That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

I am actually amazed so many people agree with pure jealousy. Surely parenting is about children? And if the op's husband is a relaxed happy parent at his own parents, that is best for everyone?

Anyone can look after 2 children on their own if they have to, 'Manning' up wont achieve anything except for resentment and stress. Different parents are better at different stages of their children's lives and there are plenty of parents if both sexes who have no support and probably feel that they are 'fully manned up' but who are pretty crap parents. If the idea of parenting is how tough it is, you are probably communicating to your children that they are hard work .

I'm a little confused. On all the other nights you're away won't he have both children?

My exh was the same. He never looked after the children alone when they were small; always took them to his mother's, although she was even less capable of looking after them than he was. When i was gone for 4 days to a friend's wedding abroad, he spent one day with his sister, dumped DD1 (DD2 was conceived that summer) on my mother 'for 10 minutes' and was gone over 4 hours, went to his mother's the following day and left her and the day after was back with his sister!

When they got older, he would 'take them to the pictures' which involved giving them the money and then he would go to the pub. He didn't want to watch Disney films (like I did?).

Looking back, i have no idea now why i stayed with him for so long. He was and is a crap father.

YANBU.

My friend and I had babies at the same time. When we went back to work her DH was at home for several months having been made redundant, but she still had to take the baby round to her mum's when she went to work.

By contrast I went back to work p/t when DD was much smaller & we only used parents when DH's shift pattern clashed with my work days.

Your DH does need to step up I think.

He is perfectly capable. He took 2 months paternity leave with our first and looks after him quite happily. He also will look after the baby. What he won't do is both of them.

He has plenty of parenting experience and is a great dad. But he is being lazy and taking the easy option than trying to look after two. He admitted it when we were with friends last night.

I don't care anymore.

I just don't get 'the easy option'. If you can effectively delegate at work and do a fantastic job in 8 hours a day, you are a better employee and manager than someone who deliberately slaves 12 hours a day and achieves nothing more.

There are no prizes in life for deliberately making things harder for yourself, unless you believe that self flagellation is for a higher moral purpose.

I don't see what's wrong with taking the easy option though. I'm all for it personally.

Our children are grown up now, but I remember various occasions when I went away and left my husband in charge. I couldn't care less what he did with them as long as it wasn't dangerous and they were looked after.

Sometimes I went with a friend who had similar aged children and the dads would get together and do something fun with all four children. It was great.

When the men went away on walking weekends, very often the women and children would get together at some point for a barbecue or whatever. No one thought this was odd and that we were shirking our responsibilities.

larry has the crux of it, for me - There are no prizes in life for deliberately making things harder for yourself, unless you believe that self flagellation is for a higher moral purpose.

He is taking the easy option, no doubt about it. But I don't see why it's so bad for him to do that? Don't most of us take the easy option when we can?

I mean, when DP is sleeping off night shifts all weekend I could make sure DD and I are out the house all day, doing lots of constructive things, going to museums or play centres or walking in the woods... or I can just go back to my parents for two days and we all enjoy some peace and quiet.

Guess which one I do?

It just reads to me like you want him to suffer for two days.

Maybe because the OP is aware that his parents may not always be around. At some point her DP will need to man up and actually deal with both dcs himself.

I completely get how you feel OP. My stbx has still never EVER taken both dcs out of the house (they are 8 and 5 now). The only way he would be agreeable to "babysitting" them both was if they were both asleep in bed at night, and even then if one woke up, he rang me to come home. It was utterly ridiculous. (and yes, we had the conversation about how if you're their parent, you are NOT babysitting)

I moved away from my parents and now my father has died. If anything that makes me even happier that I took the easy/lazy option whenever I could, and spent time with them when my dh was away. I had a much happier time back then as a result and I have some great memories of them together. I don't really see what the gain would have been if I'd stayed home on my own and suffered instead.

So as long as he looks after both DC alone once then you'll be happy? Because he will have proved that he can?

I don't understand the leap between the observed fact that he hasn't looked after them both alone and the presumption that he can't look after them both alone. One doesn't equate to the other. Assuming he's an averagely intelligent person then there's absolutely no reason presume that he can't.

I have 2 (under 18 months), DP works long hours and away from home sometimes.

It's incredibly hard work at times and I welcome any form of assistance from family.

Would you rather he was stressed and anxious and the LOs suffer as a result?

I really don't get your gripe, OP.

If the parental workload is fair it is hard to understand this situation. This sounds like lazy opting out to the op's detriment. It would really bother me if my oh never looked after our ds on his own. Getting support, company building relationships with GPs is all good. Not being willing to look after your DC is something else.