To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

oops.

My sister had a number of developmental problems when she was younger, mainly surrounding her speech. She attended speech therapy until she was around 10 and was kept back a year in school until she reached year 5. Many thought she wouldn't amount to much.

She has just recently graduated with a 2:1 in Hospitality Management and on way her onto a great grad scheme.

Don't lose hope!

Have only read OP and skimmed thread.

Is there a nursery school near you with a dedicated support unit for speech & language difficulties? I work at a maintained nursery with one of these and have seen children start with few words and leave a year later soaking in short sentences. We are also very supportive of the transitional process and will support families for as long as necessary for children settle happily - I'm sure there must be similar places out there.

Alternatively could you spend the money you've saved on nursery fees on private SALT?

A friend of mine's son had very few words at 3.5yo but went to a nursery with a SALT unit and within a short time of starting school his language development was 'normal'.

Having said all that, it does sound like your DD is getting there, albeit slightly slower than you may have thought she would. It may be that things suddenly 'click' and she has a speech 'growth spurt'.

Tbh I think it might also help you to talk to someone about you feelings and expectations and you do seen to be very overwrought about the situation.

No you sound awful tbh

My little girl is nearly 2 and a half, and her speech is now coming thick and fast, so I think once they start to learn to speak, the progress is quite rapid-
we have always done lots of singing, with fairly limited words and sung not too fast so she can hear the words, and then try to join in - does she like watching you do pat a cake, twinkle twinkle etc...? miss polly had a dolly, row your boat, head shoulders, knees and toes are other favourites - does she join in with the actions?
we also read lots of different books, some with repetitive predictable language, some slightly more complex-
can she find different pictures objects in story books? does she try and join in or finish a line with you?
talking and speech needs a context, so try to follow her lead and interests, and model good language for her.
I also had a difficult pregnancy and premature birth and became obsessed with my son's eating...but eventually learned to relax a little, because the worrying really didn't seem to help.

Kicking someone when down. Nice

Obv my last post was to impatience

ds was like this at two and ahalf. he is doing ok now with reading aqnd writing ... (ok not so good at maths but hey!)

speech therapist told us match plus one. so two word phrases are said back with an extra third word. eg "daddy gone" becomes "daddy gone work."

give them choices to encourage comunication. pointing looking etc is acceptable form of communication.

wait for them to speak to you. (in ds's case it was looking at the window when a police car went past) then respond. the talking can be pointing looking etc.

added info if relevant. ds has ASD

Totally unnecessary impatience.

OP for different reasons, I worried terribly about my DD initially. We had to have help to conceive and she had some unrelated growth problems (ironically great speech). I remember well the worry and guilt and blame. I promise it dissipates over time. Occasionally these feelings resurface and I recognise them for what they are - a response to a very difficult time in my life, but not an appropriate response now. There are always worries with our DCs and we shouldn't torture ourselves with the past when dealing with them.

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job.

I know this is purely anecdotal but....
My DH said three words until he was past three years old, Mummy, Daddy and the dogs name. He went on to win an academic scholarship to a top public school and went on to read History at Oxford.
All my children have been late speaking, one is now a nurse and DS1 is at uni studying Modern Languages. Both subjects you need excellent communication skills for.
Keep on talking to your DD and exposing her to as many different experiences as you can, and she is comfortable with, relax and enjoy her.

That means nothing, she is only 2, with a lot of development still to happen! I think reading too much can make you anxious. I was developmentally delayed at school and had a speech delay. I have a 2:1 degree in psychology and a good MSc Health Psychology. My dd 7 who has ASD, the paedritrician did not want to give us a prognosis as children develop and change. Keep going with the speech therapy. My ds 2.5 has a speech delay, we are receiving speech therapy. He goes to pre school 3 times a week which he loves. I've been told his interaction is behind but wouldent that be if he could not communicate effectively.

When we saw the paediatrician with DS he said the rule he used is one word at one, two words at two and three at three. We were there because DS kept failing his hearing tests. Not because he couldn't hear it turned out but as I suspected because he was so used to his big sister bellowing that for the early simple tests like turning his head towards a slight shake of a rattled he just couldn't see the need.

His sister was referred when she was 2 for speech therapy with the NHS who were really not interested at that point. A Health Visitor flagged her speech up again before she started school during a visit to see me as was about to have DS. Once she got to school it was obvious that she had dyspraxia and the physio found her tongue didn't move properly so she had exercises for that and I ended up paying for speech therapy weekly for a bit which was hideously expensive and worth every penny.

