Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

188 replies

TerrifiedMothertobe · 28/07/2014 21:14

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

OP posts:
LayMeDown · 29/07/2014 07:24

If my H was going on a week long business trip& I would probably go to my folks for at least one night. It's good to have support and a helping hand. I would take a very dim view if he got annoyed at me doing this. Like it is some sort of parenting test to stay alone with them for the whole time.
If you are going to be travelling a lot he'll have plenty of opportunity to have 3 of them alone. Who says he has to do it the first time. He is probably nervous if he hasn't done it before. It's ok to use support if it's available.
Anyway he'll be dealing with the two of them all evenings and mornings and doing night feeds Mon Tues and weds night at a min.

toomuchtooold · 29/07/2014 07:25

I have sympathy for you both. I have twins and work 3 days a week and the two "non-working" days when I'm solo with them still sometimes scare the shit out of me. But yes, I think he needs to man up. My OH has also not had mine alone too many times but when he did his confidence with them increased massively.

nooka · 29/07/2014 07:26

OP when your dh visits his parents do they do everything for him, and he just relaxes perhaps? When I visited my parents with my two I still was primary carer, just with company and help. I wasn't palming them off, just sharing them (and the work too granted) my parents were very happy to support us, felt like a win win really. I still missed dh like blazes, and it was still a lot more work than having the two of us at home.

kilmuir · 29/07/2014 07:27

How bizarre. I have 4 children, and take them to see my mum. Yes its nice to have someone to help a bit. Why shouldn't he take them.? Some women are not good at coping on their own with children, you sound jealous.
He is being responsible. Does he have to stay in all day with them? Why do you say he is palming them off? You need to have a good look at how ridiculous you sound. Not a competition

kilmuir · 29/07/2014 07:29

Would you say to a woman who was worried about coping to ' man up' as you call it?

longjane · 29/07/2014 07:33

I would be using the in laws a lot so that when he asked they get fed up and say no.

WanderingTrolley1 · 29/07/2014 07:34

I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

It's just one day, which'll be good for all involved.

LayMeDown · 29/07/2014 07:38

So he's going Sunday night. Giving you an evening to alone to prepare for your trip and an undisturbed night sleep.
He'll be back Monday evening and have to do dinner, baths and bedtime and all night feeds. Do morning rush and nursery drop offs on Tuesday. Work all day. Then pick ups and bedtimes and night feeds. Baby all day Weds and the two if the morning and evening and night feeds. Morning rush and nursery drop offs on Thursday. Work all day. Home to nursery pick up and put two of them to bed.
It's not a schedule I'd be relishing if I'm honest. It's tough doing all that by yourself. I think it will give him a very good grounding in mending the two of them and he will be fine if he has to in the future. Cut him some slack

museumum · 29/07/2014 07:38

My husband takes ds to visit his mum when he has him. Partly for company, I have "mum" friends to hang out with with babies a similar age which he doesn't, partly to just see his mum, and partly I think to show ds off - he is really quite proud of our wee boy and only grannies appreciate kids quite like parents do :)

Saltedcaramel2014 · 29/07/2014 07:39

I do see where you're coming from but I really don't think this is that bad. In fact it makes sense - GPs will probably be v happy to see the kids and he gets some support looking after them. I really believe in that 'takes a village to raise a child' thing and don't think it's weak to ask for help. My partner was out with friends on Sunday and I took DS to my mum's - it was easier and more fun. If he'd had z go at me about that I'd have found it pretty harsh! Strength and good parenting are not only about soldiering on alone. It sounds like you are a bit fed up (and having done 8 months of night feeds too I hear you on that) - but focusing on this specific issue doesn't seem like the best way of addressing any resentment you might be feeling towards your DP. Could you talk more generally about how he could support you/share parenting/give you what you need?

ChippyMinton · 29/07/2014 07:40

In this house, whoever is in sole charge decides how they are going to parent. It works for us and DH and I have very different parenting styles.
I choose not to criticise as I recognise that DH taking charge allows me to do what I want or need to do. And vice versa.

Floccinaucinihilipilificate · 29/07/2014 07:48

I would never take my children to my inlaws, it's my job to look after them, not to palm them off on someone else.

This is a really weird statement. Pretty high in the martyr stakes. Fair enough if you don't like your in-laws and don't want to spend time with them without your DH, but to not take your dc to see them because you consider it 'palming them off' is punishing yourself for no good reason.

PinkSquash · 29/07/2014 07:56

I had just DS1 when H went away, I spent a lot of time alone and I wouldn't recommend it if you want to keep your sanity.

Hakluyt · 29/07/2014 08:00

"I would never take my children to my inlaws, it's my job to look after them, not to palm them off on someone else."

That is one of the most depressing things I have ever read. Since when has children visiting grandparents been "palming them off"? Sad

I will never,never understand how some people think/live.

Surfsup1 · 29/07/2014 08:11

"I would never take my children to my inlaws, it's my job to look after them, not to palm them off on someone else."

