To feel hopeless and sad that my 2 and a half year old DD has virtually been written off academically already

[OlderMummy1]

My DD is 2 and a half and has got speech delay. I referred her myself to speech therapy when she was 22 months old as I realised she was delayed when I filled in a developmental profile for her. Looking back I should have referred her earlier as she didn't make as many noises and babble as much as other babies. However, being my 1st I didn't realise how significant this was.

Speech therapy has been useful for giving me hints and tips on encouraging her to speak but we are only seen every 3-4 months. I have tried private speech therapy but she didn't seem as good as the NHS one to be honest.

On her 2nd birthday she was saying only 'mama' and 'dada'. Now at 2 and a half she has about 75 words (some very clear, some not so clear) and can use 2 word phrases 'mummy car' 'daddy gone' etc.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

Being a former teacher this upsets me greatly and I feel as if I have completely let her down by not recognising she had a problem earlier. I think I have done everything right to encourage her to speak...as a baby I talked to her none stop, she watches little TV (certainly less than her normal speaking friends) and we have always gone to a baby group/class every day. Maybe I do something wrong that I just don't see.

A few months ago lots of people were pressurising me to get her into nursery as they said this would help her speech. I found her a lovely Montessori nursery but she only went 3 times. She absolutely hated it and cried all day. She went from being a very sociable, happy little girl to a very clingy one. Luckily, after 2 weeks of not going to nursery she was back to her old self and everyone comments how affectionate and confident she is. I did find a nanny to have my 2 children for just 1 morning a week (8am-1pm). She is lovely and comes into our home. My DD loves her and is very happy to stay with her while I go upstairs to get some housework etc. done or the Nanny takes the children to the park.

This leads me to believe that it was the nursery setting that upset my DD, possibly because she couldn't really communicate with anyone. Therefore, maybe it is inevitable that she will go on to have an unhappy school life and be unable to reach her potential academically. I hated school as I was painfully shy so I have done my best to make my DD as sociable as possibly. However, it seems I have condemned her to the same unhappy experience as I had.

I have set up a room as a learning space for her which contains all Montessori equipment, art/craft materials etc. I plan activities for my DD every day and we have a lot of fun. I am so scared of her leaving this place where she is happy, secure and safe and going off to a nursery where she is destined to fail all because of her speech. According to what I have read she will be behind in everything because she has speech delay. Someone even suggested the other day that I claim DLA for her. Has she really got a disability that will affect the rest of her life?

I was so stressed this morning that I frantically tried to get her to say some 3 word phrases. She tried her hardest but didn't do great. We both ended up in tears. I feel like the most dreadful mother in the world. Heaven help my newborn if I can't even help my 1st child to succeed.

My ex husband's side of the family are late talkers. His brother was thought to be deaf and was beginning sign language when he announced that he didn't like the programme they were watching. They asked him why he hadn't spoken before, and he said it was because he didn't have anything he wanted to say!

My son and his cousin didn't say an intelligible sentence until they were four. They're men now, no issues and my son has just completed an advanced college course.

Try not to get too worked up about it, your child is still a baby, really.

It is far too early to say if your dds speech delay is linked to other academic areas. You sound (over) anxious, which is understandable but not necessarily helpful.

Imo, setting up a playroom as a nursery rather than encouraging her to settle at nursery may not be the best way forward. Is there a particular reason you want her to attend a Montessori nursery? Where do her friends go to nursery? She may be happier in a setting where she knows the other children already.

My Ds1 had a speech delay and had speech therapy. He was reading simple books by 3.5, was ahead academically at school, but struggled socially.

Please don't worry too much, at 2.5 they are really still babies. Neither of mine walked until they were 18 months, I worried myself silly with ds1 that it meant he would never do so. Of course, once he started walking he caught up with all his peers. I was really laid back with ds2 as I knew he would do it eventually.

you are completely overreacting. Shes tiny.

Children talk at different ages. They havent read the same websites as you. Shes already talking really well. chill out

My DH didn't speak until he was four, yet went on to be absolutely brilliant academically - top of his class all the way through.

Don't worry OP, speech delay is pretty common and doesn't mean your DD will struggle later on.

Sorry - I posted the Einstein bit... It was meant as an extreme example of why the rate of talking isnt necessarily linked to intelligence.

If it offended anyone, I'm sorry.

Perhaps what I should have said is that I can find little evidence linking long term intellectual development with speech progress at age 2.

FWIW my first child talked ridiculously early. Full, eloquent sentences just before 2. She is no more or less bright than her peers. My second child is a much later talker. Ditto. It's one of those things.

