Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

188 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 21:14

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

OP posts:
Mim78 · 28/07/2014 22:51

I am taking kids to family 3 out of 6 weeks of the hols as dh working particularly hard at the mo. I have a five year old and 5 month old so being with them both all day for such a long period (I.e. The six weeks) is new. Obviously I am lazy then.

VFXdad · 28/07/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2014 22:55

Lol, yup. I was a bit of a lone wolf before I became a mother. Then overnight I was like

HIYA!!! Can we hang out today all day oh go on no I don't mind if it's just to asda can we come can we can we pleeeeeese

When his nibs grows up I'll go back to being a miserable sod.

Piddlepuddle · 28/07/2014 22:55

Imagine the response this would have got if it was the other way round! " my husband is on a business trip all week - which is fine, except on the Saturday I want to go and see my mum just for a bit of a break! But DH says they are our children, and I should be doing all of it on my own. Some of his friends are telling me I shouldn't have even had kids if it meant I wanted to palm them off onto other people". I doubt one single person on here would have told her to get on with it or put up with it!

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 22:56

Maybe he is lacking confidence rather than lazy. Maybe he fancies a day with his parents who would like to spend the day with their GCs. Maybe he sees no reason to juggle both if he doesn't have to. Why not make one's life easier? That seems sensible to me.

It's not his fault your parents aren't around!

And this will be practice and he will learn in time.

Also he will be looking after them the rest of the time.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 22:56

Why don't you ask for help from your parents in law when you need it too?

VFXdad · 28/07/2014 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:04

If she has can I go too?

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 23:04

There is a big distinction between seeking out other people and groups for company and actually handing over responsibility for them to someone else! Mothers on their own are, of course, encouraged to go out to toddler groups, to meet friends etc but they still retain responsibility for their children during this time - for feeding them, soothing them, stopping bad behaviour and generally keeping an eye on them at all times to make sure they're safe. The OP is not talking about this -she is talking about her partner taking the children round to his mother's on the one day that he would otherwise be solely responsible for them in order to shelve the responsibility on to someone else! She obviously thinks that as soon as the door is shut, it will be Grandma who is doing the lion's share of the feeding, entertaining etc rather than him! Somehow, I don't find that too hard to imagine!

HaroldLloyd · 28/07/2014 23:07

Loads of my friends complain about this as well, but in all honesty if roles were reversed and I had the chance to either go to my mums for the day, or stay in alone I know what I would do.

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:08

I'd do the same when I had the chance. No rule saying you have to take the hard route when you don't need to.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 23:19

I was baffled by this thread. Then I remembered that on Mumsnt, men are not allowed to have happy relationships with their parents (particularly their mothers) and are certainly not allowed to want to spend time with them. Then it all became clear.

Hakluyt · 28/07/2014 23:21

". Mothers do it all the time, as have I, with no support. "

If he can go round to his mum's, why can't you ?

VFXdad · 28/07/2014 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 23:24

Absolutely none -and the sensible thing to do - if you already know that you can handle the children entirely by yourself if need be. The OP is talking from the position of already being able to do this (and knowing how demanding it is.) She is worried (and I would be too) at having a partner who has never looked after the children single-handedly for even one day -what happens in an emergency when the OP is unable to look after them and the grandparents are on holiday or unavailable? I would want to have some confidence that my husband could look after our children without relying on outside help. This single day would have been a natural opportunity for the OP's partner to try out his parenting skills in earnest and he ducks it to share responsibility with Grandma. I would find his reluctance to try his own abilities very discouraging as well as being worried about his ability to cope if it were ever necessary.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 23:25

Sorry, that followed on from waffly's post.

HaroldLloyd · 28/07/2014 23:26

He would cope, of course he would. He's just taking them up for the day. He's got them all week.

Let's not over react!

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:32

He will be coping on his own. It is perfectly normal and usual for parents, whether male or female, lone or coupled up to take kids to GPs once a week. More even! Partly because, you know, GPs and GCs can enjoy each other but also because it can give them a bit of a break and support.

What may be of more concern is the OP says she's had a crap year and says she had no support. There is no detail but if she means she didn't feel supported by her DH then there could be a problem.

TaraKnowles · 28/07/2014 23:35

My dh used to play sport every Saturday, I'd hang out with my mum. I don't see how that would be harmful to my my family.

DoJo · 28/07/2014 23:35

When you say 'take them to his parents' do you mean visit his parents with the children, or drop them off at his parents for them to look after?

Because the former is quite understandable and akin to the socialising I think most parents do to break up what can be a long day with a small child.

If it's the latter, then I can understand your frustration, but think it's hard to judge when it's one day in the middle of a week where he will be responsible for at least one child the whole time. If he's not used to doing night feeds, then he might be acknowledging that he probably won't be functioning fully after a couple of night's broken sleep, or recognising that they might all be missing you and find it easier to be distracted elsewhere than hanging around at home (which would probably be the alternative given that he might not want to take them out if he is anticipating struggling to maintain control). If he is concerned that he might not cope, then surely it is a good thing that he doesn't just ignore the fact and has a plan in place rather than suffering and all three of them being miserable, which is presumably what would happen if he found it really hard.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 23:36

He doesn't have them for a whole day the entire week! How do you know he could cope if he had to? The OP clearly has no such confidence, and she's his wife! Each parent should be able to look after their own children for a day, unaided. The OP obviously wanted him to do this as and I think it was a reasonable thing to ask, even if just so he could empathise with the many days that she did it.

HaroldLloyd · 28/07/2014 23:37

That's another issue there OP, if you feel unsupported, but have words with him about helping more when you are there, it's no point him staying in to prove a point when your not there to benefit.

Send him up your in laws on a Saturday with them when your home and have a break. That's what I would do.

Bettercallsaul1 · 28/07/2014 23:38

Sorry, that was to Harold - this thread is moving too quickly!

HaroldLloyd · 28/07/2014 23:39

Sorry, I don't think it IS a reasonable thing to ask.

She is away, he needs to be sole carer for the week, so why does that mean he shouldn't spend a day with their grandparents?

And I'm sure the OP wouldn't be in a position to leave them if there were serious concerns he really couldn't actually cope. He is going to have them for a week with one day out, that's quite a lot.

I wouldn't relish that and I have mine both under three four days a week, on my own. If my mum asks me up I bite her arm off.

I just don't get it.

wafflyversatile · 28/07/2014 23:41

Because they are in nursery, like when the OP has them!

Swipe left for the next trending thread