To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

Im sure the excellent speech therapist didn't say "you are bloody well creating the issues leave your child alone".

My eldest child had very little speech at 2years 4months when her sibling was born, far less than your little one. The health visitor was more concerned about her than the baby.

It took ages to refer her to speech therapy and by that time she really didn't need it. She achieved highly academically, got a good degree and is now in a very senior position.

Speech is a funny thing, it is so easy to compare the quiet thinkers negatively to the chatter boxes. Your daughter sounds as though she is doing fine, please don't worry too much, there is plenty of evidence on this thread to suggest that you probably don't need to.

actually he did. I was obsessing about it and distressing my child and making the situation worse. And I needed to betold straight.

As does the OP, in my opinion, because pussyfooting around doesn't help. She needs the text equivalent of a slap to a hysterical person. She IS making it worse and she IS hysterical. She needs to stop it or will help cause the things she is most afraid of.

my dd7 goes to Autistic school and is thriving, she is speaking almost fluently and asks the most complex questions. She is a very intelligent girl, we never expected that.

Op your dd is a baby, she hasent even started her learning journey yet. I am trying not to worry about ds 2.5, he attend pre school, who are happy with his behaviour and development, and we will be going to SALT sessions. Pre school are also getting portage worker in for communication not behaviour, and they will be applying to the LEA for funding so that one of the workers who is trained in speech can give speech help to children in the pre school with speech delay.

I know ds, he understands much more than he speaks, and is very sociable. hopefully with this help it will come on. Adults are different in their development, why do we expect children to be the same, they are all individuals with different genetics and environments!

Oldermummy have pm'd you

just read your dd knows 75 words, what the heck are you worrying about! my ds knows about 5!

The talk around children who move up slower is very disheartening and YANBU to view it as wrong and foolish to dismiss such younger children because of them. While some may continue to have problems, others just take longer to get there and in a few years it's impossible to tell.

My eldest sounds like yours OP. He could understand most things, but didn't really get talking as a main form of communication until he was over 3 (his only real word at 2.5 was yummy, and I remember the first time he used it well as it was so shocking). I got all the same speeches that a nursery would make everything better, and a couple weeks after going, he stopped talking and got really upset at the idea of going. Turned out the person in charge wasn't very good with such kids and leaving my DS and another boy out of activities, it took us months to get him back to how he was as he really took it to heart.

His early speech was echos, and echolalia still affects his speech sometimes, which is why it took so long for professionals to agree to see him. We didn't find speech therapy very helpful, but he didn't go into it until he 5 and we kept getting different therapists who all read his initial testing different and wouldn't agree on goals. Other people particularly with younger kids have gotten good results. He now is doing fine academically - he read the hobbit last year at 8 and is well ahead in maths. He has difficulties in answering certain types of questions still, he's a very linear-there must be a right answer-type thinker - but otherwise his communication skills are fine.

You could also explore other forms of communication - picture boards with common words and phrases with pictures will help with the frustration and will not hinder speech (many find it helps), as well as sign language. Make communication easy, fun, relaxed, and gentle, give as much examples as possible, it what worked for us.

Op enjoy your dd she does sound fine. Knows 75 words, strings 2 word sentences together, stop worrying

My son was the same. I paid for private speech in the end as I couldn't get anywhere. He had a statement when he started school and is now an average year two pupil. Things can and do change.

My DD was a late talker, when she got to nursery it picked up, shes now 7 and sometimes I wish she just shut up.

Remember the guidelines are just guidelines. My brother didnt talk til he was 4, he has a good job at 36.

OP this says a lot more about you than your two and a half year old daughter. It sounds like there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

But there will be if you show her you are anxious and keep concentrating on getting her to speak all the time. I really hope you read all these posts and begin a whole new attitude towards her.

My DD is 22months and has under 10 words. I'm not overly worried, she will get in when she gets it. It's like everything, different kids do things at different times.

Setting up a nursery setting at home is IMO unhelpful, home should be a comfortable place, not stressful or forceful for her to learn.

Let her be a kid, and let her learn in her own time.

