To feel sad - friend notifying people about child's terminal illness as a FB status

[Eastie77]

Sorry another FB post but I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting to this. I'm just quite shocked.

Logged onto FB to see a friend has posted that his child is terminally ill. He has written along the lines of "We are going to lose child x, he has (terminal illness)" There is no context to this in that he hadn't posted previously about the child being ill or anything so this isn't some kind of 'latest development' status. It is really out of the blue.

10 people have liked the comment. I assume they mean to express solidarity with my friend but obviously using the like button in this context is quite inappropriate.

Several people have also posted comments expressing their sorrow but some of the comments come across as so....glib: "Dude, seriously sad news" and "Oh maaaaan, can't believe this is happening!"

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network but I understand people use these sites to communicate in different ways. I just find it so odd and incredibly sad that friends are finding out in this way. One of the respondents to the post is my friend's sister who sounds shocked so it almost seems as if this is how she is hearing the news for the first time (I hope not). I'm definitely not going to post a comment but I do want to contact my friend and tell him how sorry I am so was thinking of a phone call.

I work in online advertising and spend a lot of time evangelizing about how online and social media is a force for good but there are days I really wonder...

Edit to my post above: I also did it because I wanted people to know that we had a daughter, what her name was and that we love her. I'm grateful she existed and I still wanted to share her story so that she could be remembered.

I would hate if somebody thought I was attention seeking.

I think the op's had a bit of a hard time here.

I personally would find it distasteful, but then (at 35) I can remember a life before Facebook. For me, Facebook is associated with the trivial, and the responses that the post (on Faceache) seems to have garnered have reduced a devestating situation that no parent would want to find themselves in, to something akin to missing a flight, or failing a driving test.

Oh yes and cantbelieve of all the replies. You pick on icans even after reading how she did the same after loosing her child, and after her explaining why she did it.

And you think other people are being harsh?

Grow up Ican absolutely no need to be nasty and unpleasant.

There are a number of us on here who have experienced similar loss Havana. I'm not picking on anyone FFS.

I understand where you're coming from, OP. It's obvious from your post that you're sad and it's come as a bit of a shock. The FB 'like' thing is a hideous parady of sympathy but it's what some people use to communicate; let them do that.

You have the right to vent about it on here; FB is an odd, odd invention that is no respecter of privacy but, some people like it that way. Different strokes for different folks.

Give your friend a call and tell her how sorry you are and ask if there's anything you can do.

I was widowed, and had to call friends to say what had happened. every phone call I had to relive what happened. And try and do this coherently. I would have have initially hesitated before announcing a death on Facebook, but tbh it would have made things a lot easier for me. And I agree that "liking" a statement about this would look at be weird, but Facebook has nothing else, and support from a friend who is unable to find the right words to say would have been a comfort.
Don't call them. Maybe send a text or card to let them know you are thinking of them and think about what you can do to support them. I will never forget the friends who bought me round nutritious, home cooked food to keep me going. I imagine something like that would be greatly appreciated with all the family are going through right now.

Such sad news :(
I guess it's easier to tell people on Facebook because you can let everyone know at once. It avoids awkward conversations with people you don't talk to often suddenly saying 'oh how is X' without them knowing about the illness. And most importantly the family are probably feeling very emotional at the moment and not up to personally messaging all their friends or telling them face to face. And for goodness sake don't phone them, unless you're a very close friend or family they most likely aren't in the mood to speak right now - hence the status.

There are far ruder replies than icans

And who made you thread police? Ifyou don't like a comment press the report button

No perhaps its not 'tasteful' but a dying child isn't either and they will be beyond devastated. You really need to get this thread deleted.

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network

It's does seem odd that it doesn't strike a horrendously sad note with you or that your first thought isn't to feel devastated on behalf of the family. However, given that this thread is defending the rights of the grieving to deal with terrible news in whatever manner they feel is appropriate, I am going to afford you the same courtesy and say this:

I'm going to assume that you aren't ready or able to think about the tragedy that is happening in the lives of these people, but when you are, hopefully all your concerns about how you found out will pale into insignificance and you will forget all thoughts about this Facebook status. I'm sure you will not let their method of conveying the news stand in the way of being a supportive and loving friend to them at a time when things like Facebook statuses, likes and comments are of absolutely no consequence.

You are right Havana but that was the one I came across first. There are some pretty nasty responses to the OP.
Stop looking for an fight when there isn't one. If you can't then step away from the keyboard.

