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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see SIL ever again!!!

260 replies

han3459 · 17/07/2014 13:43

My SIL and I have always differed completely on how we raise our DDs. Both of our eldest girls are 12 and it's become a constant issue between us.

Whilst SIL is a controlling psycho stricter parent (in my opinion), I am much more relaxed with my DD. For example, I let my DD wear some make up, paint her nails, has two ear piercings and occasionally will go on trips to town with her friends. I try to let my DD have some independence by letting her make decisions such as what to wear (within reason), choosing the activities she wants to participate in, and how to spend her pocket money.

SIL totally disagrees with most of these and has made this known on many occasions. She refuses to let DD go anywhere without adult supervision, won't let her wear anything she doesn't like and is totally anti any kind of make up/hair straightening etc. I do feel sorry for my DN as she is constantly not allowed to do things my DD can do, which must be hard for her.

I totally understand people have different ways of raising their children and DD is respectful of different rules in other people's houses. However, my SIL is constantly criticizing me and my DD in front of us about parenting which drives me insane.

Lately things have got much worse. A few weeks ago, SIL and BIL took DN and DD out for the day. When they stopped at a restaurant, SIL repeatedly told off DD for eating with her cutlery the wrong way round and forced her to use them the other way. I could not care less which way she uses them as long as she doesn't use her fingers and was furious as DD said she struggled to eat her meal. When I rang SIL about this, she said it was my fault for not teaching her proper social etiquette.

The last straw was a few days ago. SIL and DN came over as we were planning a family trip out. My DD was wearing a knee length dress with some mid calf length boots. It was a very cute little outfit in my opinion. However, SIL instantly made her opinion that it was inappropriate and asked my DD to change because she didn't want her daughter to thing it was an acceptable way to dress.

This led to an absolutely huge row, with SIL storming out after I refused to tell DD to change. I am so sick of having to put up with the constant judgement from her and don't think it's fair on my DD to be criticized all the time. I do feel for my DN but AIBU to stop seeing SIL so often??? All it causes is stress

OP posts:
AggressiveBunting · 17/07/2014 14:12

My sister is LH and puts her knife in her left hand and fork in her right. Who would notice? She just discreetly swaps them over when she picks them up. I don't see it as a table manners issue.

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 14:13

Seriously, your daughter comes home after being taken out for a meal by your SIL and BIL and says that SIL told her off for not using her knife and fork properly and you rang your SIL and had a go at her?

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 14:13

oh yes my dd is also left handed and also does that

NickiFury · 17/07/2014 14:13

She can have a cutlery in whatever hands she likes! Gone of the days of labelling a person who holds their knife in the "wrong" hand as "cack handed". As long as her table manners are good then that does not matter. It is absolutely no one else's business.

growl3th · 17/07/2014 14:13

The cutlery thing is a nonsense. I'm almost 51 and hold my cutlery in the "wrong" hands despite all four of my brothers and my sister (one of whom is left handed) using the "correct" hands. Has never held me back.

LongTimeLurking · 17/07/2014 14:13

Bowlersarm
I somtimes use a spoon for eating rice, pasta,sweetcorn, peas, etc. Yes, even in a restaurant Blush

I don't understand why others would care if someone uses the cutlery 'incorrectly'.

Boomeranggirl · 17/07/2014 14:14

Maybe your SIL wants to let her DD be a child for as long as possible and not try to encourage her to grow up quicker than she should. Make up and hair straightening are a bit OTT for a twelve year old IMHO. I would also not let her go to town on her own at that age.

I think you say you respect your SILs parenting choices but do you really? Sounds like you are being as equally critical of her as you say she is of you. I agree with vintage jazz as well. I think you maybe are letting your own disapproval of her choices show through as well and maybe you are winding each other up. Perhaps you two need to sit down over a cupola and talk it out?

I think YABU.

BellaVita · 17/07/2014 14:14

I don't understand the issue on going into town, having ears pierced twice or using a knife and fork in different hands.

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 14:14

*I've always used the fork in my right hand which seems the opposite to what most people do..... does that make me some kind of slob?

