The question of inheritance

[tiggerkid]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is really the right thread for this but can't think of any other to discuss the topic of inheritance.

Recently my sister-in-law and her husband announced that she is pregnant with her 3rd child and because they need a bigger house to accommodate, they will be moving into my MIL's house, who has a much larger property. Naturally, they understand that this move will raise the issue of inheritance, so they decided to sell their house and give us a small proportion of the value of their house on the grounds that they will still need money to look after MIL and renovate her house to their taste. The house is currently decorated to MIL's taste and, apart from the fact that it's cosmetically old fashioned, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. MIL is certainly happy with it the way it is because she's been doing various work on and off in keeping with her own taste.

At present, MIL doesn't need any looking after. She is in excellent health and is of sound mind, so as far as we are concerned, they only want to move in to extend their living space so to speak. Because they live nearer MIL, they've had plenty of opportunity to talk her into this idea and convince her that it will be paradise on Earth once they all move in together.

While I completely understand and agree that the party looking after ageing parent absolutely needs a bigger share of any inheritance, am I being unreasonable believing that 1) it should be a discussion involving all parties affected by such a decision 2) any agreed value of our share of inheritance should be based on the value of MIL's property rather than the smaller house that my sister-in-law is seeking to move out of? and 3) the question of keeping large sums of money to redecorate the house to sister-in-law's taste should be out of the question because it has nothing to do with looking after ageing parents?

Sorry for the long message but I just find it so unfair that my sis-in-law just decided to move into a bigger house to improve her living conditions and keep 80% of the value of their own house to do whatever they want to do without ever discussing it with us or giving us any opportunity to speak about this. MIL has only mentioned it to us in passing and doesn't want to discuss this any further because she wants to avoid confrontation. The only thing she said was: well you, guys, are financially better off than they are anyway, which made me even more annoyed and upset. If there is a reason why we are financially better off, it is because my husband and I work our butts off while my sister-in-law sits on her backside playing on Facebook all day long. It feels like MIL believes that we need to be punished and penalised for our hard work while my sister-in-law needs to be rewarded for her Facebook efforts.

I know in the end it is MIL's decision and, unfortunately, one that appears to be driven by my sister-in-law exploiting MIL's fear of being left alone in her old age. Although I doubt that we can do much to change the situation, I am struggling to keep discussing this with my husband as I don't want to upset him but I do need some emotional support and understanding, hence this post. Thank you, all.

My PIL did exactly this - signed over a six-bedroomed house to BIL (who has lived rent free with them all his life, plus been fed and watered at their expense, along with his wife and three children!)

DH's sisters were given a small amount of cash.

DH was given nothing as we had a house of our own, whereas BI L hadn't!

We have a house because we worked and saved for it. BIL also works but has always spent his money on holidays, cars and designer clothes for himself and his wife and children. He bought each child a brand new car as soon as they passed their driving test. He has always pleaded poverty with his parents, who have always felt sorry for him.

FIL is now in his late nineties and receives very perfunctory care from BI L and his wife. When he was in hospital recently they didn't visit him.

The family has fallen apart because of FI L's unfair treatment of his children. DH resents his brother, the sisters resent him too as they feel cheated, and BI L charges his father five hundred pounds a month for his food (FI L has the appetite of a sparrow) and also receives from him a further five hundred as a contribution to his Dd's school fees. Basically, he is making sure he gets all his pension.

There is nothing we can do about the situation, but DH is extremely hurt - he had always been a dutiful son and generous with his parents. Now he feels as though he is not part of the family.

I would definitely seek legal advice about the proposed situation with your MI L, for her sake as well as your DH's, this Is all going to be very messy and unpleasant.

It's nothing to do with you, you are owed no inheritance (especially not before she's even dead!) Neither is SIL.

Butt out and leave it to your husband, his brother and their mother.

What do you mean it has nothing to do with her? The outcome of this hugely affects her life. She is obviously an interested party (in both positive and negative sense).

Nobody is owed anything, of course. And if the MIL decides she wants to give the lot to some charity, or all to one child, that's of course her decision. But that should be HER decision, not SIL's. The OP perceives SIL is effecting this far more than she should.