My friend announced on fb about her son's terminal illness. She was stuck in hospital for weeks at a time and it was the quickest and easiest way to let all her friends know at once (family and close friends had already been informed).

Phoning everyone individually and having to explain the news over and over again would just be torturous, and im sure if you're by your dying child's bedside the last thing you would be thinking of is what if you're judged on how you're breaking the news.

Since updating on fb she has met others who's children have the same rare condition that her son has as her friends have been searching and putting her in touch with them through fb. She has also received support from local businesses who have been donating things so her son's short life can be made easier and happier for them both. None of these things would have happened if it wasn't for social media so I don't think it's always a bad thing.

Eastie - as others have said, I suspect that this was the easiest, least painful way for this poor father to tell people. I am not saying that telling this news is easy or painless, however it is done, but it may well be that telling people any other way would have been even MORE painful for him.

And I am afraid that your feelings don't really matter here - not when you compare them to the feelings of a father who is going to have to watch his beloved child die, to hold their body in his arms, to bury them. Please think about that unbelievable pain, and hopefully you will see the necessity of putting your own feelings aside, in order to be able to support your friend.

I will also echo what others have said.

I didn't use Facebook when my daughter died suddenly but I sent a mass text to everyone in my phone book.

I didn't want to have to go over the story over again and didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted everyone to know to avoid the very awkward interactions with those who didn't know.

This is such sad news for your friends and I imagine they just want the sad news out there so they don't have to worry about telling people. I'm surprised anyone would see it any other way.

I.used FB to comminicate details of DHs funeral because I was (am) a grieving pregnant widow and it was easiest for me; sod everyone else. No doubt you disapprove of that too OP.

We have been here before with these threads. Finding Facebook distasteful and being somehow above it all is a continual and tedious theme. It is a means of communication with real people behind it.

The OP comes across as nasty, and judgy against people she apparently counts amongst her friends. Their child is going to die and really that's all that matters right now.

Imagine for one second how that feels. You won't want to - it's too fucking painful.

So no, her treatment has not been harsh if the OP can see that it's not about her. Or Facebook. It's about her friends and their child and that's all.

(((((Grobags)))))) I don't "know" you but I wanted to give you a hug xx

Well...

If my child was terminally ill I'd want to tell everyone as fast and quick as poss. Id def use fb and txt. Then I control the news, who hears what , how, when and don't have to repeat myself.

And of course like means solidarity.

For a social media expert you're really not very good IMO. Post your firm, we will all know to avoid.

Look, really its his news and his grief or problem and he needs to announce or express this however he feels fit.

It may be he doesn't want to ring around.

The "likers" may be showing solidarity, or more perversely, liking it to show they were already in the know.

If it feels bad, don't do it yourself in a similar situation but that's all I can say really, Facebook is optional and free to be used as others wish within their guidelines. I can't imagine how awful it would be to have a situation like this and I have no idea how I would react. I suppose at some point I would make it public to the less knowledgeable of my day to day doings so if I wanted to talk about it (unlikely on facebook) or pay tribute (doesn't bear thinking about) people would know what I am talking about? I don't know, its just one of life's awfully difficult situations...

Oh stop it do. Why can't the OP post here about a FB status? Why is everybody so keen to label her as nasty and judgemental?

FB is a convention that many of us didn't have and wouldn't use for this purpose; there are just as many that say they would. Fine, use it for whatever you want but please stop lashing out at the OP for stating her views. Ignore them or report them.

Most if not all of us have experienced bereavement; we deal with it in different ways and nobody's view on that is any more valid than anybody else's.

There are real people behind every keyboard, whichever 'side' you're on. Just so that everybody knows that...

It might be the only way to tell people. I can't imagine trying to tell someone this horrible news face to face and watch their heart break and try to find words to say.

I'm not sure why this whole thing just strikes such as sour note with me. I guess my first thought is why would you declare such terrible news on a social network

I'm hoping your first thought was what terrible news for that poor family and you just haven't expressed it well?

Imagine op's post here is a knee jerk reaction, I suspect the poor father's Facebook update was too, understandably.

Judging a Facebook status is easier than processing that a child is going to die.

I don't think the op meant this thread maliciously.

op - be honest with yourself, it's not that it's a Facebook status, or that it lacks context that is upsetting you, it's that your friend is going to lose his child.

What awful news for them.

I think the responses are terrible though. I cannot imagine responding on Facebook. Just grotesque.

I can imagine if I was a huge user of social media posting that about my child for acquaintances once I'd told the family.