AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

thats a perfect example for us too openup

Openup41 Why do your kids need to eat first at a barbecue if they're playing?

It's an honest question; I am really not wanting to sound bitchy.

Oh with mine I wouldn't dare feed myself first, its one thing I ignore....they go crazy food starvers if i have n they don't.

Nearly two decades: I have a very very long list of examples like: are these clean whilst standing by the dishwasher.

The thing is: I have always resented the whole: he's a man and this is a woman's job. Resented is putting it very mildly. So I married outside my culture. He knew full well I don't do 'mothering', I am his partner. And it all went very well until I became a mother.
What he failed to register was that I was someone else's mother, NOT his!
I watched in disbelief how he was competing for my attention with my DD! I sat him down and tried to have a serious discussion about it. Nada. I was the mad one, apparently.
From an adventurous, spontaneous, driven man, once I became a mother, he regressed to a KS 1 overtired tantrummy helpless...40 something yo!

It was nothing to do with me! I didn't raise my expectations/standard to match anything. We had nearly a decade together before that, so there is no illusion there.

The thing is, I love my MIL, but:
DD needed a winter coat. I had no time to go and buy one and it was urgent ( think one sleeve ripped off). So I ask DH (who called me to inform me about it) to go and get her one.
What shall I get?
A coat.
Where from?
Try the shops in the high street, Gap or h&m?
Oh, where abouts are they?
What?
The coats!
What do you mean?
They are massive, those shops, how do I find the coats section?
Are you taking the p**s????!!!
You see, that's the problem with you, so are so rude!
Darling, go to the f**ing shop and LOOk! I am at work. Sort it out, it's not brain surgery!

What he did, dear reader, was to call his mother. I always know when he called his mother, because she looks at me with a half pity half disgusted look next time we see each other. So his mother drives him to the shop, chooses a coat, PAYS for it, brings them home.
I get another call: I sorted the coat situation, thank you for asking how it went. I bit my tongue.

I get home. DD and DH with a thunder face! what's wrong?
Well, the stupid coat. It has a zip and DD can't manage it. Well, we knew that, we spent ages looking for a button one last time. You were both there. You were also both there when you purchased a new one. You must take it back and find another one.
We can't, granny would be offended.
2 h later I bought one online, with next day delivery, arranged with MIL through minefields to take the coat she bought back, etc etc etc.

Tell me why do I want this saga again? How do I choose between : FFS I'll do it and:no, I must resist, he is more than capable?

My favourite example of this is the first day I went to back to work and he was at home. We'd just come back from holiday and he was responsible for getting the food for that night's dinner. He did that.... But when I got home at 8pm and asked what the kids had for dinner (pretty much my first words afte walking in the door) his face was a puzzled blankness. So he'd bought the food but hadn't actually realised they may want to fucking eat it.

And I agree with everyone else whose family dynamic changed massively when they had kids. I didn't care if he didn't eat anything of an evening or didn't have clean clothes when it was just us. I worked longer hours and he'd just sort himself out. And he was used to doing that for himself. The trouble is doing stuff just for yourself doesn't bloody we'll work when you have kids. He didn't wake me when he got up Friday morning - the thunder caused chaos in my house and I had a terrified dog and DD in the bed with me. He went to sleep in spare room with the alarm, got himself up, got himself ready and then woke us up too late for me to get everything done before leaving the house. Why did he take the alarm? Who knows. He clearly didn't think, didn't think while he was getting himself ready, didn't think while he was eating breakfast etc. the not thinking is a killer.

And yes I have started to respond to the constant asking by saying "think what you are asking about... Am I your mum too?" Which results in a huff but I'm hoping it sinks in sometime. I also do this, but the questions still come...

"Shall I give them breakfast?" Is it breakfast time...
"Shall I take the dog out?" Has he been out yet...
"Should I get my hair cut" Should I get MY hair cut...
"What clothes do I wear to this thing?" Are you fucking kidding me...
Etc etc

I wonder if there is some switch that flicks when you become a mum and they embrace the fact there's a mum back in the house and act accordingly.

