AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

You are not being unreasonable to feel that way.

What about your children? Do they appreciate you? Do they help with chores appropriately for their ages? Do you they make your life easier with simple, thoughtful things like stripping their beds, putting laundry in the basket, hanging up wet towels, putting dirty dishes by the sink or in the dishwasher, saying thank you for meals, clean clothes and newly made beds? Could they take on the dog walking responsibility sometimes?

Tell your husband you feel unappreciated.

Also suggest clear examples of how he could be more active in running your household.

Oh god this could be me. I have just had a mini meltdown over this very issue. A tap broke the other day causing overflow problems (need piglet john!) and he has completely left me to sort everything. He will literally wait to be told to do the most basic things. Over the years he has amassed responsibility for:
Taking out bins
Washing dishes
Weekend washing in washing machine (but like the above poster it is simply everything on top, no sorting, no planning)
Dog walk in morning

Plus he pays some of the bills. Every single other thing is down to me. We have a house and a car because of me. The car is serviced, fixed, taxed insured and Mot'd by me. Everything to do with the kids is me. Something goes wrong in the house? Me. I'm working six days this week and yet the fucking tap (and it's so bad we've had to turn the water off..) is me. Once the kids are in bed, it is always, always me saying "would you like a glass of wine/gin and tonic/pimms?" He will just go and sit in his chair like the thought of a glass of wine had never ever crossed his mind. He can't see things on the stair. Whenever I was telling him to fill things up with water today before the water went off he said "fill what things?" This is a man who holds down a job and manages to get to work without killing himself so I know there is some intelligence there...

We go camping. Who knows what we take? Did we bring xxxx? NO! Because I forgot it! Who forgot his waterproof jacket last time? Every SINGLE time we have moved house he has forgotten stuff and caused us endless problems.

First time: I go to house, heavily pregnant and with a toddler to get keys and see how it is. He leaves old flat with movers having left everything still in the garage. We borrow a friends car to bring stuff the next day. I take the day off losing £250 (freelance)

Second time: movers are about to leave, I ask him to check everything has gone as I'm doing inventory with letting agent. He says yes. Movers go. Contents of shed and living room cupboard still there. I move with car rammed to the gills and huge amount of stuff balanced precariously on top of roof. He gets rush hour train with two giant laundry bags of stuff. The drive home was the shittest ever as I kept having to stop and reconfigure the roof...

Third time: I am already in foreign country. He is supervising move from home. Don't bring the broken bed or the broken desk, I say. Guess what comes? Plus a bag full of disposable pound shop glasses, a bag full of plastic bags and, all the sodding catalogues and phone books. Even junk mail came...we are on the 20th floor and getting rid of the broken bed is not easy.

Fourth time. On the way back home from foreign country. I ask him to check that everything is cleared as it has to go into the container. I do this because again I am dealing with the letting agents and as I'm the main visa holder, everything is in my name. We are travelling before coming home and there's no room to take extra. He says yes. I remind him of the past. He gets all sniffy and huffy and assures me that he has absolutely and totally checked everything. I tell him to do it again as I have to do to office to collect my deposit and then go to electricity/water place. I come back to an empty apartment... Except the contents of the small hall cupboard and the cupboard under the bathroom sinks. I have to give away all my lampe bergeres and oils, some very large candles and the almost new towel sets I bought. I also had to cart all our uk paperwork in a lever arch file round various places in India. Why don't i do it myself? Because I'm already doing fucking everything else and FOR GOD'S SAKE, REALLY?

Whew. That was long. But I needed to vent.

We are both finished our gin and tonics. Guess what will happen...

Ooh can I have a vent too? I work F/T, DH P/T and does most of the daytime childcare for DS3 (3). However, he has recently been ill and not up to looking after DS. His solution? To stand at the top of the stairs as I was leaving for work and tell me he was too ill! No plan, no suggestions as to what we could do about it. Fortunately, my lovely mum can help, but it had to be me who rang her, and planned it, and then sorted what was happening for the rest of the week etc. Also, although I very very rarely get to do nursery drop offs, and never pick ups, I'm the one who knows when DS has to wear a costume, or take his diary, or a book or something for show and tell etc. I've met the nursery teacher 4 times since Christmas, he sees her every bloody day!

I'm with you too op. I feel like a bloody sheepdog herding sheep.

It's having to anticipate life and all it's trivia for everyone that is so draining. Yes I could think sod it and let it fall over. I have tried that but
whenever I have it just results in even more flack for me.

My best example for this is Christmas. Totally choreographed by me or it wouldn't happen.

I actually think DH still believes in Santa. How else do all the presents appear?

I am another one.DH is great,kind,loving,willing to help when asked etc.But I feel turned off him because he can't/won't think what needs done to properly look after the children,to make sure their lives are healthy,fun, educated.I can't think how to get this through to him without it seeming like an attack on him.Anyway it is depressing to hear how many of you are in the same boat

May I add punctuality to the list of grievances? If we've decided to get X train or drive somewhere at Y o'clock it's still me who has to race around getting all of us ready. He'll sit there like a lemon until I tell him to put his shoes on.

Read wifework but also delegate a complete task to your dh - I delegated the food shopping and meal planning (& most of the cooking) to dh. It's fab - he's not as good at keeping to budget and eating as healthily but my sanity is much better for it!

I've only skimmed but I think that the problem is not the physical effort but the mental effort.

I cook, DH washes up. I am happy cooking, I like it, but it takes a lot more than standing in the kitchen. You have to know what you have in the cupboards and freezer. You have to decide what to make. Do you need to get anything on the way home from work.

