To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

Thank you impatience. I appreciate your apology x

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you! Your DD sounds like a lovely little girl, and it's such a shame that people are focusing so much on one thing that she's taking slightly longer to get to grips with. For what it's worth, my DH wasn't speaking at all by the time they were DD's age, and now is a year away from becoming a doctor. A delay doesn't mean a child is always behind.

God impatienceisavirtue, I can't tell you how fabulous and rare it is for people to post a straightforward, excuse free, apology

How refreshing you are!

Agreed. Good on ya

I know it is so worrying. Last week my son got his degree results, he got a first and I am so proud. When he was three no one could understand him except me, his speech was really bad and my mother said he would never talk. It upset me so much. I can't promise you little one will be the same but don't let anyone write her off.

A lot of the recent information/scary stuff about the links between speech delay and later difficulties at school is aimed at staff in school, preschools and nurseries and health professionals to get them up off their behinds for children who need help to get their language going, and helping families to get support like seeing a speech therapist if they want it. It can affect children's later success in school if the delay isn't picked up on and no one does anything to give the child a bit of extra stimulation with their language!

There was a culture for years about 'they'll grow out of it by themselves' in preschools and with health professionals which is fine for the children who do, but not helpful at all for the few in that large group of children with speech delay who do need something more, or whose parents are worried and want further information for their child but are being told to stop fussing. (I've had several GPs say exactly that to mothers!) The kind of tips you're using from the Speech Therapist are exactly the kinds of simple things all nurseries and preschools should be doing for all their children and should be able to support parents with, and they should be able to pick up on any delays early when children are little. Those tips you're using are so simple but they're effective, and even more effective when they're done with younger children at 2 and 3 as they're sponges at that age.

Now you're doing those extra activities, you've seen a Speech Therapist who is supporting you, and you've got all this sorted for your child by yourself and she's only two and a half! That's early intervention perfection! It doesn't matter that it's not had an instant effect, all that matters is that you know, you've had access to a Speech Therapist when you decided it was what your dd needed, and you're giving your dd that extra stimulation. That really is all it's about.

If you'd like to think about a nursery for your dd, you can always ask to meet the nursery SENCo who should be able to tell you exactly how the nursery supports children's language and should be enthusiastic about working with you to use the Speech Therapist's tips and suggestions for your dd in nursery too. If they can't, it's the wrong nursery, look at another one. There are a lot of great ones out there.

Agree with most others but I think you also need to ask yourself what would be so terrible about not sailing through school? Some children don't. Some have generalised difficulties but find their way.

Actually, as so many others have pointed out, your DD could well be absolutely fine by school time. But if she's not, what then? You will have to get over the idea of this being a terrible thing. Yes you're a teacher but it is not written in stone that when you have a child, they will turn out to be an academic star.

I was very, very academic at school and got a 1st-class degree and have a brainy career bah blah and DP likewise. Yet our DS has dyslexia and struggles at school and is way behind. No it's not what I expected, and it hurts to see him suffer these difficulties. But it's been a wake-up call for me to show me that what matters is not keeping up with the other kids and "doing well at school" for its own sake. What matters is helping my child overcome the challenges he faces, and develop in the areas he loves and where he can really shine, while accepting coming top of the class isn't going to be one of them.

And I know for sure that what wouldn't help him is pressure to the point of tears to match up with some expected level for his age. People are different and you are not going to change who a person is with that kind of pressure. You will do far, far better to let your DD know every day in every way that you accept who she is, and take the pressure off so she can develop in her own way. Stop seeing her speech delay as a failure to keep up, see it as a difference that could be one of many interesting, wonderful differences that will emerge in the fullness of time.

btw I don't mean SLT isn't helpful - it is of course and it's great that DD has it if she needs it - but let the SLTs do their job. If you want to help, ask them how and take their advice.

