That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

[TerrifiedMothertobe]

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

"But- sounds like I am unreasonable. I will remember that when I am left alone with them 4 days with no help and I have to man up and get on with it."

But if he can take them to visit their grandparents, why can't you?

...and as another positive point, he's done a visit to the in-laws while you are away which means you are off the hook for visiting for a bit.

This resentment that you think he has an easier life is really not going to help. It isn't easy being a stay at home parent, it isn't easy being the working parent and having that pressure of being the only income, it wont be easy being 2 working parents and I would think it's not esy being an only parent either.

because he chooses to take help that is available to him doesn't make him a bad father imo. I'd be glad that the children were going to have a nice time and be cared for.

I really don't see why he needs to be taught a lesson in this case. As it's so close to you going back to work, I think you need to set down a proper division of care and responsibility for the future. What he does on this one trip is pretty irrelavent tbh.

I want him to take responsibility

Why? Why is it better for him, or you, or the children, if he chooses the more difficult option?

It seems that in your mind the words "take responsibility" have some intrinsic virtue that you expect everyone to recognise and understand. Well, I don't. I have no idea why it would be a good thing to take sole responsibility for something if there's an easier option.

I don't buy the argument some people have made that it's so he will learn to cope. Coping alone sooner than circumstances force you to increases the total amount of difficulty in your own life, and doing your on-the-job learning sooner means doing it at a more difficult stage in the children's life. It makes no sense at all to learn to cope alone any sooner than you're forced to.

I do get where the OP is coming from. DH travels a lot on business and when DD was a baby was away frequently and also managed to go away a number of times on stag dos/boys trips/sports tour. So when I wanted to go away Saturday lunchtime to Sunday lunchtime for a hen do when DD was 14 months, his response was to say he was going to take DD to his parents. Not because it was a good opportunity to see them, but (in his words) so as he didn't have to cope on his own.

I was apopletic with rage. He had swanned off whenever his work or personal diary had suggested it and never suggested that I should do anything but get on with it. I was working full time and still did every night feed. And yet 24 hours on his own with one child and he had to run to mummy?

Now I do get this is a slightly different scenario - the OP is away for a period of time and this is only some of it. And yes he will have to cope for other points on his own. And yes there is nothing wrong with seeing his parents. BUt I do get her rage that the second the going gets a little tougher (ie what the OP does all the time) it feels like he is opting out.

I totally get the OP too. It's that never taking individual responsibility for the kids on their own that gets irritating. Fair enough it's a nice thing to take them to see their grandparents but annoying if it's just to avoid having them on his own.

My DH is a great dad in many, many ways but I can count a 1 hand the amount of times he has had DS (4) on his own. I have him the 2 days in the week that I don't work and often take him out on my own at the weekend and that's fine, he's not a hassle. DH wants to do everything as a family which again is lovely but means he virtually never has DS alone. I'm going away for work 3 nights for work soon so it will be interesting to see how they get on together.

My daughter frequently comes to stay with us when her husband is away.

Does that make her a bad mother? I don't think so.

vFX dad, only lovers... Finally someone gets it!

It's nothing to do with going to parents, getting help- being a bad paren! I NeVer ever ever said that anyone is a bad parent for getting support. God, we would all go insane without it! So if anyone else mentions that- please re read my posts!

He is their father, he should be able to look after them on own, without being bloody lazy. He will end up landed in the shit when no one is there to help him, surely this one day alone was a good opportunity to get to practice!?

I wouldn't go to my inlaws as they live too far away, and as much as I like them, we see enough if them already. The kids will have a ball, that I am chuffed about but, they are also in their 70's so that's why I say I think we should be responsible. I'm no ogre. I'm exhausted, have lots to deal with and want him to take a real share in advance of me going back to work. Rather than him not knowing his arse from his elbow and me being stressed as I'm doing everything and working.

Maybe this makes me a bitch, and although he helps out a lot at home, and be really does, I still think it's his job to learn his babies routine and juggle it with our preschooler, before we are both back at work full time and life becomes manic.

Thank you ocadosumsidtedmyhummus.

You need to ensure equality at home particularly as shortly you will both be working. We never had the situation described as we both were feminist and both not prepared that one would be more burdened than the other.

Can you not just make sure he does more once you are back eg he has them all day Saturday and you all day Sunday alone - we did that for a time when we often had bits of work at weekends or needed to get on with things around the house or wanted a break - that person has sole charge for most of one of the weekend days. You go out and leave him with them for the day and he has to get on with it. As long as he has two arms and can move around he will be able to deal with it although at 8 months mine were breastfeeding so at that stage me near by to feed at weekends was necessary.