Your DD is still really young OP and sounds absolutely lovely, you must be very proud at how she makes new friends. I've found nurseries can be very different and if she hasn't clicked with one then it might be worth looking at another.

I do fully understand wanting to know everything is fine and the anxiety that knowing something is a bit delayed can cause but there are many children who have a delay in something at this age. The large majority are absolutely fine, a few do turn out to be something g mor than a delay but sadly it is a waiting game. The speech therapist posting on here explained about the few papers published and the aim beng to get early intervention, which is exactly what your DD is getting.

Try as much as you can to think you are very on the ball with this and not let it take away your enjoyment of this time with your DD. She's absolutely not being written off academically and I think one of the big indicators of academic success is the education of the Mother so your DD is in a great place and you sound like a lovely Mum, she's very lucky.

OP I feel for you, really I do. I'm here to offer another perspective on this. You've had some good advice and should follow it up, especially the seeking advice from professional SaLTs and trying not to worry. You do sound (very understandably) anxious and I think you need to try and work on your self so your anxiety is not surrounding your DD and turning this into a bigger "thing" than it is.

Our case is a little different to yours as my son has Downs Syndrome and very immature speech. I'd be delighted if he could do what your DD can do and he is 4.5, but he just can't, yet. He's not at that stage yet. I've not come to lecture and say some one has other difficulties too, I've come to say not one professional, or nursery worker, or family member have "written off " my son for what he can't do. We always work with what he can do, whilst following advice for ways to encourage speech and cognitive ability to develop. I'm here to say, one time, to be honest, I was heartbroken about my DS a lack of verbal skill, especially when his toddler peers were chatting all around him. It is hard to watch your child in this environment. What I realised was, I must never let my son know of my upset ( it belonged to me) he certainly was not concerned. He still is not, he does very well at nursery and is soon going to school, with appropriate support.

The best thing you can do for your DD is to try and relax and take all pressure off. Enjoy her for the delightful little girl she is and take a bit of professional advice about her speech. For what it's worth, from an internet stranger with an interest in Early Years Development, she does not sound disabled, I think you're a few steps ahead of yourself. By all means stay within the Community Paediatric Team as it will bring you the referrals you need.

I wish you both well

Sorry, I haven't RTFT- am having a quick MN while 'cooking'. I am a SENCO in the process of preparing to admit a child with a statement for S&L disorder. His other tests (and there are many of the) show him to be remarkably bright- on the 85 percentile in some areas such as maths. Yes, he will need (and get) additional support, but not due to academic ability.

Talk about severely over-reacting! She's TWO AND A HALF, FFS!

She hasn't been written off academically (except perhaps by you, if you carry on with this pressure). Leave her alone.

My son had a much more severe speech delay at a later age, along with accompanying other issues. Now several years later is is top of his age range academically and speaks beautifully. He has never, at any time, been written off by anyone, and I'm insulted by the very idea.

Stop with the pressure, full stop. She will become all those things you fear because YOU are making them happen. YOU are creating the pygmalion effect. Let her be.

Bollocks grocklebox

She is not doing anything except worrying.

Eloquent.
It's my opinion, so bollocks yourself.

She's making a 2 year old cry by "frantically trying to make her say 3 word phrases"

Its far too much pressure and they will both me much happier without it.

Yes once in a moment of desperation. Which she acknowledged was wrong.

I can be eloquent. Just not when I see someone giving a distressed OP a kicking.

A few things.

Firstly your DD is perfect the way she is. She is beautiful and has has so many good points she will shine and she will have her own talents.

Secondly learning isn't linear, children learn in spurts and so its hard to predict where she will be next to her contemporaries in 10 years time. 2 and a half is very young. When my 2 DS started primary school, they were put into sets quickly but looking back there's been huge movement between sets over the years. Some Children that started school in the top set ended primary in the bottom. Some children that started in the bottom set finished in the top set.

What can you do now to help? Find books she loves and read and read and read. Also find some CD's to sing along to or you could make your own compilation - it doesn't have to be annoying stuff. Make it fun.

The above opinion is based on the advice given to me by an excellent speech therapist.
I'm trying to give her a sensible, albeit different to the main, opinion, from a parent with real experience. What is your problem with that?

I'm not giving her a kicking, you daft mare, I'm giving her good bloody advice which I wish I'd gotten at one point. So bugger off.

Well I have been there too. And blaming someone for her DD's issues when she is distressed is just cruel.

Perhaps you could have phrased your advice in a more sensitive manner then. To say least.