To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

I understand your sadness and panic - been there, got the t-shirt.

But if you really, really want to mess up any speech then you are going the right way about it. I'm sorry to sound harsh but you have to stop.
Developing speech is about confidence and reducing pressure. Sitting crying while your child cries over trying to form a three word sentence is going create more problems.

Your post is very about you. Again I sympathise, it's understandable - its distressing to realise that your child has problems - but this isn't actually about you.

You need to put your ego and fear and frustration to one side. A child with a speech delay can catch up and may well be academically very able.
But you can't force this. T

This is about the child you have not the child you expected to have. It's hard but you need to step up. Stop the pressure on her, it's not helping.

OlderMummy - will PM you.

And I'm sorry but frantically trying to get her to say things that you know she can't, to the point where you both end up in tears, is cruel to her. I know how frustrating it can be when you are desperate for a child to speak, but that is not the way to deal with it.

Like other posters, I suggest that you relax a bit: it is far too early to know how your DD's speech will develop in the next few years.

I would also recommend you buy good quality DVDs as watching them will boost her passive vocabulary. Contrary to popular belief, TV (if good quality) is of great help in language acquisition.

My son was referred to speech therapy at 2 with no words at all.
He has just had his year 2 sats results a got level 3's (above average) across the board including in speaking and listening!

A friend of mine didn't speak until 4. He has a PhD in physics from Cambridge. I believe Einstein was a late talker too. I appreciate how worrying it is but I think you are worrying unnecessarily. My ds was where your dd is. At 4 you'd never know, his speech is excellent.

Speech delay is hugely common. One of the little boys in dd's class who had it is probably the brightest kid in her class now.

Have you had her hearing thoroughly checked out? At a specialist paeds audiology unit? Because she sounds similar to my DS who has hearing issues.

My darling niece was not speaking at all at 2.5. Now at 4, she is using sentences etc. and whilst still a little behind her peers, she is gaining ground at lightning speed. It really is not a given that she will stay 'delayed'. Just that she started a little later. She is also incredibly intelligent, I mean a ridiculous comprehension level. But you wouldn't know it if you didn't know her well enough to understand what she is saying. When she makes herself understood, people are shocked by her understanding.

I agree with the others that you are being way too hard on yourself. Seriously, what more could you have done? You referred at the right time and you're supporting her, reading up and educating yourself (albeit maybe with some misinformation) and you more importantly, care about your daughter.

I have no experience of speech delay so won't comment on that.

I wanted to comment on her nursery experience. My dd started attending for 1/2 day a week for a few weeks then up to 2 days a week. She hated it. Absolutely would scream the place down. I eventually pulled her out and should have done it sooner. She was 2.4 at the time. She's settled nicely with a childminder and loves it with her.

She's recently had settling in sessions for pre-school at an actually school. Like you, I was worried - same "educational" setting, is she going to like it. She LOVED it. She's 3 next month, so will be one of the youngest in the year.

My point being, that with the speech delay aside, she will be more developed in other areas which will prepare her for school. I never thought dd would be ready but she can't wait to start pre-school. She just thinks it's one morning of fun!

Just want to give you a hug.

It certainly sounds as if your dd let you know loud and clear how much she disliked nursery (very communicative!) So you listened, and took her out of there. That will have given her SO much confidence in you - that you pay attention to her needs. I do think that if you had had no other choice, she eventually would have got used to nursery, but I'm delighted for both your sakes that that wasn't the case, and you have found another way.

It's also wonderful that you have fun together. You sound like such a lovely mum. I used to congratulate myself if I managed 5 solid minutes of real attention to my ds every day. Be assured that there is NOTHING that improves on their parents for a child's development.

One day she will be more than ready for another setting. That isn't now. Are you faced with having to go back to work? What's the pressure? In the meantime, just enjoy her. You can say 3 word sentences to her, for sure, but don't pressure her to say them back to you (you know this, of course!)

I agree with the other posters
I really do think she needs to go to a nursery.
How is she going to learn to communicate with others if she never has the chance?
Sometimes I think teachers forget to consider the holistic needs of children- they concentrate on the academic side, often not realising that confidence and social skills are the key to unlocking that academic potential.
A a child could be a genius and have the highest IQ on the world but if they are too shy or socially inept to use then that is a huge waste.
Maybe find a different nursery?
You have done the right thing- early intervention really can make a difference.
You want to give her the skills to cope at school?
Then find her the right nursery that can help hwrvdevelop confidence and resilience.

Ds didn't talk until he was seven, he has the full complement of GCSE's (A to C) and is going to college with a view to uni later on. Your dd is only two and a half there is plenty of time for her speech to come on in leaps and bounds before she starts school. If at three you are still worried perhaps consider a private speech therapy assessment as ds's was worth its weight in gold.

DD had speech therapy from the age of 2.5 and she was signed off when she finished nursery so when she was 4.5. We took her to be assessed when she was 2.5 as we had realised her speech development was worlds away from that of her peers. She received three sets of 8-week weekly sessions between the ages of 2.5 and 3.5 when she started school nursery. Once she was in that setting she used to go to a daily language group with 3 other children in her class, run by a TA who had received training from the SALT.

As I said she was signed off by the time she had finished nursery. She moved to a different school for Reception and when I had a first meeting with her teacher just before half-term and I mentioned that DD had received speech therapy for nearly 2 years she was really surprised as the teacher hadn't noticed any issues. Similarly her year 1 teacher was also surprised when I talked about it at parents evening. I haven't mentioned it to her Year 2 teacher at all as it just isn't an issue any more. She has just finished year 2 sats and has scored level 3 across the subjects. She received a prize for her reading this year. Her reading by the end of Reception was far better than DS's who has had no speech issues. I mention this as I wanted to illustrate how speech problems in the early years isn't necessarily indicative of other concerns. It's a long process, primary school and there is plenty of time for development.