At any given time I know what is in my fridge, freezer, the cupboards, the washing basket. I know what appointments we have coming up and where we have to be. We don't have DC but I can see how the mental work load would massively increase.

YAnBU
So many women fall into this role. It gets much worse if you're a SAHM. That happy go lucky person you got together with does not keep pace with you once household responsibilities arise.
ExDP asked: where do we keep the cleaning things?
Where do we keep the lightbulbs?
Well, where is the stopcock?
Why did you choose this B&B?
Oh, did you forget the beaker/nappies/wipes/spare vests etc etc

One aspect of our relationship that contributed to it's breakdown. He had become another child for me to organize and take care of.

YANBU at all. I wonder why we allow this to happen.. I work more hours than DH and I earn more than he does, yet I'm still the one who does all the "wifework" in our house. Yes, he does school pick ups, cleaning, cooking, laundry etc, but I'm the one who has to coordinate it all. I'm the one who knows when dd's homework is due in, when her holidays start, when there are party invitations to be replied to. I'm the one who researches and books the holidays, buys the presents, organises play dates etc. I'm the one who taxes the car, renews the insurance, decides what we're going to have for dinner. I pack the lunches, make sure that dd has her PE kit, fill in all the forms for school.

DH doesn't really see any of this, it's invisible to him. He would probably say that he does at least half of the work around the house, but he doesn't.

I'm not sure how to get it across in a way that he will understand.

Oh dear so many of us in the same boat. I blame their mothers. Mental note to train my DS better!

Sandgrown Yes! I'm guilty too. At least we have a (part-time) housekeeper who has my son (and husband) on the ball with chores.

Same situation here, I'd give him this thread to read but he'd just say I was getting at him.

See sand I too was going to say "I blame the mothers". But then I though-why do we not also blame the fathers?!Why is it the mothers job to ensure their sons aren't useless.Sure the sons copy the fathers and daughters mothers,but really men need to take responsibility for themselves and the families they have helped create.It drives me crazy how men get to cop out of the bits they don't like and it all hits the shit when women do the same.Grr.

I think it helps to give them a task they can be fully responsible for.

Primary school activities are a huge extra workload so it might help to divvy those jobs up, by taking on one term each, or one project.

Its probably important for dcs bonding with him.

But asking mine to do anything for me Julyst doesn't wotk. Giving him full responsibility does even if he does it wrong he takes the consequences.

I think you are being unreasonable. He works 5 days with long hours, you work 4 and are home by the time the school is out.

Yes organising things is a pain but most things are a damn sight easier to organise when you're on your own home without clients/customers/co- workers also demanding attention.

Perhaps you'd feel less disgruntled if you treated the day you're not working out of the home as the day for you to deal with family organisation. Given that he doesn't get a 4 day week what is wrong with you running the family office on your fifth day.

Sorry - I asked a question then went away for ages. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I think (and this sounds ridiculous) you need to teach him how to take the initiative eg give him a list of things that are entirely his problem to manage, give him some pointers on how you generally manage them, then leave him to it.

My best example for this is Christmas. Totally choreographed by me or it wouldn't happen.

YES - this exactly for me too. All other holidays and birthdays as well.

My DH is a wonderful man and he does a good share of the work.....but it's that feeling like all the delegating, planning, organizing, arranging and detail is up to me that I find exhausting.

My DH has tendencies towards this too. He can manage to wash his work clothes occasionally but everything else has to be organised by me.

However I reached the end of my tether too and told him if he is due to have the DC when I'm not around then he does everything including arrangements for babysitter if he wants to do something else. He is capable apparently. Just chooses to be lazy.

None of this becomes apparent until the DCs arrive unfortunately

Good god, you too??? All of us in the same boat??? Not just me???!!
Not that it makes it better!
He'll do it, but I have to organise it. And lately this has been getting to me, big time. Because not only do I have to organise it, but I must break it gently to him, in case he thinks I am having a go, and give him ample time frame, facilitate everything AND create the right ambiance for it. I might as well do it myself, right? Well, NO! So yeah, I yelled. And yeah, he's just looking at me as if I am a woman posessed and doesn't get it why I am so upset.
Grrrrrrrr!

I wonder if we cause this ourselves. I'm a bit reluctant to leave him to do stuff without instruction (largely as he cocks up) but we learned by mistakes didn't we?
He cooked really well this week and did a really good weekly shop, I'd normally have given a note and much bossiness.
I'm still not letting him pack for the kids to go away like he suggested tho!!!

This thread has really resonated with me. Also off to google wifework.

Actually DH is really helpful, but the buck always stops with me.

What pisses me off is that he takes on the fun stuff eg cooking when he gets in from work (I would much rather he put the kids to bed, I love cooking and by that point often on verge of strangling them). And he somehow has time for stuff like gardening, then whinges when I forget/don't have time to water his plants (why add another thing to Endless to do list? Children before plants!) He always researches, plans and books the holidays (I would love to). An he never asks me if it's ok for him to go to a work thing/work late (OK I know that he has a high powered job, but if I need to work late, I have to arrange the childcare; he doesn't know any of our babysitters numbers).

And when I was full time at home with three DC under four I felt very under appreciated "what do you do all day?" And if I dared to go to a cafe with a friend or something the implication was that I was "gallivanting" rather than getting on with things.

Cooking is fine so long as it involves freezer to oven in 30 mins. Although he is learning to chop salad

A healthy diet it is not if I don't cook/ shop