AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

I eventually had to have an utter meltdown over my DH over how utterly, utterly mentally exhausted I was from being The Organiser. Yes, it's lovely when they do all the jobs you ask them to and take on 50% of the cooking and cleaning. But when the everyday Thinking is done 100% by you, from remembering what activities your DC have that day, to whether their homework is done, to booking holidays, to arranging dog sitters, to paying the bills.... there's a constant train of thought running through your head 24/7 of Thing That Need To Be Organised, and it's relentless. For the most part all the Wifework still falls to me but whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by it I list all the balls I am currently juggling and things I'm trying to arrange for DH, and he takes a few off my hands. And he is getting much better at being proactive and Thinking for himself.

It's utterly tragic that men have been socialised to not feel any responsibility for the running of their own households whilst women have been socialised that they should take responsibility, even when working hours are equal. And it's completely unfair that we should have to point out this inequality to get men to take some of the mental pressure off. But point it out we must. If your DP is worth anything as a partner and human being, he will see the problem and do his best to take up the slack, even if it takes him a little while and few reminders to get the hang of it. If he chooses not to help, well, then you have bigger problems in your relationship. So start with a list, pass over some of the buck, and DON'T BAIL HIM OUT if he forgets - it's HIS responsibility. He'll remember the next time!

BTW, GoblinLittleOwl, I'm sorry if you are finding your personal situation difficult, but it's completely unhelpful to tell someone who is struggling with their own situation that they should just be grateful it's not something worse. Why on earth should anyone put up and shut up with being taken for granted and taking on more then their fair share of the domestic workload just because they could be a single parent? Maybe you should try being a single parent working full time whist living in a third world country in a tin shack where you have to walk 5 miles to get water? See how pointless it is to play that game?

Surely Goblin, you at least have the satisfaction of knowing that everything that ticks over nicely is thanks to you, only you.

If you had a partner you would have to do the same organizing but also cook, clean, clothes wash for another adult, and absolutely no chance to congratulate yourself because of course, you have someone else to 'help'.

gobin I raised four dc on my own for many years and had a full time career, big mortgage and breast cancer.
I am still allowed to be pissed off with things now I an remarried.
You silly woman!!

Annie, you're so right about being socialised into seeing this as just the way things are.

Dh's mum does EVERYTHING at home to the point that her DH is actually pretty emasculated :(

The problem is that DH is such a great guy, and he knows it. What could I possibly have to complain about. Except that there is some inequality here due to the gender role thing. I'm ashamed to say that when I do challenge DH on it he just talks about how he doesn't drink/ gamble/ womanise etc and gets massively defensive because he IS a grafter. He's thinking to himself... ' how can I do any more?' But it's not more physical tasks necessarily, just more organising. He just doesn't really get it. I wonder if it's partly due to how his mum was when he was growing up.

And thanks to all posters. Didn't mean to ignore :) some interesting advice and perspectives x

Cold feet, I must admit that DH does a lot of the household admin eg insurance but most of the bills are direct debit. I need to give him more credit for that.

Oh, I feel your pain!! Exactly the same in my house. Dh will do anything I ask him to, but absolutely nothing otherwise.
Problem is, i think it's impossible to change him.
If I try, I might as well talk to a brick wall.

I think if you both "work" whether that is working till x time then coming home and doing childcare and chores till all is done and sit down together then it is fair - if the amount of work is too much and you don't get any time sitting down together then you need to establish what can be done to reduce the workload - and whether it is possible to outsource some tasks - ironing and cleaning are often a choice that some can afford. So if he is working late his workload is increasing in line with yours so it isn't really unfair if he gets back at 9 and you sit down at 9 then you have both worked equally.

So either you need to see if he can reduce the evening work yours will reduce in line.

Or get a cleaner and get the ironing done so reducing your workload and Dh when he is at home. If your proportion of housework/job is greater then you would be freeing up more of your time than his.

Hmm, maddening. I can kinda see your point but... One difference is that I really need to go to bed early and DH is a night owl. So my doing chores till nine means almost no wind down time. Also, some of the evening meetings aren't actual work. Some are really stressful, but some not. Some are actually due to him opting to work in voluntary capacity ( but good professionally).

I think DH probably thinks I'm a bit controlling tbh, and when he took on this voluntary role that I just spoke of he knew it'd mean lots of extra meetings. I don't expect him to ask my permission but he didn't acknowledge or even think how it'd affect me. Imagine me just staying that I'd be otherwise engage x evenings per month. Unthinkable!

I wonder if it would help to get all of the things you're juggling out of your head and into some sort of planner (I'm thinking of work time management systems like Getting Things Done but applied to your home life), capturing all the things that need to be done whether everyday or one offs.)

It might sound a bit of an extra hassle but in practice I think it might make you feel a bit less stressed in itself, just by the fact of having it out of your head and into a system you trust. But my main reason for suggesting it is a a way of getting him involved in the planning and doing - sit down once a week together and work through what needs to be done over then next week, agree who is responsible, and have a list he can refer to when he wants to know what needs to be done next.