I know a lot of people have said not to worry, but the fact the NHS are seeing you DD suggests that there are issues. The sooner the are addressed the better the outcome will be.

We can all say "I know X who didn't speak until he was 15, but now had a degree in physics from Oxford and a Nobel prize", but X isn't your daughter.

With hindsight I didn't push soon enough for DS, which I now bitterly regret - we have had a tough time so far at school.

DS is 2 and a half and I'd be thrilled with 75 words! He has about 40 and of those only about 20 that he actually uses regularly.

None of the professionals we've come into contact with seem at all concerned and neither do his nursery.

Lots of the children we know born the same month (or one month either side) are at exactly the same level. I know it can be worrying but I think you need to try and calm down a bit. They're all different and the fact that she has 75 words and can put words together is brilliant! She'll get there

Really?! She is 2.5!! Stop stressing yourselves out so much and just enjoy her as she is right now.

My ds (3) has speech delay linked to glue ear when he was 2. He now has normal hearing range but there are still sounds he is not making so is quite unclear.

However he has come in in leaps & bounds in 6 months - probably had about 30 unclear words at the start of the year and a couple if 2 word phrases now chatters away, though unclearly.

2.5 is quite young, you gave recognised there's an issue and are getting help, she is making progress.. Round here they don't really offer SALT till over 3yrs so she may get offered more if they think she needs it as she gets older.

You need to stop focussing so intently on this one area of development and stop pressuring her to do things she is not developmentally ready for i.e. Three word phrases.
Has she been diagnosed with a delay or a disorder? TBH although she sounds a little delayed a vocabulary of 75 words and emerging 2 word phrases would fall within the normal range of development for a 2 1/2 year old.
Can she hear okay? How is her comprehension? What about non-verbal skills such as eye-contact and turn taking? If all these are fine then stop worrying, her speech will follow.
Look at the ICAN website, they have some useful resources. You're doing a great job, you can both relax a bit!

My DS had less than 75 words at three. Now he is a normal eight year old, who is quite advanced in some areas. Try not to stress, just keep reading and talking with her. She will be fine.

Oh darling, you poor thing. You are being very hard on yourself. 2.5 is still very young. My nephew had no words til he was 3.5 but now at 12 is doing fantastically.

I think you need to take a step back and let her learn at her own pace. Keep talking to her, play with her and let her develop when she is ready. Don't put her or yourself under pressure. She hasn't been written off. She is still tiny and there is LOADS of time for her to catch up.

for you

And relax.....
How is her communication, can she get you to understand what she wants,can she understand you and others .

DS was referred to salt age 4.3 when only parents and keyworker at preschool could understand him and he stopped talking to otheds because he was frustrated. He is now 8, very able academicly, in top half of the class for every thing.
It's not a life sentence, many kids need a bit of help at your daughters stage and catch up to their peers.

Insancerre she's TWO AND A HALF, why does she need to go to nursery?

Why can't normal family, friends, shopping, chatting etc etc do?

LoxleyBarrett (love the name) OP is getting her dd professional attention.

My ds1 was a late talker.
I also started him at pre school agjabxt my better judgement due to familial pressure "it's what he needs, he will speak better etc"
At least you had the courage of your convictions and took her out!
You are being far far too hard on yourself.
Yes, your dd may struggle initially like my ds but there are so many ways to help them.
Are you sure your dd hasn't got a auditory processing problem?
Look into auditory integration training and the listening programme.
Also, check out retained reflex therapy.
We did both with ds1 and the results were amazing.
He is now going into year 7 (!) and has completely caught up with his peers...in fact he got some level 5s in his sats! :) he has wonderful vocab and never shuts up now! :)
Good luck x

I think you are over reacting a bit. Keep doing what you are doing. Does she understand what you are saying? Eg if you say where is the book does she look for it etc? Have you had he ears tested?
Ds1 was very verbal at 2, full sentences etc, I sent him to Montessori nursery and he hated it with a passion. He cried going in and was still crying often when I picked him up. He hated the routine & structure and rigid timetable of this particular nursery. At 2.5 he started playgroup, he went every morning and begged to go on weekends he loved it so much. It was unstructured and fun this suited him much better.
Ds2 was completely different, can't remember much about his speech at 2.5, but he repeatedly failed hearing tests & had glue ear. This resulted in him being very late with sounds like f & th I think he only got the hang of r when he was 10. Academically he is fine as he understood everything that was being said. He has fine motor problems and hates writing but that's another thread.

You sound like you are doing your very best for your dd, a friends son had very delayed s&l she paid for private speech therapy & her son has finally caught up at 11, at 6 he was practically non-verbal so it is possible to catch up. x

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Aaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggghhhhhh!!

Not true!!!

Leave her alone! Just talk and read to her normally at home and let the speech therapists do their job.

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases.

Don't do that! That isn't how you learn to talk or make sentences. Her brain will put them together when she is ready. You are upsetting both of you and it's tainting your relationship. Unless the therapists flag up any other issues it will come.

My DGD had no speech till 3.
Just finished first year at school and she has done brilliantly! Absolutely loves it and is either at expectation or exceeding expectations - especially in communication!

Oh, and was fine at nursery. They are trained to deal with all sorts of children and they managed to communicate just fine till the speech kicked in. And it would do your daughter good to play with others. It all sounds way to intense.