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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

188 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 21:14

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

OP posts:
Slongette · 28/07/2014 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parakeet · 28/07/2014 22:04

I do more of the childcare than my DH (I work part-time and him full-time) and yet if he had gone away on business for a whole week when they were that young I would have dreaded it and certainly would have taken the option of an overnight at my parents if it had been possible. It is relentless doing all the nightfeeds yourself with no respite. (I take my hat off to all single parents.)

You seem to be saying: "I had it hard so you must have it hard too."

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 22:12

Yes, my husband also travels for business and went away for 3 nights when the second was three weeks old.

This isn't my bug, I travel a lot of business when working, he will have to learn to cope with two when I am soon back at work. But he has a just one day in his own to cope, and in feel he's just being lazy.

OP posts:
DrJuno · 28/07/2014 22:13

My ex hasn't ever had DS on his own for longer than an hour or two. DS is 3. DS was 7 months before he even had him on his own at all.

But then, he's a shit dad.

RonaldMcDonald · 28/07/2014 22:13

I think that he is planning to do the best job that he can
I hated looking after babies sub 1. I see no problems in others feeling the same way and if he is nervous or overwhelmed it is better that he sees his family
Kills two birds also

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 22:13

Parakeet, it is relentless. I have had two night feeds done for me in 8 months, maybe I am bitter about this too, i do want him to feel pain. Why shouldn't he, co parenting....

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 28/07/2014 22:14

Bloody hell, I don't blame him! If I was looking after a baby and toddler all week, even if it was normally one at a time, I'd jump at the chance to stay with my parents for a day/overnight.

Although DC1 will be in childcare most of the days, presumably he's doing quite a few bedtimes/night feeds by himself?

AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 22:14

It appears you have made your mind up, OP. Oh well.

clam · 28/07/2014 22:19

^"I honestly can say I don't think I would be totally happy leaving DS on his own with his father for any length of time. It's my own fault as I find it easier to do it all myself - then I know it's done right."

"Done right?" Hmm

He's his father! And if I were him, I'd be pretty hacked off at your attitude, to be honest.

minipie · 28/07/2014 22:20

I know how you feel OP - as my DH also used to runs for the ILs any time he had sole charge but I also think maybe he just doesn't know what else to do with them? if he's usually WOH then he won't have a network of friends to arrange play dates, won't know what activities are on (less on in school hols anyway) etc.

Also think that sole parenting of 2 under 3 for a week is a pretty daunting prospect and I'd be doing whatever I could to make it easier if I was your DH - including going to my parents.

If he was just having them for a day I'd say yanbu but as it's a week I say yabu.

MarrogfromMars · 28/07/2014 22:21

If he finds ways of making his life easier that don't inconvenience you then why not? It would be a different story if he was saying he couldn't manage without extra help.

It sounds like you've got a really stressful week when you get back though - is he going to give you lots of support?

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 22:24

Maybe I have made my mind up. But maybe I think that looking after your own children for 4 days, one day with both should be par of the course. Mothers do it all the time, as have I, with no support.

I thought it was a new era, not one where men were still mollycoddled.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 22:26

I never did it < shrug >

PuppyMonkey · 28/07/2014 22:27

So he's only ever done two night feeds (or did somebody else do those??) Confused

He's in for a heck of a week..Grin

HavanaSlife · 28/07/2014 22:33

Dp has only ever taken the youngest 2 to his mum's, they're 3.4 and 18 months. He takes the 3 year old out to do the weekly shopping etc but never both of them.

Tbh if I didn't have to I'd probably not take them both out on my own either

cricketballs · 28/07/2014 22:35

My DH did this, in the main as he wasn't used to caring for them on his own for that length of time (he worked long hours and worked away on a frequent basis) that he was too scared/worried to do it by himself. Op, you have been on leave and are the main carer at the moment with a small bwby and toddler; imagine if you went straight back to work after 2 weeks and your DH was the main carer? Wouldn't you feel overwhelmed, anxious if you suddenly had to do it yourself?

ssd · 28/07/2014 22:37

AF, what do you mean you never did it? did you never look after your kids by yourself Confused

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 22:37

Yes, I completely understand, OP. You say there's only one day of the week where he would be alone with them (as they are at nursery etc the rest of the days) and you think it should be possible for him to manage what you cope with all the time. I can see exactly why you would like him to experience for just one day what life is like for you with the children. Apart from proving that he could cope with them both for a whole day if he ever needed to - after all, you may not always have supportive relatives around to take up the slack - it would bring you closer as a couple for him to share your experience for a day. I sympathise with your frustration and annoyance.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2014 22:40

I used to judge men who couldn't look after their own kids. Then I had a kid.

I rope in help in any way, shape or form that I can. And I only have one!

Women are told, get out of the house. Don't struggle alone. Use all your support. I think men should be able to do this too.

Caring for small children doesn't come naturally to everybody. Lucky you if it does.

Mintyy · 28/07/2014 22:41

Is it 4 days or a week op? Am very confused now. Have you been on your own with your two children for a whole week without dh there in the evenings, mornings, overnight?

AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 22:41

ssd, (mine are 5 years apart) but when they were this young there is no way I would not look for some valuable support with them when parenting single handed for a week

AnyFucker · 28/07/2014 22:43

see ? MZ understands where I am coming from..

when my kids were young I was like a limpet...to my mum, my sister, my friends, anybody that would have me and save me from the long and boring days of caring for little kids singlehanded

take your support where you can find it, I say

RiverTam · 28/07/2014 22:44

I still don't get it. If my mum or sister had lived closer I would have been round at their's all the time, rather than be on my own for any length of time with DD when she was a baby. And I only have her! If I had 2 little ones, even more so. As it was I saw them, and friends, and basically wasn't at home alone with DD, as much as possible.

Focus on your trip and the fact that the DC will get to spend time with their dad and their GPs.

Piddlepuddle · 28/07/2014 22:46

Well I work part time, and on my days off I find it very long and hard if we don't have something planned - not grandparents as they're too far away, but it would be v unusual not to meet a friend for coffee, go to toddler group, heck even the 15 minute walk on the school run can be precious adult company after a day with my v intense nearly 3 year old. I don't see what your DH is planning to do is really any different.

Ok no it isn't dad of the year to be looking after them while you're away, but I equally don't think he deserves all the stick for something as innocuous as this.

weatherall · 28/07/2014 22:48

He shouldn't have had DCs if he wasn't willing to actually parent them when needed.

What would he do if you died? Put them in an orphanage?

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