To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

[Eastie77]

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

Eastie, please do as U2 says, and stay.

You've had some really harsh responses on this thread and I hope you are ok.

If you are really upset, name change, lurk for a bit and rebuild your confidence a bit, (chat is far less tempestuous) but don't leave, you've done nothing wrong.

Namechange.

And chalk it up to experience.

Some of us did understand the feeling you were trying to express and you did say in your very first line that you were shocked and unsure of your reaction.

When our son was stillborn we told our nearest and dearest but used FB for others. There's no way I could have told all the people we needed to. You might not like it but be bloody glad you're not the one having to decide how tell everyone you know that your child us going to die.

OP I'm new and I feel like I've been rounded on in some threads, I'd probably be feeling pretty crap if I was you, and apologise if I was too mean in my own statements to you.

I have found that AIBU isn't a supportive place to discuss/debate real issues and perhaps developed a quick thick skin or perhaps actually got caught up with the whole "lets shoot this person down for daring to think out loud" vibe that it seems to be widely the atmosphere of AIBU

I think I shall also be leaving MN, at least certainly AIBU. It's easy to get caught up in a crowd, even online.

Your op has made my stomach lurch.
I am not exaggerating.
I feel unsettled and almost angry. I don't know really.

When you know your child is going to die you don't react like in the films. It's not a movie where you swoon and call out nooooooo!
They tell you.
You keep breathing
You keep living
You do what you have to do.
I wish I could have told people via FB.
I had to tell so many, many people and have to deal with their grief and their emotions, prop them up and listen to them tell ME not to give up on her, not to give up hope, to pray for a miracle, telling ME 'NO don't tell me that, how can you say that'

Me telling so many people 'she is going to die. They can't make her better' over and over and over.

Think about that for a minute or two. If you can.

That's my life.it never goes away. Not ever.

Am with you, DeVere. Fb is a lifeline for me in dealing with my DD's complex medical condition - updating family and friends and reaching out to other people who have children with the same condition. If/when she dies, I would use it to let people know (as many parents do). Having to tell people individually and then deal with their personal reactions - and often ending up comforting them - is hellish. No other word for it.

My experience of fb is much more profound than liking pictures of cute kittens. This is where we share all our most 'real' stuff, me and many others in my position.

I won't add to all the criticism of the OP. But I beg you, please don't judge.

OP, Your apology will not be seen by many. You can (you should) hide this thread and namechange. I think people will be sensitive to the OP and continue to be angry at you and describe their grief in detail (as is their right) to illustrate their point. I honestly think at this stage, after you've acknowledged your error, it is extremely unfair on you.

I think MN are wrong to allow this thread to stand because by doing so they are allowing the OP to remain some posters punching bag and that is not fair.

Hugs MrsDevere, as always.

Maybe OP I might have written your post one year and one week ago. You learn a lot when life deals a cruel blow. Suddenly you know people, like some of the wonderful people who have been a great support to me, who have been to hell and don't come back.

Just be good to your friend, offer concrete help, be there. And listen if they ever want to talk to you.

Maybe if people continue to put the boot in without acknowledging the apology MNHQ wil look at that decision again PrettyToes?

I hope so Arsenic. I cannot see how his thread is actually helping anyone. Not the bereaved and not the OP.

I think punching bag is a bit strong. Am sure that no poster has revelled in their (adverse) reactions to the OP. Subject was always going to be a massive red flag to those bereaved / similar and their reactions are entirely understandable.

Feel also for the OP, but think the thread should stand. Perhaps it has educated some of us on some level who might have reacted as the OP did?

I can't unread it.
Nor can any if the other bereaved parents.
It doesnt mean we are attacking the op.
But it's an odd world where a woman with a healthy child gets her head patted and people concerned or her welfare yet posts from parents with dead and sick children go almost unremarked upon.

A poster talked about end of life decisions for her child and it was almost as if she was invisible.

Now there are comments about us continuing to share our stories.
As if that is unpleasant and unnecessary.

Rest assured OP - anyone your friend really cared about telling would have been aware of his child's illness a long time before he put it on Facebook.

If you are gutted about it, give him a ring.

Wow! Somebody expresses their distress at how this makes them feel and then they are condemned as a bully?

Ffs

callme
zazzie

Well quite!

hmc people (including bereaved parents) are rocking up, reading the OP, not RTFT, not seeing the apology (or not caring at that point), getting angry, posting accordingly.

The bereaved are getting their tender spots poked, the OP is becoming a whipping boy, which seems all the worse now she's apologised so eloquently. As PrettyToes says it is helping nobody now, and there is no end in sight that I can see.

"the bereaved are getting their tender spots poked"?

What the actual fuck?

I'm too angry to be eloquent.

You have a point - might be damage limitation to pull thread before still more bereaved parents have to see it and be upset by it

Yeah.
Stfu about your dead kids,
It might upset someone.

When I was newly bereaved (not my child) that is how certain things felt to me Twunk. Sorry it isn't eloquent enough for you.

The reactions to the OP show it is upsetting people, though, however you want to express that, so the point stands.

Yeah they might "rock up" like it's a party

Arsenic I am way more offended by your posts than by the OP.

Devere - do you think the thread should stand?