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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

188 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 21:14

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:44

Look, I can understand you feeling hard done by, OP, but you say yourself you may be pissed off because he has the opportunity and you don't. It's not his fault your mum has dementia and needs your help while his mum can help him.

However if you need more support from him generally then you need to speak to him and communicate this.

HaroldLloyd · 28/07/2014 23:46

I would be more keen to get help when your actually there as that will give you more of a break if you see what I mean.

Get him doing this regularly when your home and have a break.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/07/2014 23:56

Yabu. I don't really see the problem. It's a long week without your partner and he will have the baby every day. Without you around he will have to make an effort to find adult company. If he's not usually the main carer he won't have friends to meet up with and baby groups he's used to going to. If I were on my own for the week and dh was away, I would absolutely have a day out visiting friends or family. That just seems normal to me.

SqueakySqueak · 29/07/2014 02:52

YABU.

If DH left for a week, I'd be down with my parents or sending DD there for a couple days if they allowed it, and I'm home with her. As long as the kids are getting cared for, why should he martyr himself if he doesn't need to?

To echo PPs, if he's not lending support and pitching in day to day, you need to talk to him. DH is really good about pulling his weight with DD and around the house with chores.

Lesnewth · 29/07/2014 03:43

No, YANBU to be annoyed at him relying on his mummy to help out. My DH was the same, but it is the way they are. Some men can cope, but others can't.

Mine even did it when he only had them for a day never mind a week!

Emmylooagain · 29/07/2014 04:29

Goodness I must be a bad mother because I really struggled looking after two under 3 and if I had them for a full day I would probably get my Mum to come around and help. I don't see why he must stay there alone with them if he can go to his parents. I really struggled being home alone with a toddler and a new baby and had my Mum or MIL come around all the time. If my DH was away for a week I would get my Mum to come and stay. Why is there this whole "you must go it alone and struggle"?

My DH would cope far better than me. We both work full time so we really share the parenting load 50:50.

I am now very capable of looking after the two by myself (DS is 4 in November and DD is 14 months) but I was terrified at the beginning. It's really hard and I hated it.

nooka · 29/07/2014 04:51

Me too. I had a 16mth gap between my two and both dh and I worked full time so had childcare. When he went away on business trips I'd be at my parents like a shot. It's lonely when your partner is away, it's nice to visit your parents on your own from time to time, they loved to be needed and what on earth is wrong with a bit of support and help?

nooka · 29/07/2014 04:53

Oh and I was perfectly capable of looking after them. When I went away dh stayed home (his mum died before we had children and he is very happy with his own company) but he didn't resent me visiting my parents, in fact he encouraged it.

melissa83 · 29/07/2014 06:32

This is not a great dad. Why on earth cant he cope with only 2 children Confused

larrygrylls · 29/07/2014 06:38

1 week business trips are indulgences. I used to do them years ago, lots of dinners, lots of team meetings, lots of wasted time. In short, generally 2-3 days of work, 2-3 days of quasi holiday.

The op is quite happily taking a child free week, and then has the nerve to complain when her children get to spend 1 day with their grandparents and father.

Op, when you are 'talking business' over a long lunch with expensive wines, as long as your children are safe and looked after, what your husband chooses to do with them is not really your concern.

nooka · 29/07/2014 06:46

Um larry I have a one week business trip coming up. It will involve five days of meetings starting at 8.30 and finishing if I am lucky at 6pm. On at least one night there will be a presentation/reception. The other nights I will probably be working to prepare for the next day. Long lunches and expensive wines will not feature (I wish!).

Guitargirl · 29/07/2014 06:51

He is taking his 2 children to his parents for the day. Honestly, what is the big deal? They will probably have a great time. OP - as you have said there are going to be plenty of business trips when you are away.

We invited a friend of ours around for lunch the other day who has 2 kids and his wife was away for the weekend. We didn't do it because he is a man. If he had gone away for the weekend then we would have invited his wife over. We invited him because 4 days on the trot with 2 small children and no adult company can be difficult for some people. And I saw the wild look in his eye when he was contemplating the 4 days stretching ahead...

It sounds as though you are having a difficult time OP with everything you have to manage and you obviously have a lot on your plate. But I wouldn't see a day that your DH is spending with his parents as a part of that.

larrygrylls · 29/07/2014 06:53

Nooka,

Then you are the exception. Although I still suspect a lot of the meetings will be a competitive parading of egos and better things would have been accomplished by other means. 'Meetings' are generally not that productive...plenty of real research to back that up.

I used to compress 7 day Far East trips into 2-3 tough working days and travel out on Saturday or Sunday nights.

Hakluyt · 29/07/2014 06:55

I still don't understand why the op's dp can pop round to his parents, but the Op has to look after the children with no support. Presumably the grandparents don't vanish when their son is at work?

rosemarytwinkle · 29/07/2014 06:56

I get how you feel OP, I have dcs the same age, we also live close to my in-laws but not my parents. I have had a hard year managing alone. My dh is also what I would consider a great dad, but when he has had both dcs to look after for even a couple of hours (early on when baby was a couple of months) he was straight round to his parents'. It really annoyed me, I hate the fact that he has never experienced what I constantly have to handle on my own. He does spend time with them both but I am around so it's not the same.