When I was doing my teacher training I had a mini breakdown and said to DH that I couldn't do everything any more. I had too much else to do and couldn't be worrying about us having enough breakfast cereal or toilet roll.
He took over and did a fine job.

I do it again now though.................

I'm with Jinsei et al - it was having children tha changed the dynamic, we were fine before.

I'm sorry silver but you can't compare the two situations.

I was off last Friday with my best friend taking her to hospital for chemo. I told DH he was responsible for the children, and I didn't know what time I'd be home. Home 9.30 - kids still up, still in school uniform (usual bedtime 8pm and although we do for special occasions do later, not as a rule because it just isn't worth the grouchiness fall out). If I leave him to cook their supper, he often doesn't think about it until 7ish by which time they are crawling the walls with hunger (again, sometimes we'll eat later, but then I give them a decent snack 5ish to keep them going). If he takes them out, he will forget hats, coats, sun cream etc.

He just doesn't take Responsibilty for them as Dependents in quite the same way. It's not that he doesn't care - he loves them very much - but only looks after their needs once they become urgent, it seems. And then I feel that I am just being a Nag for criticising it.

I had a friend who was having a row with her DH as he said he always came last. She screamed back "No, I come last!"

Can't remember who upthread talked about carving out time for yourself but agree hugely - our dynamic is much better now that I'm sometimes a bit selfish (you best DC now 5 so I think I am now able to do it as even if DH forgets to feed them etc, it doesn't matter nearly as much as when they were tiny). Oxygen mask principle - I need to look after myself a bit or don't have the energy to do it for the rest of them.

Youngest DC now 5, not you best - damn autocorrect.

YANBU, OP. I do not have this issue quite as much as some with day to day stuff (although when I go on an evening out, DH never thinks to prepare DD's nursery bag unless I specifically tell him to) but somehow I became responsible for all our joint financial planning. DH literally never opens a bank statement yet tries to blame me when he can't find important documents. He never thinks ahead about paying for holidays and other things that cost and are coming up in future. He also does that thing a previous poster mentioned about not engaging in decisions, then complaining about them. I was irritated by this before we became parents, but now we are, I am of the view that not thinking ahead about things like money means you are a bad one, even if day to day you play your part. I am mystified as to why he behaves like a child around money. He has a responsible job. His parents are good with their money. I wouldn't mind if he actually expressed gratitude occasionally about my dealing with all the boring paperwork!

OP, I was struck by the thing you said (I think it was you) about not knowing what would happen if you went out in the evening. That is awful. Book something regular on a weeknight, one where DH is usually free (anything you like to do that you need to get to at a specific time). Go. Do not apologise or explain. He needs to know what it feels like to be restricted by someone else's availability.

I have often read about Wifework on here but have not dared to buy it in case it makes me so cross that I do something drastic!

Why on earth do some women put up with this? I will never understand

Imagine me just staying that I'd be otherwise engage x evenings per month. Unthinkable!

Why is it unthinkable?
The only way I found my DH actually took some of the responsibility was for to start acting like him. ie I want to work 1 evening a week because it's good for my job? Well I didn't ask if it was ok. I said I was going to do it and that he needed to be there to pick up the dcs at the after school club.
Why on earth would you ask permission from your DH to do something that you need/want to do, especially if you don't expect your DH to do so?

Strangely enough, having dug my heels in and acted like this, it made him stepping up, take some responsibilities and we now have a situation where, if any of us need to be away/work different hours etc, then we ask the other if that seems to be Ok for them (ie it doesn't clash badly with something else). Chores are also much more shared responsibility wise. etc

I am slowly learning the Noble Art of Not Doing Things and the ' Haven't a fucking clue ' as a universal answer.

