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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

188 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 21:14

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

OP posts:
myotherusernameisbetter · 29/07/2014 09:24

I had my two 13 months apart. My OH looked after them full time while i worked. I obviously helped in the evenings and weekends and as they were early risers, I'd do breakfast with them to let him sleep until I had to leave for work.

However, there were a few days when he was attending a training course and I was terrified of having to deal with 2 toddlers by myself all day....if I'd had the option to visit my Mum then I would have.

And I'm a Mum.

Surely it's about him making a decision that ensures your children are happy and well cared for so if that means he'd be happier with someone else there, I don't know how that makes it a bad thing? Better that than struggling and failing.

I think you are being harsh and trying to make yourself out a martyr tbh

DoJo · 29/07/2014 09:27

I started of feeling sympathetic to you, but I do agree with a PP - wanting him to 'feel the pain' sounds as though you would be happier if he had a terrible time, but surely that would also result in your children having a terrible time too? And for what? To prove that you are more capable? To show him that he should be more grateful that you manage on your own while he's away?

It sounds as though you are a bit resentful of the time he spends away and think that he doesn't appreciate how hard it is to do what you do, so why not just tell him that? Do you really want them all to suffer to prove the point? It sounds like he already knows how hard it is, otherwise he would be so keen to take the kids to his parents, so can you not just take that as a sign that he does know how hard it is?

And your point about not taking the kids to his parents while he's away does make it sound as though you think their only purpose is babysitting, rather than having a relationship with your children which benefits everyone involved and that's kind of sad.

VFXdad · 29/07/2014 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks365 · 29/07/2014 09:28

Your dh will still be taking responsibility for the dc maybe not for both of them during normal working hours but then no one who works full time does, he will still have to do all the nursery runs, all the other night feeds, all bath and bedtimes. I escape to my parents whenever possible nothing to do with palming off the dc but it gives me an opportunity to focus on them and not worry about things like meals and housework which can take over otherwise.

Original poster
TerrifiedMothertobe · 29/07/2014 09:28

I'm no natural parent and said absolutely nothing about being Bad parent by using grandparents/ friends etc as support. I see this is no problem. People are making this out of nothing! I have repeatedly said this is about his responsibilities.

I just want him to be responsible! Ahhhh how many times do I have to say it?

We are a team but whilst on maternity leave i have been primary Carer and he needs to also learn the ropes. When I'm back at work he can't travel 200 miles to him parents every time he gets stuck.

But- sounds like I am unreasonable. I will remember that when I am left alone with them 4 days with no help and I have to man up and get on with it.

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 29/07/2014 09:28

I think you're being ridiculous, and you need to understand for yourself why you have reacted like this.

amyhamster · 29/07/2014 09:29

It does sound like you need a break & are feeling resentful
Why don't you book a girls weekend away?
If you're out having fun , sleeping in etc you won't mind your dh is at his parents with the kids

amyhamster · 29/07/2014 09:31

I will remember that when I am left alone with them 4 days with no help and I have to man up and get on with it

Or go & stay with your inlaws !

RiverTam · 29/07/2014 09:32

can you explain how he is not being responsible, then? Because I really can't see it.

When you're back at work then, no, he can't do that. But why shouldn't he when he can?

Your last comment is silly.

HaroldLloyd · 29/07/2014 09:34

I still don't get your point to be honest.

It sounds to me like you want him to have no help because you have no help? So you want him to "suffer" a bit.

Like you said when your back in work he will have to get on with it so it's not a huge issue that he is going to his mums this time.

It's not helping you if he has no help when you are away it's only helping you if you have more help when your on your own.

MyballsareSandy · 29/07/2014 09:55

I think this has more to do with your mum's dementia than your DHs perceived lack of responsibility.

HaroldLloyd · 29/07/2014 09:57

I know it's not the same as having your own mum to go to but couldn't you go to your in laws for the day sometimes to break things up when your on your own?

ohdearitshappeningtome · 29/07/2014 09:58

Tell u what why don't you just ltb then you can really truly be resentful !!

HopefulHamster · 29/07/2014 10:01

I understand how you feel OP - you have struggled and had good and bad days and done it all on your own for so long. If your husband had a week like that you could sit down and empathise with one another and maybe he'd be more sympathetic when you are left to it.