People here can't assess her and their experiences don't really mean much as they are individual.

If you are worried have another assessment done which will show either if there is an issue or reassure you that all is well.

Of course you are right, fanjo, but the OP's post was about "writing" a child off at age 2 in academic terms. Which saddened me as it is just plain wrong - even if there is a speech delay.

Dd1 had to have speech therapy, her understanding was fine but her speech was so bad she could only be understood by people who knew her well.

The only problem it caused was with reading because the sounds that she used weren't the sounds that really make up the word iyswim.

Shes just finished year 5 and is doing great, shes at the top end of her class and has no problems with reading, she really enjoys it. She got it in her own time and not only caught up but over took a lot of the people who were doing better than her in keystage 1.

Don't panic

My DD2 was only just linking words at the same age.

She had 2 blocks of speech therapy whilst in Nursery.

I highly recommend Baby Talk by Dr Sally Ward

DD2's speech is still immature at age nearly 10, and it does affect her spelling. But she is doing better academically than her much more verbal elder sister was at her age.

Daddypig. Yes that is a bad thing to do.

But OP is obviously very worried. And stressed. .have been there.

I agree with fanjo. Don't panic, don't despair, absolutely no need for either. But do take it seriously (which you are doing) and keep up with the speech therapy. And make sure that she's in a language rich environment. Nursery is better for speech development than a home where nobody talks to the child (sadly all too common), but not better than a home where you and your nanny chatter constructively with your DD a lot of the time, and she watches a bit of well-chosen CBeebies (eg Teletubbies DVDs) when you need a break. Do talk to her nanny about this.

You haven't said how her understanding is, and whether she's had a proper professional hearing assessment.

My cousin had very few words at three and when he started school his speech was pretty unintelligible by anyone who didn't know him well. He was in speech therapy as a toddler and until he was seven or eight. You would never know now. He passed four A-levels at A* and is now at medical school training to be a doctor.

Speech delay in the early years does not mean that your DD will struggle academically, lots of children are delayed in speech when they are very young and there are big differences between typically developing toddlers of the same age. It is possible her delayed speech is an indicator of a learning difficulty or additional needs of some kind but, equally, it could be a specific speech delay which won't effect any other areas of her learning and which, with support, she will catch up with. Your DD is having speech therapy and it should help her - as others have said I would push for her to be seen more frequently if possible.

That said, don't put too much pressure on your DD to speak in longer sentences, try and make talking and babbling fun and model lots of language just slightly above where she is (so if she is able to put two key-words (eg: doll drinking) together perhaps use phrases with three key-words in (eg: doll's drinking milk) when you play. Perhaps play games which would encourage her to talk like putting on a puppet show. If you have another adult present quite a good thing to encourage children to talk is pretend to go to sleep and have the adult make a toy do something your child will want to tell you about, for example they could have a doll make a mess on the floor. 'Wake up' and be shocked at the mess and want to know who did it and your DD will hopefully be full of excitement and want to tell you. You can then say 'well I'm going back to sleep, I hope Dolly doesn't do anything else silly!' Of course the dolly then comes back and does something else. This can be repeated ad infitum! I do this with my students at school and they love it and it really gets them talking and putting more key-words together.

I completely agree with Fanjo on the individual experiences line.

Get all the help you can, try to enjoy your DD's toddlerdom, and try not to worry.

My DS also had speech delay. When he was the same age as OPs dd, he had nowhere near 75 words, in fact he didn't really talk at all. Suddenly words did start to come just after he was 3. He started reception last September at a specialist speech & language unit and miraculously was integrated back into the regular local primary in February (and signed off speech therapy) as he had made such enormous progress that he no longer needed help. He is just coming to the end of reception and has done incredibly well, exceeding expectation in some areas - and he NEVER STOPS TALKING! It's like a switch was flicked on somehow. Of course, this might not happen with OPs child but please don't write her off. It's as though you are setting her up to fail.

Ds is 3.5 his speech isn't clear, is delayed and is in speech therapy - he is doing fine at preschool and there is no talk of major developmental delay and writing him off academically - my uncle didn't talk till 3 and he is a professor of English and a dean at a university - he got a first from Cambridge and a scholarship to do his masters at Harvard.

Don't stress it really is different for every child - for some it is an indicator of other problems but the majority are just fine :)

Daddypig - DSs speech issues have massively impacted on his educational development - I have not written him off and never will do, but I may have to accept that he won't be in the Mumsnet cohort of children who go to an RG university.

