To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

Ds is way behind his peers on everything school wise, was a late talker even at 8 there is sometimes I have to get him to repeat himself, but he also is asd.

My cousin had speech problems and SENs. He did fine in school as a child. It was when he got older that kids picked on him, which is what made him more miserable than anything. I'd be more worried about that than a chaotic environment.

But he's doing alright now, holding a job and all that. :)

I would look into special schools but really... she's 2. Anything could happen developmentally. I wouldn't write off her abilities just yet. My brother was a slow talker and he ended up with a ridiculously high IQ and did amazing in school.

You can do that as well as enjoying her and not pushing her etc.

Chat, sing, read, play. Rest, sleep, repeat.

To echo. Yes, get her in a program like early intervention if you can. It can't hurt to get her speech therapy early.

(And let experts do the expert stuff if necessary)

I don't think speech therapy 3 times a year is anywhere near enough..My DS has weekly speech therapy (which we pay for) and it makes a big difference. His school has a long break at Xmas and Easter and I notice the difference when he misses a few sessions during this time.
He's going into year 2 in september and she's currently focussing on story telling - whilst concentrating on the sounds that he still struggles on (s and sh mainly).

DS didn't like nursery either until he was a bit older, there's no reason why you can't try again when she's older.

I've just had a quick look on pub med and there are a few articles that link being a late talker with lower academic performance in early primary school, but I can't see any that link with lower academic performance at GCSE level or even secondary level.

OlderMummy, when my DD3 was about the same age as your DD, a government advisor made some big speech about speech delays and how common they are now with increasing numbers of children parked in front of the TV.

I cried. I felt that I was being judged. DH sensibly pointed out that the advisor was not talking to me, or even about me. But it really brought it home to me how much people judge you when you have a slow talker.

My DS had hardly any words aged 2 and aged 5 is still very delayed and having speech therapy. But he started school already able to read near fluently and has picked up writing really easily. No body has written him off and no one will write your dd off.

Apologies for not reading all the responses but I'm about to head out for the day.
Just wanted to pop in to offer some reassurance.
A friend's child DID NOT SPEAK until she was 4.5.
The parents tried various methods, but nothing worked.

Eventually, and I don't understand this, one of the therapists they saw suggested that speech development linked to physical development. The child in question couldn't jump or hop (stay with me). They worked on methods to teach her how to do this, and speech followed.

The child is now 22, entered mainstream education at 5. and has recently qualified with a BA.

OP you sound like a loving and caring mum ,keep doing what you are doing,I am sure she will be fine,some children just take longer but she will get there.

children with speech delay are always behind academically

That is absolutely, categorically untrue.Speech delays are often caused by delayed maturity of the physical parts needed for speaking.When it such an effort or impossible for the child to make the right sounds they understandably don't try to.
It's like saying a child will be less intelligent if they their teeth come through later.

Just to add, in my area a child can't even be referred for speech therapy until they're 2.6. So you're actually ahead of the game!

Incidentally, speech therapy's normally fun - my three DDs all had severe speech delays, and my son didn't. He was very annoyed he didn't get to play pop-up pirate with the speech therapist.

Yes..that child had professional input. .or else she still probably wouldn't have spoken.

But she is a totally different child with different set of needs from OPs child.

My cousin didnt speak until he was 4 or 5 and is now a professor.

My DD spoke then lost her words and is now non verbal.

My friends son had speech issues and needed SaLT until age 10. Now is doing well.

Kids are all individual.

op do you need any help for yourself, for your feelings of helplessness?
and no, dont look at anymore research papers or other papers. you are doing the right thing.

"Keep doing what you are doing and she will get there '.

No. If that was always true why would there even be speech therapists.

She sounds like she will get there but maybe need a bit of help.

All the best with her

Just because OP is worried about her child doesn't mean she has an anxiety disorder.

Dawndonna's dd here.
Mum was told I probably wouldn't walk or talk. SALT discharged me this time last year, I was almost 17! I will always have difficulty with some words and some sounds, but unless you know me reasonably well you wouldn't really notice that my speech is a little odd and my voice is a bit shouty sometimes. This is a highly academic family (both parents are lecturers) and even Mum's health visitor said that you often have one that isn't as bright as the rest. I got eight A* for my GCSEs, one A and a B.
I've just got 100% for my AS coursework in Literature, 85% for my History. I got a C for art and am hoping for a C in German (bad teaching).
Keep working on things, it may well happen. I have been to mainstream school all the way through, and although there have been some issues but none of them academic.
I'm hoping to go to Cambridge and do Lit next year.

Hang on, I have had 3 with speech delays,the OP will do herself or her daughter no good getting stressed and upset....thats why I said "keep doing what you are doing and she will get there"
Mine have all seen speech therapists so am more than aware of the "extra help" needed . I was trying to support the OP ,not appear to be throwing out useless platitudes.Good luck

extra 'but' there, apologies.

I am more anxious about her speech I think because I had a very hard time convincing and holding onto pregnancies so I feel like I have cheated the odds to have her. For the 1st year I expected to lose her or find out there was something wrong with her as I couldn't believe I was a mum at last. I'm sure being so upset about her speech is an extension of that.

It is! So try and relax and just enjoy her. You do far more in the way of activities and play than I ever did with mine or my DC do with theirs. Which is fine if you're doing it because it's fun, not because you feel you must.

Unless there are other issues (and so far it sounds like there aren't) then it will all come in its own good time.

So sorry you are feeling this way - as an SLT I can tell you that the reason you are reading everywhere about the impact of speech delays in school is because it gets emphasized to encourage people to get help before school starts, which you have done. School may well be a turning point for her in a positive way.

As someone with a child about to be diagnosed with a communication problem I totally understand your feelings of guilt and fear.
I do wonder if it might be worth trying a different nursery and persisting for a bit longer? My DS resisted dramatically at first but loves it there now and i think it really benefits him.

To be fair, Fanjo, the op has said that she has been very anxious over losing her child due to the issues she had conceiving and holding on to pregnancies.

I agree that early intervention is great, and that all children are individual and develop at different rates. However, I also think that feeling hopeless about your child failing indefinitely because of a mild speech delay when there are no other issues, is out of proportion to the issue and must be really upsetting for the op.

Your daughter is in the system with speech therapy which is great, your daughter sounds like she is bright and friendly and curious which is great, you sound fantastic and encouraging and go to lots of activities with her which is great. The speech therapy that my ds has is mostly play and fun games that I do with him, and preschool do with him with guidance from his SALT, who we see every 2 or 3 months.

I really hope you can see all the wonderful things you do, and when you have niggling worries (which shouldn't be ignored or written off), that you can talk to the appropriate people (SALT, paed, gp) - but your op sounds so down, as though you are sliding into a hole of panic and that does no-one any good.