I don't understand the issue here... *

My DH does this. Sometimes people comment. I actually think that good manners entail making sure that you're not making people feel bad/ awkward/ uncomfortable by, for example, seeing fit to comment on how they hold their cutlery. It's bad manners to comment about other people in my view.
If, on the other hand, someone is making you retch by eating with their mouth open, or is liable to cause bodily injury by the way in which they hold their fork, that is another matter entirely.

sebsmummy1 · 17/07/2014 14:15

Pmsl re. the cutlery comments, I am chortling Grin

My OH has a good job, is private school educated and holds his cutlery back to front. I have no idea why, can't be bothered to try and understand. I don't put my index finger in the top, I grasp my knife and fork like a heathen, d

BellaVita · 17/07/2014 14:15

Those that won't let dc's oh into town at 12 - do you have younger children ?

sebsmummy1 · 17/07/2014 14:16

*don't think I've ever been criticised for it.

Boomeranggirl · 17/07/2014 14:16

Cup not cupola!

EveDallasRetd · 17/07/2014 14:18

Left handed people use cutlery in the same hands as right handed people

My left hand DH and my left handed DD both have their knife in their left and fork in their right. At home they even have their own left handed cutlery and mugs. Why should left handers be forced to do things the right handers way?

I was 10 the first time I went into town with my mates, 4 miles on the bus into a city centre. At 11 my DD will be having to get a bus from home to town to go to school, so I don't see the problem. DD is also (yet again) the only girl in her class (yr 4) who doesn't have her ears pierced. She'll get them done on the transition between primary and secondary (unless I cave in earlier), so before the age of 12. One of DDs new friends has the top of each ear done too, which I think is too much, but each to their own.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 14:19

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe that out of your whole post, people are harping on about table manners?!

Table manners are so much more than holding your knife and fork in the wrong hand? I know lots of left handed people that hold them 'the wrong way'. As long as they chew with their mouths closed and observe more important table manners, then it really makes no difference.

And where did the Op say that her way was better than her SIL? She clearly stated that she respects other parenting styles and would appreciate the same in return?

Op, YANBU.

BabyMarmoset · 17/07/2014 14:19

Was completely with you OP until you said DD was using the cutlery the wrong way around.

YABU for not teaching basic skills... soz but I really hate bad eating habits.

Toottootoffwego · 17/07/2014 14:19

"Add message | Report | Message poster LongTimeLurking Thu 17-Jul-14 14:08:33
I've always used the fork in my right hand which seems the opposite to what most people do..... does that make me some kind of slob?

I don't understand the issue here... "

TBH I'll bet you've been silently judged a LOT about this.

littlemslazybones · 17/07/2014 14:20

That might be the controlling psycho bit.

Tinatheballerina · 17/07/2014 14:20

Wow - your child is 12 and can't use cutlery properly?

It is a basic social skill.

I think your SIL has a point. YABU.

Bowlersarm · 17/07/2014 14:20

Long, I'm not sure I have seen anyone doing that. Next time I'm in a restaurant I'll have a sneaky discreet look around and check it out. Maybe loads of people do it and I've never noticed.

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 14:21

WobblyHalo

She described her SIL as a controlling psycho and said she feels sorry for her DN.

So no, absolutely not criticising her SIL's parenting at all Hmm

MysweetAudrina · 17/07/2014 14:22

Who actually cares what hand someone holds their fork in? I am left handed but use my left hand but would never notice if someone was holding their fork in their right hand. There is nothing wrong with having her ears pierced either or with going into town. There is something wrong with undermining someones parenting choices and it sounds like the only way she can enforce her own choices is to knock yours which is not healthy and will probably end up with her child rebelling and getting her nipple pierced.

EveDallasRetd · 17/07/2014 14:23

SIL sounds batshit to me. Storming out because a child wouldn't change her outfit to suit her? I mean, come on. Who in their right mind...

MaidOfStars · 17/07/2014 14:23

The cutlery issue is crazy, both from your SIL and some posters here. I happen to eat with my cutlery the "right way round" but know plenty of people, including my husband, who don't. And at formal dinners, it's perfectly possible for my husband to pick his knife and fork up from the "correct" side and swap them in his hands.

I mean seriously, step back and think about it. You would look at someone you are eating with, notice the swapped knife and fork and think "What terrible table manners, what a slob"???? Because they aren't following a rule that appears to be entirely arbitrary in the first place.

OP, you sound judgey of your SIL. It is therefore possible that this judgment is apparent to her, even if it's not vocalised. I agree with a PP who suggested and open conversation to both clear the air and to make a pact to refrain from commenting/radiating disapproval/whatever.

FWIW, hair straightening, multiple ear piercings, going to town and knee length dresses with boots don't bother me.

BellaVita · 17/07/2014 14:23

So she uses the knife and fork in different hands... She isn't bloody well picking the food off of the plate with her fingers! God all you pearl clutchers!