To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

Is 75 words at 2.5 not many though?
Ds said bugger all until he was over two, and maybe 75 words at 2.5. He was very communicative though.
I would have thought that many words, and beginning to put them together (ladybird cold) was totally normal!?
OP, you sound like you do lovely, attentive things with your daughter, and as for your comment about finding more formal learning to do-I think at this age just being with family, doing everyday things, and playing, is all they need. The whole world is new to a tiny child, so everything they are taking in in the course of a day is a learning experience in so many ways.
I would relax, keep doing what you are doing with an eye on her speech, but don't make it a thing she can sense-children are very sensitive to the things that are "wrong" with them, and give it time.

I haven't read the whole thread, but just posting to add another voice to all those telling you not to panic. My DC did not string two words together until 2.5, and even then it was slow progress: I was so worried that I mentioned it to the GP. She was slow learning to read compared to her siblings (it was a real struggle), and her spelling was very poor until she hit her teens.

Now, however, she never shuts up, is very articulate, and is doing very well at school - and is the most practical and sensible of people.

My cousin did not speak until he was 4, and then he spoke a goobledigook language that only his sister understood, before learning to speak "properly".

My cousin is amazingly bright. He chose business studies, went to Sidney to specialize in money market funds and emerging markets. Did an MBA, and works in currency. He has a massive villa, two country homes, a couple of cars, a yacht, a wife who is a biologist and absolutely great, and two kids. He just turned 33.

You are in danger of condemning your own daughter by reading too much into what strangers that never have met your daughter is writing about speech delay. I reckon, as a layperson, is the speech delay is part of a bigger picture, then yes, perhaps she will have other delays. But if she is only a late talker? Stop panicking.

I've just read the OP's post again and I do think she is seriously over-anxious.

Out of curiosity, what does your DH think about it all?

Please, please, please don't consider your daughter written off.
My son did not utter a single word until he was well over 3. No one believed me but he never babbled either. He started to grunt at about 2.5 and the grunts had intonation and did mean different things. When he did start to say a few words aged 3 they were very badly pronounced and basically only I could understand him, I even had to translate for his dad.
We had nhs speech therapy which was next to useless but at around 3.4 ds suddenly started with more words, then 2 and 3 word phrases by 4 he was behind his peers but not massively. Now at nearly 7 he has completely caught up and actually his vocabulary is better than most. He has just fine his SATs and did very well - certainly no problems with learning.
Keep encouraging but not pushing your child to speak, speak slowly and clearly yourself, encourage things like sucking with a straw, blowing bubbles etc that get those oral muscles working but above all don't worry. I nearly worried myself ill but it had turned out fine...

I started to speak at age 3. Barely said much until 5. Now have two degrees and a post-grad. Was top of the class throughout school.

My Dad was the same as a child and is similarly well educated.

Starting to think that the current focus on children speaking coherently as toddlers, is a bit misplaced.

I think it's OP who needs specialist help, for her anxiety.

Hi. My DD was hardly speaking at 2 1/2. Then in the last 6 months the words just came pouring out. She is 3 this week and at a equal level to all the other children we know of her age.

My first DD spoke so early, she used lots of baby words and got things 'wrong' but DD2 took a lot longer to get going but was very comprehensive from the start. I really wouldn't worry at this stage and definitely not make it an issue for her or she will feel that she's disappointing you.

Ds3 only just said mummy and daddy when he was 2. By 2.5 he still didn't say much more.
He's 3.5 now and is catching up. He goes to a lovely childminder who he loves.

I haven't read anything in your op that would make me worry tbh.

Flipping heck some people on here!! I can't believe people are diagnosing the OP with anxiety across the interwebz...come on!!

OP you are her mother if you think something isn't right then act on it. My DC is the same age as yours and has a speech delay. We have a private speech therapist who is amazing, DCs speech has come on amazingly since working with the private therapist. If you can afford please look for a new therapist. Particularly one who specialises in small children.

You sound very similar to me. I take mine to toddler activities every day and that is more than enough. I wouldn't push your DD going to nursery, it is not a requirement for a "sociable" child, it truly isn't. Please cut yourself a bit of slack with home activities. Maybe do 2 or 3 crafts or whatever a week rather than every day. Toddlers enjoy helping load the washing machine and food shopping etc just as much as organised crafts. Read a lot and sing a lot but don't worry about watching some TV. I think the "evils" of TV are exaggerated.

When singing I went through a stage of purposely missing out words and building up suspense so that DC would fill in the words. DC now songs along on their own. Have you done any makaton signing with her? This helped our DC tremendously. Ask your NHS therapist if there's any makaton courses they can send you on. If not then there are a lot of recourses online.

Big hugs OP

Please, please stop stressing so much.

DD1 was just like yours at 2.5. Actually, I think she didn't even have 75 words (it looks like a decent number of words to me). But, just like your DD, every other aspect of her behavior was just according to her age or advanced: her understanding was perfect, she was very sociable and despite not saying so many words her ability to express herself was amazing. Her pediatrician was not concerned at all about her. But, I have never been part of "Einstein wasn't speaking until 3/4/5" camp, so referred her to private speech therapist. I just wanted to get her checked sooner rather than later. She was actually examined by a team consisting of a child psychologist, speech therapist and pediatrician (most of examination was through play and observation, so not horrible experience for her at all).Their conclusion was that there was nothing wrong in terms of development and that she was just a late talker (just like DH and me). Because she was supposed to start nursery 6 months later, we got her on speech therapy as we wanted to make sure she was verbal before that.

