AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

"Instructions" probably wasn't the right word! It's more "I'm going to be late, you'll have to do dinner" "What did you have in mind?" "I was going to do X, but there's also Y which you'd probably find eaiser".

Or, if I'm away for a few days. "What would you like to me to buy for you for meals while I'm away?" "OK, I've got you X, Y and Z"

Basically, meals are my department so I wouldn't just abandon him with an empty fridge, or stuff he wouldn't really know what to do with - any more than he would abandon me with no clean clothes!

Ah okay, I had the idea of a list of tasks or something similar, I wouldn't mind that sort of 'instruction'. :) I do it too, if I'm working late and DP is at home and has time to make dinner. And vice versa.

It's just that so many posters seem to think it's a man thing, when our household is the complete opposite. I do my share, but DP does take charge of the cleaning and cooking, and does take it upon himself to do more housework.

I have similar issues. DH was pretty good until. He started back travelling internationally 3 years ago, at least 2 weeks gone at a time now, and generally 2 weeks away, 2 weeks here. He works FT while here. So do I. We only have 1 dd but she has ADHD/aspergers, so needs carful handling at times.

I am the thinker, planner, organiser and have to do everything while he's away, and not much less than that when he's here. So keep track of DDs multiple sports training and matches, keep an eye for all notes from school or party invites, source dressing up costumes (this year, I was sewing a robe for Harry potter's Quidditch uniform at 10.30pm!) and relevant books, remember golden time days for games to go to school, make sure there are clean clothes, start preparing a week ahead that she'll wear a dress or jeans for anything (she lives in track suits, for comfort). I sort all the household paperwork, pay the bills except the mortgage (which is a DD), plan the food shopping and menu, and then do them, make us we have savings for Christmas and hols, organise Christmas entirely, buy most birthday presents and cards, track DD's appointments and make sure I have her scripts and meds organised, go to almost everything in school (DH makes a few meetings with me, I don't think he's ever had to do one alone but I regularly do).

And then go to work where I have to do a lot of the same for my unit, having work planned and dished out to my staff, making sure we'll meet our deadlines, drop everything for urgent political crises but make sure we still finish all on time, keep my own work going, sort out personnel issues and be the listening ear for my staff, and organise the lunchtime talks series with a small group.

I am actually going down to a 4 day week for 5 months, to try and get some control back over the home life. I am only doing 4 days work in that period, not taking work home. Although I will probably eat my words on that one.

DH is not intentionally stepping back. But when I let him shop, we have loads of stuff but no real meals. He cooks, but forgets to do any veg, even when we've talked about it. Our. Diet is bad enough as the au pairs have all been so fussy and we are too much "ships passing in the night" needing fast meals, and dd has gotten fussy too but needs food of some sort that she will eat. And time to exercise has gone by the wayside entirely, so I am now 3 stone over my ideal weight instead of just 1.5 two years ago.

I am taking the hols (I started today, DH starts tonight! we travel on Sunday) as a chance to recharge and take a step back to get a grip on family life. I will be FT again in Feb, but apart from sorting the house and family stuff, fridayswill be about getting myself on track too and having exercise and hobby time for a couple of. Months. Not just feeling so completely lost as a person rather than a machine, say I am now.

Sorry about epic length, I think I needed a rant

What I have found helpful when DH is being particularly useless at Thinking or forgets to do something basic regarding the running of the home and tries to blame me for not reminding him, I fix him with a beady stare and say "Yes, sorry, my fault, I went and mistook you for a responsible adult again."

Gosh this thread has struck a chord with me. Its just so bloody relentles isnt it. We are going away today for the weekend and dh has just moaned at me for packing too much (we have 2 small dd's and its self catering) so I have told him that when we go away again in a few weeks, he can pack the lot. Ill just turn up when its time to go. I think he thinks Im joking. Not sure Ive got the balls to go through with it though. Its would just be a complete cock up

Numanoid, erm, just because you have an (apparently rare) DP who is capable of taking on actual responsibility doesn't mean it's not a feminist issue for everyone else! It's patently obvious from this thread this it is an issue of gender when women are so overwhelmingly expected to magically keep the house running smoothly.

Annie, I didn't mean it to boast, if anything I felt a bit ashamed that I don't jump up and do more cleaning! But I just wanted to show that not all man are like that. My dad and stepdad do their fair share, or more, as well.

In some cases it will be, but not all. Although I think that if Dadsnet existed as such a popular site on its own, we'd be hearing many stories from men in similar situations as some of the posters on this thread, is all.

Had a melt down with DH a few weea ago.