Whoa! Where did you get that idea? Ever heard the expression "it takes a village to raise a child"?
Unless there is something wrong with your in-laws why would you not gratefully accept any help that is available?

larrygrylls · 29/07/2014 08:19

If being a parent had a job description, high up would be:

'Take them to relations (unless they are toxic) and good friends often.'

Guitargirl · 29/07/2014 08:20

Taking your children to visit their grandparents is not palming them off on someone else. Come on OP, you must know how ridiculous that sounds. How is taking his children to his parents for one day not taking responsibility? You sound as though you have lost all perspective.

EugenesAxe · 29/07/2014 08:21

I think it's a case of what you're used to and laziness. I notice that as soon as DH is with his or my DPs, or any of our various siblings, he broadly thinks someone else will pick up the children in terms of their needs or behaviour. It drives me a bit bonkers TBH when we are at PILs; they are fantastic and regularly give both of us a break, but often it's really noticeable how DH's parenting goes off the boil because he wants to have a conversation with his DF or whoever... you frequently see me dashing around the beach trying to stop them falling in a rockpool or walking into the sea. The one time he was 'watching' one of them they walked into a waterfall...

I am a SAHM and have the attitude that nothing is beyond us as a group, otherwise I wouldn't go anywhere. But my confidence on that score has grown over time as I know the DCs better, and what they can cope with/ are likely to do. DH doesn't and is generally is a worrier, so tends to stay at home with them if I'm not around.

Don't get me wrong - I am lazy too if I get the chance. If DH is away on a weekend I will frequently try to get relatives or a friend over to give me a break, but that's because otherwise it'll be me and a 2 and 4yo for 12 days. But DH works and needs a break at the weekend too; if his DPs or mine were free to come over when he had charge of the children for the bulk of a day, neither he nor I would begrudge him that.

ShoeWhore · 29/07/2014 08:21

I'm a sahm so well used to looking after dcs on my own. When my dcs were small I nearly always got my parents over when dh went away overnight. They helped me loads.

I'm clearly a bad mother! Grin Confused

You sound really fed up though OP - maybe time for a broader conversation about how things are going to be when you're back at work?

clam · 29/07/2014 08:37

Have we established why he's taking them to his parents'? Is it for them to look after the kids so he can sit down and watch the cricket, or is it for company and a change of scene?
If it's the first, I might see a bit of where you're coming from (only a bit though, because if he's on his own with them for a week, a couple of hours with the cricket is probably deserved); the latter, then YABU.

ChaChaChaChanges · 29/07/2014 08:41

Oh come on OP. You said upthread that you want him to "feel the pain".

That's like saying "I've stubbed my toe, so you go and stub yours".

JustAShopGirl · 29/07/2014 08:43

Sounds reasonable to me - knows his limitations, gets some help and some company when he wants/needs it - what's wrong with that, why would you expect him to be a martyr and soldier on on his own when he doesn't have to.

I ask for help if I need it, I ring a friend to come round and share the hassle, take them to my mum's - whatever. Sounds like he is planning ahead. I really wouldn't have a problem with this at all and would probably applaud it.

bookcave · 29/07/2014 09:07

I don't see the problem. I'm a SAHM with preschooler DC and school-age DC. I'm making sure that I have friends with kids round twice a week during the hols so that the DC can all play together in the garden while I sit on the patio with the mum and chat while supervising.

DH would be very likely to see his mum if I was away as it would be a chance for him, her and the DC to spend time together without me having to endure her (I'm not a MIL-hater but she's horrible to me and I have no wish to spend more time than I need in her company). I'd see it as a win-win.

Flexibilityisquay · 29/07/2014 09:10

I wonder if you are focussing on the wrong thing here OP? It sounds like you feel you are left to deal with the DC's all the time with little support and you resent that. If that is the case something needs to change.

What your DP does on one day while you are away is really irrelevant. It is coming across as if you feel you are suffering so he should too. Maybe you need to rearrange the way things work so you are more supported, and not left resenting him and wanting him to suffer. Ideally you should both be on the same side, working as a team.

RiverTam · 29/07/2014 09:21

is he palming them off - I mean, is he leaving the DC at his parents while he goes off and does something else? Or are all 3 of them spending a couple of days at his parents? Because those 2 scenarios are not the same at all.

And I love the fact that you keep saying that for one day he'll 'just' have the baby. Well, I found looking after a single baby really difficult, I struggled with just about everything, weaning, napping - the only thing I felt confident in was bfing.

If he wasn't taking responsibility for his children he would have arranged to leave them at his parents, and to extend their days in nursery. He has done neither of these things. He is looking after his children how he wants to.

If his parents are nearby, why not go and spend time with them? Or friends, or anyone? You seem to be veering on making a total mummy-martyr of yourself, and there's no reason to do that.

Tell me - has your DH ever dictated how you should care for the children, where you should take them, what you should do with them, who you should hang out with? Or has he left you to do what you consider to be best?