To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

Have only read to the end of page 2 so apologies if this book was already suggested. It was gifted to me by a very kind MNetter and I've since passed it on to two others. Baby Talk by Sally Ward. Brilliant book, and gave me a great confidence boost when I realised that I was doing most of what was suggested just naturally. My did was not even babbling at 14 months and now at 3 1/2 talks non stop. She's still not caught up but I no longer worry - but I was you in the worry stakes so you're not alone.

PS the insect nest sounded like great fun and a perfet chance for lots of chat.

OlderMummy I have a huge amount of sympathy.

At 2.5 years old DS could only say 2 words and was referred for speech therapy. I was quite thrown when we only saw them once a month and the focus was all about changing I was saying, not on exercises for him to practice making different sounds.

I also have worked in the early years sector and come across initiatives such as 'Every Child a Talker' which has statements such as "However, we know that there are still many children starting school without the extended vocabulary and communication abilities which are so important for learning and for making friends ... As children grow older, this early delay can lead to significant difficulties later on, particularly with reading and writing."

This immediately makes you feel like a total failure whatever you have done or not done, so I know the feeling.

Similarly we tried to start DS at nursery one afternoon a week when he was 2.5, and for the following 6 months either DH or I took the afternoon off work to stay with him otherwise he genuinely would cry the entire time he was there.

Again, similarly he was/is a gentle soul with huge amounts of compassion and a very mature outlook, great ability to focus on activities (we take many ideas from Montessori too), and appearing to understand well.

At age 3 the speech suddenly started and within 6 months you never knew he had been behind. At 3.5 he started nursery 5 mornings a week on the free hours and settled in really well. Was it speech, maturity, or the more regular routine? I don't know.

Sorry for the rambling - hope you can take some reassurance that you are not a failure!!! For a while I also wanted to avoid my toddler group whose children were speaking so much better. I'm glad I didn't. They all had their own problems too, hitting biting misbehaviour poor sleep etc which I didn't and they looked at me and my sweet kind DS with envy!

I agree Fango. OP, you are anxious but it is so understandable.

I've just read some of the posts on this page and while I get that people think they're being helpful telling the op she needs to chill out about this issue but to be honest, that's not really going to help her. All those people who told me I needed to relax if I wanted to get pregnant actually only added to my stress because I couldn't help myself being sad and anxious. Same when I was worried about dd's speech (and everything else in the first few months with her - she was adopted at 14 months). What actually helped were practical suggestions, not feeling like I was part of the problem. I know people mean well but...

Hello from another MN with a DS who was slow to speak. At three he had sounds like 'mama' 'baba' and a few words and I too, was so worried about him starting school. He had speech therapy and he was fine.

He did well at school and is now doing his dream job of an airline pilot. This is not a stealth boast, but just to say that being slow to speak has not made any difference to his life at all. Sending you a huge unMN hug too, posting on MN is very brave as they are some very 'forthright' people on here.

older we are all different as are our children...
I am sure the other parents aren't judging you as much as you think they are...they will have their own insecurities ...may not show them but they might be sitting at home thinking why can my toddler balance on the slide as well as Older's DD. Why can't my child make friend's as easily as Older's DD etc etc

Unless there is another problem your DD will start communicating when she is ready - and if then she can't express herself clearly and gets frustrated she needs help but should catch up in her own time.
When I took my DD to the HV at 2 because she hadn't said a word the HV said bring her back at 2.5 if she hasn't started speaking at all...she had so I didn't...but did get her help at Nursery because she was starting to get frustrated...
And don't get into competitive parenting - my little darling is reading Harry Potter at 4yo etc etc - for a start a lot of it is bollocks and ime by the age of 10 they will all be more or less at the same level - unless said child is in fact really G&T and that comes with its own difficulties.
That your DD is happy is much much much more important than if she can walk at 9 months and have an adult conversation at 18 months....
This really doesn't matter - take a deep breath and enjoy her being so little (before you know you will wondering if you can wear earplugs without being sussed out when your 7 yo is telling you in great detail about a computer game she is playing or longing for these days when you are getting a mouthful of teenage attitude... )

To all the people who say that I need therapy, well they are partly right as I have had therapy for anxiety which began after a cancer diagnosis, followed by infertility and miscarriages. I saw a clinical psychologist all through both pregnancies and beyond which did help a lot. Before I saw her I was begging the hospital for scans every week and then, when my DD was born, sitting up all night to make sure she didn't die. Same happened with my DS born almost 5 months ago. It didn't help having severely refluxy and intolerant babies who kept choking on their own vomit.

I have just been discharged from the psychologist and am feeling much better generally. I am back to sleeping at night and am no longer so anxious about my newborn. I was diagnosed with PTSD rather than depression.. As the psychologist said 'you have been fighting a long and hard battle for many years and it's hard to cope when that suddenly stops as strange as that sounds'.

I can go most days feeling ok but then something happens or someone says something that gets me anxious. This week it has just been one thing after another with my DD's speech... Like when the HV said she should have 1000 words by now

Anyway, I am going to try and pull myself together. DD said 'love you' for the 1st time tonight and although it wasn't perfect it meant the absolute world to me... I came down and sobbed as I never thought I'd have a child say those words to me.

Tomorrow I am just going to enjoy my babies. We are going to art class, then coming home to play in the mud kitchen outside and have a picnic weather permitting.

Thank you all for the advice and stories of support. They mean such a lot. Thank you x

Sounds absolutely lovely, great ending

Oh darling OP! You've walked a path most of us can't imagine. Reflux, without any other factor is hideous and you've had other stuff to deal with too. You'd be properly odd if you WEREN'T anxious, given your journey.

