AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

Yes yes yes to all of this, I also think this very much contributed over time to my relationship breakdown ( apart from OW that is ) as when my DS were little it did often feel like I had 3 kids.

As many others have said I often found it difficult to articulate everything I was doing because to him it was often invisible and I'm sure he thought stuff 'just happened'.

As a single parent I don't really find life that much harder now that I've got over all the resentment of having to do every bloody thing. Its just the way it is and at least I don't have his mess to clean up too.

It does make me feel that I never want to live with anyone again.

Now off to google wife work.

I often think the only way he would realise what I actually do is if I died, but perhaps that would be a somewhat drastic solution.

In our house 'the washing fairy' went on strike when she got pissed off with not being appreciated. Only a certain persons clothes wouldn't be washed you understand...
My DH does all the meal planning and online shopping order every week now. I do laundry/ironing while he does that. It's a huge help (he's away this weekend and I've had to do BOTH!)
Try sitting him down and asking him to do the food plan/list every other week initially, then delegate the whole lot!

We are going on a four week camping trip on Wednesday.

Today and Tuesday are our only days to get sorted.

Dh decided to clear the garden

I rest my sodding case.

DH does the car (but only if I find any documents he needs and provide the money, most of the DIY (sometimes I help physically other times I have to plan think it all through and provide the money), takes the bins out, does the dishwasher and "wipes" the surfaces with dirty cold water.

I do everything else. Every single thing.

He said we treat him like a skivvy, because of the above list of things that are "his". If he's even asked to pass something on the table at dinner there's much sighing and rolling of the eyes as passing the salt just goes to show how much he is expected to do around the house. I work part time a few hours a day, he works 9 to 5, and this is his reasoning as to why he is suffering so badly.

I particularly find it hilarious when there is washing on the bed waiting to be put away, he will get under it, under the covers. Even if said washing is in a basket, he'll balance it on my side of the bed.

Oh I could go on and on and on. And yes I have read Wifework. But what can you do when your husband is such a skivvy?

Arethereanyleftatsll, you are being had! Big time!

Can I just say this exists in all households by this i mean a same sex married couple so its not necessarily a feminist issue it's an attitude

It's one of the reasons I handed in my notice bravepotato;,the realisation I was going to have to do everything regardless if whether I woh or not. Now, I don't mind.

Everyone - so there's loads of us on same situation; all ladies I know in real life f

Find this too. But, is there anything at all we can do about it?
(For I'm not going to divorce the man I love over this)!
So, we're powerless aren't we?

All these posts are exactly the reason why I do end do much time teaching my two ds to doing the housework. From hoovering to emptying dishwasher, tidying the shopping. It's funny how a 10 and 9 yo can actually do these things but somehow some men don't seem to be able to do it.

The behaviour described on here is just appalling in my opinion. Just as it is very surprising as his many women are happy to take on the martyr role, do everything 'because he is so crap at it'. Well don't f* let him get away with it!

I do agree that having children change the balance and I'm oersonnay convinced that the longer ML doesn't help at all. A full year where he doesn't have to do anything 'because his de us at home so she should shoulder all the HW. let's forget she is also caring full time for a baby, his baby and the mum teturning up work us coming as a shock. Nit only he needs to go back to do things he had stopped doing but he us also suppose to look after another being that he usually has never been in full charge if because mummy us always there to pick up the pieces/direct anyway.

Hus and I have had a humdinger of an argument about this, this morning.

Hus works as do I, I work from home for him, as he goes out (trademan). For the last week or so I've been getting up really early or staying up late to get stuff done, as others have said I do all the wifework and am reaching or have reached breaking point.

Ive been sulking for a couple of days about this so hasn't helped, but this morning we've had a huge argument and hus is threatening to jack in his work so hes at home to clear the dishwasher. I've told him hes being childish but apparently its now all my fault that he will stop his work. Im in tears, how do you say to someone you don't get a medal for making breakfast or taking dc to school a couple of days a week. I think what has really f me off is he says hes too busy to do these things.

I asked a similar question about this whole topic earlier in the year but couldn't phrase it as eloquently as this whole topic is "wife work"...I didn't agree to this, I've just done it and made a rod for my own back but how do people point out all the planning they do to someone who doesn't see it eg making bags up, checking the clothes are cleaned for the week ahead, packing and booking holidays..

Ive no idea why im typing this but I had half a mind to send him a text after this morning to say move out ive had enough. Im not a great communicator and do sulk but if we talk later this evening Ill be the one that's supposed to apologize and be more supportive (apparently running the house isn't enough...Im supposed to read over docs etc and comment) i think as I type this there are two different issues going on...but im spent...apologies for venting

toni it's frustrating when they don't listen to you.
I'm taking wife work on holiday and intend to read bits out to him.
I huffed off to bed last night and to be fair he's had a productive day today but you should t have to bloody row to get stuff done.

OneDream, hopefully split maternity leave will reduce that.

