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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

246 replies

Eastie77 · 31/07/2014 15:01

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

OP posts:
SpringItOn · 31/07/2014 15:50

I'll go against the grain then. I agree with the OP. Whilst I agree that getting the news out to many is difficult, I think when it's something so out of the blue as the OP said then its a strange choice to announce it like that.
If I saw that one of my friends had put that status up about one of their children, worded as the OP stated, I'd have to presume they'd been hacked.

choochootrain1 · 31/07/2014 15:50

Actually that's not a bad idea Sliced... OP I think you should def try to get this thread removed.

Not only does it make you look like an arse but it could cause more pain to a grieving family.

NewtRipley · 31/07/2014 15:51

I think, as a rule, it's best not to post knee jerk reactions on MN. Especially AIBU. That's as much a misuse of social media/break in netiquette, as what the OPs friends did.More actually

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 15:52

Lots of people do this actually, when your child has a terminal illness you hardly have the time or energy to ring or text every individual person.

I think you need to stop judging her and start supporting her.

There are women on here who have lost children to terminal illness, they updated us online in ways like that - nothing wrong with it.

DizzyKipper · 31/07/2014 15:53

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer he had to phone each of us up individually to tell us. He was terminal but couldn't bare to tell us that. There is no good way to hear that news, but more importantly, being the one to have to give that news is incredibly hard and painful. Can you imagine how hard and agonising it is for your friend, not only having a child that you know will soon die - something unbearable in itself - but having to then tell everyone about it too? Just please take a minute to really think about how hard that is. I think of my dad sometimes, having to ring people up one by one, explaining over and over again, trying to be strong whilst listening to the cries, the heartbreak. How can you be at all surprised when some one chooses not to do it that way, that they instead choose a method that lets everyone know at once? I'm not, and I don't judge them for it either. I think it's rather horrible that your first thought is about the way in which they've let people know. My first thoughts - without even knowing them is god how awful it is for them. YABVVVVVU.

ginslinger · 31/07/2014 15:56

The OP has said she is shocked, sometimes i think we behave out of character when we're shocked. I don't think the rude replies are necessary. It's not a hateful thread, perhaps ill-advised. There have been some good explanations as to why the family did this.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 31/07/2014 15:56

For gods sake don't call them, the FB status is their way of getting the news out there WITHOUT having to have a hundred heart breaking conversations with people.

It's not about you - yes, this totally. Get over yourself. Think it through before you post, and pray you are never In this situation. Or if you ever, sadly, are, then you must hope for better, less selfish, more emotionally tuned in and understanding friends that you appear to be from your post.

Beeyump · 31/07/2014 16:01

I don't think it's a hateful thread, just a shocked one.

WatchingSeaMonkeys · 31/07/2014 16:10

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Unfortunately, until FB add the "Deepest Sympathy" button there is only the "Like" button to use.

You've even managed to work out that people aren't actually "Liking" the terminal illness, but are letting their friend know that they're thinking of them.

And unless you know the people making the comments personally you have no idea what it means to the parents. "Dude, seriously sad news" is what one of my sons friends would say & he'd mean it from the bottom of his heart (I can see his eyes now!).....

Way too much judging of all & sundry OP

RabidFairy · 31/07/2014 16:11

I think its perfectly fine to start a thread on this. The OP wants to talk it through and see other peoples thoughts on the matter as a way to process her own thoughts. Far better she do it with us than she gossip about it IRL or with the parents of the poor child, right? That being said I also agree that if and when you get what you need from this thread it might be best if you ask it to be pulled, just in case. Smile

OP, I understand your reaction; its sudden, shocking and tragic news. However yours/ours is not to question the choices of the parents for how they decided to deliver the news. As PPs are saying, I cannot imagine saying something like this over and over again or dealing with other peoples reactions.

katese11 · 31/07/2014 16:33

With things like this, you just want people to know. My FIL just died and it was so painful when people asked how he was doing that I just put something on fbook (checked with MIL and dh first and took my cue from BIL). I might seem fine when you see me but if I break down and cry about something trivial I want people to know that there's more to it. It's just better that way. .. That's how I feel anyway.

Twunk · 31/07/2014 16:34

I think any reaction other than "oh these poor people, what hell they must be going through" is shocking.

Yes I am shocked by a child being terminally ill, that is what the shock should be about...not about the parents' method of letting people know.

And putting this on a site with a number of known bereaved parents, as well as those with children fighting serious and terminal illnesses is not a good choice compared to having a bit of compassion and understanding for people going through hell.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 31/07/2014 16:40

I think its fine for them to do that. Maybe they want to get it out there but not go through the pain of having to talk to people individually about it. One thing I am sure of is when someone is going through something like that, they get to choose how to deal with it. No one else. Just them. And friends should respect that. Not gossip or judge. If the friends can't do that one thing, then they really are not friends at all.

AWhistlingWoman · 31/07/2014 16:41

Sorry

AWhistlingWoman · 31/07/2014 16:42

Sorry that you feel sad that this was shared as a FB status. Suspect your friend feels quite considerably sadder at the present time though. Think you might need to get this in perspective.

Pinkrose1 · 31/07/2014 16:49

I think these people just look at fb differently from you. That's all.

How desperately sad for their child Sad

I certainly would do it this way just like I won't have people putting up a load of political twaddle on my page.

msscoob · 31/07/2014 16:50

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indigo18 · 31/07/2014 16:53

It's not about you.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/07/2014 16:56

Ican. That's a bit harsh isn't it.

OP.... I can understand why you are a bit Hmm about it but as has been pointed out it was obviously felt at the time this was the best way for the family to give the news. The comments may have come across as glib but IME often people really struggle to know how to respond to news like this.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 31/07/2014 16:58

mss oh FFS ...really????
Hmm

DarlingClem · 31/07/2014 16:59

A few weeks after our daughter was stillborn I made a Facebook update, it was a long, but not detailed, post about what had happened and how we were doing. I did it because there were many people who knew I was pregnant but wouldn't have heard through anybody else that I had lost the baby. I wasn't up for contacting everyone individually and didn't want to risk anyone asking me how my pregnancy was going, if the baby was born, etc. That would have killed me.

millymae · 31/07/2014 17:00

It's very easy to be rude when you're not face to face with someone you disagree with - but I'm another of the (very) few who can see where the OP is coming from here and I think that some of the responses she has received are well over the top, not to mention downright nasty. I certainly didn't read what she's written as being all about her.

Firstly though, before everyone piles in to attack me I would defend absolutely anyone's right to impart devastating information of this nature by whatever method they want but I do feel that those who have read it and responded by just clicking the like button have taken the cowards way out - surely an appropriate comment wouldn't be too much to expect in circumstances like this. Not only that, if an alien from space read this thread they could be forgiven for thinking that us humans have lost our tongues and can only communicate through facebook. To me facebook just seems a bit - dare I say it - flippant for news as sad as this, and that is a criticism of facebook not the people who choose to use it.

Viviennemary · 31/07/2014 17:05

I think people should be able to deal with such earth shattering things in the way they wish. So even if it's not the way you or I do it, in this case I think the parents are quite right to do this if that's what they want to do.

ICanHearYou · 31/07/2014 17:07

I'm 'a bit harsh'

I could be harsher if you like...

HavanaSlife · 31/07/2014 17:08

I did the same as ican and darling this is a shit thread, I'd ask for it to be pulled.

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