AIBU to be sick of managing our lives and our home?

[NoonarAgain]

My DH is very caring and kind. He earns a good salary, works very hard at work and is good with the dds (10 and 12). I know I am lucky to have him.

Despite this, I cannot help but resent the fact that he doesn't realise/ appreciate the amount of mental and physical energy required to organise shopping, food, activities, birthdays, family events etc etc.

He is very active and does quite a few chores. However, I feel that I have to project manage everything and decide everything. It's exhausting. I work 4 days but am usually back at the end of school. He has meetings in the evening and I often have to do our usually shared evening domestic stuff alone as a result.

I am annoyed that my workload is increased by his absence and that I always have to be the constant one, if that makes sense. I have to just be here, do the extra and suck it up.

AIBU to want someone to fit around me for a change, rather than fitting in and juggling everyone else's needs?

DH just kind of shrugs and says ' what can I do?'

I wonder if this is a feminist issue tbh, cause despite the amount DH does around the house, I always feel like the buck stops with me.

AIBU to feel that doing an equal share when you are home is not the same as having true equal responsibility? AIBU to resent this?

Wow! What a thread. Yes, I do believe this is the frontline of feminism. I asked an older, much-respected friend who is proper old school feminist (conversation peppered with reference to Beatrice Webb) how her recent marriage, sux years ago, was for her.
She said: "Balaboosta, I have been a complete fishwife. I have shouted and screamed and cajoled and nagged and shouted some more. But we're getting there. He's starting to be quite a good husband."
We have to get on top of this. And be mindful that our sons are future husbands!

Yes I nearly had a fit when DS1 aged 6 (when I asked him to help with the cooking) announced that he was going to be "one of those Daddys that doesn't do any cooking" - frogmarched him straight to the kitchen!

Sympathy OP and everyone else.

This is exactly how it is here. I have to think for 4 people all the time. It's draining.

It's not the doing of stuff, it's the thinking for everyone which gets me.

Earlier this year I caught scarlet fever and it was allowed to progress because GP couldn't believe an adult could catch it
So it got bad and I was in bed drifting in and out of consciousness.
And DH would appear every 5 bloody minutes shake me awake and ask what he was supposed to do next.
Couldn't even be arsed to think far enough ahead to sort meals for DC. As basic as that.

I literally had to think for him and direct him with detailed instructions from sickbed.

I could have written this OP. DH is lovely in many ways but just doesn't get it. I leave present buying for his family up to him and as a result his parents didn't get Christmas or birthday presents last year. He never sends cards or presents for SIL or BIL and their kids. We don't live in the same country as them so aren't around for parties or celebrations.
I was in tears planning our holiday because I want a couple of days of relaxation meaning not planning anything not cooking cleaning or any of that. Hopefully he'll get it.

Argh posted too soon.

Point of my story was this.
Before the DC , we worked equally and earned similarly. DH did half of everything. Without being asked or needing detailed directions.
The moment first DC was born, DH seemed to undergo some sort of full lobotomy and instantly became unable to think or plan ahead why oh why

Wifework is a great book, and the author writes about her own experiences of this in marriage. Definitely read it.

ledka - ''I wonder if we cause this ourselves. I'm a bit reluctant to leave him to do stuff without instruction (largely as he cocks up)''

sigh. exactly.

I've been 'chief cook and bottle washer' for so long (over 2 marriages) that i'm now stuck as a slightly OCD, difficult to help, robot like control freak when it comes to everyday household stuff.

I can get 10 things done (beautifully) in the time it takes DH to stand and scratch his head in the middle of the kitchen trying to remember where the bin bags are kept (for eg.)

I want help. But i don't want crap help.

We have some of this, although not too bad. Things have definitely improved since I went full time again so he's had to do more. I've recently started sending him meeting invites as reminders eg non uniform day at school, your dad's birthday so I have told him and can forget about it.

To the LP poster who said just get on with it

I'm a single parent and this aspect of my life is infinitely easier without the ex. Now I only have 3 of us and one household to manage...