Yanbu. Sounds very unfair.
How can he never have his own dc alone? It doesn't sound fair and he needs to parent up.

My friend's husband takes his dc to his DMS or mils every time he is supposed to be looking after them. It isn't about GPs visiting with beloved gcs, it's about being allowed to shirk his parental responsibilities. His dc are 6 and 11 and he's never had them on his own, didn't do night feeds and doesn't like unbroken sleep. .

I have a cousin that does this too. Her poor parents never get a break, they look after her 3 dc full time and she plonks herself on them both weekend days. They complain non stop but still do it.

We don't have any family support but my oh is my partner. On the very rare occasion we have help, we both get a break. We don't share early mornings because I wake at 6:30. We don't share trips to the football because I hate it and he loves it. It feels fair though. Your situation doesn't sound fair and I'd see my are (as would my oh).

Wow I'm so jealous of all the posters with loads of family nearby, ready and waiting to socialise and help out

I have no family support nearby. So yes, it is irksome when exH has ds for an afternoon a week but requires the help of his entire family to cope.

It's lame.

OP your last post really resonated with me.

Yep, one parent refusing to take responsibility for their kids is so crap and frustrating. And the in laws enabling and actually supporting it is really irritating.

It prevents that person being a proper parent and negatively affects their relationship with their children.

It also adds to the pressure on the other parent.

If I go away for a weekend or something, I actively encourage DH to invite his parents up to stay and help. Firstly because I know how intense it can be looking after small children with no break, and partly because my DH loves seeing his parents, as do my dc. Kills two birds with one stone.

I am a Sahm so spend lots of time looking after the dc by myself. Some days I visit my parents, or see friends. Sometimes I don't. No big deal.

But then again I know my DH is a good dad and a good husband and I don't need him to prove anything to me.

OP, you say he is supportive and you also say you have had no support.

Is he really supportive?

Who else supports you? Do you have friends to pass time with when it's too much just you and the DCs?

You sound like you've been having a tough time.

I don't understand OP, you say you have a child of nearly three and your DH has never been further than the corner shop with him alone?

Is that correct?

And this is your idea of being a good dad?

The reality is there are loads of mothers' coffee mornings, park outings etc where fathers are, at best, tolerated on the periphery.

It is quite much more fun looking after young children with company, at least some of the time. I just don't understand why the op's husband shouldn't see his parents.

I'm afraid I don't get it either, and each of your subsequent posts seeking to clarify your point just make me more confused.

Are you saying that he simply doesn't know how to care for the two children?

And you want him to practise, in case he needs to look after them without help one day (probably likely)?

I can't understand this. Did YOU practise having them on your own before you had them on your own? Frankly, does anyone practise?

Actually, I think this is you wanting him to feel your pain. No more, and no less. Which is churlish, and albeit understandable.

How about seeing it this way: you have had an especially rough ride with young children and now going back to work, including leaving your baby for the first time. He has not had such a rough ride, and will continue to take it relatively easy as he will have help from his parents. With the extra, leftover effort (compared to yours) he needs to do something to actually make your life easier. Don't know what this is, maybe having the children for two hours on a saturday morning so you can go work out (or whatever). But something.

Having his parents to help should be a good thing for everyone: grandparents, parents, children alike. You are only seeing the negative, and smarting with resentment at the unfairness. Try seeing the positives and make something good come out of this.

But the point is surely that he has planned how he will cope with having the child "on his own" overnight - why does it matter if another person is involved - are people really suggesting they would PREFER their partner to go through hell, alone rather than have readily and easily available help - just because "mum" feels somehow that SHE has to when she is looking after kids alone .... madness...

DrJuno your post at 14:33 was a great summary of the situation.

Roping in laws in and not looking after your own DC is crap. It's different from popping along to parent and child groups; the op is describing a lazy cop out.

It is sad not to build a relationship with your DC and unsupportive to your oh.

Op

justashopgirl

I totally agree.

I just find it dangerous that someone asking for help/ reassurance with parenting equals crap parents or unsupportive. I would not tell a woman to " woman up" if she wanted help so I hate the term " man up". Myself and DP took turns to be a SAHP, he was more nervous about getting it right for me than looking after DCs. I am very laid back and I trust him but I have met many women who want support but do not allow others in and this includes their partner. How do you get to having a three year old and eight month old with no parenting experience and live in the same home. Once it becomes the norm he will be fine, if he is not then it has nothing to do with visiting MIL.

YY JustAShopGirl - that exactly.