YY to that and also to actually stick to it and refuse to step in if for whatever reason DH messes up. He decides to do something crazy with the dcs? I'm not intervening and leaves him deal with the cries and the grumbles. If I do, it then remove any responsibility from him and for whatever reason it then becomes all mine. Well sorry but it's aint going to work...

Why wouldnt you just let dh do what ever he wants with children anyway? How messed up are things going to get?

melissa possibly in some cases the DC would actually suffer and the women do not want that on their consciences? Also, when you are married to someone who (deliberately or not) does tasks so badly they have to be redone, or who does not do them at all, it is obviously tempting to do the job yourself rather than having another pointless argument. Telling a grown up how to do things makes you feel like their mum. Also like it or not, society does tend to blame the mother not the father if things are not done for children. I'm trying to imagine the dad getting the blame if a child turns up a party without a present and without anyone having responded to the invite. I'm not talking about myself personally here but I think it's something that builds up over years and I can see how easy it is to find you are putting up with an unreasonable situation - particularly if the other half can throw back 'but I earn all/most of the money'.

There are not many things that can happen that would be a major crisis to me. I just will never understand it and have done plenty of things 'wrong' or forgetten things. Who cares? Its not the end of the world.

I just let dh get on with it and he does me and neither would leave instructions. When they arent with me I couldnt care less what they are up to.

I agree with melissa. I just let DH get on with it and mess things up.
The one thing I don't do is criticise his efforts though. I'm sure he is able to see by himself when the result is crap.
And I certainly don't redo things ) even the ironing of my clothes that sometimes is leaving to be desired!)

I think that perhaps if you have not encountered someone who is dangerously crap at/can't be bothered with some or all aspects of childcare, or who puts their job above their family (or who genuinely has one of those jobs where they think they own you) it's hard to imagine the position of the other partner. Which is not to say you shouldn't stand up for yourself, but it would feel pretty mean to do so if the result is DC going to school without lunch, or whatever.

I have not turned up with a card before, wrapped the present in the car so it looks like a packaged bomb, not paid school dinners as forgot. Until thursday just gone dh and I hadnt even realised school finished the next day as we thought it was next week.

Ahh well no one dead and plenty of the parents I know have made similar mistakes and no one gets judged for it its just one of them and they cant be worth knowing if these things make them judge you imo

Yes no-one dead etc when too many plates are spinning and some crash - but that's not the point - it's the having to spin all the plates in the first place and do all the thinking that's the killer. I'd count that eg as a success rather than a failure - the only way presents ever leave this house is looking like a bomb has hit them and half the time they are weeks late too - but it's always me who gets them.

DP has just done his usual Sunday last-minute dash to the Co-OP because he cannot remember for himself (he's a thirty-something Brit) that the supermarkets close early on Sundays without me reminding him.

Eff eff ess.

mine just nipped to asda because I have a stinky cold and can't cope with anything right now

got stuff to make tea, got me medicine, got milk because we were running low, and dog food and some greens for the guinea pig and got the newspaper and magazine I like to read.. just because he thought I might like it.. (and all without a list, or me saying what we needed)

came home and asked if the dishwasher had finished - whilst standing in the kitchen and I was lying on the sofa in another room...

I wouldn't change him for the world.

Example from my house:
Dh 'what can I do to help?'
Me ' dishwasher needs emptying, washing needs hanging out, and dd needs new wellies'
Dh'ok, I'll do washing'.
Me, 5 min later walk in to kitchen, washing is carefully laid out on floor. We have underfloor hearing and dh thought thus would be a good idea.
Me' do you know what? 'll sort this out, you buy Welles '
Dh 5 mins later , ' found some. £80 Biden'
Me ' do you know what? I'll do it. 1 min later, bought willies, £5 tesco'.
Dh, meanwhile in kitchen' where do cups go, where do saucepans go etc etc'
The problem is, is that he's a fuckwit. As irritating as it is, it just makes a happier life if I do everything. Luckily, he's a surgeon (don't worry, quite bright really) so I can be a sahm and have time to do everything, otherwise it would drive me bonkers.