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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see SIL ever again!!!

260 replies

han3459 · 17/07/2014 13:43

My SIL and I have always differed completely on how we raise our DDs. Both of our eldest girls are 12 and it's become a constant issue between us.

Whilst SIL is a controlling psycho stricter parent (in my opinion), I am much more relaxed with my DD. For example, I let my DD wear some make up, paint her nails, has two ear piercings and occasionally will go on trips to town with her friends. I try to let my DD have some independence by letting her make decisions such as what to wear (within reason), choosing the activities she wants to participate in, and how to spend her pocket money.

SIL totally disagrees with most of these and has made this known on many occasions. She refuses to let DD go anywhere without adult supervision, won't let her wear anything she doesn't like and is totally anti any kind of make up/hair straightening etc. I do feel sorry for my DN as she is constantly not allowed to do things my DD can do, which must be hard for her.

I totally understand people have different ways of raising their children and DD is respectful of different rules in other people's houses. However, my SIL is constantly criticizing me and my DD in front of us about parenting which drives me insane.

Lately things have got much worse. A few weeks ago, SIL and BIL took DN and DD out for the day. When they stopped at a restaurant, SIL repeatedly told off DD for eating with her cutlery the wrong way round and forced her to use them the other way. I could not care less which way she uses them as long as she doesn't use her fingers and was furious as DD said she struggled to eat her meal. When I rang SIL about this, she said it was my fault for not teaching her proper social etiquette.

The last straw was a few days ago. SIL and DN came over as we were planning a family trip out. My DD was wearing a knee length dress with some mid calf length boots. It was a very cute little outfit in my opinion. However, SIL instantly made her opinion that it was inappropriate and asked my DD to change because she didn't want her daughter to thing it was an acceptable way to dress.

This led to an absolutely huge row, with SIL storming out after I refused to tell DD to change. I am so sick of having to put up with the constant judgement from her and don't think it's fair on my DD to be criticized all the time. I do feel for my DN but AIBU to stop seeing SIL so often??? All it causes is stress

OP posts:
Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 13:46

To be honest, this is one of those threads where I wold really like to hear the other side of the story as well.

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/07/2014 13:46

Yanbu.

My sister and I both have 5 year old dd, we do things diffrent but we respect each other parenting choices.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 13:50

I wish everyone could just leave everyone else alone? Where has tolerance gone? Or is that only saved for cultural differences?

Seriously, your SIL needs to wind her neck in. You sound pretty reasonable in how you treat your DD.

Well done for standing up for yourself. This is also teaching your DD that people can have different opinions and shouldn't be bullied for it.

Ragglefrock · 17/07/2014 13:51

I agree with VintageJazz.

MimiSunshine · 17/07/2014 13:53

To be honest I would keep out the differing parental approaches and go with:
AIBU to want to see my SIL again as she constantly criticises my parenting and berates me and my DD.

So if you don't want to see her again , don't, and say the reason is the above. What you allow and what she doesn't, shouldn't come into until she tries to impose her will on you and your DD and for that YANBU.

farewellfigure · 17/07/2014 13:54

I think you're going to have to agree that if you spend any time together in future, she has to totally butt out from criticising your parenting and your dd. You could agree that your parenting styles are totally different, but that you won't try and change hers if she doesn't try and change yours. I think a face to face discussion is needed (without the dds there) so you can agree to disagree, and move on. Maybe you could say that if she mentions anything about how your dd is dressed, nail polish, whatever, the day out, meal etc will be cancelled.

I can't see anything wrong with the outfit btw but would probably respect your sil's choices just as much. Neither is wrong or right, just different. It's a shame she can't understand that.

Toottootoffwego · 17/07/2014 13:57

Is this a Reverse AIBU?

I think piercings, using the wrong cutlery, and unsupervised trips to town are out of line for a child of 12.

