The question of inheritance

[tiggerkid]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is really the right thread for this but can't think of any other to discuss the topic of inheritance.

Recently my sister-in-law and her husband announced that she is pregnant with her 3rd child and because they need a bigger house to accommodate, they will be moving into my MIL's house, who has a much larger property. Naturally, they understand that this move will raise the issue of inheritance, so they decided to sell their house and give us a small proportion of the value of their house on the grounds that they will still need money to look after MIL and renovate her house to their taste. The house is currently decorated to MIL's taste and, apart from the fact that it's cosmetically old fashioned, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. MIL is certainly happy with it the way it is because she's been doing various work on and off in keeping with her own taste.

At present, MIL doesn't need any looking after. She is in excellent health and is of sound mind, so as far as we are concerned, they only want to move in to extend their living space so to speak. Because they live nearer MIL, they've had plenty of opportunity to talk her into this idea and convince her that it will be paradise on Earth once they all move in together.

While I completely understand and agree that the party looking after ageing parent absolutely needs a bigger share of any inheritance, am I being unreasonable believing that 1) it should be a discussion involving all parties affected by such a decision 2) any agreed value of our share of inheritance should be based on the value of MIL's property rather than the smaller house that my sister-in-law is seeking to move out of? and 3) the question of keeping large sums of money to redecorate the house to sister-in-law's taste should be out of the question because it has nothing to do with looking after ageing parents?

Sorry for the long message but I just find it so unfair that my sis-in-law just decided to move into a bigger house to improve her living conditions and keep 80% of the value of their own house to do whatever they want to do without ever discussing it with us or giving us any opportunity to speak about this. MIL has only mentioned it to us in passing and doesn't want to discuss this any further because she wants to avoid confrontation. The only thing she said was: well you, guys, are financially better off than they are anyway, which made me even more annoyed and upset. If there is a reason why we are financially better off, it is because my husband and I work our butts off while my sister-in-law sits on her backside playing on Facebook all day long. It feels like MIL believes that we need to be punished and penalised for our hard work while my sister-in-law needs to be rewarded for her Facebook efforts.

I know in the end it is MIL's decision and, unfortunately, one that appears to be driven by my sister-in-law exploiting MIL's fear of being left alone in her old age. Although I doubt that we can do much to change the situation, I am struggling to keep discussing this with my husband as I don't want to upset him but I do need some emotional support and understanding, hence this post. Thank you, all.

kinkyfuckery, we did talk about this and TBH we are both hurt by the fact that we weren't part of this decision in any way, shape or form. My husband is a softer person in the family, so his opinions and feelings often get neglected in favour of those who have a louder mouth.
Yet every time MIL goes on holiday, SIL duly turns to us and asks us to contribute 50% of the cost. Any time MIL's house needs repairs, we also get duly called upon and my husband drives for 3 hours one way to MIL's house to assist with repairs. When MIL needed assistance with her divorce, it was me and my husband who had to deal with all the paperwork to finalise this and make sure her interests are protected. When MIL wanted to redecorate her bathroom, we were required to contribute to the cost of materials and help out with work. And these are just few examples. Yet when it comes to anything else, nobody asks my husband about his feelings at all. Yes, maybe I am mean, money grubbing cow but somehow I can't help feeling hurt by all this.

If I were the OP's DH I'd be royally pissed off. Not because I actually wanted the money per se but because I was being penalised for working hard and providing for myself whilst my sibling did nothing and then breezes in and gets (a) free accomodation and then (b) the asset because she couldn't be bothered to do the same. And I'd be considering myself screwed over by my sister.

In any event if your MIL thinks she can avoid inheritance tax this requires careful planning and professional advice. If she transfers the house to SIL prior to death but retains a legal right to live in the property then the IHT may not evaporate. And if she doesn't retain such a right then she risks being booted out by SIL as legal owner if they fall out at a later point.

Why are you paying for mils holidays?

wink1970, SIL doesn't want to buy MIL's house because this would involve her spending money, which she doesn't want to do. SIL's house is currently mortgage free as is MIL's house, so SIL wants a simple mortgage free move to a bigger property. Therefore, she is going to sell her house keeping most of the proceeds to manage as she wishes. MIL instructed her to give something to my husband and SIL is free to decided what that is.

I find it really distasteful when people talk about inheritance and unfairness of inheritance whilst the person is still alive. Even after death I find it distasteful when people start arguing about inheritance and who got a bigger share etc.

But that's what adult children do isn't it? Help out if they can and want to, but don't expect a penny in return.

But that's insane. Why would she think she's entitled to a free house at your Mils expense?

I am gobsmacked actually, inheritance or not.

EleanorHandbasket, why are we paying for MIL's holidays? Haha, God knows but every year SIL calls us and says MIL is going on holiday, so we have to contribute 50% of the cost. Like I said, my husband is quite a soft person and he sees it as a nice thing to do for his mum, so we are doing it.

You don't get to have a say in what someone does with their property and possessions after they die. That's all there is to it. I'm sick of people eying up the estates of living relatives.

OP, then in that case I'd start refusing to contribute to the holidays and housing repairs. Presumably you won't be expected to do the latter once the SIL is in situ?

Good luck with it. You're going to be accused of money-grabbing on here but it sounds like the SIL is one with assumptions. Leave them to it, and put all that effort/money you were spending into your own home instead.