It was Saturday am, I'm running about getting dd ready/headless chicken.

He saunters into the kitchen saying 'what will I wear today?'

I went and said something along the lines of 'do I have to make every fucking decision in this house FFS?'

And he was a bit but has since really recognised how much mental energy it all takes.

He's trying really hard, bless him

after reading through a lot of this I cant believe some of the silly things people saying they need to worry about like paying bills or what to wear or whatever else is may be - you need to lighten up a bit I think - some people sound very controlling and regimented...

paying bills - easy set up direct debits then forget...

worry about what DCs are going to wear and if its clean - forget it - look in wardrobe and see whats clean - no worrying or thinking needed - no need to plan ahead unless a special occasion.

teachers gifts? really - fuck that don't give them anything

birthday presents/cards - sorry I don't do birthdays so no worrying needed - OH does though - that's his choice and he organises what he wants to do.

answering party invites - really how many invites do you need to answer? must be once in a blue moon.

renew car insuarance - its once a year FFS - hardly onerous.

a lot of the complaints here about doing things is making something over nothing, they are all completely trivial.

I didn't think you were boating, Numanoid, just a bit "I'm alright Jack". It is rarely the stance of feminism that All Men Are Like That on any issue. But the NAMALT (yes, we even have an acronym for it, we hear it so often) argument doesn't change the fact that some, or indeed many men are like that. And while women are suffering from being mentally overburdened by the men who Are Like That, this remains a feminist issue.

While I appreciate that the plural of anecdote is not data, I suspect from personal experience that there are a great many more households where women take full mental responsibility for the running of that household than ones where men take responsibility.

I think the tide is finally turning in the case of actual physical performance of housework (though very slowly, as so many "AIBU to be sick of doing all the housework/childcare?" threads on MN attest). But I believe that the mental housework still falls incredibly heavily on the shoulders of women.

peggyundercrackers - you post reads as "well it's not something I personally struggle with so the rest of you are obviously just making a fuss about nothing", which it utterly lacking in empathy.

If you can't identify with another person's struggles, that's fine and valid. But it's not acceptable to belittle or dismiss them just because you personally don't experience or understand it.

I actually work longer hours than my DH and whilst he does 90% of the physicalm"doing" i still do 90% of the thinking.

The biggest hurdle for me is that DH and I have different standards and I don't know how you get over that. So for example DCs birthday he'll ring around their friends parents (after getting their numbers from me) and take the DCs out for an activity. The End.

I on the other hand stress about invitations, follow ups, checking parents actually ok with designated dangerous activity, decorations, cake, party bags, thank you cards etc etc.

I love being responsible for it all - I am a control freak, so if it is all down to me, it gets done right.

DH is happy to leave the minutiae of daily life to me, and that's partly why I married him. We complement each other.

He will tell me after a holiday that it is all down to my excellent planning that we had such a good time - so appreciates the efforts put in...

I also LET HIM KNOW the efforts that are being put in - when we talk about our day, some will be about work, but the rest will be about arranging this and that, and can he book this date off because that is happening, can he empty the bin, book the car service, pick up DD from her friend's. Or that I've moved money about for this and that, I've got the dog into kennels for our holiday.. blah,blah,blah - if he doesn't KNOW, he doesn't get the chance to show his appreciation.

So some of us do actually like "being in charge"..

peggy I hate the MN fall back "did you mean to be so rude" but did you actually read what you had written before posting?

If you did that might explain why party invites are "once in a blue moon" in your house.

It's the constant thinking for them that gets me. "What shall i put in packed lunches ?" "What shall i do with this" "what do you want me to do with dinner" "what do you need me to do today", as if i was born with the answers to all domestic questions in my head

It's "what do you want me to do" that really gets me and always gets a cross response. I dunno, use the eyes you were born with and have a look round. Nobody tells me, funnily enough i look around and see what needs doing. Having a penis does not mean you cannot do the same

Although i do agree with peggy that people seem to make life difficult for themselves.

Pastperfect, really how long does it take to deal with a party invitation ? Text or email "thankyou, badgerette, would love to come", stick gift, card and wrapping paper in trolley when doing shopping. Wrap gift before leaving.

That is literally 15 minutes, tops. You were going to get your child dressed anyway, presumably.