Bambamb · 17/07/2014 13:57

It's not up to your SIL to decide what the best way to raise your daughter is, there is more than one 'right' way to raise a child. This would annoy me too.
Just on a personal level though, I do think it's odd that you've not taught your daughter the right way to have her cutlery! When she's an adult she may attend formal dinners with work/weddings etc.....I would think it's something she should learn personally.

rose202 · 17/07/2014 13:58

I do feel sorry for my DN as she is constantly not allowed to do things my DD can do, which must be hard for her.

Why is your way the better way? I know a few 12 year olds that are not allowed to wear make up or paint their nails, how patronizing of you to assume she is worse off as she doesn't have a face full of slap!

However I agree that your DD can dress how she likes & your parenting must not be criticized in front of her. Just out of interest was the wanting her to change her outfit due to the activities they were doing that day & a dress just wasn't appropriate? Or was it more a case of your SIL being embarrassed by your DD?

Bambamb · 17/07/2014 13:59

unsupervised trips to town are out of line for a child of 12.

I don't see how you can judge that when you don't know which town this is. I did this as a 12year old (11 years infact) but it was like a 10 minute walk into a town with about 5 shops....

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 14:01

to be honest I think one of the best things we can do for our children is instil good table manners but there you go. What about dinner dates or company do's? and they won't even know how to hold their cutlery? or will they be showing other people the contents of their mouths?

SIL does sound a bit OTT.

LongTimeLurking · 17/07/2014 14:01

YANBU, what kind of person has a go at a child about using their knife and fork 'the wrong way around'.

This woman sounds like a hyacinth bucket style control freak.

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 14:01

OP do you ever implicitly criticise your SIL's method of rearing her daughter eg "Oh go on she's twelve for God's sake. What's wrong with her wearing a bit of make up/going to the pictures with her friends"?

Bowlersarm · 17/07/2014 14:02

I agree with Vintagejazz as well.

On your OP alone it sounds as though YANBU.

I would dearly love to hear your sils point of view though.

Toottootoffwego · 17/07/2014 14:02

Fair enough re town. I still stand on the piercings and especially the cutlery. You're doing your daughter a disservice by not correcting that, OP.

LongTimeLurking · 17/07/2014 14:05

Sorry am I misreading the cutlery thing - by 'wrong way around' I was assuming using fork in the right hand.... or left handed so to speak.

Toottootoffwego · 17/07/2014 14:07

Left handed people use cutlery in the same hands as right handed people.

littlemslazybones · 17/07/2014 14:07

Maybe she was holding the fighting end and prodding the food with the handle? Grin

LongTimeLurking · 17/07/2014 14:08

I've always used the fork in my right hand which seems the opposite to what most people do..... does that make me some kind of slob?

I don't understand the issue here... Confused

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 14:09

ooh maybe she was (whispers) holding them like pens

Calloh · 17/07/2014 14:10

Nobody should criticise someone else's way of parenting - so long as it's not quite clearly dangerous etc.

Your SIL is being unreasonable to criticise your way and really out of line to criticise your DD's table manners but you quite clearly think her way is mad and I wonder if you have told her she has picked up on that and is defensive.

Personally I wouldn't want my 12 year old to wear make-up, straighten her hair or have piercings and u would want them to have good table manners (God only knows how that will end up happening) but I accept that others would feel differently.

The acceptance should go both ways.

Calloh · 17/07/2014 14:10

Sorry, I not u

Bowlersarm · 17/07/2014 14:10

Maybe she was using a spoon to pick up peas or something like that.

PiperRose · 17/07/2014 14:11

I completely agree with Nigellas. Yes SIL does sound a bit aver the top but you are being unreasonable by not teaching her appropriate table manners and if you don't care about such things you are being unreasonable by putting her in situations where this may be a problem.

RoaringTiger · 17/07/2014 14:11

My dd uses her fork in the right hand, knife in the left...I'd go mad if anyone tried to 'correct' her, she uses both left and right hand to write but cannot hold her cutlery in the 'sociable correct ' way, why should she be penalised for that?