And please. No more "shit mum" talk. A shit mum wouldn't give a shit, for a start!
Fwiw my eldest's speech went backwards when I had his twin brothers. I bent myself out of shape about it (I have bad anxiety which I manage with drugs and lager) and it turned out he was just levelling with his brothers. I upped his hours at nursery and his speech leapt forward.

Hang in there, and PM me any time. X x

Well done! You have come through far more than many mothers. Have a lovely day tomorrow! Relax - as adults no one knows, or cares, whether you were a chatterbox at 3 yrs or silent at 4 yrs. it is the same with everything - it is not a race ( and if it was old Aesop had it right with his hare and tortoise!)

1000 words???

My DS is the sane age and his HV said 2yos only need 50 to be in normal range.

You have really been through the ringer, and I think you've done well if you can brave out some of the comments here. You are doing fine, you have accessed speech therapy, you are seeing improvements - there's no harm in knowing what the worst case scenario is and what else you should be looking out for, but I think on this Your HV has actually cocked up and got you worried about nothing! I wonder if there are any SALTs on this thread who could comment on the normal range?

yes i agree no more shit mum talk, you have been through so much. Enjoy your gorgeous children

1000 words? Your HV is mad as a box of frogs.

sorry I've not read all the thread but just wanted to add, I can't beliee what a massive overreaction you've had to this (Not your fault probably) My DS has about 10 words at 2 and only about 100 at 3, then suddenly he started speaking in full sentences with quite complicated structures. He's now aged 8.5 and is academically way ahead of his age.

DS is a child who just won't do something until he's sure he can get it right. Seriously don't stress, keep playing with her, keep the social activities. You'll soon be starting a thread on here about "DD won't stop talking!"

My ds2 didn't speak until after he started pre school.(age 2.9.) He made up his own sign language! He is now 7 and doing really well at school. He didn't do emergent writing either. He only wrote when he knew the letters of the alphabet. She will get there, but when she decides to I guess!

Sorry, don't have time to read all the posts but just to add, DC3 had speech delay and saw a SALT plus has had two rounds of grommets (probably the cause of the speech delay).

He has just finished reception and has done extremely well academically. He's still very quiet but top of his year in terms of reading and writing etc. More importantly, he's happy and confident and very sociable, despite not talking much, particularly to adults.

Finally, have you had your DD's hearing checked? DC3 kept 'passing' the hearing tests but I was convinced that was the problem (I'd has similar issues) and that the tests were too crude. It turned out he has glue ear and moderate to severe hearing loss. Hope you get some peace of mind soon.

Those who refer to the infrequency with which the NHS saw their 2.5 yr old or similar aged child for speech therapy, including the OP herself, I suspect this was because the assessment was that the speech delay was mild and, given the age, not requiring extensive input at this current point.

I say this because my 4 year old is also receiving NHS treatment for speech therapy, and in the next course we will be seeing someone every Wednesday and Friday, one on one, for 4 weeks.

OP you seem like a thoughtful, intelligent,introspective woman. Apply those characteristics to the situation with your daughter. She is 2.5, very good, NHS speech therapy is clearly not worried if they are seeing you a couple of times a year, and when you consider the facts objectively,so you honestly think that a speech delay at 2.5 Is indicative of a life of academia failure?

Very good should read very young

Oh and OP, you sound lovely and your children are blesses to have you as a mother.

OP you are obviously a loving caring mother.

Your dd sounds completely normal to me.

Enjoy your children. Don't let the anxiety spoil it for you all. There'll always be something to worry about, speech, tears at nursery, potty training, friends at school, sports, confidence a million things that are normal. All kids are ahead sometimes and behind at others. You've slogged your guts out to have them so just enjoy each other.

I am shocked at the patronising posts telling you to get therapy.

It's not patronising! it's concern!

The poor woman is tying herself in knots and is clearly very anxious. She is worrying herself to death and upsetting herself and sometimes her DD (not deliberately obviously).
They are longed-for children and people on here are just wanting her to enjoy them!

She has since posted that she has had therapy which has helped and I hope some of our positive experiences have done the same.

Loxley - no anecdotes aren't essentially relevant to the op situation as each case is unique and yes she should ensure she shares her concerns with health professionals but when you look at the odds the chances are that everything is ok - the probability of it actually being a problem is v low. So, while the op is right to watch out for developmental milestones etc and to raise concerns with the appropriate people to ensure that if there is any problem it is picked up it will do the op no good to panic and stress of a problem that more than likely does not exist - particularly when she has been anxious during pregnancy and beyond.

She needn't go to a nursery at all. She can start school at four. Does she understand simple verbal commands? Don't worry so much.

OP the PPs are indeed correct - my reply was exceptionally twatty and unhelpful and I can only apologise and hope you took as little notice of it as it deserved. Really not actually sure why I wrote that.

As a somewhat less judgey dickish reply, you aren't doing anything wrong. Some kids just do things on their own time. Doesn't mean anyone is failing. DS1 didn't speak until he was three and is now one of the most eloquent and well spoken kids I know and does exceptionally well academically- but I of course also panicked like you at the time, it's natural to worry.

I think you need to go easy on yourself. I cannot see what else you could possibly have done in this situation. You are giving your children love and attention.

I think these targets that they set for speech and number of words by such and such an age are very unhelpful and they don't reflect a child's actual development.

I had a panic around the time my son was 1 because he only seemed to use about 10 words when he was supposed to know 50 or something along those lines. We went to see the speech therapist who didn't seem too bothered.

He is 2 and half now and has caught up and is now ahead of the 'curve' and my biggest speech problem now is getting him to shut up. So I don't really believe in all these targets any more.

He hasn't been to nursery yet either so for us, that didn't have an impact.

I hope you start being more gentle with yourself!