AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

I absolutely understand, a degree of this goes on in our house too.

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this is repeating someone else but one thing I have tried to do which has really helped is, with DH's knowledge, to stop worrying as much, to stop thinking ahead so much, to try to let go and see what happens. i.e. to say to DH, you are now responsible for X, Y & Z and MEAN it. And let him get on with it and make his own mistakes, or not.

I know I know it's so hard but you have to think, what's the worst that can happen? DC might miss their swimming lesson, might go to school without the right stuff...etc. Then DH will learn because he'll have to fix it. I think sometimes we women feel like if we let go the world will crumble..........but really it probably won't. I was so relived to discover that actually. Of course DH is perfectly capable of keeping on top of some of our family things. The only issue we almost had was DS almost getting to school too late on a few occasions. I say almost because he has never actually been late, but very nearly. I'd have been stressing. DH didn't. They weren't actually late anyway. Point proven to me that sometimes I worry unnecessarily.

Not sure if any of that helps but just........(me) letting go......... has helped with our situation.

Ok I'm probably going to be flamed for this but here goes.

It's pointless complaining x years into your relationship after having x number of children. I never married but had two long-term live-in relationships. No children because I couldn't have any. Even before moving in together, I made it clear that I was not their mother - we were in a partnership which meant us both pulling our weight. There were a few lapses but generally it worked well.

Why haven't you dealt with the problem before now? If you expect your husbands/partners to morph into a fully functioning adult I think you've left it too late.

PS Well said Peggy

Fari point - re my situation my DH/et has changed several times and so that means a lagg in terms of a change in expectations and roles sometimes.

Lisa, it's okay, I think I sometimes think that things are worse than they are. DP probably finds it a bit annoying in me at times (he's said so), but I don't think it's a massive problem. :) I hope you got your situation sorted though, I understand that it can be a problem, especially if the other person isn't happy with it.

Annie, I was asked this in another thread and my explanation was taken the wrong way, I think.
But, I'm not a feminist as feminism has become something which is largely used to blame men for any problem a woman may have. I know this is not the idea of feminism, but it's undeniable that many use it as such, and it's certainly something I see plastered all over social media. For example, "I didn't get that job, they hired a man instead. How sexist!" when many times it will be that the man is better qualified/performed better at interview, etc. That's obviously a very basic example, and again I know that in some cases, yes it will be sexism.

Last time I was accused of needing to read up on it and being 'against women' since I'm not a feminist so basically, I'm neither a feminist or a masculist (or maybe I'm a mixture of both? ) as I believe in equal rights for everyone. Why not campaign against sexism in general? I have read books and articles (both factual and opinion-orientated) on the subject, and it just wasn't for me. I actually found The Female Eunuch to be quite aggressive. :/

My other point was that I admire those of you who actively try to change things through the feminist movement. I don't think I'd be able to commit enough time to do so, and wouldn't be able to attend meetings, talks, protests, or make a thorough contribution online.

I don't ignore problems if they don't affect me, with the things I can help with, I will. :)

Sorry if that was an essay, I wanted to make sure it's known that I'm not condemning feminism, I think if a cause is important to someone then of course it should be acknowledged.

This thread is thoroughly depressing. I don't think I'd have much respect for dh if he didn't take part in the thinking behind bringing up our children.

I think you made a good point silveroldie. :)

Anyone else get "are these dishes clean?"
Yep. He gets the response "open the door and look for yourself"

Numanoid - well, kinda fair enough, but I'd agree with whoever said you don't really understand what feminism is about and are throwing the baby out with the bathwater somewhat. But I used to think like you did until I got involved with and actually listened to other feminists instead of just reading "this is what feminists believe, see how they hate men/like to blame men for everything " stuff on the internet. So I get why you feel like you do.

Oh, and you don't have to be an activist to be a feminist, who does have the time!

That is true, with work, things to be done in the house and everything else these days there's hardly time for anything. :(

I'm not boasting (genuinely not!), but my thesis, although not about feminism, did largely focus on feminism and woman's roles in society (it was originally about politics in a certain country and the development of their political ideals and how that changed based on leadership and other factors), and I had to read a lot on it. Possibly almost as much as I originally had, when I decided to learn more as a teenager.

Well, I did take a tiny bit of offence because I have read quite a bit on the subject (well, in my mind, but then again I don't know how to quantify it, 'quite a bit' can vary between different people), and have talked to a few feminists over the years - 2 who are friends, and a few others when I went to visit the Women's Library in my city (nice place, albeit down an out-the-way alley which wasn't great). I respect their views, just don't share all of them.

But I know this is the internet, and we don't know what everyone has/hasn't done. Also realise that this might come across like I'm annoyed/argumentative - I'm really not.

I fantasis about going round the house and putting post it notes (they'd be colour coded to levelof irritation) on everything that irks me.

BUT I refrain cos that would just be childish wouldnt it, instead I bit might tounge and say them nicely spread out so it doesnt seem like a nag.