She had speech therapy for 3 WEEKS (2-3 times a week) before she caught up completely and the therapist said that there was no need to continue. She went for one additional week, so 4 weeks in total.

Her speech and vocabulary has been totally, totally normal ever since.
I am an interventionist by nature and as such I can honestly say you can relax and enjoy your wonderful DD. From your posts I can see a lot of similarities between our children. I am not saying that she will catch up as quickly as my DD, but it looks like she is just a late talker and that's it. Please don't put her (or yourself) under so much pressure. FWIW, few times I tried to make my DD repeat words after me, she didn't even want to try it!

My understanding is that you have seen (at least) 2 speech therapist. What do they say?

Try not to worry. My DH had no words at all until he was 3 and he's still not very talkative. It didn't affect him at all academically, he's a professor now.

My daughter the same age and she is saying less than 75 words, we be seeing a speech therapist soon. I am not too worried about her due to the fact I had speech and language problems as a child and turned out fine as a adult. I got into university etc...

Your daughter will be fine.

My ds 2.11 has delayed speech (due to tongue tie, only just had the small op to sort it). He's only now beginning to speak in ( sort of) sentences. I don't think it will affect his education because he is bright and loves to learn.
Nursery was absolute hell to start with, he cried and cried (and so did I) but I persevered and I can honestly say that it has really helped. It made him have to try to communicate with other people. When he was just with me I could, most of the time, understand his grunts and other noises so he didn't have any reason to talk. He now loves nursery and asks to go!

Maybe you should try a different nursery?

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Its hard not to, I know!

Einstein had autism, apparently.

So does my DD who is now almost 6.

Severe speech delay/disorder.
It really sounds like the OP's DD has a lot of strengths and things in her favour to suggest she will simply catch up. That said, take whatever help and services you can push for.
She seems to be doing this already and it is so hard not to obsess, worry and stress out about our children meeting recognised milestones.

Many a toddler group I left with a lump in my throat because my own little one was so different and behind.

It's tough to just "enjoy them and go with the flow" when you're worried sick all the time.

Thank you for all those who are supportive. To those who aren't, I do already feel like an absolutely shit mother who doesn't deserve her lovely children so you are telling me nothing new.

I know I'm blowing it out of proportion but some days I feel so down about it all. Like Glittery says, sometimes I leave toddler groups feeling so sad because my DD is so behind her peers. Surely it's not wrong to want her to be what's classed as 'normal'. It's starting to make me not want to go. I can't bear feeling like everyone knows I'm an awful mother and it's so disheartening hearing how absolutely fantastic every other child is doing. I've let my little one down so badly.

We are near Telford, Shropshire if anyone can recommend a good speech therapist. I would be so grateful.

Older no your not shit, but a wonderful mum to your dd, I feel to put it kindly, you need to have some help yourself to overcome your anxiety, or you will end up projecting this on your dd making her feel inadequate. Your dd sounds perfectly fine, she strings sentences together, knows 75 words, that is very good. My ds 2.5 years cannot do that. What do you want her do do ask fir a cup of tea, and a back rub

Enjoy your dd, she is only little.

You sound so anxious. And if dd is a long awaited baby then that's all the more understandable. I was looking for signs of any problems because my dd was born with respiratory distress and was really ill. The doctors couldn't say for sure if she would develop as expected and I couldn't believe she was going to be ok after such a horrible start to life. My anxiety levels regarding her health and development were out the flipping roof for most of her childhood.

Please don't blame yourself for not spotting anything earlier. At such a young age it would be incredibly difficult to notice a delay.

If your little one understands everything that's said to her and has no hearing problems and is sociable and interested in what's going on around her and is playful, then it really doesn't sound like there's anything major going on. It's sensible to check things out and get whatever help is offered re speech but hopefully if she's talked to, read to, given lots of interesting things to look at and play with etc, she'll just talk more when she's ready.

I know every child is different and it's not overly useful to compare, but take heart from all the posts on here which show that children can have speech and language delay without it holding them back in the long run.

Older mum, you are not shit, no way.
My little girl aged 2 was lacking many of the strengths and non verbal skills your DD has.
Be proactive (you are already) but stay very positive. Please!

I wasted so much time obsessing and arguing with my partner over our daughters speech and other delays that I ruined so many happy times.

You haven't let her down OP. Sometimes stuff just happens. It's as simple as that. You come much closer to letting yourself and her down by giving in to these feelings of inadequacy. You are her mum, you are the world to her, you try your best for her every day. Some parents fall far short of that. Go wherever you want with your head held high and be proud of your lovely DD.

Honestly oldermummy, you are the one who needs therapy, not your dd.

I empathise with your feeling, I too had a 'miracle' child that I was then very, very worried I was going to lose (he was very ill), and then he was a late talker too. (He is now very far ahead academically, btw)

But you need to learn to control your anxiety and understand that it is your issue, not hers, before you actually make it her issue!

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to seek help for yourself with your self esteem and anxiety issues.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread. There's a great book called "talk to your baby" which covers 0-4. I'm not sure if it's appropriate to speech delay, but there's some great stuff in it about encouraging speech (affirming, using the word correctly in a different way, and avoiding correcting). Highly recommended

Older mummy please don't listen to people saying it's about your issues.

It is natural to worry about your child's development if they appear behind their peers.

I am shocked at the patronising posts telling you to get therapy.