I don't know what he would do if I was away for a week but I can imagine his mother taking up residence in the spare room. I can't say I blame him as I would have loved the company and help too, I guess it's more that I want him to feel what I have felt, he says he know it is hard but then other things he says show me he really has no clue.

Surfsup1 · 29/07/2014 06:58

Larry - when my DH does week-long business trip I have no envy of his schedule. It normally involves numerous continents, meetings back-to-back for 10 hours per day, sleeping on planes etc.
When I used to do business trips they weren't as hectic as DH's but they were certainly no indulgence. Maybe you shouldn't judge others by your own measure?

OP, I remember feeling the same irritation, but YABU as was I. We all do whatever it takes to get by with little bubs. So long as they're all happy and well when you get back then all you need to do is smile and say thank you. And enjoy your trip if possible!

Panzee · 29/07/2014 07:03

My brother used to always pop round on his day off when he also looked after his son when he ws little.
He was more than capable of looking after him, but my brother is the sort of person who can't be on his own, he needed the adult company too.

I always go up to my parents' when I find myself at a loose end with the kids. Why on earth not if you get on?

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 29/07/2014 07:05

So. To clarify.

I am away on business from
Monday morning until late Thursday night. My husband has taken Monday off as neither child is in child care (this is their first week in nursery). Both are in nursery on Tuesday and Thursday so he is back at work and Wednesday he will just have the baby to look after.

He has decided to go to his parents from Sunday to Monday as he wants help and doesn't want to be with them alone on Monday.

So he will have lots of adult company. He is a good dad and husband, I won't go into the complexities, but I have had a rotten year and have been looking after two small children almost single handedly. My husband travels and has left me alone a lot with them both. So those of you who are asking have I done it, yes. A lot. But this I have no issue with.

He is supportive, and fabulous, he is my only support but soon both of us will be working full time.

I just want him to step up and look after the boys, be in sole charge. Take some of the pain and understand what he needs to do. I will be away on business again a lot. But, he is taking the easy route.

I'm surprised so many of you find this so hard to understand. All I want is him to take responsibility.
Anyway. That's that.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 29/07/2014 07:05

Surf,

Yeah, it is tough kicking back in a business class seat with hot and cold running service and then reclining your seat into a bed to sleep.

Business people love to talk about their 'tough' schedule but it is rarely a reality. Is sitting in a meeting tough really? To quote Lloyd Blankfein, who has a tougher schedule than most: 'it is a meeting, not getting off a Higgins boat at Omaha beach'. And seriously, if you husbands schedule encompassed sever continents, I am sure it also included many tough 'meetings' in expensive restaurants.

Surfsup1 · 29/07/2014 07:14

If it were one flight and a couple of meetings then I'd agree with you Larry. When you fly 12 hours overnight to get to your first meeting (jet-lagged) then you do 10 hours of meetings (all in different offices around a city so dashing from one to the next) then you get on a plane and fly 6 hours to the next city - repeat repeat for a week, I reckon that's a pretty tough schedule.
The last trip his team did ended with their client in tears due to the gruelling schedule! Seriously!
I have no doubt that many people build a cozy little jaunt into their business trips, but you certainly shouldn't assume it to be the case.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 29/07/2014 07:15

Larrygrylls, you clearly have no experience of business trips, or certainly not mine. I will be working from 7am until 5 and then 6 until midnight for 4 days. Full intensive engineering and commercial discussions.

Sleeping in university accommodation (don't ask) and then coming home and looking after 2 small children alone, and some other stuff.

So no, I won't have an easy week, at all. And, my first week leaving the baby.

Empathy seems so hard for some people.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 29/07/2014 07:15

Op,

Your posts sound as if they are borne of jealousy. What do you mean 'the easy route'? Having just lost my mother, I am really pleased how often I took my children to see my mother. Grandparents are important. I am sad I had children relatively late in life and that they could not have spent more time with my mother.

If your children are happy and have a fun day with three adults, that is lovely. If you feel unsupported, maybe you should ask your in laws if you can bring the children down when your husband is away?

Surfsup1 · 29/07/2014 07:19

Plus, your quote of Lloyd Blankfein is out of context. He wasn't talking about coping with a gruelling schedule, he was talking about keeping the importance of a meeting (even a very important meeting) in perspective.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 29/07/2014 07:21

No they aren't Bourne of jealousy at all. I want him to take responsibility. Isn't that clear? We see his parents loads and I feel the same as you about seeing grandparents.

I would never take my children to my inlaws, it's my job to look after them, not to palm them off on someone else.

OP posts:
nooka · 29/07/2014 07:22

Larry I'm sure in some sectors there's plenty of luxury activities going on, but I work for the public sector and costs are tight, so travel is economy and meal prices limited. Travel budgets have been severely cut back so lots of video and telephone conferences happen now, but for some things face to face is still very much the most efficient approach. Personally I don't really enjoy business trips, they have to be high value f=before I sign up.

OP do you feel that your dh doesn't understand how hard it's been and so you want him to struggle a bit and be more appreciative? To me it seems that your dh is being very sensible in getting extra help where you feel he is not being responsible in going it alone. Do you worry that he wouldn't be able to cope without you and so feel the pressure is more on you perhaps?