understand why they chose to use Facebook.

You mentioned calling, and, going solely by my own experience, please don't. I think the rule of thumb should be that you respond using the method that they used to tell you. By all means let them know that you are available to talk should they need it. One of my oldest friends called me after reading the email (a week after I'd sent it) and having to deal with her shock and horror directly on the phone was very painful. She made up for it by being a great friend during my son's illness, but I really didn't need that phone call at that time. A phone call can be very intrusive, even if well meant.

Staywithme - I understand that - sorry my post wasn't clear. Not meant to be disrespectful just trying to see things from the OP's point of view,

What I was trying to say is that the people who hear bad news are also upset and OF COURSE their distress is nothing compared to what the person directly affected is feeling but it is nevertheless there and understandable that's why I chose the "tell one person and and ask them to tell others" route when I had to tell bad news. That's partly what I understood the OP to mean by her post.

I have also just had bad news about a close relative. I have not seen or spoken to close relative yet - she has asked to be left alone - but have been able to get support from the person who told me and others and let it be known that my help is available should it be needed.

Really sorry to hear such very sad stories though. Life is very hard sometimes.