AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

trufflehunter I have 4 DC under 10. it's not unusal to have 5/6 parties on any given weekend.

Sometimes the invites are given to me, sometimes one of the DCs mentions a party but can't remember where they put the invite....I don't do the grocery shopping so have to ask our nanny to get the right gifts. If Dc 1 needs to be at x at 11am and DC3 at y at 1pm someone needs to have at least given a bit of thought to how that will happen, especially if DC2 has a rugby match at a similar time.....

But of course it's not about the invitations alone, it's about the fact that this is just #43 on a never ending list of things that as mum I am expected to take control of.

A lot of the time these things are issues because you have different standards from other people - if you want these things done a certain way you NEED to be prepared to do them yourself.

I do agree with this - my friend even complained that she HAD to fold the towels because her DH did it wrong..... After I stopped giggling (in my head - would not be rude enough to do it to her face), I just told her "No- he did it differently..."

Well, there are lots of us in the same boat, clearly.

I've struggled with the OP's issues for years and while DH has got better (and yes, I know I shouldn't have to put it like that) he still has no idea of the amount of Everyday Thinking I do & have to do to ensure everything doesn't grind to a halt. And I'm pretty much the world's most housework-averse person you could meet.

For example, I often have to work - ie in an outside office - while he's at home (freelancing, managing his own time). He still asks me what we should have for dinner although he's the one at home with time to sort it. He'll do laundry but often only his own because he 'doesn't know what temperature' my clothes need to be washed at . He will dry up dishes but not put them away because 'I don't know where they go'.

And I get the 'tell me what to do and I'll do it' line ALL. THE. SODDING. TIME. Making it somehow my fault/responsibility, not his.

He is a highly educated professional too. Yes, I've told him, and explained it all, till I'm blue in the face. We've argued about it often. Frankly I give up.

peggyundercrackers - "A lot of the time these things are issues because you have different standards from other people"

The problem here seems to be that people's partners have the same standards but aren't prepared to put in any of the mental effort required to make it happen, and then blame their wives if standards "slip". As in "why did you book us this shit holiday?" "why aren't there any clean school shirts for DD to wear?" or "why are we out of toilet paper?"

I remember standing in a supermarket yelling, 'for once in your life make a decision!'

I have been known to be bolshy by not moving. Everyone is finally ready, we are all sitting there and just for once, one tiny time, I don't want to be the one who says, 'shall we go, then?' Just once I would like someone else to take the lead.

ds is driving me mad. 'I'm huuuuungry.' 'What do you want?' 'I don't knooooow.' I am working hard at getting my seven year old to understand that I don't want to do his thinking for him. In this way I hope that his future partner will thank me.

Anyone else get "are these dishes clean?"

Usually while he's by the dishwasher and I'm in another room.

oh my fuck unreal yes yes yes - if I have to show a grown man how to check if the dishes are clean or dirty one more time i think I will implode. I cam down to piles of dishes and late night coffee cups on bech friggin dishwasher was empty -I screamed silently

I am a lot more patient than I was tbh. I do bite my tounge sometimes as I am the SAHP and we have agreed responsibilities - they are not detailed anywhere but I think somehow everyfuckingthing is left to me.

We have had roles reversed in the past so please refrain from any of those posts. But seriously any jobs he doesnt want to do he says to get a man in - maybe i should think about that more often. I have recently 'bought' myslef some part time child care to alleviate the pressure no family nearby blah blah -

I get the stare when the car has gone pas 10k miles and it hasnt had service or I forget to tax it.

He's a man. Enough said!

Same here if that's any consolation

Besides, he wouldn't do it as well as you do anyway, you'd probably get annoyed!

We currently have a standoff over the garden waste bin.

He put bagged rubbish on top of garden waste so it cannot be put out for collection otherwise they'll just sticker it. Im waiting for him to remove it but nooooo he wont use his car to take it to the tip...its embaressing as the gardener asks if he has emptied it yet.

I had secret thgoughts of syphoning some food budget monies to get a cleaner. I would have a cleaner and laundry service

Annie, I'm not sure what 'I'm Alright Jack' means (I Googled it, but found it to be a movie?) so I'm unsure about that part, sorry!

I'm not a feminist, but I just think it comes in equal measures. The only person I know who has suffered severe mental abuse (e.g. "You do all the housework while I sit here, but don't don't forget my dinner/make sure you're earning enough because I'm not working/don't go out unless I say it's okay" etc....) is a man. I'm definitely not saying it doesn't happen to women though.

Oh dear the shopping thing strikes a chord, I'm bad for that. I'm constantly losing things at home or forgetting to pick things up at the shop and poor DP has to help me search the house/go to to the local shop to get it. Maybe making lists/putting things away in a place I'll remember is something I need to start doing pronto.

I remember standing in a supermarket yelling, 'for once in your life make a decision!'

This too. Decision-making is beyond me sometimes, I ask for opinions on everything. Gee, I didn't realise it was such a bad thing. :(

Numan it means Ive sorted my own stuff/looked after myself and not bothered about anyone elses stuff/needs

I know it can be annoying sometimes, just didn't realise it was a bad relationship trait. I usually ask on anything, from clothes I'm getting or how I should deal with a situation, to what to have for dinner. It's not constant but I have to at least ask for a second opinion on a lot of things.

I went away for a week last year leaving DH to sort the 3 DC's, and puppy. He knew I also basically cleared the diary of anything I could and made sure the week i was away it was not our turn on any driving rotas.

I was delighted when I phoned home and DH said he hadn't been able to read the newspaper until 10pm because he'd been so busy each day . He admitted the workload was pretty heavy and we could do with some help.

I think he forgot all that a week later though, once I was back

My advice is to try to be a bit selfish sometimes, carve out some time for your own hobbies, avoid resentment as it really isn't a helpful emotion. Also I think some men ( well my DH) need to be given very specific instructions, not general ones!