The OP needs a full assessment by a therapist and not to believe all is well based on a series of anecdotes.

Her DD may be fine, she may be overreacting, but not one person on here can say that with absolute confidence.

As a nursery nurse and a childminder I can honestly say your daughter is really not that unusual ,please try to stop worrying your stress will transfer to your daughter and exasperate the problem . Take your daughter out mix with other children ,do fun things and try to enjoy this precious time with her and I'm sure this time next year you will look back and wonder what you got so worried about.

the struggling at school is if they don't get any help, which you are making sure she does.

tbh I think it's as bad the other way with the early developers. dd is in reception and I've heard a couple of parents talking about how well their child is doing 'academically' .

It will be tempting and nice to believe all these tales of people not speaking then being doctors, Einstein and going to Harvard but that is not always the case by a long way so don't let them put you off having input and an assessment.

I mean my daughter couldn't speak at 3 and still can't. But she is a different and it is incredibly unlikely that is the case. She isnt those other late talking child prodigies either.

So have HER assessed.

I say this with much kindness.

Being referred to a SALT doesn't mean that development isn't within normal range - it's just that there is plenty of evidence that early intervention, monitoring and support for a concern is beneficial. DS was referred because he had a slight stammer around the time of his 2 year check. It went away on its own quickly but it was good to have his hearing checked and advice on how to deal with it. (IE NOT continually correct words and make him repeat himself thank you MIL)

I agree that you need to relax, keep playing, keep on with the groups and show her that talking and communication can be fun - nonsense rhymes, songs, jingles, tongue twisters. I also agree with the PP - TV can be really helpful. Especially interactive stuff like Mr Tumble and knowing about TV characters will also help her social skills with her peers. It gives them something in common to talk about

She is different.

Not " a different". Although she is certainly unique.

I was reading online last night to try and get some tips on how to start encouraging her to put 3 words together but all I seemed to come across was how children with speech delay are always behind academically which leads to many of them disliking education.

My dd 11 spoke fluently before her second birthday, it was like speaking to an adult, academically she is as thick as mince lacking.

My ds 9 never spoke until about 2.5 -3 academically is ahead of his peers.

You are putting way to much pressure on your dd and yourself, you need to let her be a toddler and find her way and enjoy her, you will look back on this part of her life and regret it.

First off, I agree with everyone saying you are getting too anxious about this and not to worry so much or pressure your DD.

The one thing I think you should do is push hard for more frequent therapy sessions. I know little about speech therapy, specifically, but long gaps between lessons doesn't make for effective learning. You wouldn't send a child to swimming lessons every 3-4 months and expect them to be a good swimmer on that basis. Ask for more or seek out a good private therapist who can see her more often.

Thank you all for your responses. I know I am probably over reacting and most of the time I can think that at least she is happy and healthy and that's all that matters. It's just when I read article after article which says that poor speech often leads to difficultly at school. Admittedly, these aren't research papers so maybe I should look up a few of these to get a clearer picture.

My DD has had her hearing checked and seen a paediatrician and no problems have been found. She understands everything that is said to her and is generally a happy, well behaved and sweet little girl. Her social skills are actually very advanced for her age. She shares well, plays cooperatively, understands that she mustn't be unkind to others as it makes them sad etc. We do go to a toddler group of some description every day - art/craft, ballet, dance, music, swimming, general toddler group etc. so I think that this has helped her socially. She can just go into a room of strangers and make friends with a few children within minutes. She does like to check occasionally that I am still there but spends the rest of the time ignoring me. She is currently doing very well with potty training.

I am more anxious about her speech I think because I had a very hard time convincing and holding onto pregnancies so I feel like I have cheated the odds to have her. For the 1st year I expected to lose her or find out there was something wrong with her as I couldn't believe I was a mum at last. I'm sure being so upset about her speech is an extension of that.

Most days I try not to push the speech too much. She has a lot of input from family and extended family and is loved very much by everyone.

As far as activities i do with her are concerned.... For example, this morning we made a little home for some insects. She collected the grass, leaves, water etc and found them some flowers to eat. Then she put some plastic bugs (and some real ones!) in their new home and she is currently bathing the plastic ladybird. I use activities like this to introduce new words and just generally talk a lot with her about what we are doing. She has learnt the word ladybird and has just said 'ladybird cold'.

I do worry sometimes that there are some more formal activities/speech programs I should be doing with her rather than just through play.

Well. Go and ask speech therapist these questions, please.

Not people on here who seem to think formal intervention is a really bad thing. It isn't.