Peggy make it sound as if we are all obsessing over a couple of minor things & if we all just chilled out a bit everything would magically sort itself

Well unless you live in some magic little bubble where either money is no object & you outsource everything or simply don't care, explain how all the jobs in our family of 4 would get done without a second thought. A few examples:

Planning, buying & making/cooking breakfast, lunch & evening meal plus adequate drinks & snacks.

sort, wash, dry, iron & put away clothes so there's appropriate items for each day (just wear what's in the wardrobe kids won't cut it for school )

House - tidying, cleaning, sorting the entire house so it's not a squalid pit & weekly bed changing. Sorting recycling & putting the right bins out, occasional window cleaning or paying for windows (& sorting this in the first place)

Garden - mowing the lawn, weeding & general maintenance, arranging annual hedge trimming & occasional tree cutting. Add to this occasional sorting of the garage so we can actually get inside.

Shopping - planning, buying, putting away the groceries each week/month
Supervising homework & daily reading, form filling & paying for school dinners & trips, coordinating different collection times/after-school activities, attending school meetings/shows/sports day/concerts etc, making or donating items for craft fair/fete/Christmas bazaar.

Groom, feed, Flea, worm & annual injections for pets.

4 x birthdays - cake, cards, presents, party/drinks or dinner for adults. Rest of family or close friends birthdays or kids parties inc presents & cards.

Christmas - EVERYTHING!!!

My "it's only once a year FFS" list includes car tax, mot & service (including booking time off to sit & wait for it to be done), insurance, on-going maintenance of said cars. Checking & potentially changing utility bill providers, home insurance, life/illness cover, updating wills.

Holidays - saving, researching, booking, packing for me & 2 kids, arranging cat feeding.

Going out - anyone sorted a babysitter?

And this is just off the top of my head everyday stuff - no house moves, not accounting for ad hoc breakdowns , upkeep, purchases or repairs, no other family/friends to care for or consider, not one-off big parties etc .

So yes of course not stressing about every little detail is good HOWEVER, for 1 person to manage all these things alone (plus likely also have a job) is a burden that can really get you down sometimes.

I totally get you - out situation as per your OP is the same. He will do bath time for example, I can be busy studying trying to compose an essay and he will constantly interrupt me to ask where stuff is.

My ongoing 'complaint/concern' is our budget. I plan it, I dont know if it is right, there are not long term financial plans. He is easy going about what we have to spend. If I splash out he doesnt question it. The I try to rein things in. I just want him to have some input. He works hard to earn it and I dont want to feel we turn round and think fuck where has it all gone, then he'll turn to me...

I feel re domestic stuff I have to mega organisded and get house v tidy everything in its place so it is idiot proof to use run when required to do so.

But alas we wouldnt have space for all the required fuck off flashing neon in your face signs.

Sigh, this thread is making me feel sad - I feel the same and it's so frustrating. I do (eg) laundry because I enjoy it - but hate being the one to have to remember to buy toilet roll. DH has some jobs which he does (mowing lawn, pets are now his responsibity after I had a meltdown). He is also a bit better with kids' parties now I work some weekends - he will wrap present that I have purchased!

But, I do feel resentful. It's the thinking and planning which is exhausting. I work part time so "have more time" - despite most of this extra time being filled with the school run. In particular we can't seem to solve meals and shopping - that's on my list to tackle next. DH has complained about it - but won't help solve it!

andsmile - that drives me crazy too. DH leaves all the budgeting to me, but when we have lean months (generally due to some large unexpected expense) and I ask him to be careful because we have no money left, he'll fix me with this accusing stare and demand to know where it all went. Then he'll pore over the bank statements for a couple of hours, wonder out loud at why various things cost so much and then go back to ignoring the whole business until the next bad month crops up.

pastperfect you obviously don't know me or my family so don't know how many party invites we get - you've obviously assumed by your clever intuition that we don't get many though... to me one a month or so isn't many.. I wasn't being rude although I realise I am being a bit unsympathetic - just think a lot of the things being moaned about are completely trivial like organising car insurance once a year - or completely meaningless like worrying what to wear...

A lot of the time these things are issues because you have different standards from other people - if you want these things done a certain way you NEED to be prepared to do them yourself.

NewShoesTwoShoes how can you NOT remember to buy toilet roll if you go shopping? the easy way to resolve shopping is do it online and get it delivered - at least when you do it online both of you can be present...

I think people need to work smarter not harder - none of this is rocket science really...

There was a thread a couple of months ago where the op said she was really fed up of being the 'pivotal' person in the house. It seems to be a massive problem really with a lot of relationships. DHs seem to get credit for every little thing whereas we just get points deducted for balls dropped.

I think if I didn't organise certain things they just wouldn't happen. The DC wouldn't do any out of school activities, we would never go on holiday and all christmas presents would be brought on 23rd December.