Peggy, the frustration is the CONSTANT decision making about EVERYTHING.

The clothes question was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Getting on this thread. Dh not quite as bad as lots here but I do identify with "the buck stops with me".

thats good to read Clayburry re carving out time. I got all should I/shouldnt I ,about putting DD into part time nursery place but then I am studying for a degree too.

I will be away for a week next year and I cant wait until I write out the schedule and what needs to be done etc. I will not be leaving the laundry up to date either s he can see how much time that takes (I know that seems snidey but for the greater good)

At least I can remember ow it feels to be stressed bcause of work I ve been there in the past, but he has never been a home full time. an tbh I hope out toddler gives hime hell - just for a morning

Numanoid I was asking him what he preferred for something that would only affect him.

I hope you don't feel too bad reading this thread. Lots of people have dynamics like yours that work for them. On that occasion I was feeling pretty much back against the wall and desperate to work out what he actually wanted. I don't like making decisions for others, but sometimes that works well in other relationships.

My dad is very passive and when he asks these sort of questions we now say to him : "what would you do if I wasn't here to be asked?".
It works fairly well and gets him to think for himself but my mother relentlessly organised him for 40 years so he either does things like she used to or doesn't do them!

DH is haphazard in his organising - I do the money stuff as he is useless. He does the car stuff.
Holiday booking and packing he does really well.
On other things he goes through periods of inertia then will become incredibly focussed - at the moment he has the bit between his teeth about the kitchen and got workmen booked and did painting all last weekend.
DD is now old enough to make meals so I often get DH and DD to cook - we get an organic box delivered each week and lucky to have a butcher in the next street so dinner is "what's in the fridge and if you want meat go to the butcher". This works very well.

Housework - well, I've lowered my standards since we have an incontinent cat and a house chicken.

I have the house diary and read through it each week and make sure DH has things in his work diary. Recently he has started organising DD's activities - this has co-incided with him running out of interest in his work so I wondered if men are taught to focus so much on earning money and their work identity that their personal/domestic identity is never properly developed?
If you look at how girls play - with toy dolls and household items they are being prepared for an adult role of domesticity - little boys play (violent) video games. So boys don't get any practise at these things and no part of their consciousness is developed to do it. Boys will become fathers and are supposed to help with childcare but get no opportunity to do this as boys are severely castigated for playing with dolls (in general) so I do think this a societal issue of the socialization of boys into thinking domestic stuff isn't part of their life reference.

pastperfect you obviously don't know me or my family so don't know how many party invites we get - you've obviously assumed by your clever intuition that we don't get many though

Er peggy you're right I neither know you or your family so was simply going on your post - no clever intuition involved - you wrote that invites must be "once in a blue moon". How was I to know that you were referring not to your own situation but making judgements as to what the rest of us must receive invites only ocassionly....

My husband has a much more intense job than mine, so I want to do more, but it still winds me up when he says he'll go to our son's sports day, we have a conversation about what day it's on, but if I forget (and he does too), it's my fault for not reminding him.

I'm the one who wakes us all up every morning. If I didn't get up, no one would.

I'm the one who remembers birthdays. I don't do thank yous to his relatives for presents for our son - problem is, as a result they don't get them, so we seem rude.

But he does most the cooking, most the cleaning, equal childcare, and arguably I'm lazier than him - I just stress more about worrying/thinking things...

It is very much a feminist issue.

Numanoid - "I'm alright Jack" basically means that because this problem doesn't affect me personally, I either don't care of refuse to admit that it's a problem for anyone else.

May I ask why you don't consider yourself a feminist?

Miggsie - you're absolutely right when you say it all stems from socialisation in childhood, which is why I'm absolutely convinced in the power of campaigns like Let Toys Be Toys and others which push for non-gendered play in children. Boys need to be encouraged to play with dolls and washing machines to prepare themselves for fatherhood and housekeeping, and girls need to play with stuff that isn't dolls and washing machines so that they can develop skills outside of domestic ones. The same goes for both genders dressing up in princess costumes and knight costumes.

It's not that we need to break the barriers between the genders down early, we need to prevent them going up in the first place.

It is partly different standards. He doesn't care if his mum doesn't get a birthday present - his view is she knows he loves her and cards / presents are pointless. I love my MIL, and believe she does care, particularly if the kids make the card, are involved in the present etc. so I do it.

Multiply that by all birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries (actually, I've gone on strike for anniversaries) and add in a similar attitude to a load of other common social conventions and there you go. Tons of wife work, with the option of not doing it and handling the emotional fall-out and guilt.

He's a great dad, really good at looking after the kids and having a great time. But at the end of the day, the house will be a mess (he jus doesn't seem to see things like crumbs on the table), they will probably have eaten out (expensive, less healthy) and he certainly won't have fitted in anything like checking shoes still fit, collecting dry cleaning, taking stuff to the charity shop, sorting (or even picking up) the post etc.

a lot of the complaints here about doing things is making something over nothing, they are all completely trivial.

Of course they are trivial. It isn't the actual doing of the tasks that is the issue, it's the fact that one person is doing all of the thinking, planning and coordinating of that trivia to ensure that it gets done.

My DH will do anything I ask him to, but I still have to ask. I think that would be fine if I was a sahm, as running the home would be my lead area, but given that I work longer hours than DH, there isn't any valid reason why I should take more responsibility at home.

DH and I probably do an equal (ish) amount of housework, but it still seems to default to me to decide what needs doing and how it's going to get done. I'm used to it, and do it without thinking most of the time, but that doesn't make it right.

The problem is, if I try to explain this issue to DH, he just sees the trivial tasks as peggy has done. "Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it" is the standard response. Which kind of misses the point....