Coming late to this but just to say I've been where you are, OP. My little girl will be three in August. Her speech has been very slow to come. She's also been very withdrawn and I can't tell you how many times I've cried, wondering what's wrong. People tell comforting stories about so-and-so 'who didn't talk until he was 5' but it's not comforting when your little girl seems 'different'. But guess what. Slowly but surely, she's getting there. In her own time and on her own terms. I couldn't care less if she doesn't achieve academically in the future - I would take her out of school and teach her myself if it made her happier - but it's still a relief to hear her stringing a few words together in the last week or two. Really, you have to give it time. We saw the speech therapist ages ago and she could only tell me to keep doing what I was doing. We saw a paediatrician who told me to calm down (not easy!). The only thing that has helped is remembering that every child's experience is rich and unique - if your child can be happy and inquisitive, right now, with you, that's all that matters. There are many 'perfect' children who will sadly go on to suffer at some point in their lives. Our children may end up perfectly normal or they may end up a little bit perfectly different. In a different capacity, I have met many parents of disabled children and honestly, the outlook they're forced to adopt is inspiring. They are their children's champions and constantly affirm their children's experience of life as valid and exciting. It's sheer hell to be frightened of anything concerning a child and I don't think you need to at all. But at the end of the day, they are who they are and we love them. The wider world can wait for another day.

Oldermummy - I too had a long struggle to have dcs, finally having dd1 after 7 years of trying, and a year of cancer treatment, followed by refluxy babies....it is a long hard road up the mountain and when you get to the top you still have the achey legs and are knackered, but the view is wonderful. Sit and enjoy your family, and your achievement.

After ds I had some terrible anxiety and also diagnosed with PTSD (very bad birth), and then watching and worrying about his development. But you are being so proactive, and taking support where offered, which is great.

Maybe post on behaviour/development for support and advice, because AIBU can be a bit of a rough ride.

(Impatient - well done for apologising)

Thank you hazeyjane. Sometimes it feels as if no one can understand x

I had pretty big speech delay, due to severe hearing issues that weren't picked up on. Once it was formally recognised and my parents got the support I excelled. Spent a few years as part of SEN at infant/primary school, and then finished A levels with AABB!

The important thing is you have picked up on it and can pursue the help to fix it and you can fix it :)

Some suggestions:

Don't set up a learning type area - be as informal as you can. A kitchen table or a big spillproof mat on the floor is fine!

Get some nursery rhyme DVDs, watch them with her and sing along to them yourself.

Watch CBeebies with her more often - it's brilliant! Join in with the songs and catchphrases.

Read to her as much as possible. Raid charity shops for new books, not just children's books but also larger books - illustrated, art prints or with colour photography - anything that might grab her attention that you can talk about to her.

Finally, stop torturing yourself with worst-case scenarios. Your DD will definitely pick up on your anxiety.

Go to your GP and tell her/him how YOU are feeling.

TBH you sound like a lovely mum but perhaps you're a wee bit of a perfectionist? Your own worst critic?

Your daughter sounds delightful. Many children that age can't play nicely - or even leave their mums' laps at playgroup type settings. So her emotional and social development is fine! Remember that not everything develops at the same rate, and every child is different.

I forgot to add, I'm also an older mum. Go easy on yourself!

Oh bloody hell - zombie thread grrrrr after all that!

My DS was referred for speech therapy (and possible SEN) at his 2 yr check (from nursery). I wasn't concerned, personally, as he's a boy (notorious for slower speech) and he's a third child with two big sisters who talk the hind leg off a donkey. He's also very much an outdoors child and so doesn't settle well at 'circle time'.
By the time he was 2.5, he still wasn't saying much (or not that anyone else could understand apart from me), just gabbling a lot of nonsense words and sounds. He's 3 in two weeks and is now talking really well - long and complicated sentences, good pronunciation and some of his use of grammar is better than some adults I know .
DD1 had speech delay but I knew hers was down to hearing difficulties, despite no-one believing me. Eventually 'they' listened and discovered she was quite deaf, fitted her with grommets just before her 3rd birthday and lo and behold, her speech blossomed very rapidly. Has your DD had her hearing tested at all?

As regards the nursery - perhaps try some others? If your DD is used to having one on one time with just you then she isn't going to be very happy at being left on her own at nursery. A lot of children take some time to get used to being left by their parents if they've never been without them before. It may be that you might have to ride through the crying for a few weeks/months - did the nursery tell you that she cried ALL day? I personally think it's better for your DD to get used to going to nursery, even if it's just for a couple of hours once a week, as this will give her plenty of time to get used to a 'school' environment by the time that school happens.