He gets on to me about stuff too

Numanoid, I absolutely respect that and apologise for assuming that you just needed to "read more". While I don't understand how you reached the position you have chosen to take I certainly have far more respect for someone who has actually researched what feminism is about and decided that they are not one than someone who reads on the Internet that feminists are bitter man-haters who think women are nothing but victims and/or attempting to replace male domination with female domination!

I will say though, just to stir things up, that IMO you sound like you are a feminist and agree with feminist theory, even if you don't actually identify as one!

Oh God yes.

It's not DH's fault he works long hours but I take such a hit on the rest of my life being the organiser, the person who waves off to a school trip, but person who watches the class assemblies, the person to takes them to the Dr - it's really hard to get a career going again. I feel I have to think for the whole family sometimes.

One of the problems I think is that its often easier to just do it yourself.

When it was just me and him organising our lives was easy but as children came into the equation and the jobs mount up (mostly trivial I grant you but still need to be done if ds isnt to be the only one in the class without pyjamas for the end of year pj party).

You dont notice how much stuff there is to think of.

Then I got leukaemia and have been an inpatient for most of the last 3 months. He has had to learn to think like a 'mum' which he is perfectly capable of doing. Its not been plain sailing. I have had to relax my standards and some things have been missed. It took 90min for him to complete the first online shop! I will still remind him about the important stuff while I am here to do so but more often than not now he already has it under control.

Getting cancer is a rather drastic solution but if one partner knows all the house and family stuff and the other hasnt a clue what happens if the worst does happen?

When my DH asks "shall I put a coat on DS" or "do the DC need suncream" I have in the past replied "I don't know DH, why don't you ask one of his parents?" Gets the point across quite well.

I feel like this sometimes, it builds and builds and builds, ends up in an almighty row, me with snot pouring and tears and him going "you should have told me how you were feeling" totally ignoring the fact that I do, like, EVERY DAY but it has to end up in a screaming match and a meltdown before he'll notice.

I like that idea balloon going to try it.
I have just had a hot busy day doing lots of organising for our holiday, dh has been at work to be fair and has redeemed himself with cold wine.

I am slowly learning the Noble Art of Not Doing Things and the ' Haven't a fucking clue ' as a universal answer.

Slowly, slowly it is working. And he is learning that though we are a team, and we share tasks, I Will Not Do Everything.

I agree that total organisational responsibility for different areas is the only way. He shops. I don't interfere. I cook. He stays out of it. He washes dishes, I don't. I still get pissed off because I don't think the split is fair and want him to take on responsibility for some cleaning, e.g. I do upstairs, he does downstairs, but by sheer bloody refusal to step in on my pare we are approaching parity.

It's pointless complaining x years into your relationship after having x number of children. I never married but had two long-term live-in relationships. No children because I couldn't have any. Even before moving in together, I made it clear that I was not their mother - we were in a partnership which meant us both pulling our weight. There were a few lapses but generally it worked well.

Yes, DH and I were together for 10 years before dd was born, and it worked just fine then - we did have a pretty equal partnership. However, the dynamics changed when we became parents, and I guess it took a few years for me to really notice how things had evolved.

When you're one half of a couple, it's easy not to think for your partner, as they are presumably quite capable of thinking for themselves. If you don't shop or cook dinner, they're unlikely to starve. When you are a parent, though, other people are dependent on you, and you can't just leave them to it. I suspect that a lot of us just didn't know what had hit us when we first became parents, and perhaps we didn't realise till much later that the thinking about family life wasn't equally shared.

Jinsei

Completely agree. It took me a long time to realise just how much the dynamics had changed and I had become "mother."

Can I add another gripe to the list while I'm here? My DH will tell me something needs done e.g. dog needs vaccination. (The account is in his name so he gets the letters). He will then enquire after a week or so if dog has been to vet for vaccination...

Because telling me offloads the responsibility of course

Silver oldie, dynamics often change massively after kids, whether it's because there's a period of maternity leave, money is tighter so paying a cleaner or for ready meals is easier, one or both parents have gone part time etc.

Can I add another gripe to the list while I'm here? My DH will tell me something needs done e.g. dog needs vaccination. (The account is in his name so he gets the letters). He will then enquire after a week or so if dog has been to vet for vaccination

When I went back to work I gave DH all the phone numbers for the kids' dentists, doctors, etc, and let him know we'd be splitting the job of taking them to appointments equally.

For months he kept telling me the kids were due to see the dentists. Each time I'd nod and agree.

After a few months he asked me if I had the dentist's number so I pointed out that he had it in his phone.

Finally he got it...

When my DH asks "shall I put a coat on DS" or "do the DC need suncream" I have in the past replied "I don't know DH, why don't you ask one of his parents?" Gets the point across quite well

I like this and will be using it :-)

When we go out to BBQs, friends homes for a meal, dh automatically serves himself food whilst I sort out the dc then myself. It does not occur to him that they need to eat first even if they are running around having fun.

As a poster stated, men switch off whereas women are always on the ball.