To smoke in the garden at a party?

[fber]

I lit up at a family bbq yesterday. Outside, big garden. The hostess (an inlaw) went a bit off her head and jumped from out of her own arse to right down my throat. Very publicly. There were children there, but they were playing a good way away. I have always done this at her parties, but now she has moved to a different, bigger house (it was a housewarming) it seems the goalposts have moved quite considerably. I was angry and upset at being shouted at like a kid. It's a party, right? A boozy housewarming (her words not mine).

Am I a social pariah?

AIBU?

Blubirdy - Of course children will see people smoke and that's not in itself a terrible thing. It's smoking near children which is not right for obvious health reasons. Same thing with smoking near people eating, it's just unpleasant and unhealthy therefore the smoker should avoid if

Lolleta, I wasn't laughing at you (well, maybe I was laughing at all of you who get so worked up over something so trivial) but I was laughing at the person upthread, MaryWhitehouse or something her nickname was, who said smoking isn't socially accpetable in front of dcs. I can't not laugh at that. It is funny. Sad, intolerant, hysterical, over-protective to a very alarming degree, but still hilarious!

Ok, my first post. I'm a non smoker (I hate it with a passion) I would never choose to be around a smoker but......some of my friends do. I wish I could just say no when they ask if they can smoke in the garden (what they really mean is the doorway so it stinks the house out anyway) but....I want my friends to be comfy in my home so I agree to it....it really pees me off though, when they don't ask for an ash tray as they obviously just intend to chuck it on the floor (fir me to pick up the next morning)

Don't smoke in MY house! Get away! Or words to that effect. I can't remember exactly, I was a bit pissed :)

it really pees me off though, when they don't ask for an ash tray as they obviously just intend to chuck it on the floor (fir me to pick up the next morning)

although my smoker friends never dumped cig butts in my garden (one always stamped them out with his shoe and put them in the bin, one used a wee vaseline tin she carried around with her), I bought cheap ashtrays with removable lids in the poundland. They were 3 for a pound. I have one at my backdoor, one at my front door, and one at the garden table where smokers usually sit. I just turn them upside down when not in use. Although I don't view myself as the best hostess in the world, I just find it common sense manners to provide an ashtray (or an old jam jar, empty soup tin) for them to use as an ashtray. If they don't ask..... why don't you just PROVIDE ? It's not really rocket science. When I see a kid sniff snot back up.... I don't come on to mumsnet and moan. I give them a hanky and ask them to blow "as you know auntie blubirdy hates snots going up the way".

I would never dump the butts on the floor. Never had and never would. The ash, well come on, it's grass?

My ma and pa used to throw parties sometimes. They were both non smokers (my mum had a heart condition too) but my dad used to buy these ace round packets of JPS in 50s - they were in pots shaped like johnsons cotton buds - granted it was back in the 80s but still... even back then I thought, wow, that's hospitable :)

I suppose that's the reference point I'm working from...

It's not pathetic to not want to your children to watch family members smoke. You don't see smoking in movies and tv for a reason.

But that's the nanny state though? Hypocrisy itself!

If someone says 'do you mind if I smoke' I happily provide an ashtray (as I said, I want my friends to feel comfy in my home) but as a house of non smokers I don't leave them lying around (why would I?) - so if someone just starts smoking and hasn't 'asked' (or mentioned it) I don't necessarily notice until I smell it....and then I have to pick up fag ends the next morning....i don't think that's unreasonable bb? If they had a bag of crisps I fount they'd chuck the packet on the floor!

I doubt not fount!

She shouldn't have shouted but asked nicely.

YANBU

Fber - it's not "the nanny state" - it's that cultural norms have changed, people don't want children seeing adults smoking. It's not that the bulk of society have no problems with children seeing adults smoking and just someone in whitehall thought they'd like to stop it, it's that the bulk of parents do care.

As I said, the social norms around smoking has changed over the last 20 years, it's gone from being ok to smoke at your desk in many offices, to having smoking rooms, to no smoking indoors, to smoking being something the bulk of society don't do anymore.

It's now around only 20% of the population smoke, it used to be more than half, it's a big change in a generation, and it's mostly poorer people who smoke, so if your family is many middle class professionals, the rates of smokers they are around is likely to be a lot less than 20%.

For a lot of people, it's not normal part of life anymore. Thinking about accomodating smokers isn't something a lot of non-smokers have to do - and besides, most smokers are aware they are in the minority, are at a non-smokers house and if they really couldn't wait, would ask .

And it is bad manners to smoke around other people's children. Most people don't want their children to think of smoking as a normal acceptable thing to do. So seeing a relative smoke would have more impact than someone on the street.

But it's ok for them to watch the parents getting pissed on the country's most abused legal drug? Do me a favour.

Never mind the children, I don't want to be sitting next to someone smoking. Ive just enjoyed my dinner, will be enjoying a glass of wine, and I don't want to smell your cigarette. Step away from people, stand downwind and have your cigarette, then come back to the table.

Fber, I don't understand your comment about the nanny state / hypocrisy itself? What do you mean?

Fber, why are you being argumentative? You got a very reasonable explanation of "why" people feel it's not acceptable. We don't know your family and drip feeding to suggest they all get drunk around children and think this is acceptable adds nothing to the explanation from the other poster.

Though does make me wonder how much of this was just a couple of tipsy people having a row, rather than anything to do with actual smoking.

I don't smoke but find some of the comments on here quite extraordinary! I agree it's smelly, unhealthy blah blah blah but is someone having a cigarette so offensive? You'd think they were jacking up! The only person I know who's vaguely like this is my aunt who once started coughing (falsely) as someone was smoking three tables away outside a cafe just off Oxford Street (as, of course, the air quality there would be wonderful otherwise)

My mate does that silly fake cough Nancery. We just laugh and smoke twice as much

Is secondhand smoke from a cigarette more dangerous than the smoke coming off the grill? Honest question, grills put off a lot of smoke, and presumably the grill was somewhere in the backyard near the children.

Very funny thread. I had a friend basically tell me off for having a cigarette on my own property because her dc might see. They weren't even around. They were indoors watching tv. I demurred. This intolerance is pretty depressing.

Ah, she's been drinking, so now you know why she shouted, she's probably always hated you smoking at her house, being drunk and annoyed you didn't ask, she shouted rather than swallow her annoyance and ask you politely to stop as she would if sober.

There you go, your inlaws hate you smoking at their house, sober they are polite about it, drunk they'll tell you they hate it. You'll know for next time that if you ask and they say "o course" they don't really mean it.

Being drunk in front of awake dcs also is pretty crap.