Oh I'm glad to see this, DH used to be a single parent so had to do all the household work, when I moved in, everything fell back onto me, even when I was working FT too.

I spent a couple of years when DS1 was a baby/toddler trying to do everything, be perfect and it went a long way to my PND being so bad, I'm sure of it.

Slowly DH is doing more and more, but it is slow going and it does upset me at times. ' 'What do you want me to do' winds me up so much.

This evening DH made toast, he joined me in the sitting room and proceeded to ask me what brand of bread we have. How the chuff do I know? I've not just been handling the stuff. I got look when I explained that I didn't fucking know.

I have heard it suggested that a significant proportion of PND is an understandable response to a shitty situation - similar to you, PinkSquash.

I think what has really f me off is he says hes too busy to do these things.

toni74 Perhaps you could stop doing so much for his business, oh I don't no, send him to an appointment that you failed to tell him had been cancelled? When he complains say "Well I was too busy unloading the dishwasher to do work for the business as well."

Just slack right off on it.

When he notices say: "right, we have four areas of work in this house. We have the trade work, we have the business admin, we have the childcare and we have the housework. Right now I am doing three out of four and I can't cope. You say you can't cope with doing more than one out of four. So, what do you suggest? Cos if you won't suggest anything the easiest thing for me would be if you were not here and the housework reduced. Not having YOU to look after 100% might just be the one thing that makes me able to cope."

This thread has obviously resonated with so many people - it's a shame but at least we know we're not the only ones.

I work PT and do all childcare outside of school hours whereas DH works FT. I do the vast majority of the organisation and chores which I do not have a problem with now we've settled down into this routine. The only things I don't do in our house is any DIY and weekend cooking. Pretty much everything else is down to me.

What does annoy me are:

• after spending ages researching stuff (eg energy supplier/which appliance to get to replace broken one) and writing it all down/printing it out, DH doesn't read it without me nagging or appreciate how long it's taken me to get the best deal/item. If I comment he will then thank me or sometimes just says not to spend so long if it bothers me, just get the first one. However he'll spend ages happily looking at holidays or gadget research whilst we have a lots if urgent stuff that needs fixing.
• DH not helping with getting DC ready to leave house at weekend to go to swimming/walk/day out/shops/anywhere really. Just because I do it every other day, he still doesn't think ahead to how long it takes them to stop playing, get shoes and coats on and go to the toilet. Literally, I'm there trying to do things before we leave such as hang out the washing and he's on his iPad or playing with them up to the point we have to leave and then he shouts at the DC for not getting ready as soon as he says (even though they had no idea we were about to go out).
• DH taking offence when I suggest how to handle the DCs when they're misbehaving. I see them a lot more than he does - I'm partly helping him manage them better and partly trying to stop him from upsetting them further/derailing situation. He takes great offence and thinks he can discipline the children how he likes, doesn't acknowledge that I do know them better and what they respond to. Worse thing is he'll snap back at me in front of them.

I really hate the face - I get it too if I dare to say I don't know something off the top of my head.

DH has been known to wake me from sleep to ask me where the wipes are. Presumably his eyes weren't working at that point, because they were in the nappy changing bag as they always are.

This is a very good thread, very honest.

What can be done about it?

I am still working on it!

No quick fix, but you need the inner conviction that the situation is not right and you ate not willing to put up with it.

This inner conviction will stop you from re-doing jobs he has done crappily, instead you say: not like that, try again.

This inner conviction will mean that when he sits down with a beer in front of the telly whilst you look at the pile of washing up, you will get him to do it, or doit with you. As being a martyr is an option that sucks.

For every little thing you feel is wrong, you address is it, unemotionally, but businesslike.

You need to have the inner conviction to keep it up, until new habits are formed.

You also need to remember that the word "nagging" was invented by men who feel they should never have to do any housework.

Really resonates with me. I don't even know how to change it. Recently DH gave up gardening. His hay fever is just too bad. 'We're getting a gardener' he declared..... You know what comes next...... I am suddenly responsible for paying gardener, making drinks for gardener, arranging time for him to come and explaining what we'd like done each time.

DH is a nice man and a fantastic father but he works in an international role. If I was to hand over something what would happen when he went away for three weeks at a time?

The weird thing is I am in a fairly senior role at work and am totally capable of delegating to a large team of men.

Why is home so different I wonder?

I'm exhausted with a 2 year old and a 4 month old and just feel so under appreciated by everyone sometimes but especially DH which is unfair because he'd do anything to help me provided I told him what to do first!

I think he sums up our relationship at Christmas times when he says 'I'll buy you anything you want so long as you tell me what you want'. Sometimes it's the thinking bit that is most absent but would make the most difference.

Blimey DP doesn't sound too bad compared to some of these layabouts! A few of his friends are horrified with me because I don't put away his washing, I leave it on his side of the bed. They actually can't believe I don't put it away for him. DP laps up the sympathy.