Being a single parent is hard, but this is one aspect which is much easier than being part of a couple imo. Still commander-in-chief of everything but I have no-one to question my decisions and lots less washing/tidying/IL's to buy for

You need to relinquish all responsibility for a few specific jobs & just leave your DH to sort them. I got sick of DH being like this so now he knows:

He deals with his family & I deal with mine. Everything from cards & presents to visits & phone calls.

He sorts out the cars. Insurance, service & mot, cleaning, oil levels - all except filling with petrol.

He cooks Saturday night decent meal for the 2 of us from start (planning & shopping) to finish (clearing up & making coffee ) and family Sunday lunch.

Mowing the lawn. Some days I find myself staring at a meadow but I have to resist doing it or he'll never bother again.

He is pretty good about doing bits & bobs but it feel good to have a few things that simply don't require my thought or input whatsoever.

Well, having previously worked with large teams of men let me tell you that this just doesn't just happen at home!

I like organising so it doesn't bother me too much but I don't bother to buy cards and presents for DH's family, do his ironing or sort his car. Have worked full time, part time and not at all and the level of frustration varies with the number of hours I do at work. Not working much at the moment so I am pretty chilled.

I hope you are all teaching yours sons not to be a burden to the next generation of women?

Reading the above I feel i've been unfair about DH actually

Since having DD4 (his first DC) he does (without any input from me) the bill paying and any changing of suppliers. He deals with his family and all their cards, presents etc. He deals with everything car related. Including a bit of car repair and body work. He cleans the windows of the house. Does bins and recycling. Sometimes does the litter tray

I get this too. In my case I work FT, I earn more than DH, and I have the more stressful job. I still end up doing the lions share bacause he commutes much further than me (his choice - he used to have the same 20 min commute I have).

The thing I hate most is the assumption that I can be endlessly flexible to deal with after-school activities, and his assumption that he doesn't need to worry about childcare - if I can't do the pick up I have to find an alternative. He honestly sees childcare as something that enables me to work.

I'm feeling particularly stabby this morning as he decided to go out with work colleagues last night, so I couldn't got swimming (well not unless I took the DC and can't swim lengths and supervise them). Plus we're supposed to be going on holiday in 4 weeks time. I've left it up to him to organise (I've done it singlehandedly for the past 8 years), and he still hasn't booked anything (despite telling the kids where they are 'going').

I think it's that he see things as option and I have to do things. He can choose to get up with DS but I have to since no one else will. He just tells me at the drop of a hat that he has plans (we're working on this) but if I want to go out I have to plan it in advance and around his schedule.

I don't think this is about a share of housework as such. It is about a share of the mental worry and consideration.

For example, DH used to eat food in the fridge I'd left for the DCs, including their packed lunch. He just wouldn't think beyond "I'm hungry". He didnt remember to give medicine, he doesn't remember to keep on top of chores not thinking that it exacerbates dd's cough if the place is dusty.

To me it comes across that he doesn't give a shit and can only think of himself.

However I know that he does care but because I do the thinking he doesn't have to.

I'm starting to worry about when DC starts school in September because there will be more stuff to remember and keep on top off. DH just shrugs his shoulders - why - because he won't be doing any thinking about it. I will!

I blame his parents - his mum was a SAHM and did everything including ironing his pants

I've got to the point where I'm seriously contemplating ending my marriage over this (except in our case we both work FT and my DH doesn't take on even half the chores).

My love for him has almost entirely been replaced with resentment.

I'm planning one more big talk with him when we get back from holiday (the last of several). If he doesn't shape up then it's counselling with a view to ending the marriage.

Its the 1001 things constantly vying for attention jangling about in my head waiting to be scheduled in to the day/week/month etc that is so exhausting. I never feel truly peaceful.

When Dh or anyone here 'helps' because I have asked exploded they might do that one thing but seem blissfully unaware of the bigger picture.

Only I seem to be aware of it and I am envious and astounded by their ability to be blissfully unaware.

Occasionally things pierce their bubble of consciousness but not often. And if someone does finally say 'ooh what about x, y or z?' it'll be something Ive factored in way before it's even hoved into view for them.