@OP it seems like the best you can do ask your DH to sort it and chat with his mum, as there is no way you won't be perceived (even possibly by your DH) as the grabby DIL. you say your MIL wants to avoid confrontation, but her avoiding confrontation may have a serious impact on DH and his BIL's relationship. She may clearly say she prefers your BIL gets the lion share of it, and you will of course have to live with it. I think the only way to resolve this is MIL, DH and BIL sit down and have a chat otherwise what happened to RedNosedClone may happen to you.

Them giving you part of the sale of their house is obviously to make things right in their head. If you accept it, that might be thrown in your face later.

RedNoseClone, has your DH thought about asking for advice from somewhere like Age Concern. I think that could be financial abuse and could warrant investigation by Social Services. A dark part of me would also recommend making sure that the tax man is aware of the situation after your FIL has died so that your BIL doesn't get away with tax evasion too, as the house will still count as your FIL's estate if he has continued to live in it after giving it away.

writtenguarantee, as DH has already attempted to have this conversation and MIL wouldn't hear anything about the possibility of this plan turning sour, doesn't want any further debate on this and said BIL and SIL will finalise everything and contact DH when all is done and dusted, I have already butted out to to speak. I certainly don't think I am owed or entitled to anything here. However, you are right, it is highly likely to have a considerable impact on all our lives and is more than likely to result in two brothers not speaking to each other ever again. And that's not necessarily the worst or the last of it.

As to why this thread is still running, kinky, I can only assume that it would be because this is a discussion board and that's what people are doing, having a discussion. It's not that we can put the world to right here but many topics raise commercial, moral, emotional and other dilemmas, so it's not just the question of the so called entitlement that people have and would like to offer their opinions on. And I never felt any of this entitlement anyway. I said many times here that it was MIL, who started it and defined the whole saga in terms of inheritance, hence, the term. Even if I don't resolve anything, I personally found it very helpful and useful to hear everyone's views and opinions and it has given me some perspective on certain points. For example, I certainly don't intend to contribute to any more of MIL's house repairs or holidays to start with and whether MIL wants it or not, I will ask DH to seek tax and legal advise for his own sake to understand where he stands should he accept or not accept any part of this so called inheritance. Many posters have also offered me a sense of personal peace of mind when I realised that not everyone is thinking that I am the only person in the world, who would be hurt by the actions of BIL and SIL and, for that, I am grateful.

Agree with GrowlLikeMargeSimpson, also, really importantly, protect yourselves financially and emotionally. You are not treated well by the family and its painful for you to have that brought to light now, but use the information that you are not valued wisely. On the plus time you will now have more time for DIY on your own house and the cost of half a holiday every year :)

We aren't in the UK, there is no set-up like Age Concern here.

My FI L is still compos mentis as far as we can tell. He created this situation himself by choosing one child over the others. Seems to me he made a bad choice but has to live with it.

He obviously knows that the family is ripped apart with all the siblings either not speaking at all (a situation that has lasted more than 15 years!) or else speaking reluctantly and simmering with resentment.

I have no idea if this bothers him at all, when my DH has brought up the subject he has merely said he didn't expect anyone to react like that

What do you mean it has nothing to do with her? The outcome of this hugely affects her life.

It will affect how much money she gets as an inheritance, but should have no say in that at all.
The only thing that should matter is that her MIL's interests are protected, but the OP's interests should have no bearing on that decision.

I agree that your mil should take independent legal advice and execute a will to make her wishes clear. Her solicitor will then talk her through the pros and cons of making a lifetime gift of the house.

If she won't take legal advice, then you can't make her. And if it goes sour after her death both sides will end up incurring legal costs to unravel the mess she's left behind.

Have you said anywhere that your mil ever visits you>?or comes to your house....

if so I would arrange for solicitor to come round.

are they close her and your dh? does he call her, do you spend any family time together?

have you said anywhere if your DH has said to his mother how much he has paid for her in the past etc...

does dh speak to his brother?
are they, were they ever close, can you all meet sans mil and chat about this?

It will affect how much money she gets as an inheritance, but should have no say in that at all.
The only thing that should matter is that her MIL's interests are protected, but the OP's interests should have no bearing on that decision.

Agreed. I think that's what i said.

Its difficult but I don't think its the right thing to stand by and let a disaster unfold for fear of appearing grabby. There seem to be legitimate concerns about the proposed set up, regardless of the eventual inheritance situation.