Jess I think that id still be the one delegating it'd still be annoying :(

Similar story in our house, but there is an extra element which drives me round the twist even more, which is the post event criticism of 'why didn't you do it like (insert annoying suggestion)?'
So it's ok for me to plan and organise holidays, meet ups with friends, shopping for necessities, changing energy suppliers, etc.
I'll run it past him, he doesn't pay any attention, says whatever and then I get:
Why did you pick a hotel in this area?
Why didn't you organise a transfer?
Why didn't you get them to come here?
Why didn't you get the one that was on sale? Etc.. Response:
Why the fuck didn't you give me input when you had the chance, you have shown no interest up til now, why didn't you bloody do it yourself then if that's how it should have been done!!!
YANBU

Actually, I think I would do this in future jess if he goes away. He recently went on an 8 day trip yet somehow it was my job to 'cover him' while he was away. ( eg dog walks, eldest to school)

McF at least my DH doesn't do that. Poor you :(

So he wants a medal for not being an alcoholic/gambler/adulterer?

WTAF!

No, these things are expected. Not bonuses.

He needs to start having respect for you, OP.

Oh I can relate to everything being said here. DH is a great man, he really is. He works hard at his job, is loving, great with DS, a great friend and all round good bloke. However....

He absolutely missed the technology bus and it's too far ahead for him to catch. I am The Organiser. We have moved twice in the last 7 years and I have done ALL the research/admin/form filling/phone calling for buying the house and renting out another. Anything to do with paper or dealing with any issue falls to me.

I have to go abroad for a week with work- that should be fun! (DS7)

We are going camping for A MONTH. On Tuesday night
We are both working on Monday so we are gradually getting packed up now.
I am giving dh and dd specific tasks but I'm still the one who's had to identify what needs doing eg stuff for the journey, stopover bag, DVD player charged up and DVDs to watch, chargers for phones and I pads, all the stuff they enjoy having but that just appears as if by magic.

I understand you completely. As women we are constantly thinking ahead. Most men think of here and now. My dh would wait until he was hungry then wonder what he should eat.

I adore sleep as this is when my brain takes a

I pack the dcs school bags
I make the packed lunches
I keep abreast of all school meetings/events
I manage our weekend movements
I or we do the shopping
I buy all birthday cards/presents even for his family
I manage the washing
I cook around five times a week
I manage the budget

Dh mows the lawn
Dh takes the bins out
Dh does any DIY
Dh picks up milk/bread as and when
Dh cooks when the mood takes him

When we arrive home from work, dh switches on his laptop and I head for the kitchen!

rest!

Oh I'm so glad I'm not alone in this!

DH does try to help but what he doesn't understand is it's not the "doing" that is hard work - its the "thinking and planning". So he will put a wash on and stack the dishwasher and want a medal but what I really want is for him to work out what DS needs to wear that day, check that it's clean, decide what we are having for tea, shop for it, cook it etc.

He never thinks about presents for people, the kids homework, teachers gifts, meals, when and where we will go on hols - everything really!

I just get fed up with being the default childcarer. It's as though when DH does it he is helping or doing me a favour but the buck stops with me. One thing he does that really annoys me is if we go out to the park/beach he will just close his eyes and go to sleep - with the assumption that I will be watching the kids!! I would never do that in a million years. If I wanted a nap I would check DH was ok to watch the kids.

Grrr off to google wifework!

YANBU. It's stuff like if he puts a wash on in the eve he'll just chuck in whatever's nearest, whereas I'd go through the laundry basket and make sure I was washing enough school uniforms for the next couple of days.

Another massive bugbears is the pre-payment gas/electric meters. I don't think he's checked the balance once in two years- it's always me who has to remember top-ups.

YANBU OP, what I find so frustrating is that my DH seems to have the capacity to switch off from all the everyday things to do with kids, house, school extended family etc but when it comes to fixing his bike or organising a night out with mates he is super focused and organised. I guess I am jealous really I just wish I could block out all the school stuff, the costumes, the birthday parties and just think about what's on tv later.

I completely understand your frustrations. DH is/was exactly like this, and it is exhausting doing everything.
What has changed things a little for us was moving house- where I sat back and did nothing. Let him organise everything (except mail re-direction) absolutely everything from start to finish.

That was 12 months ago, and somehow, it made him realise what it is I have to do most of the time. And he really has been much better at the planning side of things. Not all the time, admittedly, particularly where the DCs schools/holiday care are concerned, but in general, a definite improvement.

I also took on a new job, meaning I suddenly could not be the emergency child carer. Despite him earning 4 times what I do, if they're ill (rarely, thankfully) he has to take them.

It quite a drastic solution though!

So many of these posts I could have written (albeit not so succinctly and effectively)
A few years ago though I told DH I would no longer do his washing and ironing. He accepted that with no problem at all. We both work full time and I look after the DC's washing but HE does HIS stuff. Makes a real difference.

But most of the household stuff I do. He won't even open a bill because it's 'boring'.

I won't buy his family's birthday / Christmas presents either.

He's ironing right now and has been for 40 minutes. :) Small steps OP.