In my head my life is like a constant relentless game of Tetris marching endlessly on with stuff of all shapes and sizes looming in to view requiring some sort of attention. I write lists and my Organised Mum calendar groans under the weight. There again it's funny isn't it...Organised Mum. Why is it our job to be the organisers all the blimmin time??

I told DH the other day that I really couldn't be bothered to make dinner. His version of taking care of it was to order pizza. Fine, but expensive and unhealthy and such less effort than doing the meal that had already been planned.

He then complains about his weight, so apparently I'm responsible for that too.

I totally agree with those who say that you need to divide up jobs so that each if you have areas that you are entirely responsible for. You just can't really have two people thinking about the overall planning meals, or laundry, or kids activities, or Christmas shopping, it would be totally inefficient and chaotic. You have to have one person in charge and the other person possibly doing bits or having an input if asked.

I can honestly say we have never really had this problem at all because we've easily fallen into a fairly even division of responsibility with very few grey areas. I look after all food shopping and cooking. DH will cook a meal if I'm not there but it will be very simple and usually based on my instructions. If I go away I'll make sure he's left with appropriate food. I would never expect him to suddenly start planning a meal - how would that help??? On the other hand, he is entirely responsible for all laundry. Including changing beds, towels, making up guest beds etc. He even buys laundry. I buy children's clothes, but he'll tell me if they are running out of socks! If he goes away he tries to get ahead with laundry before he goes and catches up when he gets back. I barely ever think about it.

Our other divisions are along fairly traditional gender lines I'm afraid, but it works. He does outdoors, car, big house jobs, finance, utilities, technology, bins. I do indoors (though we have a cleaner, I do the extra cleaning and organising), children's activities, clothes, childcare, school stuff, socialising, going out, holidays, presents.

The only thing that sometimes annoys me a bit is that I'd like him to more often say "Let's go on holiday to X, or do Y, or see Z". But really he does a lot.

I don't think you can expect him to suddenly start becoming aware and getting involved in things you are automatically doing. You need to explicitly divide things up.

And regularly go through your calendars together well ahead so that you both work around each other, rather than it all being one way.

And the other rule is if one person is in charge you DON'T criticise.

ledka - ''I wonder if we cause this ourselves. I'm a bit reluctant to leave him to do stuff without instruction (largely as he cocks up)''

Well, there's your answer. If I tried my best and was told I'd cocked up, I probably wouldn't try anymore. You could show him what he's doing wrong, if it's a genuine mistake.

And no, it's not a feminist issue. My DP does a lot more housework than me (but I do other things like take us for food shopping, errands, picking him up when I can, etc. since I drive, he doesn't). He usually ends up doing more cleaning than me because I sometimes tend to miss bits. [shame] It's a case of one person not doing their share, not their gender.

DP's commute is also 4 times as long as mine, and he does the cooking (since mine is abysmal and doesn't extend past pasta, toast, or things out of a can), so I don't think it's men in general. Should add that I'll help with serving up, doing the dishes, washing, and other things to balance it out!

Can you just hand over one or two items that need dealing with? Say something like the dog walker - it's his job to sort that at all times, and maybe something else as well. Divide the chores a bit so that he doesn't assume it will be you that does it all the time.

I think if my DP left me "instructions" I'd be tempted to do the opposite.

DH also seems to think that it all happens by magic. It's very frustrating.

Like last weekend. We were going out for the day to an event that DH wanted to go to. DH had said that night before about how he wanted us to get an early start.

So, when we all got up on the day of the event, while I sat down to breastfeed DS2, DH..... turned on the computer to check his e-mail and look at eBay. FFS. Like that couldn't have waited until the evening. Lots of things that needed doing, like DH having a shower, trying to get DS1 to eat something, dressing DS1, checking changing bag fully loaded, putting pushchair in car, putting pack lunch in cool bag, checking directions loaded into sat-nav - didn't even seem to cross his mind. When I remarked on him being on the computer, he said that he was waiting for me And then had the cheek to whine about the slow start to the day