How old is your MIL OP?

Really what SIL should do is give Mil the proceeds from her own house sale. I can't understand how anyone thinks it's fair that she gets given a house for free AND keeps her own mortgage free profit.

Vivacia, and we have so far always helped without any expectation of anything. Still it doesn't stop me from feeling hurt by the fact that when it did come to discussing the topic, my husband, who has always duly played the role of a decent son, is pretty much being left out of any discussion. Yes, it may be wrong and nasty but I guess not many of us can help the way we feel.

That arrangement is leaving your MIL very vulnerable. She is insane to hand over a major asset while your SIL keeps her money and gets the house. MIL needs good legal advice ASAP.

How SIL and her DH work their finances out is nothing to do with you. Her DH at least must be working hard if they live in a mortgage free house at the moment.

Do you know for a fact what SIL and her DH contribute to your MIL? You live 3hrs away so do you know what happens regularly?

YANBU to feel miffed.

It isn't about the amount of inheritance at the end of the day, it's about being treated equally with your siblings. It's hurtful when parents choose to give much more to one child than the other/s. Of course it is their right to choose what to do with their own money, but that doesn't stop it being extremely hurtful.

It's easy to polish your halo and tell other someone they are being grabby or cheeky to consider matters of inheritance when it isn't happening to you. But would those people really feel the same if it was their own children being treated so unequally. Given the amount of hoo-hah there is about the slightest whiff of unfairness when it comes to our precious children (think 100% attendance prizes for example), I think not.

Is your DH too wet to deal with this? It sounds as if you think SIL is running rings around both DH and MIL and grabbing all the money, and your DH is either too dumb, too wet, ir too uninterested to step in and talk about it.

For those saying inheritances shouldn't be discussed, the mil brought it all up.

It seems very odd and I think you should suggest your mil sees a solicitor for advice. Fundamentally if she wants to give your SIL more than DH then that's her choice but SIL does appear to be having her cake and eating it.

Does Mil even want her house redecorated to SIL's taste

The holiday thing is very odd too.

EarthWindFire, no I don't know. They just ask us to contribute and we do. We also regularly give her money at Christmas and for her birthdays. Again, before I am accused of being a money grabbing witch, I am not expecting anything in return but would like to mention that my husband and I don't get anything from MIL for either Christmas or our birthdays. However, I do feel that every now and then a card would be nice. Just to say she remembers we exist, you know.

I think you need to get together with MIL and talk about this properly, it all seems to be happening in the background, and she's going along with something that has serious legal implications with zero proper advice.

Your DH, his DB, and MIL ought to be arranging to talk to a lawyer about this. Just 'giving' her house to one son isn't a good way of dealing with the legal and financial aspects.

And as to why you are paying out for holidays and house repairs.... is MIL just one of these women who is so hopeless at anything practical that she has no idea how to budget like normal people?

I think all you can really do in this situation is to take the moral high ground and say that you would strongly advise your MIL not to do this without taking legal advice first. Also say that you will not accept any money at this stage from either your MIL or your SIL as doing so would be a tacit agreement to the arrangement. Say that any inheritance after her death is entirely your MIL choice and she should make her will to reflect that.

TBH is sounds as though you will save a bundle by not having to contribute to holidays and decoration in the future. If it happens it's a massive get-out opportunity for you, SIL got a whole house for free so she can cover your MIL's costs. If you accept any money at all you will probably end up paying it back and more in 'costs'.

I started off thinking that YABU but the more I read it seems a disastrous and unfair situation. Unfortunately your husband has obviously been walked over for years and he either needs to find a backbone and tell his mother how he feels or you need to accept it. I certainly would not be contributing to any more holidays / repairs - that's madness. You've basically been paying for repairs for years and those repairs will now benefit your SIL.

Is SIL your MIL's daughter or DIL? If so she sounds like she's the favourite.

I do generally agree that people have no right to an inheritance but in this situation I can understand why you are angry and hurt. I also hate the attitude that you help out the family member who hasn't managed to get their own life and career in order (unless there are reasons such as severe illness) - it does seem like a punishment for having worked hard. The inept family member quite often squanders away the asset they receive - I have seen this happen twice in real life.

Permanentlyexhausted, thank you for your understanding. Hurt is exactly what I feel here. It's much less about the money at this stage and much more about the treatment of the whole situation.

AMumInScotland, lawyer is out of the question. SIL has it all in her hands and doesn't want any lawyers. I am guessing it's because she knows that the advice we get may not be quite as favourable as the agreement she reached with MIL herself.

MIL isn't hopeless when it comes to money. She tends to be quite tight, in fact, and doesn't like to spend any money. Especially if there is any opportunity that someone else might be able to help her pay for holidays and repairs. She, in fact, is one of those people who take Christmas gifts back to get refunds in order to keep money. This is the reason why we stopped buying her gifts and started giving her money instead. We know what she likes :)

Really surprised at how little focus is on the fact that perhaps, just maybe and for whatever reason, MIL wants it to be this way?

But no, immediately it's 'she needs a lawyer' etc.

YANBU. You and your husband are being done over by your SIL. I guess your MIL is thinking anything for a quiet life. It's for your husband to sort out though.