On the other hand, I'm not sure it's that different from when I have my son and go to play dates and groups and other social things that my husband doesn't have the same kind of access to (as I have a big group of friends from being on leave/working part time and he doesn't). So if his mum and dad came over I wouldn't generally begrudge it.

I would if he did it every time but you don't know if that's going to happen yet.

If he's travelling 200 miles to do that it is a bit extreme mind! But maybe his parents have asked/would love it anyway.

Flexibilityisquay · 29/07/2014 10:04

I don't think any one is saying you should man up and get on with it. If you are struggling when you are on your own with them, the two of you need to sit down and work out a way to make it easier for you. If you aren't struggling, then I don't see the problem. Making his life harder while you are away, will do absolutely nothing to make your life easier.

OnlyLovers · 29/07/2014 10:08

I'm always puzzled by the number of posters on here who talk about the shite things their partners do or don't do regarding the kids, and then hasten to add 'He's a great dad.'

I'm sure you never hear anyone say 'She chooses not to look after our children on her own ... but she's a great mum.'

OP, you're right, he needs to man up. Taking them to see the GPs is one thing, but taking them because he can't be arsed looking after HIS children is quite another. And if his mum agrees to do night feeds she is a mug.

Oh, and those talking about business trips being easy and not really work can take a hike.

Surfsup1 · 29/07/2014 10:18

But lots of Mums choose not to look after their children on their own! They have their Mums/sisters/aunts/nannies/au pairs etc to help them. And lots of those (lucky) Mums are EXCELLENT mums!

VFXdad · 29/07/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd · 29/07/2014 10:24

Maybe remove the telly as well, really get him working. Grin

RaspberryWhip24 · 29/07/2014 10:24

Is he driving 200 miles on the Sunday and driving back 200miles on the Monday? If so, that is awful.

OnlyLovers · 29/07/2014 10:27

It's about the share of the work, though. The OP says he's done two night feeds in eight months and she spends a lot of time looking after the kids on her own.

She just wants him to share it. I imagine she wants him to understand what she means when he gets back from somewhere and she's been looking after the kids and she tells him she's bone-tired. I don't think that's unreasonable.

And I think she has spent much more time looking after the kids alone than his Tues–Thur stint.

VFXdad · 29/07/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 29/07/2014 10:47

No, he can't travel 200 miles every time he gets stuck.

But it's one day, we're talking about here.

Presumably the other days he will be getting both DC up, getting them ready, getting them to nursery, doing a full days work, picking them up, giving them dinner, giving them baths, getting them ready for bed, then doing a bit of tidying up in the evening? That's looking after them, isn't it?

So going home to his mum for a night is hardly not taking care of them at all.

I'm confused. When I opened this thread I thought it was going to be about him never, ever spending time with his DC. But this is one trip away, presumably your first trip away - what's wrong with him going to his parents the first time?

It reads as if you want him to sit alone in the house with the two DC for 24 hours straight - because that more adequately replicates what you have been doing during maternity leave. As if you're thinking 'I've had miserable days, I WANT you to have a miserable day too'.

If that's the case then you're not being unreasonable to want him to understand what life has been like for you, but this is not the way to do. Also, I'd say it means there are bigger problems allround, either with the way you work as a parenting team, or how you've found maternity leave.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/07/2014 11:17

"I honestly can say I don't think I would be totally happy leaving DS on his own with his father for any length of time. It's my own fault as I find it easier to do it all myself - then I know it's done right."

I wonder how many of these situations are caused by the above attitude, several of my friends rope in anyone when their DW/DP goes away and they all had very little to do with the children ion the early days. (Two of them admit to being "shit scared" when they are left alone with the kids). OTOH the dads that I know that have always been involved don't do this.

HaroldLloyd · 29/07/2014 11:24

If she wants him to share the work more that's one issue, why does it make a tiny bit if difference what he does when she isn't even there? Who cares?

I would rather address more help when I am around, than even worry about what he is doing when I am not even there, and I would actually be pleased the children are having a visit up to their grandparents, rather than being sat at home because of some notion that I want DP to have a hard time?

Don't get it at all.

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