I think you know OP you are overreacting ...and that would be good for your DD to see you so upset - or for you to try and force her to speak.
I was a late talker and the playschool said I would be better at home cos I wouldn't settle - I also used to stutter etc - whilst being far from a genius I do have a Phd ...
My DD2 also had delayed speech...similar to yours. She started playgroup at 2.5 no problems, happy to go. But she didn't speak to another child there for 3-4 months, didn't say a word to an adult there until she was 3. (Which was when she started not wanting to go and having meltdowns - lasted for about a week and half)
She also didn't talk much at home and even I often struggled to understand her.
At Nursery I asked for her to be assessed for SLT. By that stage she was talking more (especially at home) but was difficult to understand.
At her assessment I was told she was following normal speech development patterns but was delayed. Her vocabulary and sentence structure if anything was advanced. Which is what made her harder to understand. She was trying to say things a 5 yr would say with the ability of a 2.5 yo.
She started getting SLT weekly, term time from being 4 and it went on till a few months before her 6th birthday.
During the time she went up a reading group, and is now at the next to top group (top group is 2 very advanced readers). Now at 7.5 she can't shut up - a chatterbox - and apparently very keen to express her opinions etc in class . Perfectly understandable. You wouldn't know she had ever had a 'problem'.

would be good - won't be good

OP

I referred my DD for speech therapy, which she had between the ages of 2.3 and 2.9. At 2 and a half she was "behind" your DD - she didn't have anywhere near 75 words.

She is now 3.4 and it's incredible to think that this time last year, she wasn't talking. She is incredibly articulate, has a surprising vocabulary and from listening to her peers at pre-school would now say she is ahead for her age. From an academic point of view, she is learning to read and again from what I can gather she is ahead in that respect.

I am sure that your DD will suddenly "get there" too. I know it's worrying, but she is still well within the range of normal when it comes to speech.

I think you're in danger if conflating two issues - her speaking skills and her social skills.

Don't worry about her hating nursery. DD did - but just six months later loved pre-school. It's part maturation, part practice (is your nanny taking her to any toddler groups?)

On the speech - you've hadots of fab advice which I won't attempt to replicate.

But I'd recommend "Understanding your child's friendships" by Elizabeth Hartley-brewer which talked me down from the ceiling when my DD didn't seem to be making friends - and Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking

OP you are SERIOUSLY overreacting.

You need to relax.

That level of speech is fine at 2.5yo. That's why the NHS speech therapist is only seeing you every few months.

I really wish people would stop trotting out the old Einstein line...

My first didn't speak until 3.

Very chatty and highly sociable now. Just starting uni.

My brother was a late talker and had speech issues when he did and ended up with a strong degree in a STEM subject from Bristol.

Oh and one of my kids had a stammer at three and didn't by the time he went to school. Two is awfully early to write your kid off.

I used to worry and worry because when my eldest was young he had no interest in books and hated to be read to. I knew from doing education at college that reading was one of the best things a parent could do for academic success and I worried and stressed so much about it. Well he is highly gifted and won a full tuition scholarship to a university in the U.S. where we live. Books have to go into time out in our house because otherwise nothing gets done. Both my kids love to read and do so voraciously. Apparently his early preferences were not an indicator for his whole life.

OP - I have said it before and I will say it again, please don't ignore your instincts.

There are some wonderful stories on here, but none of them apply to your DD, because you (and they) do to know what the future will hold.

You have concerns, they may or may not be justified, but I could have written a post very similar to yours 5 years ago and if I had left DS and carried on doing what I was doing then we would have been in a much bigger mess than we are now.

The NHS therapists are great, but they are overworked and do not have the resources.

My advice is to find a good private SLT and have a full assessment done. It will either put your mind at rest or set you on the road to developing the skills your DD needs.

We've been having therapy for 5 years or so and are looking at a Christmas discharge - fingers crossed. It's been a long road,which has pushed me to the edge many times, but we can see the end.

The question now is - will he catch up with his peers? Reading is still very hard for him and this impacts in everything as he starts juniors...

OP you sound like a normal worried mum, and I think you're getting a rinsing here from some people who might THINK before they post something unkind.
If you were here I'd feed you cake and give you a big hug. X

Op, hope you're ok after reading the more, ahh, 'robust' advice on here.

Its so hard not to worry yourself into little pieces isn't it? At the same time as knowing that doesn't help. I don't have anything practical to add beyond the good advice on here but I do have one thing that I think is really really important.

Be a bit kinder to yourself pleeeease. It's the guilt that can tear you apart. It's not your fault, you ate doing everything you can, all the right things. Now just be kind to yourself, be gentle and nice, as you really do deserve it, and more than that you need it too